An Authentic Life, page 27
“They say that I am unfit.”
“Because of Geraldine?”
“Yes. And they say I don’t look after her physically.”
“That’s nonsense.”
“I know. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.”
“You can give her up.”
“Geraldine?”
“Of course.” The tone of his voice is turning fast to anger. “You have to.”
“I already have.” She feels her dishonesty to herself as she says this. It is another betrayal of Geraldine and of her. “At least, she gave me up. To protect Lou.”
He looks at her in momentary disbelief and then realises that she is serious in her words. She sees the tension go out of him with something akin to belief.
“Thank God for that.”
She looks at him now, braving the next question and Daniel’s likely answer.
“You mind a lot, don’t you? About me and Geraldine, I mean.”
“Yes I do. How would you imagine I would feel, telling my friends or having Zoe home?” Then he adds, “And I mind for Lou, of course.”
She has not thought of the onward ramifications for Daniel outside his relationship with her. At least she has not thought properly about it. Now the reason for his constant absence and for her not meeting Zoë are patently obvious. He must feel very strongly about it.
“Do you not understand, Daniel? Is it such a big thing?”
He sits silent, playing with the trifle he has chosen.
“No, not really.”
She knows when her son is not being fully truthful. It clearly is a big thing for Daniel – a very big thing.
“I just don’t see how it could bring any happiness. Let’s face it, look at the trouble it’s brought already.”
She can think of little to say to him in response to his very poignant comment, and all the rehearsals she had in her mind over the last weeks fall away to redundancy. She looks across the gulf of the kitchen table and their unhappiness at her son, the boy who is on the verge of manhood and whom she loves so much.
“I can’t make this easy for you, Daniel, I just want you to know that I was happy with Geraldine for the first time in all the years since your father left us. It was as simple as that.”
From somewhere deep inside his hurt, it seems as if Daniel has heard her. He looks down, saying nothing. It seems that some small sense of recognition or shame has overcome him.
“How does Zoe feel about it? She asks, making the assumption that this has been well discussed.
He says nothing.
“Daniel?”
“She says it’s cool,” he half acknowledges, half snorts.
“Does that not tell you something?”
“It doesn’t tell me how we are going to protect Lou in all this. And I doubt I can really understand. I’m just glad it’s over, to be honest.”
“I don’t know that it is all over, Daniel. Not for sure. Daniel, the letter that the Rodgers sent to Geraldine said that you would support an application to have Lou removed from my care.”
She watches him closely as she risks saying this. He hesitates and then manages - with difficulty, she thinks - to look her in the eye.
“It wasn’t like that. Their solicitor rang me. He asked what I would think if you were …. were taking Lou to bed with your partner.”
“And you fell for that?” Joanna is angry but trying not to show it.
Daniel looks at her and then away. He knows he has fallen into a trap in saying whatever he did to the solicitor.
They talk on some more, but Daniel is closed down to her. All she has gained tonight is the knowledge that at least he has not shut down all communication with her. But he has the good grace to say that he will speak to any Curator about how well his family get on together.
“The Rodgers are not having her,” he says with determination.
“The Musketeers,” Joanna laughs as she stands to end the evening.
“The Musketeers,” he agrees, “All for one; in this case, all for Lou.”
The notion of being united by the common enemy comes to her. At least they have that at they say goodnight. She wonders how this would have gone as a conversation if she and Geraldine were still together. But she does not have the courage to ask. All she can say to him is that they have time on their side. Perhaps in time, he will understand and accept this part of her. He looks at her slowly, doubt in his eyes.
There has been no suggestion that she should meet Zoë and she knows this is because of his strength of feeling about his mother at the moment. Perhaps, she suggests, things will settle and Zoë will visit them, like any ordinary girlfriend situation. She has the distinct impression that Zoë’s visit being in doubt is down to Daniel and not to the young woman.
Her dreams that night are tortuous. She is with Geraldine and they are in the bungalow. But when they head together towards the bedroom, which is suddenly not in the bungalow but somewhere down an ancient hospital corridor, they are waylaid by an army of terracotta soldiers, just like the Chinese ones. As she looks closer, they start to move in a slow motion of regimented goosesteps, designed to terrorise. Geraldine tries to stop her from looking but she breaks free. Slowly the faces start to come alive and to glare at her in silent threat. There is Lou and there is Daniel. Then in officers’ uniforms, there are Jake and Martha. They hold axes in the changing forms of pens and then swords. But, alone now, she walks through the army and she knows that Geraldine is being held back somewhere out of sight. She tries to turn round to see but the pull towards the army is too compelling. She has to see what lies beyond. Martha is laughing. And beyond them all, a figure in double proportion to the rest is sitting on some kind of horse that is not a horse but a car bonnet. She wakens just as the car, with Stephen heading straight for her, is about to crash straight into her.
Sweat is pouring down her brow as she sits up and glances at the clock. It is four thirty and there will be no more sleep tonight. Shaken, she knows that the dream needs little interpretation. It takes minutes for her heartbeat to come back to its usual rhythm.
