All These Monsters, page 17
The door banged closed behind me, and he looked up with a start. His eyes were red, and he quickly wiped his hand across them.
I hesitated, taking a step back. Was it kinder to pretend I hadn’t noticed him crying and just leave? Or should I stay?
“I bought croissants.” He gestured to the bags. “If you want one.”
I started across the cafeteria. If he wanted me to leave, he wouldn’t have offered me food.
“Everything OK?” I asked, even though I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t know what else to say. I barely knew Grayson.
He leaned his head back against the wall and let out a long sigh. “I bought croissants to apologize for getting everyone’s friends killed. I’m the worst.”
I sat down next to him, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. “We knew what we signed up for. You didn’t sugarcoat it.”
“I know, but . . . it could have gone better. To put it mildly.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “But you did this to save people, right? The civilian casualties were much smaller than usual. The news reports mentioned that too.”
“Yeah, they were. It was mostly my people who died.”
“And we signed up for that.”
“I know. It’s just . . .” He looked at his phone, on the ground beside him. “I have so many calls to make today. I want to call all the families personally, and I don’t know what to say. We came up with a script months ago, and now it seems like not enough. Not nearly enough.”
“Some of them might be grateful you cared enough to call yourself.” Certainly not all. My dad would just scream and tell Grayson he was an idiot. I was glad that I’d only put down Laurence’s number as my emergency contact.
I touched the phone in my pocket. Maybe I should text him. I hadn’t contacted Laurence since I left him a message when I was in Atlanta.
“Do you regret it?” I asked, after a long silence. “Doing this?”
“No,” he said immediately. “I believe in what we’re doing. I just wonder how long people are going to stay with me if this keeps happening.”
“Well, I’m not leaving,” I said. “If that makes you feel better.”
He smiled. “It does, actually.”
“You know, when we were sitting there yesterday, after, no one was talking about quitting,” I said. He turned to me. “We were talking about what we could do differently. How we could improve and work well as a team. For some of us—like me—this is the first thing we really chose to do on our own. The first thing that I could maybe be good at. I don’t want to quit just because things are hard. And I think most of my team feels the same way.”
“You are good at this. Your whole team is.”
“We try. And I didn’t even get shot by a fellow team member this time! That’s improvement, right?”
He laughed. The cafeteria door opened, and Julian walked in, his eyebrows shooting up as he found us. Maybe he was surprised to find Grayson laughing.
“Hey,” he said, walking to us. His gaze held mine for a few extra seconds. “What’s going on?”
“Clara was making me feel better.” Grayson got to his feet and offered me his hand.
“Yeah?” Julian regarded me curiously, then looked down at where Grayson was still holding my hand. He squeezed it gently before letting it go. “How is my girlfriend making you feel better?”
I looked at Julian quickly. I didn’t know what to respond to first—the fact that he’d called me his girlfriend, or that his words seemed angry, even if he’d said them calmly.
Grayson rolled his eyes, punching Julian on the shoulder as he walked past him. “If you’d stayed gone just a couple minutes longer, I could have stolen her away for sure.”
It was a joke, and one side of Julian’s mouth lifted, but I still caught a flash of anger. I wondered if they’d fought over a girl before.
I guessed that meant that Julian had told Grayson about our relationship, and it was fine. I should have been relieved, but I felt off kilter instead, like I’d missed something important. Maybe I should have asked Julian to talk to Grayson together.
“I need to go talk to Jayden,” Grayson said, swiping at his phone screen. “Clara, have a croissant. And tell other people to help themselves when they come in. Julian, come find me after you eat? We need to discuss your team’s next assignment.” He shot me a smile before walking away.
“He seems to be in a better mood.” Julian watched as Grayson left the cafeteria.
“You know I would never . . .” I didn’t finish the sentence. I felt a flash of annoyance that I had to say it at all. He really thought I was interested in Grayson?
“Oh no, I know,” Julian said quickly. “I was just giving Grayson a hard time. I talked to him, by the way. Obviously. He’s cool.”
“He wasn’t mad about us breaking the rules?”
“Nah, those rules were just to keep the creepers at bay.”
He took a step closer to me. His fingers brushed my wrist, and then the back of my palm, and then he intertwined our fingers together. I sucked in a tiny breath.
“You called me your girlfriend,” I said quietly.
