All These Monsters, page 29
“How can I trust you, when you’re the one reading my texts?” I shot back.
“Do you want to see my texts? Fine.” He grabbed his phone from his pocket and shoved it at me. “Take a look. You won’t find any secret midnight text sessions with some other girl. You won’t find me discussing our relationship with a girl I know you hate.”
I tried to swallow around the lump lodged in my throat. He sort of had a point about that. The tiny sliver of doubt felt like relief, like I could excuse him violating my privacy in a pretty horrible way and forget he’d just assaulted Edan. It would be easier, to forgive him and carry on thinking he was the guy I wanted him to be.
But he wasn’t.
I looked down at the phone he still held between us and then back up to him. The words this is over were on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to throw the phone he’d given me in his face and stomp away dramatically.
But Noah’s angry face flashed through my mind. There were more important things happening here besides my relationship with Julian. I took a deep breath.
“OK,” I said. “Open it. Let me see your calls and texts from last night.”
He blinked, clearly taken aback. “What?”
“Show me everything you did last night and this morning. Everyone you called, emailed, texted. Let’s see it.”
“Why?”
“You just said I could.”
“I was making a point.”
“Do you have something to hide?”
Neither of us spoke for a moment. He did not open his phone.
“Did you hear Grayson was arrested?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“I heard you stopped them before they left and asked where they were going.”
He was silent.
“And then the cops showed up. Is that a coincidence?”
He looked away from me. For all of Julian’s talents, lying was not one of them.
“And I’m the one who can’t be trusted? What did you do, Julian? Why are your parents here? Did you have something to do with us being kicked out of the hostel? Why are you so against Grayson going after MDG?”
He shushed me, casting a glance over his shoulder at the recruits loitering on the sidewalk a few yards away. None of them were watching us.
He stepped back, jerking his chin to indicate I should follow him. He walked around the corner and into the alley. I went slowly, part of me reluctant to leave the safety of the street.
He moved close to me as soon as I rounded the corner, so near our chests were nearly touching. “It’s complicated,” he said quietly.
“You did it, then? You called the cops on Grayson?”
“I did it for his own good. These MDG guys have no qualms about killing him if he gets in their way. I saved him.”
“How do you know what MDG was going to do?”
“Like I said, it’s complicated.”
“How is it complicated?”
“I know some things because of my dad’s association with MDG.”
My brain started buzzing. “Your dad is part of MDG? Did you know that the team was walking into a trap yesterday? Is that why you pulled me out?”
He said nothing.
“Julian, they could have been killed. Mia was killed,” I whispered, horrified.
“Clara, listen,” he said in a rush, putting a hand on my neck. “Grayson doesn’t fully understand what MDG is doing. He doesn’t get the scope of it. We want to be on their side.” His eyes burned into mine. “Trust me.”
I jerked away. “What does that mean? Why would you betray your best friend like that?”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. I didn’t betray him.”
“You betrayed the whole team. You let them walk straight into MDG’s trained scrabs. What is MDG doing that made you feel OK about that?”
He grabbed my arm, his fingers tight around my wrist. “Why don’t you calm down first? Then we can talk about it.”
I tried to twist out of his grasp, but he held firm.
“Julian, let go.” My heart pounded in my ears.
Danger, danger, danger.
“Would you just listen to me for a second?” His voice was raised, full of frustration. “You’re getting hysterical without even listening to me.”
“Let go of me!” I’d meant to yell, but it came out hoarse and pathetic. A choked sob escaped my lips as I finally wrenched my arm free. His fingernails scratched my skin. I barely felt it.
I took a few hurried, clumsy steps until I was around the corner and back onto the safety of the street. Julian immediately blocked my path. He reached for me again. He put a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“Move,” I said shakily, trying to sidestep him. “Don’t touch me.”
“Clara, would you stop being ridicu—”
An arm shot between us, muscling Julian out of the way. Madison. She fixed Julian with a hard stare.
“She said, don’t touch her,” she said slowly.
Julian took a step back, rolling his eyes. He actually looked amused.
He lifted his hands in surrender. “Can we stop it with the dramatics?”
Madison made a noise between a laugh and a scream, like she’d heard this before.
“Just go, Julian.”
“Fine.” He peered past her, his expression soft when it landed on me. “Call me when you calm down OK? I’m not mad.”
“Wonderful. Thanks for letting us know. We were all so concerned,” Madison said. Her arm was still stretched out in front of me.
Julian shot Madison a withering look and then strode quickly away. I watched him go.
Madison finally dropped her arm and turned to face me. My heart was beating too fast, tears clouding my vision.
“Are you all right?” she asked. “What was that about?”
I drew in a ragged breath. I needed to tell her about Julian calling the cops on Grayson, and that he apparently had information about MDG, but the words wouldn’t come out. My whole relationship with Julian had been upended in a matter of minutes, and I couldn’t make my brain or my mouth work.
My gaze snagged on my arm, on three shallow scratches where Julian’s fingernails had left a mark. I pressed my own fingertips to the edge of each one. A hysterical laugh escaped my lips.
