Studying Hunger Journals, page 7
It’s over and in this recounting I want to be clear, clear about its purpose, about the reason for the existence of this peculiar performance in space, and that reason is this simple statement: I had to do it so that I would never have to do it again. And to those who accept a rose from me, I add this: I am sorry to cover my feelings with images out of fear, but please believe me there are things you cannot write. I had to sop. I had to stop and begin again slowly.
On the moon. Muddy water, and we find an old shoe to eat. I went to all the different police stations looking for you, hitching rides in the backs of trucks, risking my life. At David’s house, his wife and kids are black and invisible. David is there somewhere with one of his sons who is no longer black. I begin to play this game: alternately, we draw lines with a thick felt marker, the texture of the line and its style indicate our desire for “a certain person.” David goes down in a glass elevator like a shower with a bunch of flowers, I’m jealous. Then a voice says, “You must begin to pay for your own food.” I look in the mirror at all the colors of my skin in two different lights. Different spatial relations…Paterson. I swallow something whole.
One two three four the door slams from the wind, there aren’t enough colors to put it off anymore, the light’s on me, I’m so tired, the wind blew my breath right flat, I’m breathing, you’ll live so much longer right now, you are mountainous, your breath is cool, you are the source of my saying you know everything, you are sweating you are eating, the light set on me, you set the sun, the strongest wind every driven bends a call to that plant’s branches, the one that’s right there, that one, it drinks all the water you give it but can’t say anything, clouds were pink, now an only-in-sky color like you require more description than I can drink but I can’t say anything, you read me a color you read me an only-in-sky color, what a dreamed-of dance where the monster you spoke of, the one that you wanted, the monster you talked to for hundreds of years, giant love monster, he befriends the earth and how can I tell you what he knows, he has secret powers, he mixes things up like my name where no syllable has an accent, he makes old things cool and boil like the elixir you stand in the light of the moon till its coolness is natural or innate, opaque, it becomes something else, say it, say my name, become more than a mixture, the elements, correct, I’ve forgotten them in gathering you, you are all over all of the spaces and times, give me things, things that I can design space with and place only in the sky, that kind of motion, I am cloudy I am moving, I am colors that can’t be described without too many words, beams you can stand on and rain that high up it beats on us, it misses us, we look through, we look at distance, you say in words my words are muscles, then what’s the silence you put me through today, silence where I talked all messages sent, so much mischief in the reception, I never think about bad things do you? You are enormous you have many parts, you are not a warning, two hours go by. Circle lapse and tender buttons yells immerse yourself in milk, I do, he’s on his way here, some yells, a switch a curse a house and a secretary I envy you and your housekeepers and all your lovers, I mix mine with yours, secret separate entity, entice design midnight midnight with you monster and maker and play knows how to play, play everything, know how much I didn’t know how much I’d be afraid to write down, the background of my finding out how could I know how much I was beginning to be afraid to write down what you know, or do you, I know you know, it’s so simple, you are a genius, but that’s not it. Factory works and no one’s startled but my edge on the sky that’s never ending edge on the sky. Please beat me up. That’s a false request, this is your final chance to send me back home where I came from. Now you belong to me in many colors, brown and silver, gray and yellow, blue and orange, silver and gray, yellow and it’s not monstrous, you’ve seen my feet. It’s nine o’clock, I’ve singled to first you’re the only one on. It’s a problem. I can’t read the weather for all this desire to storm the doors. I’ll never sleep again. I saw a cat who simply died, what can’t I influence, the own body is as mix with you. Are you waiting, is it time, I open my mouth, soon I’m starving, I love grapefruit and cheese, fish, strawberries, asparagus and cream, nuts, snowpeas, potatoes and cream, leaves, corn, squash, mushrooms, scallops, onions, coffee and tea I’ve eaten enormously brandy and bed, I love fall, who else eats this much, who else is served such sauces separately. Every night I make my head spin, that’s after I swim with the monster we met in the field, they only spoke to me cause you were there, spin after I work out with them, try to con them with a fast pitch and see what happens. Thank you for your influence with these men and women. But, you, listen to this: every night at the edge of the spin, there’s no describing it, there you are, or is it me, I shouldn’t leave myself out to get away with a simple spin.
Dream: Punch—jail—jump out the window—rescue—sick. Julia Child and Alice Toklas come. They were always too busy to come before. What is he doing here, why is he interested in staying, he has so much serious work to do. He just felt like staying this time, because of me. He points out that she spends so much serious energy at it. Yes but she’s not doing anything, her work is silly, it doesn’t lead anywhere, but she does it. Now he’s butting in trying to listen to our private talk, we’re lying face to face. Who is he, I can’t figure it out. Climbing up a stairs in a store, structuralist levels, a center stairs, a stairs with nothing on either side of it.
