Studying Hunger Journals, page 31
A false, a flash by car on her face by the star in color who cares, she’s dead as a comet is underground and I write a review that just goes on forever for appreciation for design and for risk of losing the covers that normally come over you at night in bed with someone else and we all, ingrained, have everything to lose except me, I’m guaranteed by no life insurance to visit the dead with no life left, so, give it to them, answer the mail, I’m overloaded, it’s all mine, take it, all right, slow down, family, this is direct address, I can’t do anything else, human use—forget it, I’m as venal as—forget it, it’s the wrong suck word, proper names don’t mean nothing when the proper name dies, the names are on the pictures of the sly tomb stone. It’s a voice. You hear. And it’s signed, Merry Christmas your mother who fucked you up is dead and Merry Christmas, go to the convent so that your father who fucked you up is dead and for the Holy Ghost, Fuck Jesus all you can, and as for the Holy Ghost invading you with conception, I say who’s ever seen em, Fuck Jesus all you can.
Writings for Unnatural Acts pictures: There were no internal instructions (Indian), there were no specific instructions, the beadwork is cut up in jags and predicts instructions, the gentle information comes as a prescription, her muscles are exposed as a series of conversations that a woman was having, she is that is she was conceiving of, I could pin that down for you, working beads, David is the name of the man who for the present was the devil, so. What was fired in that kiln she might’ve worked in transpired at that meeting was one two shot one two or some totally unrelated “activity” like poetry, smoke we smoked, that is a question honey, you used outdoors for indoors, so, sources of information go on to say for two full minutes, from memory, the woman is working, she works.
Pandas have been apprehended right away or as they say in the first instance, lie close and nestle, snuggle, I saw the panda nuzzling me (cf. skunks in a dream), I saw the double-separate order forms for his drink and his drink, that is, mothers and babies, no, men and women, we argued about that, we smoked, we argued about that, it’s easy to see what is double-separate and what is not. Did you ask Gray who’d be in attendance at this meeting, well I dont know as I askt him but I askt him about these leaks, and this kind of thing, there are so many men’s names that it makes them think of women who have fewer names to trick you with, if you think this is a man and a woman, “too bad,” somebody says, then that is because you have run out of names for them and this is, women. Did you know at that time? Do you remember naming a man? A man, black and white, you gave a name.
Technical quality Xmas cards (paperweights), temporal quality sexist cards, Bay of Pigs quality additional cards, Watergate quality off-hand cards, Samsonite quality religion cards, plummers quality trimmers cards, you aint gonna stop me, you cant stop me no how, stop me, two minutes, stop bath, no cards, aint no cards to show, blown away and otherwise scattered, nothing to show just something to lay on paper.
It was not in my consciousness (Dunes), it was just not in my consciousness. But he knew and he knew and evidently he did Oh yes he did Oh he did yes he did he knew yes he did that a dune took her cold clothes off and came. Now when did you first become concerned about exposure to China? No to California to Death Valley to Dunes of Death Valley to the Duino Elegies. May we have some order and may we have a vote vote delivered to the house white in the middle of the dunes delivered. Breakfast on the dunes. Breakfast will be served on my belly, breakfast will be served from 7:30 – 10:30 on the belly of the one who lies down for it who will lie down for it, two minutes, stop. But dunes get crumpled and fucking dusty, everything was very crumpled I mean cordial as we sat down to the dinner table on the belly of the whale’s dune and we went about our business as usual like he said Hello lonely honey what do you have and the other one says well darlin and he whips out his constitution which he happened to have in his back pocket and this constitution had what they call big amps which is power and so he (the first one) said leaning over onto the belly of the descriptive dune, he said quash it or I’ll quash it and the belly listened listening, inside, what’s going on.
Intensive investigation: he adores him (Woman). Unless that’s just an illusion. Bob said that he hated the woman and if there were any subjects that would not get talked about freely then this was one of them. When did you first become aware that you hated women and blamed them for all your mysteries, for money, for your money, for money for…I don’t think I became aware of that till sometime after the first of the year and then it came not so much in the money sense but in this episode where I was trying to make contact with him and make him happy and the rest of the Cuban Americans and it wasn’t to make me happy and I was to make that lively and clear and in the interests of some people and things other than women and dunes and pandas, paperweights (?) and Indians at work either in the foreground or in background, what’s left is Etna.
