How to Navigate Life, page 17
When teams felt psychologically safe, they were more productive because people felt free to share ideas, admit and learn from mistakes, engage in learning, ask for help, speak up, and provide feedback to others.6 They felt comfortable to be their full selves. Bottom line: people and relationships thrive when they feel safe to open up … when they can express ideas without fear of criticism or judgment, even when they disagree.
Safety is paramount when doing purpose work, because it means taking risks—to be open, vulnerable, and genuinely curious. We have to be open to uncertainty. We have to be vulnerable by sharing deep parts of ourselves. We have to lower our defenses and let people in. We have to feel protected from judgment, criticism, or embarrassment. So creating space for purpose exploration means creating safe space.
Psychological safety relies on mutual trust and respect.7 Trust comes with a shared agenda—a sense that we’re on the same team. And respect comes from the ability to follow through on this agenda.
On the Same Team
When deciding whether to trust people, we ask ourselves: Are they trying to help, hurt, or use me? There’s a reason commissioned salespeople have a bad rap—we don’t fully trust their intentions. We know it’s likely that their hearts are divided between helping us reach our dreams and lining their own pockets, even if it means selling us lemons. Our kids pick up on our hidden agendas, too. They know when our awesome intentions for them are clouded by our own values, anxieties, or beliefs that we know what’s best for them (because sometimes we do). To muddy the water further, often they think they know our misguided intentions and reject our earnest offers to support them.
In contrast, when people or organizations convince us that they’re for us, with no opposite agenda—we trust them. When companies express this through warmth and connection, we buy in.8 Think Amnesty International or Doctors Without Borders.
Conveying warmth is not necessarily about acting sweet, warm, and fuzzy with our students. It’s building a genuine relationship. Warmth is earned by demonstrating the trustworthy intentions behind our actions. Oftentimes, it’s the football coach who makes the team do hundreds of push-ups, the physics teacher who grades the hardest, the music teacher who won’t let you rest until you get it right—who are seen by their students as the warmest, most trustworthy people. They prove that they push us because they care … sans hugs, feelings, or other fuzziness.
Our research shows that parents’ high expectations make their students anxious only when they don’t match students’ own expectations.9 Expectations hurt students only when they feel out of sync with them. But when students feel like you share their best interests and aren’t driven by your ambitions or fears of failure—they can put up with a lot. They can tolerate honest feedback, being pushed out of their comfort zones, even firm correction. They’ll trust you when you support them in the ways they want to get better.
Getting that very message across to our students pays huge dividends. In one study, middle school students were asked to write an essay about a personal hero.10 Teachers gave them written feedback, and a chance to revise their essays to improve their grades. When handing back the essays, the teachers also attached a handwritten note. Half of the students received this neutral message: “I’m giving you these comments so that you’ll have feedback on your paper.” The other half received one that expressed personal intentions: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.” The difference in outcomes was staggering. As a result of this simple handwritten message that conveyed a sense of personal connection, students were ten times more likely to revise their essay for a better grade.
Sadly, math motivation tends to drop as students get older. But not for those who felt their teachers cared for them.11 Students who had strong relationships with their teachers were much more willing to lean in to calculus, algebra, and geometry. In general, when students believe you care and that you’re in it with them, they’re more willing to go all in. To listen, to receive feedback, and to push themselves toward their full potential.
Do you push your students? Do you ask them to go beyond their comfort zones and do hard things? Do they know why you push them? Have you clearly communicated it to them? Do they know that you care to support their dreams … not yours?
What Have You Done for Me Lately?
Besides being attracted to warmth and trustworthiness, we’re also drawn to people, products, and companies that are highly competent.12 Do they have the know-how? Do they appear efficient, capable, skillful, clever, and knowledgeable? Do they have the confidence and ability to carry out their intentions? Know-how is more than just intelligence—it’s special resources, skills, and creativity. When people have the right abilities and skills to actually help us with something we can’t easily do on our own, our respect and appreciation for them grow.
Our students do the same unconscious analysis when deciding who to trust. They’re asking themselves: “Do I like working with this person?” (warmth and trust) and “Does this person know what they are doing?” (respect). So, to be let in, we have to show them a combination of why we want to help (we’re for them) and how we can help. That we’re approachable and able.
Students feel safe with adults they see as both warm and competent. Yes, we can outsource to others who can help guide our students. But this book is about putting tools in our own toolkits that will enable us to listen more skillfully and even join our students’ team of trusted mentors.