“I did. Is that OK?”
I tried not to smile too widely. “Yes.”
The cafeteria door opened again, and the Australian teams that had been doing yoga burst inside. They were followed by Madison, whose gaze immediately went to our intertwined fingers.
“I need to tell them to put out breakfast,” Julian said. He let his fingers drop from mine very slowly, his fingertips lingering on mine for an extra second, like he didn’t want to let go quite yet.
“I’ll put out the croissants,” I said. Madison was still staring at me with a sour expression on her face. I pretended not to notice.
I grabbed the paper bags and pulled out the boxes of croissants, opening one and leaving the rest stacked on the table. I snagged one for myself and moved out of the way as more people trickled into the cafeteria.
The chefs wheeled in steaming pans of eggs and potatoes, and I filled my plate and joined a few members of team seven who had wandered in. Priya and Archer sat side by side, Zoe across from them. Madison sat with one of the Kenyan teams, her hand resting on the back of one of the guys. He leaned down and stole a quick kiss.
I tried to hide my smile. If she was involved with someone else, maybe she’d stop hating me over Julian.
“Is Madison dating that guy?” Zoe asked as I slid into the seat next to her.
Priya leaned over to see. “Looks like it. She has good taste.”
Archer peered up at Priya. He cocked his head, a smile playing on his lips.
“I was just stating a fact.” Priya bumped her shoulder against his. Archer’s smile widened as he ducked his head into his chest.
Patrick slid into the seat next to me. “Good morning.”
“Dammit, Edan!” Gage’s voice rang across the cafeteria. Archer laughed, choking on his eggs.
I turned to see Gage pulling a boot out of the brown paper bags I’d discarded in the corner. He was wearing the other boot, and he hopped on one foot as he tried to put it on.
“I have no idea why your boot is there, Gage,” Edan called innocently from the food line. Gage flipped him off.
“Why does Edan keep taking Gage’s stuff?” Zoe asked.
“Because Gage is a dick and it makes the rest of us laugh,” Patrick said.
“Plus he thinks it’s funny to punch Edan in the face with nearly full strength during practice,” Noah said as he sat down next to Priya. “Julian hasn’t put a stop to it, so I think this is Edan’s revenge.”
“Edan could just punch him back,” Zoe said.
“I don’t think that’s his style,” Noah said. It certainly wasn’t. Edan barely threw any punches at all, and when he did, they were weak. I couldn’t imagine him fighting with Gage. I’d been with Priya the last few days, and I hadn’t noticed Edan and Gage paired together.
I polished off my breakfast as the team leader at the door called for us to wrap it up. I grabbed my tray and dropped it in the bucket near the kitchen.
Julian had instructed us to meet him in the big gym today, and I followed Zoe and Archer that way. Edan, Patrick, and Noah trailed behind me. Patrick smiled at something Edan said. It didn’t seem like there were any hard feelings about the attempted robbery.
Zoe and Archer stopped suddenly outside the gym door.
“That’s bullshit, Grayson.” It was Julian’s angry voice. I took a step forward and stopped when Grayson and Julian came into view. Grayson was holding the door open just a bit, giving us a glimpse inside the gym. It was empty except for them.
“We need people out there, and I think your team is a good choice,” Grayson said.
“Nests can have hundreds of scrabs,” Julian said. “We’re not equipped to handle that.”
“Of course you are. Your team came out of yesterday with zero casualties. And three of your members are cleared to use guns and explosives.”
“Most of our teams are weak, Grayson, including mine. Look at what happened yesterday. We need to take a few days. Rethink things. They’re going to get massacred out there.”
“Things will be less intense in the country. And I personally think our teams did a hell of a job at that battle.” Grayson clapped Julian on the shoulder. “I’m not sending you guys alone. Have a little faith.”
Julian said nothing in reply. Grayson pushed the door the rest of the way open, caught us all standing there, and winced.
“Sorry, guys, you shouldn’t have heard that. Julian’s wrong. You’re all doing great work, and you’re prepared for this.” His eyes caught mine for a moment, and he gave me a small smile before turning to walk away.
We trailed into the gym. Julian was typing furiously into his phone. He looked up at us and sighed. “We’re being sent outside the city to hunt nests. The scrabs make temporary nests for sleeping and reproducing. You learned about it in session, right? They move constantly, but if we can find them, it will be a big help. It’s not such a bad assignment.”