My legs are bare the covers fall off them
I must come just thinking about it extending
If I can come just thinking about it
It’s the trick of having a cock
It’s coming on ten per cent
The chance of rain on Monday
He turns over
His dream-masked man says to me
I’m not interested in your coming on ten per cent
If you’re interested I’m not interested in your proving…
He leaves off
That was what I wanted to do and I did it
In the green woods she is compliant
The light’s on in the factory
The covers fall off my legs
His arm is around my waist
But he can’t hold me from carrying out this experiment
Test coming from beforehand
Before I went to sleep I was high
I was aching to do this
The Olympic dream team: one living as two. Study the adjournment position, the avoidance position. My father calls, he says to me, “Where’ve you been?”
What am I learning baby I am learning you. The plant stands up I’m scared to stop, I might choke on my food I can’t find the paints. I’m eating my food like a baby, how do they survive it? Not talking I mean. I’ve earned a place on your floor. I am painting a mural of my satisfaction from left to right I am going to go swimming in it, words may be cut short or extended, words may grow differently, inside something, inside it. One lives as two one lives as two one is two one is opening one is loose, closed, now two now two can close, I don’t have the right pens, I don’t have any materials, the bums play ball, watch the ball, I conduct a review, I explain the paint, I say to the paint secret rituals weird rites certain burials of dead bodies which are under the ground, someone is curious about incest, I am no longer sick with the flu, I ain’t got the flu, it’s psycholinguistics, deeper structures than you find in the alligator mouths below Canal Street, they’re eating their dinner, you press too hard on the pencil, you flirt with production, you flirt with death too, I didn’t know you were already drinking brandy, invite me to join you, invite me to speak the smallest words in the room that’s all, give him some head and become senseless, I play with the permanent ending of all life, I got to the permanent ending of the novel I was reading and sneaked a look at the beginning, a plant dies, a red-topped plant loses its color, becomes a skeleton in a black robe holding a scythe in a state of murder and bloodshed pestilence, a plant can’t sustain it, sustain the upright condition of being without water, too much water. There gonna be water there. I leave that out. Mothers and fathers come to the hurricane, indoors hurricane wept in waters, the plants murder the aunts and uncles especially of women, like the Black Muslims, dirty or clean. The food is all over the place. You don’t talk like you should. What’s the visual you’re on, you got on, are you on one. Strike zone’s an empty visual for language, no good, I’m out in the country, images don’t collide. I’m back here old and new, what’s the story, I’ll inch toward it, I’ll come to it through mud. I want you to think I’m suffering more so I won’t get cold or old, to keep you keep, pen always writes without me, dress always falls again like a glance to the floor. Games over in here. What a collision and thank you very much. I am not violating in system any of the rules of coordinates. I’m out to systematically violate the rules in succession one after one and add a extra any. Swallow now. This is compelling. Neat flow. She sure was kind. She sure was well taken of. She sure worked her fucking arm off. He sure fucking well didn’t give a shit. Create something endless in little designs like a million babies, fat babies. What do you need? What’s the right lingo for a successful succession secession from the seat of power and righteousness down on the floor with everyone and birds crows fantasies beginnings of words small syllables giant letters image continuous green and black leaves. All leaves are successive and boring. I refuse to make the connection, no image supply room, concentration ideal. Defend the states of consciousness, run for your life. You eat too much you drive too fast, it was time not distance that amazed him and so he bought a watch. Thirteen watches at the store and devoted self to avoiding empty messages, the clocks the fine Swiss tower is as sandwich earls and manors, deer shot in Bavaria then the sinking ship. I’ve fooled you. No focus is as fool as focus is. It’s a rip-off, they trade bits of brand new checks no cash. A song. A miracle, cynical imbecile miracle. Largesse veteran’s beverage. Big sign. No sky. Empty mirrors make. Her mix is to imitate and mind she’s confused tonight. Refuse garbage. A signed matador. A metal detector and fire prevention for exit’s escape, you clear the door, the door’s too tall, it sounds letters specious sounds, the softball team in their yellows, bear up on legs, all fours, perching mischief on a beam of language light. You let yourself get away with it.