So how can you uniquely help your people? By “helping” we’re not talking about showing them you have strengths and skills in their fields of interest. What you have to offer is much more fundamental than knowing exactly how to guide them in becoming sports marketing managers, YouTubers, or ancient Egyptian art connoisseurs. Your competence is the ability to listen effectively when a young person reflects on a big life question. Your competence is the willingness to understand their perspective, to validate how they are feeling, and to do your best to help them based on what they are saying. We know there may be days when it’s easy to feel like dinosaurs. Young people don’t believe we can remember what it’s like to be their age. They think we were born old and that social media has completely changed the way the world works. But truth be told, the deep needs for belonging and purpose that characterize the high school and college years remain the same.
So what you have to offer is what young people need most: a foundational relationship that will set them up for true and long-term success. Of everything we’ve discussed, your relationship with your people is hands down the most important influence on their ability to discover purpose.13
In one of our studies, students described feeling pressured into a performance mindset to survive at school despite it hurting their self-esteem and well-being.14 But a follow-up study showed that those with good mentoring resisted the rat race and pursued purposeful goals.15
Relationships with parents and mentors are the blueprints for how students engage with the world and how they see themselves. It’s humbling to realize that through their relationship with you, they can gain the self-acceptance, inspiration, and support needed to resist toxic societal expectations.16
What Good Mentoring Looks Like
Research on adolescents across demographics, in and out of the United States, suggests a few universal characteristics of “good” mentoring. It’s a combination of “pushing,” “pulling,” and “partnering.” Sometimes we have to pull our people in close to build relationships and show them we care. We do this by affirming them. Other times, we have to push them to step outside their comfort zones to become their best selves. We do this by challenging them. Still other times, we have to go to bat for them. We have to partner with them in addressing systemic barriers or injustices. We do this by advocating for and with them. Good mentoring is knowing the balance of when to push, when to pull, and when to step in and partner with them in changing unjust systems they swim in. In multiple studies, purposeful students had mentor figures (like great teachers or parents) who did all three.
Affirm Them
Affirming relationships are those in which students feel that they are valued and believed in and that their actions and decisions are understood. Affirmation is a lot like the parenting adage “catch them doing something right.” It’s not empty and general praise. It’s expressing something specific that you see in them that’s aligned with their elements of purpose. More often, parents are tempted to do the opposite—“catch them doing something wrong.” Catch the things that aren’t right, and critique and correct them (e.g., “I can understand what you did, but try doing X next time”). These are fear responses. We fear that our students might make mistakes, go off the rails, not be okay or good enough. We fear we will not have imparted all of our wisdom and warnings before they leave the nest. There’s little to be gained in finding fault and fear reactions. They don’t constructively help students grow and learn in the intended direction. (Think of the supervisor, friend, or family member who’s constantly finding fault with you—how’s that working out for you? For the relationship?) These comments instill fear, a sense of not being accepted or safe, because they’re born from fear.
We recommend checking our inner critics before they speak. It’s easy to overreact about what’s needed right now or about the ultimate outcome. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “My student is learning. Making mistakes is par for the course.”
We always have a choice of how to react. We can mostly point out things that concern us, or we can tune in to things we admire about them. Students grow and change when they feel seen, accepted, appreciated, trusted, and respected. It inspires them to do more of the things that represent their best selves. So, if we want our students to be their best selves, and pursue their purpose, we have to catch them doing it. We’re all works in progress. Notice progress in the right direction. Embrace who your student is right now (“I love watching you care for your friends that way” or “I love hearing you debate medical ethics with Aunt May”) rather than constantly trying to improve them (“If you tweak this or that, it will go even better next time”). Say specifically what you appreciate about their efforts (“You worked so hard at linear equations, and now you’re seeing the fruits of your labor”) rather than evaluating their personhood (“You’re a good student”). Find ways to cheer them on when the going gets tough (“I’m so proud of how you bounced back after getting knocked down … I see you working hard out here!”).
Pro-Tips for Affirming Your People: Find creative ways of expressing to your people how much you value their purpose-related choices and actions. Notice whether there are ways they think, speak, do, act, believe, and so on that are in line with their purpose. Catch them in the act, and affirm what you see. Acknowledge sacrifices they may make for their core values, the strengths they’re bringing to the things they do, the skills they’re working at, and the positive impact they’re having on others.
Affirmation Toolkit
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Embracing Who They Are
“I appreciate the way you role-modeled your values to your brother when you…”
“You inspired me to be my best self today by the way you…”
“I really admire your optimism [or other character strength]. It’s so nice to be around your positive energy.”
