An Authentic Life, page 23
But even although their words formed and created a potential new future, Joanna felt herself beginning to grieve for the present life where she is the pivotal point to Jeremy and Daniel and where the house that has been her home for all her adult life was going to be a place which she would have to relinquish and see sold to strangers. She felt fainthearted as she woke in the morning and saw the quietly assured Geraldine sleeping by her side, unaware of the depth of the nagging doubts her lover was harbouring.
Too soon, it is Sunday late afternoon, and they are heading back up the main road to Inverness, piled into Geraldine’s BMW as the less comfortable but more reliable option over Janna’s beat up saloon. And too soon, Geraldine drops them at home, leaving them, she says, to finish a report she has promised will be ready for forwarding to the Board for its next meeting on Thursday. Apparently it is on the future of the psychological service at the hospital and the need for additional resources. Joanna pays little attention, just disappointed that the weekend is coming to its close. She would have liked Geraldine’s company over supper. As she watches the car move off, loneliness seeps through her, albeit Lou is by her side. It is just not the same any more when Geraldine is not with her. Now she wishes she had been stronger in her conviction that they will live together as soon as it can all be negotiated.
Inside, there is a now familiar white envelope on the mat. She knows before opening it that it will be from Morrison and Law. She despatches Lou to have a bath before bed, closes the curtains and turns up the electric fire in the kitchen. Only then does she muster the courage to open the envelope. What she reads horrifies her.
The letter alleges that Lou is being kept in a filthy and unkempt state, is being exposed to the moral danger of seeing her mother in a lesbian relationship and is being deliberately kept away from the family of her late father. But the worst bit is at the end of the letter. Words from the grave are reproduced. Her late husband’s concerns will be conveyed as necessary to the court. They assert that she, Joanna, is a frigid, man-hating lesbian whose influence on any female daughter is likely to be damaging in the extreme. They are words that she realizes Stephen has left as part of his legacy. They are an adaptation of what she read that day in Ed’s office. They are just some of Stephen’s cruel words from the letter he left in the car when he ran into the tree; words twisted now by the Rodgers family to fit their nefarious case to take Lou from her. They are words that she vows quietly the children will never see. And Martha must still have the letter, presumably photocopied that day when she read them in Ed’s office. Presumably, also, Martha and Jake kept it till they had the occasion and excuse to use it against her. The fight for Lou goes on.
She knows that her solicitor will reply in forceful terms. She knows that the going was always going to be nasty and hard. She knows that whilst the feud goes on in correspondence, she has little to actually fear. But all that does not help one iota. She is sick, afraid and weary. She is so very weary. She is too weary to even lift the phone and tell Geraldine. She cannot face the ignominy of saying all that the letter contains down the phone - not even to Geraldine. Anyway, she concludes, there is a limit to how much she should burden Geraldine with.
She sees Lou to bed, holding the child long after she is asleep as if to protect her from the unseen evil of the intrusion into their lives that threatens them. Daniel arrives back from the last train in from Dundee. She wants to challenge him about the lateness of his return but he is sullen tonight and she senses that she needs to stand back. Better, she concludes to be welcoming and to see him settled for the night with the offer of a hot drink. Tomorrow, she will talk to him; persuade him to bring Zoë to meet her.
And when she finally crawls into her own bed, it is a fitful sleep, full of dreams and eventually the recurring nightmare that has long since disappeared, of Stephen in his car racing towards the tree. In the nightmare, she is by his side. Tonight, in the dream, Lou is out there on the car bonnet, waving in to her father.
She does not say anything to Geraldine the next day or the next. Something stops her as she rationalises that she does not want to upset the other woman, especially at work, when she is so happy just now. And she sees Ed, who says little except that the legal firm will rebut the assertions in the letter in the strongest terms. She is not to worry.
And she does not notice that Geraldine is seeing less of her at work. At least, she does not notice at first. By Friday, it has dawned on her. They have not had lunch once this week. The last time they spoke was on the phone last evening and then it was about plans for the weekend. Geraldine was decidedly vague.
Joanna goes in search of her in the late afternoon, needing, in any event, to discuss the case of an elderly lady whose mentally ill son appears to be stripping his mother’s house of its assets whilst she is in hospital for post stroke treatment. It looks as if a Guardianship order may be appropriate to protect the woman’s interests and Joanna wants Geraldine’s advice. Joanna is on legitimate and urgent business
She heads to the Department of Psychology and sees the team secretary as usual as she enters. The young woman is at her desk, sorting papers for filing. She glances up in surprise as Joanna enters.
“Hello, Mrs Rodgers. What can I do for you?”
“Hi. Is Mrs Spence around?”
The secretary looks surprised again.
“She’s not here, Mrs Rodgers. Did she not tell you? She has transferred. She works at the Royal now.”
Joanna knows that something is seriously wrong. She backs out, feigning an unruffled acceptance that is far from the truth. What is going on? Why has Geraldine transferred? And why has she not said?
She heads back to her office, closes the door behind her and reaches for the phone. She rings the Royal, thinking of the last time she was there – the day of Stephen’s death. The receptionist puts her through to the Psychology Department over there right away.