Etna is there, I thought it was a dune, you could lay out your dinner there too. Etna looks each deep into the other’s eyes, that is the volcanoes that have vision and if one, like Etna (who her) is on top or above it all and another, higher up, but not higher, but looking down holding all golden sway, but we must leave out the colors, Etna stop, two minutes. What is a context? Did you find a new color, sweeping up. And you dare say that the dawn broke somewhere around March of this year. Fuck her, she’s awful, write the statute: volcanoes explode. I was on the verge, now you say, I was on the verge of moving my legs (unless a friend comes and pulls me back, is weaned) like a conceptual index and you babies just gotta get some weight. And how do you know that? Because I can understand the English language, it’s my mother tongue.
The bird (of Paradise) was in it from the first minute so I must’ve learned about it on the evening news or something. Give the dimensions. We are going to take a ten-second pause in our coverage of all things, the South. Give the direction, this is all things considered, as you read a book from left to right, at my side, at my stance, at my insistence or instance, at my anger, moving from left to right. Otherwise is unnatural or Oriental. Give a southern accent to agitate just one step further and what I am driving for is when you first knew that the bird would fragment (frame #?) and in frame #? or frame # what, I can’t see shit. What did you learn from March to June additional muddle on through and in frame # what you add a mother, so what? It’s Beth’s bird and no one else is is why it’s so hard to take off from even though you is so tired even though you is so weary you stick right in and suckin on through just waitin, won’t give up, you is reversal of roles and the malaise fades, you weaned or broke off and me back where I started from without the bird you me identity and without any hard long legs, just sick. So set back and going now, not as you read a book but backwards there from right to left a hard way for humans to work so do I say to you don’t heat my soup I’ll do it myself and is that something to be handled in that time frame. You made a log of it, two logs, a million logs, you two.
You moon rock held in a vise, you Bird of Paradise stuffed in a trained environment and legless, you ain’t used to motion anyhow, no moth on the moon, no mouth, no wind, no wind in an air-controlled museum, how could you?
I go to two movies that sell wine, gold and orange light. Adjoining theaters, they show the tall blond man with one black shoe and the man who…mean streets, mean men, they show these films through an outdoor café. The films are reversed. Gregory Peck says, you’ll never get into that one, the one I’m supposed to go to, mean streets, mean and woman (“You can’t pay people to go to the biggest hit in New York.”). Gregory Peck says, let’s get some wine instead, from the movie stores that sell wines and he has picked up a tape-recorder on the streets shaped like a pistol a gun and it plays “shots” and the shots cause riots and people to fall down, bleeding, rows of women with cut hair and running from Madison to Third (I should be further over), there’s enough action and fear to wake me. I am meeting Spider at the movies. I left him with his family (two #127’s – 12/7), “I got us out of here by going to the movies,” like breasts lime rickies, like airplanes and birthdays, Pearl Harbor Day (The Locked Room and something pretty). And in front of the adjoining movie theaters, G. Peck asks me for some money for the wine and while I am slow pulling a ten out of my pocket, he says, “Well if you’re going to be so traditional about it, I’ll pay for the wine,” and by this time he’s been a woman and is a man again. We’ve done some fast talking. Peck and I are the same, a famous shadow, tape-recorded shots of shooting stars. And this is called Replacement.
And this is called Formal Family. One round mother, one long tall father, a wiggly sister and a line for a brother and I’m here up at the end but it’s all a dream.