“Thanks for making my life easier by using your skills in … to help me with…”
“You helped me with … by putting your unique spin on it.”
“I am blessed to work/live/be with you, because…”
“You made my day today by … [being of service in this way].”
Acknowledging Their Efforts
“It impressed me when you [stayed true to your values, used your strengths, leaned into those skills, served others by…].”
“Seeing you use your skills in … inspires me to do more with my skills.”
“You care so much about the quality of what you do. I love how you pay such close attention to…”
“You’re so brave for being so genuinely yourself, which isn’t always easy. I admire the way you stayed true to yourself by…”
“I noticed how hard you worked at [efforts related to purpose…].”
Cheering Them On
“I am so proud of all that you’ve accomplished, such as [purpose-oriented choices] … and I know that you can [do whatever they are setting out to do].”
“It makes me so happy to see you following your dreams to accomplish [their goals, not necessarily yours].”
“I know you’re capable of great things because … [evidence of living with purpose].”
“I want you to go after that dream to … You need to know that you are already making a difference in the lives of others and in my life by [doing that thing related to your dream].”
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Challenge Them
The truth is, the search for purpose is often stressful because it’s hard to tolerate uncertainty.17 Parents and mentors can play a huge role in emboldening students to face this challenge. We do this by instilling confidence students need to explore different avenues and make difficult choices. We can also help them to do what they didn’t think was possible.
Another way to think about challenging students is to consider the expectations we place upon them. Students always rise or fall to the expectations we set for them. When we challenge them by setting high expectations, and articulate why we are setting them, it shows that we believe in them. If our students have high expectations of themselves, our high expectations can feel supportive, rather than stressful. Sometimes, challenging our students might feel in conflict with affirming them. Where affirmation is comforting, a challenge asks them to step outside their comfort zone. By definition, this doesn’t feel great, and our gut reaction is to not upset the applecart. We might be tempted to take the path of least resistance in mentoring our students to keep the peace. Yet when we don’t challenge young people, we inadvertently lower our expectations of them, denying them their full potential.
Challenging students is about inspiring them to take action toward their purpose—toward their agenda, not ours. It’s drawing out their strengths and abilities. The ones needed to accomplish the goals they’ve set for themselves.
Our role is to provide support in an uncertain world. To let them know that, yes, they should pursue that goal because it’s purposeful to them. We can help them to move beyond the doubt and uncertainty that may lead to inaction. We can instill in them the belief that they have the capacity to pursue their dreams and they are strong enough to bounce back from failure.
Challenging students is pushing them to pursue something that you know they are capable of but that they don’t think they are. It’s working toward something just outside their current skill set that is achievable with focus and determination. Education psychologists call this the zone of proximal development. To know when to challenge students, you have to realize when they are stuck, when they aren’t moving forward or are dragging their feet. The next step is to understand why. If they aren’t moving forward because they are scared of failure, that’s when you challenge them. You challenge them because you believe in them. Challenging them instills your confidence in them when they lack it themselves.
Ultimately, good mentoring is the art of balancing affirmation and expectations. We affirm students to show them they have our unconditional support—no matter what they do or don’t do, achieve or don’t achieve. We will support and value them, no matter what. At the same time, we challenge them not because they need to prove themselves, but because we believe in them. Some will need more affirmation, while others will need to be challenged. The balance of the two is unique to each person, relationship, and circumstance.
Pro-Tips for Challenging Your People: Find creative ways of challenging your people to do things that stretch them but are still within reach. Notice whether there are ways that they can grow or new opportunities to offer them that are in line with their purpose.
Challenge Toolkit
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Where do you challenge your students by holding high expectations of them?
Is it academically? In sports? As a brother, sister, or other family member?
In what areas do you hold higher expectations compared with other areas?
If you don’t have high expectations of them, are there opportunities where you could challenge them?
Now consider: Why do you set high expectations?
Why is this important to you? Are the reasons you hold high expectations connected to your aspirations, or theirs? (You can be honest!)
Reflect on core values or value archetypes; how do they influence your expectations? Use core values to explain why you (and they) share high expectations. “When you work hard at that goal, you’re living out your values of growth, wisdom, and creativity … keep at it.” “When you keep asking questions, that’s the Trailblazer in you.”
Why do you know that your students can meet these expectations?
What specific examples from their past experiences prove they can meet these expectations?
When have you seen them overcome challenges or meet high expectations?
What’s a step they can take in the right direction that’s the right size? Challenging but not overwhelming?
Now, connect these three dots:
“I’m challenging you to…”
“I’m encouraging you to rise to these expectations because…”