Yes, Mrs Spence is now working here. But she will not be in until Monday. Does Joanna want to leave a message?
She declines the offer to leave a message and puts in the time as best she can till the afternoon’s social work team meeting. There, she sits in silent bewilderment till Angela has used the last minutes before five o’clock. Joanna has always thought that her boss does this to stop the young ones disappearing on a Friday afternoon and now she sits there silently cursing the woman and her inconsequential agenda. There is the only thing of importance she takes in. Cuts are coming. A staff memo will be out shortly. Then, finally it is time to leave. Angela wishes her a good weekend. As her manager does so, Joanna wonders if she is giving her a particular look of scrutiny. But she does not dwell on it. She has to get round to the bungalow and find out what is going on.
She picks up Lou, drops her at the swimming club and promises to be back within the hour. The traffic is slow, and she is almost beside herself when she gets to Geraldine’s home. There is no answer. She rings again, in case Geraldine is in the bath or something.
Still there is no answer. She stands on the doorstep and rings the mobile number. That does not answer. Perplexed and upset, she checks Geraldine’s empty garage and then sits in her car and lets the minutes tick by, watching the end of the drive for the familiar BMW. It does not arrive.
‘Where is she?’ she asks herself, worry for Geraldine now coming to the fore.
Time is running out and she has to collect Lou. She leaves reluctantly, then picks up Lou and suggests they call round to Geraldine’s and see if she wants to come with them to get some fish and chips – Lou’s favourite even beyond chicken burgers. Oblivious to her mother’s distress, the child hoops with delight. But Geraldine is still not there and still not answering her mobile. There is no option but to head to the chip shop and join the queue.
An hour later, she and Lou are home. Daniel is in the shower, preparing for an evening in town. Half desperate with worry, she listens abstractedly to the child’s account of her day at school, miserable without her lover and from not knowing what to think. All she knows is that there is something seriously wrong for the day to have taken this turn. Geraldine is a reliable person, both at work, in their friendship and in their relationship. And now she is not there. It makes no sense.
She finally sits with Daniel in the kitchen as he gulps down a portion of oven-ready chicken and chips. She wants to get close to him and to address his increasing absence from home with him.
“How about bringing Zoë round tomorrow? She suggests, conscious as she does so that her need to be free to find Geraldine just might conflict with any arrangement she might make just now.
Daniel looks up from his plate and gives her a searching look.
“Geraldine round this weekend?” he queries.
“Probably,” she nods, hoping fervently that that will be the case. “We could all have supper together. How about it? It’s ages since we had an evening home together as a family.”
“Yes. It is.”
That is all the boy says. But it sends a frisson down her back.
Chapter 29
The next day dawns bright and the last strains of the late autumn sun promise an opportunity to be out in the country, perhaps with a picnic and a walk on the west coast. She wakens to the idea and as soon as it filters into her mind, she knows that that is not going to happen. Geraldine is not by her side and the day will be one of locating her and of finding out what is wrong. Jolted to anxious clarity, she lifts the handset by the bed and pushes the redial number for the bungalow. It rings and Geraldine’s voice comes on the line. But it is the answer phone and if Geraldine is there, she is not lifting the phone. If Joanna were alone, she would get into her car and go straight round. But at seven o’clock, Lou is still sound asleep in the room next door, and should not be left. Joanna drags herself to the kitchen and returns to bed with a mug of coffee. It is an hour before she looks at the clock again, an hour in which she has tried to take stock of the events of Friday and her lover’s absence. By nine o’clock, she is dressed, and thinking about what she can do to establish what has happened. She checks on Daniel’s room and is relieved to see his sleeping form under the duvet.
Lou appears downstairs, bleary with sleep and immediately wanting to know if Geraldine arrived after she went to bed last night. The child looks disappointed. Joanna reassures her that she probably had to go somewhere urgently and suggests that they call round to the bungalow and see if she is back yet. She curses silently to herself. They were intending to use a lunch hour to get keys cut, each for the other’s house and the week did not pan out as planned. If only she could get into her lover’s house.
She thinks of ringing Judy and Tom to see if Geraldine is there or if they know where she is. But she hesitates to do that. After all, she has not seen them since Judy was told about her mother’s relationship and it might be awkward. Geraldine was looking forward to that dinner with her and Lou, hopefully Daniel too, over at Beauly. Joanna does not want to alarm Judy or suggest to her that something is wrong between them. If something is wrong, that is.
Lou is more than keen to go round to the bungalow and they are at Geraldine’s front door by ten thirty. There is no car in the drive and no answer when they ring the bell. Again, Joanna looks in the garage window. The garage is empty. She makes reasoned assurances for Lou’s sake. Geraldine must have been called away. She will get in touch as soon as she can. What would Lou like to do today?