Over a pot of coffee in the kitchen, she considers the problems she faces. She sees no way out of the trap she is in. Yet in the still of the early morning, there is comfort in the knowledge that across the city, there is a woman who loves her and whom she loves. Would that it were as simple as living life out on that basis. This is probably the most intense of romantic relationships she has ever experienced or will ever experience again. And it is not available to her.
She wonders how far the silence between them over the last days and weeks will have created a gulf that cannot be closed. What would it be like to be back in that place of warmth and intimacy with Geraldine? She has no idea. At one level, it feels almost like a dream, a mirage that is already beginning to fade. It is gone for good. The unsullied nature of it has been corrupted. The hurt and then the anger she has felt before last evening would taint any potential they might have to come together in the distant future. She can only imagine that the decision that Geraldine was forced to make will take its toll on her as well. How must she have felt about making that decision about her job, let alone the decision to walk away from Joanna?
Chapter 34
Jaded, she faces another day, emotionally somewhere closer to Geraldine, practically every bit as far away.
Wendy turns up in her office just before lunch. She is serious faced and tired looking.
“I had a meeting in the staff training unit,” she says, by way of explanation for her presence in this hospital. “Can we eat together?”
Joanna is glad of the chance to be with her friend, but knows that there is some bad news to come.
“Something’s wrong, isn’t it?” she asks when they have cleared away from other colleagues they meet as they head for the restaurant.
Wendy nods and focuses on her tray as they walk along the self-service queue taking salads and bread, fruit and water in abstracted and disinterested fashion. The queuing seems interminable and Joanna can see that her friend is close to tears. Finally, she steers her towards a corner of the vast dining hall and they sit down. Joanna asks again.
“What’s wrong?”
Wendy looks at her.
“Bobby knows.”
“Oh God,” Joanna says before she has time to stop herself. Her reaction is one of concern, as much for Bobby as it is for Wendy. How is she going to support each of the two women in these circumstances?
“How did she find out?” She thinks to ask in the silence of Wendy not knowing what else to say. The generally spirited and fun packed Wendy is far from her usual ebullient self.
“Jerry left a hotel bill in his wallet and Bobby was hunting for money to pay the window cleaner yesterday while Jerry was out walking their dog.”
“God. What happened?”
Wendy winces at the memory of what did happen.
“She rang me last night. Jerry and she had had an almighty row, or so I gathered when he rang me later on. It was awful, Joanna. She was more stunned and hurt than angry. That was the worst part. Even over the phone, I just wanted the ground to open up.”
“What did she actually say?”
“That she needs time to think. You could tell she was trying to stay composed. She’s suggested that once we have all three had a chance to think about it, we should meet.”
Joanna thinks that this is typical of the social work trainer in her friend Bobby. If, sometime in the past, someone of the Gang had slept with Stephen, she doubts if she would have taken the calm and reasoned approach that Bobby appears to be doing. As it was, when she found out that Stephen was sleeping around after they separated, she was beside herself and that knowledge put the nail in the coffin of any prospect of reconciliation with her husband.
“What happens now? You said you have spoken to Jerry?”
“He’s asked me to deny anything happened.”
“How did Bobby know it was you in the hotel bedroom?” Joanna asks, realizing that there is something missing to this story.
“It was stupid. I told Bobby on the phone before all this came out that I had a night at the hotel on my own, having a massage and a facial and a general indulgence for one.”
Joanna groans inwardly at this aspect of Wendy’s character where she seems to want to sail so close to the wind of her own self-destruction. Or maybe she wanted to be found out, somewhere deep in her unconscious?
“And she put two and two together?”
“That’s right. Except Jerry has denied it.”
“So what did you say on the phone? Did you deny it?”
“I was caught off guard. The actual words I used were ‘Jerry and I were at the hotel, yes’.
“So Jerry denied it, you said you were there, and she believes you are having an affair. But she does not know for certain?”
“That’s about it. But you know what a wife’s instinct is like. I would say that she is all but certain.”
“All she’s got to do is ring the hotel and ask who was in which room,” Joanna observes.
“If they will release that information.” Wendy argues, the thought of this eventuality hitting her for the first time. She is more than alarmed. “She could tell Toby,” she all but groans at the prospect of her husband finding out.
“Toby would not be as measured in his reaction as Bobby appears to be at the moment,” Joanna comments, wryly. “And what do you want out of all this?” Joanna asks after a few seconds of silence as she picks at the food in front of her with total disinterest. She does not intend the question to be as harsh as it sounds, but Wendy does not appear to notice.
“I wish I knew. Jerry is a fling and we both know it. But I am very fond of him and it hurts that he wants to pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t know how I’ll cope with nothing in life but Toby. He’s such a pain.”
‘Better the devil you know’, is on the tip of Joanna’s tongue, but she restrains herself. This is not the time for advice. It is time for a listening ear and nothing else. Except, she is as concerned for the Gang as she is about the fact that two marriages are under severe threat.
“Are you going to deny it? Have you decided yet?” She asks, focussing on the potential fallout from this situation.
“That’s why I wanted to talk to you. Would you be there? When the three of us meet, I mean.”