“Do you want to go inside? Find a bathroom? I like to have my panic attacks in bathrooms,” Madison said.
That struck me as wildly funny. I laughed until tears streaked down my cheeks. If Madison was alarmed by this, she didn’t show it. She just watched me, head cocked to one side.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I’m just . . .” I took in a deep breath, trying to calm down. It didn’t work. I made a strangled noise that was kind of like a scream.
“Are we yelling now? Oh, I can get behind that.” She balled both her hands into fists and let out a truly impressive scream.
I laughed, wiping a hand across my wet eyes. I screamed.
A passing man jumped, startled, and gave us a disapproving look.
“Fuck you, keep walking,” Madison said, pointing at him. “We’re having a bad day.”
He grumbled something and hurried down the sidewalk.
I wiped my cheeks again as I leaned back against the wall. I was crying harder than I’d realized. My brain couldn’t fully process what had just happened, so apparently all my emotions were going to leak out my eyes instead.
“Thank you,” I said with a sniff. I opened my mouth to apologize, to say I was stupid for not listening to her about Julian, but my gaze caught on someone behind her. She turned.
Edan had just emerged from the hostel, a tissue pressed to his nose. His worried expression deepened when he caught sight of us.
“I should tell you guys something about Julian,” I said.
38
The staff at the hostel called the police to get the lingering recruits out of the lobby. The remaining team leaders stood in the street and argued about where to go until Madison announced that she’d convinced the owner of the gym to let us stay there for the night. A few of the team leaders looked a little taken aback that she’d solved the problem so easily. I didn’t think people expected much of Madison.
We followed her down the street and into the gym. Everyone immediately broke into groups, staking out sections for themselves. Team seven huddled in the corner of the main room, and I relayed what had happened with Julian.
Well, I relayed the part about how he’d called the cops on Grayson. And about how his parents were working with MDG, and it seemed that Julian was now too.
I had to sit on my hands because they were shaking. I understood that the important thing here was that Julian was working with MDG, and that he’d let his team march straight into a dangerous trap yesterday.
But my brain was stupidly screaming about everything but Julian’s MDG ties. I was thinking about eating macarons with him outside the training complex in Paris. About kissing him in the train station after he told me that he wouldn’t leave me.
About how I’d ignored his temper, and his jealousy, because I liked how I felt when I was with him.
“Why would he do that?” Patrick asked. I focused on him and tried to look like I wasn’t screaming on the inside. “Was he with MDG this whole time, or did he recently switch over? Does it have something to do with his parents coming into town?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“His parents just got here a couple days ago,” Madison said. “It doesn’t seem likely that Julian changed his mind since then. He must have known something all along.”
She was right. My throat closed, and I just shrugged.
“He didn’t explain exactly why he’s helping them?” Priya asked.
“N-no, we didn’t get a chance to . . .” I took a deep breath. “We didn’t get into that.”
“Are you guys seeing Twitter today?” Noah asked, swiping at his phone. “Some of the recruits have spilled the beans about MDG’s trained scrabs.”
“What’s the reaction?” Madison asked.
“Mixed. Some people are freaking out. Most don’t seem to believe it, though.”
Patrick turned back to me. “Julian said that Grayson didn’t understand the scope of what MDG is doing. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why wouldn’t you ask?” Gage demanded. “That would have been helpful information.”
“Gage,” Edan said sharply. Several members of the team regarded Edan with surprise. “Lay off.”
“I’m just saying,” Gage said, but his tone softened a little. “And why did Julian punch you?”
Edan’s eyes darted to mine. “He’s always hated me.”
“He was jealous,” I said quietly. “He thought Edan and I had something going on.”
“Do you?” Zoe asked.
“No,” Edan said at the same time Madison snapped, “Irrelevant.”
Madison’s phone rang. “I’ll be back. I think this is about Grayson.” She stood and walked across the gym, weaving through recruits sprawled out on the floor.
The lump in my throat grew bigger. Gage was right. I should have asked Julian more questions. I should have put the teams first. Instead I’d gotten hysterical and focused on our relationship. If I’d kept calm for a few minutes, I could have gotten information out of him. Helpful information.
Tears threatened to spill over again, and I quickly got to my feet. The back door was propped open, so I escaped through it and down the narrow alleyway. It was empty, save for two guys smoking near the street.
I crouched down, running both hands into my hair. I had taken stupid to new levels. I’d looked stupid in the face, laughed, and run right past it.
I’d had an easy way to pump Julian for information, and I’d blown it.
Madison had warned me about Julian, and I hadn’t listened.
My entire life I’d said I’d never be like Mom, and here I was. Just like her. I’d made excuses for Julian, just like Mom. I’d said that I knew the real Julian, just like Mom had always claimed with Dad. The anger, the temper, that wasn’t the real Julian.
Footsteps drew close to me and stopped. I glanced up. Edan stared down at me, his expression tight and unreadable.
I sat on the concrete, even though it was dirty and gross. I was too exhausted to care. Edan lowered down beside me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “That he hit you.”