If you need a piece of cloth and you’re still holding it wrong and you want to go faster and faster and if you need a piece of cloth for some design you go get it, it’s as simple as that. First try dry run, you run for your life shake down the street, get money have money, pimp it, test out your friends, more information, friends end, did you kill em? He bounces the ball he is all thought and loving gentle fucking asshole, he is near perfect he is swelling he is near purple, he is yelling fucking keep it to yourself. You got the worst fucking something, I got the piece of cloth, the newspaper rides around the floor, hovers and covers the ground, how do you move that’s you, you, in a schedule in a regular routine, there’s no past here, it’s all past, I’m so pissed off I’m spitting the endlessly permanent blood on the pavement that fell from the war where they stimulate the guts of your stomach, men only, for pay. They pay me not to. Give me all your money. How sweet can you be? In pennies. That’s a three-bills deal, it aches, I give up. Thank you Catholic churches very much, you were right, I love ironing and changing into clean white clothes. Why can’t I say what you mean, you and I and a couple other yous and seven graven images taken stoned in a tableau with their names in aces in the yard. Centuries ago when the moon something and militant staid armies selected you I ate the poisonous berries, same yard, drew the wrong card, pirate ships and all all this time staying on as a woman in the fine big household the earth supplies. What a region of terror, that space by the fire, like dogs home exhausted from their work in the circus, following masters, sleep, fall down, piss and eat. I used to hate stone. I ate stone. It’s far from direct. It’s crooked and senseless and just goes on. I’m putting you on. Of course you enjoy it. Nature puddles, western saddles, hurricane derision, final entrance, mixing armor, cell and block, wall of China, message sumptuous message old, no sound wizened sound, poets of China arts, pimps at the wall, black and bitten, shaking the pumpkin, an actual an actual the feat of becoming one across the states across divisions american national american puddles american fucking american fingers american blanks american monsters Emily Dickinson cock crows murders hangings to gospel music. God can’t spell, you seem to always be well dear, god is not too natural and all of my fathers fucked jesus at the altar of my friend inspirational Patti. God stipulates that he is constrained, he is stained, well old grandfathers don’t do too good, just sit around and peer at the mean motherfucking round the sweet bonfire of the shit white culture where we each came from and we hope to emerge re-merge without Vikings and Washingtons and columbines can climb the trees and colors rearranged and many men sink ships anyway, we don’t need ships please, eat this much of me and you will see I would like to draw you without any background. Ships from Europe were full of people. The ocean is full of food. People have a wide range of emotions. In writing, it is interesting to work in a kind of continuous present. I am sitting on you. You are each of you a pear. A human steel. In x is inherent y. Make me feel good. Philosophical flying. American amperes west. See me?
Section two. The meld. I am a space I am keeping pace with you, exciting. Unending beginning the permanent showing of all life in humans and plants, in plants animals in animals humans in humans animals in plants humans in animals plants, every eye. Eye pushed out a current of air with its breathing in of vision. Concentric ranges tending in, extending in. Circle encloses itself, whirls in vortex, down and re-compels gravity to notice a fault in the ocean’s mountain range. De fault in de ocean its mountainous range I’m sweatin bout it tis due to de heavy man’s striations made in de excellent ground dat wuz laid there one day in May. Say hey how you doin my baby you sweet and you lovin I love it to make it with you anytime, human beans they borrow matches but with you nodding next to me nobody don’t have to learn to make love like as we do like as we don’t sure as shit I have to say. I make my play. You give an inch, you inchin towards me what a baby say and it’s more than I can take or stand, men and women all inchin round. Mud and money and a sexual existence makes you feel richer, I feel richer when I’m a switcher. But back to that picture, it’s then I feel more mix with you and all the own bodies, just a minute of the poor black whites assembling for the own meaning, meant an act of meat and potatoes means whole trees in motion after storms are mourning cause somebody dies. I feel the wind on the face of the leaves. I can’t walk, I’m sick enough to flirt with the wind that stops my progress, lost the vision, I paint a new structural wind that is bound to the tree, cannot move. My motion as wind is resembling me, it resembles me more. I can do anything, I can do nothing, come from nowhere, I am damaging, I am slight, sick, white, uprooted, clear and divine, divine by vision lost, divine by total false and magic, divine by instinct for death, damage of death is slight, instinctual, evanescent, clear, clear and fading, an immigration, new uprooted, no progress is my progression as if I were sleeping in a work fit, a fit of work for one single special levitation one mystical throwback, like football players, stupid and thoughtless and at best speechless. I wish I were. I try to throw, no catch, no moment, only the damage without clarity, emergency reroots me, I resist, they clear the rubble, it’s down, I’m fainting with the desire to destroy more, as far inland, I will go as far inland as I can to damage everything, there’s no more sex, there’s nothing alluring, no connections between things and nothing mapped, your experience of me is rare, it’s no coincidence it isn’t planned, it isn’t anger and no joy, you do not experience this, you do, I fuck you up, I turn you around, everything’s in reverse and resembles me and if I have a motive or energy that’s it, the damage is awful, spread wide. Accept the chaos if it’s a trick, receive it, I’ve done it, you must, you must not, please notice this fine chaos, men and women, what can you make of it, women and men, with nothing open. Laughing at you, you taste of me, hate your selves, destroy all life I mix with you, you are only seven years old. A space where motion grows and something changes. Still, you can’t identify me and you are too extremely simple, everything, your eyes. I greet you.
Strawberry Tree
Come over here
A fake sends lie a new book
Bake it with currents
Bands play around your head
I ache hate for you I message you
You enter and are caught message ends
You think back you cannot
Hate poems relentlessness
The pestering sisters made you at once
I arranged it a match made of evils
And significant designs you fool
Of genius and even habits and sense to fool
I dish you out a disaster a lobster
Full red and green living death of lobster
An anchor for your sails you’ll wind up floundering