They drift into town, neither of them with any great interest in shopping. They have coffee at the same coffee house with its sofas as they did before. Lou chats and has chocolate again whilst Joanna scans the passers by, hoping for her lover to appear; hoping that Martha and Jake will not. Eventually, Joanna rings home and Daniel answers. His plans do not include a family meal, she realizes as her son tells her he is going to spend the day with Zoe. Disappointed, she suggests taking Lou to the latest Walt Disney at the multi screen complex and they spend the middle of the afternoon there. It is a safe place to let silent tears flow amidst the din of children’s laughter and screams of excitement.
Saturday night was unplanned, other than for the suggestion that she would cook for the family. So she does not know what they would have been doing if she and Geraldine had been together. She thinks of ringing people she knows who could tell her what the reason for Geraldine’s transfer was. John in Human Resources would be involved in any change of job conditions. Angela might know something. She could fabricate some pretext about a client that means she needs to be in touch with her psychologist colleague. Maybe the son who is fleecing his mother would be reason enough. Or maybe young Sarah who is struggling now with the radiotherapy would be reason enough. Although all these thoughts, and more, tempt her, she hesitates and some sixth instinct tells her to sit this out. But it is difficult and tortuous to just do nothing.
Sunday is marginally worse than Saturday. Joanna has never been keen on Sundays at the best of times and she wakens now to virtual certainty that she will not hear from Geraldine. The minutes drag. The hours drag. She resorts to cleaning the house, a task she normally leaves till a Monday evening. Daniel has finally knuckled down to a backlog of studying and, to her relief, she realizes that he is genuinely hard at work. Maybe this Zoë has persuaded him to focus on his entry to university. Joanna can only guess at the transformation. She agrees when a bored Lou, sensitive to the atmosphere that pervades the house, asks if she can go to see Jo-Jo. But Jo-Jo is out and so Lou asks if she can go round to see Gran Rodgers.
“Do you really want to see Gran Rodgers?” Joanna asks spontaneously, and then kicks herself for so negatively influencing the child.
“Well, no, not really. I want to see Geraldine,” the child mutters plaintively.
“I know, baby, so do I,” Joanna says as she hugs the child to her. “Tell you what, let’s you and I go for that nice walk round the hill on the Black Isle. I don’t suppose for one minute that Geraldine is home yet, but we could just check as we go past, couldn’t we?”
It is so tempting to keep checking, even if by now she knows that there is going to be no one at the house. So they do and the child is almost as disappointed as she is when they leave the road where the empty bungalow is and head off over the bridge to the promised walk.
The autumn colours are all but gone now and the drab afternoon light matches their mood as they almost dutifully plough on round the walk. Joanna recalls the very different afternoon here just a few weeks ago when she was so profoundly happy. And she thought that Geraldine was as happy as she was.
‘Maybe it was all based on a false premise,’ she broods as they head on the final long straight of the walk before the car park comes back into view. ‘Maybe she has cold feet for some reason and has pulled out. Maybe she asked to be transferred and that was the quickest way to end it. Maybe the pressure from the Rodgers got to her. Maybe she did not like being called a dyke.’
Mother, son and daughter have a supper of pasta heated in the microwave. It is a relief when Lou is in bed and Daniel has gone off once again to be with his girlfriend. How she hates this acceleration to adulthood that her younger son is going through. She feels redundant somehow to him just now. He is so unapproachable. But Joanna can sit in the lounge on her own, contemplating the way the last three days have changed her life. She is a widow and a social worker again, she is sure of it. She is sure that she is not Geraldine’s lover. How could she have thought for one second that this was what would be the best for the future?
If tonight were any other than Sunday with work to follow tomorrow, she would drown her emotions in the red wine that sits in front of her on the coffee table. But Lou is upstairs. That is one thing that keeps her from doing more than sip from her glass. And she needs all her strength to face work tomorrow. It will be a work place empty of the person who has brought quality to the task that they each performed. It is a workplace where the person she has loved over these weeks will be absent.
She lifts the phone one last time as she sits there. Maybe Geraldine is home now and will answer. But if she is home, she does not answer. The answer phone kicks in.
Chapter 30
There it is in black and white. The Chief Executive’s memo is in circulation on Monday morning. She reads it, trying like all staff do, to read between the lines to see what it really means. In her case, she is looking to see if there is a different reason from the one stated for the transfer of part of the Psychology Department to the Royal.
But it looks straightforward enough and so like the usual rationale for bringing services home within budget.
‘The Board decided at its October meeting on Thursday to make a number of cost-saving measures that will simultaneously improve services in a variety of Departments’.
She searches in the text for the part that matters.
‘The Department of Psychology at the Royal will be amalgamated with that at the City and the new unit will be sited at the Royal. With judicious and immediate staff transfer, there will be no need to fill current vacancies at the Royal and savings will consequently accrue with no detriment to patients’.
At another time she would have had a more than critical comment to make about this as she sits in the social work secretary’s office with her fellow social workers, drinking coffee and bemoaning the direction the Board is going in. Rumours abound about the need for a two point five million claw back in services before the end of the financial year and no one is happy. Three vacancies in the social work department will not be filled. They know that is a foregone conclusion as far as their own service is concerned. The gloom in the room is palpable.