“Me?” Joanna almost starts in surprise. “Why on earth would I be there? Isn’t this between the three of you?”
“Of course. But I need help, Joanna, and you were the one I thought of. I love Bobby, you know. She is a good friend. And I don’t want her or me to get any more hurt than we are already. If it all gets nasty, you would be a very levelling influence. I wouldn’t ask if I could face it on my own, believe me. I know it’s a lot.” Her voice trails away.
Joanna is tempted to say what she is silently thinking; that Wendy would not be hurt just now if she had not slept with her friend’s husband and Wendy is not half as hurt today as Joanna imagines Bobby is at this moment. But she bites her tongue. Recriminations will not help.
“Have you agreed to the meeting?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
“And did you say you wanted me there?”
“Not yet. I thought I’d ask you first.”
Joanna thinks for a few moments as Wendy finally picks up her fork and takes a bite of salad. Maybe she could help by being there. Maybe it will make matters worse. It will certainly take it away from the privacy of only the three involved parties knowing about this. And it will bring the whole issue, inevitably, to the Gang as a whole. Bobby will assume that Joanna will tell Geraldine. That will leave only Michelle who does not know. It will all come out, won’t it? And that will mean the end of the Gang?
“Ask Bobby if she is prepared for me to be there. And if she agrees, I’ll be there. But, Wendy, it’s on one condition. That you tell the truth, no matter how difficult that is. And what happens after that will at least be based on the reality of the situation.”
Wendy looks worried at the idea of facing Bobby and Jerry.
“What if they tell Toby?”
“I don’t know that they will. In fact, I’d be very surprised. But it’s a chance you have to take. Your husband may be volatile but he does love you and I suspect would forgive you anything.”
Wendy sits for a moment and then looks straight at Joanna.
“It’s time I was more honest. That’s what you think, isn’t it?”
Joanna nods, but she does so kindly.
Then Wendy looks relieved, some inner conflict resolved. She touches Joanna’s hand across the table.
“Thanks, Joanna. It means a lot.”
Joanna is only just able to contain her irritation with Wendy. How could she have done this to the Gang?
And as she walks back to her office, a heavy evening session with her two friends and Jerry - all of them in deep distress - looming ahead in the not too distant future, she realises that Wendy is not the only one to put the Gang’s future in jeopardy. Is that not what she and Geraldine have also done?
Chapter 35
The week drags now and it seems an eternity before it is Thursday afternoon. She has an appointment to see Angela’s manager to complete her staff appraisal. John Barnes is a nice enough young man, ambitious and ‘pro’ the establishment; full of all the departmental rhetoric. He may only be in his early thirties, but he has already worked out the way to career advancement in his dogged adherence to policy, to the counsellors’ wishes and to all the latest in management theory. Joanna prides herself in never having followed this path and in her basic belief that her work is, in its essence, an autonomous activity. She is a light year away from the ‘John Barnes’ of the social work world and unlike her senior manager, thinks that respect is something that managers have to earn; not their God given right.
This stands to be an interesting interview, the second with this particular manager. Last year, they agreed to differ, Joanna not quite obstructing the meeting with her ill-disguised disinterest in John’s appraisal of her. Then, she was deeply influenced by her counselling sessions with Jim and there was nothing that she needed, personally or professionally, from the combined efforts of Angela and John. She was secure in her job, the hospital team was stable and there were no personal issues facing her in the workplace. Her recent widowhood was her private business. She was first class at her job and that was the end of the matter. The whole notion of hierarchy for the type of work she did was anathema. In her terms, John Barnes was wet behind the ears of true social work practice. This year, things are quite different. She and Geraldine are known about within the organisation. She approaches her appraisal with a degree of diffidence.
But she enters the meeting with pleasant banter, just as she did a year ago.
“Here we go again, then,” she quips cheerfully. “Don’t think I’ve seen you at the hospital for a while, have I?”
John ignores the taunt. They both know that he has a span of twelve teams scattered about the area, several in the community, two at the hospitals - one of those psychiatric - and another over at the prison. He no doubt has much more critical matters to attend to in supporting those first line managers who are less experienced than the ‘long in the tooth’ Angela. There is little that Angela needs that John Barnes can help with other than the occasional shortfall in resources.
“Let’s run over the purpose of this meeting and then look at Angela’s report. You have seen it and agreed it, according to your signature here?”
He turns his copy of the report towards Joanna. She has hers on her lap.
He is not unfriendly - just focussed. Behind his mahogany desk and sitting in his leather-bound swivel chair, he oozes his sense of self-importance. This is a man on his way to the top and everything he does is a function of that aspiration.
Joanna just nods and smiles a warmth-free smile.
‘Let the boy do the work’, she thinks.
And they go through the report, noting her sound performance, her slightly self-contained attitude within the team this year and her ability to work in a sound non-discriminatory way. She has little to add and when John asks how she feels Angela has supported her over the year, she confirms her line manager’s skills at enabling the workers in the team as a whole. If the small, inferred jibe on John’s performance, as being significantly poorer than Angela’s, hits home, he shows no sign of it. No doubt, he would not even pick it up.