“That is in no way your fault.”
“He was reading my text messages. That’s why he was so mad today. Because he saw what we said last night.”
“That is deeply screwed up.”
“Yes.” And yet I felt like I should have expected it. “Thank you. For what you said last night. I did need to hear it.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier. I meant to. I wanted to. When we were at the farm, I kept thinking I should say, Hey, Julian is a real ass, and his temper scares me.”
“I’d seen his temper,” I said. “I’m responsible for my own choices.”
“That’s . . . yeah, that’s a really good point,” he said with a soft laugh. I managed a small smile. “But, still, I’m sorry. I wanted to be honest with you, but we’d just become friends, and I didn’t want to screw it up.”
“It probably wouldn’t have changed anything,” I said. “I was determined to be as stupid as possible. Still am, apparently. Gage is right. I should have asked Julian more questions. I was so mad about him selling you guys out, and then he grabbed me, and I panicked.”
Edan turned to me quickly. “He grabbed you?”
“It wasn’t a big deal, I just didn’t handle it well because . . . well, you know.”
His pointed to the scratches on my arm. “Did he do that? I think it’s a big deal.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out. I had a text from Julian.
Will you please come to my hotel so we can talk? Or I’ll meet you somewhere. Please, Clara. Let me explain.
A second message popped up.
I didn’t mean to scare you today. I’m so sorry.
“Julian’s apologizing,” I said softly. “He says he wants to explain.”
“Explain what? That he’s an asshole? We got it, thanks.”
I’m so sorry. I stared at the words. He always apologized after yelling. He would apologize and make an excuse—sorry, I’m stressed; sorry, I’m on edge; sorry, I’m just trying to keep you safe. You weren’t actually sorry if you kept doing the exact thing you claimed to feel bad about. I knew that better than anyone.
And yet part of me wanted to believe it. I almost wanted to march over there and hear him out and find that version of Julian I’d met on the floor of a hotel ballroom in Atlanta. At least then I’d find out why he suddenly decided to betray his best friend and join MDG.
“Wait.” I sat up straight as a thought occurred to me. “I should let him explain.”
“What?” Edan looked alarmed. “Clara, no, that guy is—”
“No, no, not like actually—” I cut myself off as I jumped to my feet. “Come on.”
I rushed back inside. Team seven was still in the same spot, Madison plopping down next to Priya. I hurried to them, Edan on my heels.
“I have an idea,” I said. “Julian just texted me asking me to come over. Let me go and try to get some answers about MDG.”
“Just to get answers about MDG?” Madison asked, her brow creased with worry. It was an expression shared by several other members of the team.
“Yes, just to get answers,” I said, exasperated. “I’m not an idiot. I mean, I am an idiot, I’m a total moron, but—”
“You are not a moron,” Edan said.
“Whatever. My point is, I’m not going over there to reconcile with Julian. I’ll just let him think that, and maybe I can find out some stuff.”
“Like what stuff?” Priya asked. “Do we need answers that badly?”
“They’re capturing and training scrabs for a completely unknown purpose,” Noah said, looking up from his phone. “And shipping them to that Dust Storm facility, which we still don’t know anything about. Maybe they already sent them there. Plus I don’t know about you guys, but that thing Grayson told us about other countries also training scrabs is giving me anxiety. Why did Julian jump over to their side so quickly? What does it mean that we don’t know the scope of what MDG is doing? And—” He cut himself off abruptly and took a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m calm. I’m fine.” Madison patted his arm.
“It couldn’t hurt for me to try to find out more information,” I said. “If only to help Noah’s anxiety.” I tried for a lighthearted tone, but I was pretty sure everyone could hear how much I wanted to do this. It was the only thing I could do. I would lose my mind if I had to sit here and dissect every moment of my relationship with Julian.
“I have medication to help my anxiety, but I appreciate the offer,” Noah said.
“Just let me go back to Julian and apologize and say that I was wrong,” I said. “Maybe I can find something out.”
“Why would he tell you anything?” Priya asked. “He’s going to be suspicious if you suddenly start asking lots of questions.”
“I can be subtle about it. And he just texted me.” I turned the phone so they could see. “Look. He’s sorry. I know exactly how to handle a guy when he’s pretending he’s sorry.”
Edan’s eyes met mine. His expression was pained.
“You know I’m right,” I said.
“Why does he know you’re ri—” Patrick abruptly stopped talking as Laila elbowed him and Priya shot him a look.
My suspicions about them figuring it out had been correct. Girls always knew things.
“My dad was always sorry after beating the shit out of us,” I said, working hard to keep my voice steady. “I can handle myself, I promise.”
Patrick blanched. Several pairs of eyes dropped to the ground.
“It’s your decision,” Madison said softly.
I looked down at the phone in my hand. “Does someone have a phone I can borrow? I want to call my brother, but Julian’s been tracking everything I do on this phone.”
Madison held her phone out to me. “You can use mine. It’s probably best I have his number in case something happens, actually.”