Finzi-Continis: Dear mother dear mother I only live so far and I only have two hands and the movie is loud so loud as windows we strained our necks to see so far the end I have a lot to direct I want to eat drink smoke write and, perdida, watch this garden movie a movie with sound and smell is a terribly sorry ounce of this personal instruction comes as a prescription. Listen, it’s almost over says the music and hokey shots of sky through trees light up your shadow on the page and they laugh how do they know we’re studying here we’re studying front row center, great or major works and it’s too big they’re too big the mise en scène makes no sense it’s anger at your father if you were never a mother perpetrates a look of design on you and bigger than life and change reels all’s well sound must be Italian and embrace embrace and up and I do when a song gets sung except a telephone rings and it must be god or godot the way this one is going like pretensions are not in travelogues let the snow snow snow on fucking Italian names and what about her thesis about design she is an input she is stimulating him/her and all I see’s the writing there is no plot for grain so what’s the relation of Giorgio, there is no creative politics, Giorgio to the guy moaning in the aisle and at childhood memories everybody moves and the words take over too much actually a bent spending paper she resigns she reigns she can’t breathe looking dead spent the ultimate breath in bed, dead, is pretty interesting, said in the house and you are pale blanket sections into rhythm some design an old age quite spaced out there is always a scene there are two scenes and someone says and the ultimate sentient beings in a fight worry back the average man is spacing the average man is speaking and someone says que causa and it’s us anything but what I saw the edge edging over into the obscenities of the woman forced to be a doll and he says and he is someone and someone says we’re all fine and so they move and they move. The Italians know know nothing in their speech. A signal piece of cake may have the salt I sold my later in spaced out balls all Nazis begging for bread some prison they provided me with cucumbers and apples and bread but no food, dissidents like me and I said and I am someone and someone says eat the peels, I am the food, I mean no room not even a cell only structure for design like I mentioned before like the structure for design of some running rain like the structure of a running train that’s a train that runs, over flags over red flag canals maybe over into the whited-out castle section where the integration-princes where the integration-secretary where all the integration all of art and playful science was expected by the princess was hoped for by the secretary in 1930 was designed by the money she invested in the castle, some art and some science all art and playful science was designed in together, now, except, before, anyway, somehow, for all the rich motherfuckers and someone says and they point out and someone says some of em jews, what is a thesis? And so, it makes me angrier to see you than to miss you, this, out, on and so, something about women, a question: the boy stood on the burning deck wearing boots of steel big nose and black pelt and you can’t tell what’s below the belt and be sure you get it level and some space mean in the parks not isolated not trees a run rhythm, it’s fall and someone says what a second minute and you say something and you are someone and someone says so what and water sinks ships not one another so and so to speak is just memory connection dishes fishing dove into the bay or dove in the boy a poesy and the accord or in accord and shit for reasons a little cause is going on little cause my garden’s a political noun and so delay or declare war and so we have short little wars, the end. And so Solini Has Met His Finish in the Mad House.
Summary: Black. You already see the effect the lyric and the image of somebody’s nouns. You can’t bank on em. You express chance and surprise you do something to puzzle to riddle to foresee to precede to wait you rhyme you hear Poe automatic. You see a frame a window frame the dark shade is drawn and with your eyes closed you can still see the sun outlining the frame and within that frame words appear, if you want.
You could describe prose. You could store up and save it. You can catch what you throw since ear is open to picture and picture comes pulse at a time. Everybody’s mad as a fuck. Nobody pierces time you always gotta force it.
What happens to you? Ideas and systems opened and closed as clocks—no good like energy like nothing if nothing and so lie. Just as easy to lie about as to lie about the same thing. You covered and hid you cheated etc., you puzzled again, you trapped you make the terrific something and now there’s something.
To do? You see what happens what happens to you you see, wait around what the fuck you wait you is waiting now you say: I want a distance between myself and you so I’m writing out this, listen, prescription and none of you, not even the ones who can’t think of anything to do, none of you have nothing to say about it, it is even and it is wait: cause I at least can get rid of this and this at least is a memory take my word for it.
And whatever it is, written, it isn’t, there, it cannot be written and no one and on and on and on except as chronology concerns, say, nobody remembering everything as if it were in Moby Dick or something so, fatter, the confidence man isn’t fatter, or, like me having an affair, no I am a man having an affair with his daughter and this comes way before I ever knew you: my wife is mad at me. Our affair is documented with pictures in a beautiful art magazine, the pictures are geometric pastels like false dimensional art. She forbids me to look at it. I look anyway.
Now see that’s the trouble with recording. It doesn’t work it doesn’t myth together. I am working on it. I can’t think on anything worse and it’s only midnight as they say at least there are nuts on the cake to make it have some value to fool, like lights glare and you lose track of something I don’t know, but let me try this: it’s as if you were just found here and then started out from there, does that make sense, now we have all these antecedents who don’t make sense so why should you, there’s something about concentration that makes it impossible to be you.
Faith no faith J’s in bed campaigning for selectman Hello I’m Dick Taylor I’m, Hi I just stopped to pry to into your lives inroad myself Stephen Hose he’s fed up and rightly so, there’s something that’s not in the hose I guess about three cents an hour, have you ever ate mud next drift the wiring’s announced was gonna run the day of the caucus eat dog food or cat food know him from the Fire Department, that slow along way down the page you see I was sitting there hearing I’m assistant chief at’s a nice loom and a nice lookin dog you ate Szechuan food with in New York and they go to the fires with them I had a pickup as though to begin with you know everything.
Jump up on top of the motor go over and get one of thirty cords of wood a year on real cold nights I hadda get caught sit up half the night that’s for sure at that time I had more labor than I did money sawing wood every night bark remember doin it new little dog.