His anger at Grayson directly contradicted that statement. We all stared at him.
“Outside the city where?” Zoe asked.
“Some small towns around Paris. Just a few hours away. But we will need to leave the complex. You guys are leaving this afternoon, and I’ll follow tomorrow morning. Pack your bags.”
23
I walked down the stairs late that afternoon, my back-pack and weapons pack slung over my shoulder. I pushed open the door to the lobby to find Madison standing in the middle of it, alone.
The door slammed shut behind me, and I winced. I’d been hoping to sneak through without her noticing me. But she turned and immediately spotted me. I offered a weak smile and made a beeline for the front door.
“Clara,” she called.
I stopped and slowly faced her. “Yeah?”
She closed the distance between us, her boots squeaking on the tile floor. She was dressed in the same uniform as me, but she’d tied her shirt at the bottom so that it pulled tight across her stomach. Her blue eyes looked extra bright in the late afternoon sun streaming in from behind me. I wished I’d spent a little more time on my makeup.
“Listen,” she said with a sigh like she was annoyed that she had to speak to me. “It’s about Julian.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the hole in the ground where a scrab had shot up a couple weeks ago. I wished another one would pop up right now. I would take a scrab over this conversation any day.
“What about Julian?” It came out more annoyed than I’d intended. I’d been trying not to sound nervous.
“You guys are, like, together?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“OK, I just think you should know that he can be kind of intense in relationships.” Her words were clipped, almost angry.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He falls pretty hard. If this is your first relationship, I think you should be careful.”
“I’ve dated guys before,” I said defensively, even though that was barely true. I’d dated two guys, one for a few weeks, the other for two months. I wasn’t sure either qualified as a relationship. They hadn’t been anything like what I had with Julian.
“Whatever,” she said with a hand wave. “He just gets jealous, from what I’ve seen.”
“He gets jealous?” The words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them.
She raised one eyebrow with even more hostility than usual. “What is that supposed to mean?”
My pulse pounded in my ears. I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. “I just think that maybe it’s been hard for you to see the two of us together,” I said slowly.
“Please,” she said, too forcefully. I looked at her skeptically, and she flushed. “Whatever, I’m just saying that I know Julian better than you do.”
I waited for more, but apparently she simply wanted to remind me that she and Julian knew each other well. “Uh, OK?” I meant to sound annoyed this time.
“You know what? Never mind.” She took a step back. “I was just going to warn you that Julian can be a raging jerk on occasion, but you can figure that one out for yourself.” She stomped away, throwing the door open with too much force.
I waited several seconds before following her out the door. Raging jerk. That seemed sort of unfair, especially given how she treated Julian. If she’d acted the same way in a relationship, I honestly couldn’t blame him for snapping back.
And I could totally believe that he got jealous occasionally, especially after what I’d seen with Grayson in the cafeteria. But who didn’t get a little jealous at times? I was jealous of Madison’s previous relationship with Julian. Now I wished I’d been nice to Madison long enough to find out what had happened between them.
I found team seven on the curb, minus Madison, who had thankfully disappeared.
Grayson stood in front of a black SUV, keys in hand. “Do any of you know how to drive a standard?”
“Yeah, I do,” Patrick said.
Grayson tossed him the keys. “Six of you can go with Patrick. There will be a van along in a few minutes for everyone else. And drop your bags over there. They’ll arrive right after you.” He pointed to a couple French team leaders piling luggage into a van.
I dropped my backpack off, keeping my small weapons pack with me since we’d been instructed to always have it nearby. It had the sword baton, a small machete, and a first aid kit in it.
I climbed into the last row of the SUV. Priya and Archer joined me in the back, and Laila and Noah took the first row. Noah immediately pulled out his laptop and began editing video. Edan was in the passenger’s seat next to Patrick.
“What is that?” Laila asked, pointing to the box at Noah’s feet.
“Our body cameras.” Noah nudged it with his foot. “I put them on my list and someone got six for us. I’m going to see if I can get a few volunteers to wear some starting tomorrow. They’re really small.”
“I’ll wear one,” Laila said.
Grayson handed Patrick a map through the window. “I marked it on the map. It’s not hard to find the campsite. You’re just going to go straight on this road for a while.” He pointed to the map, and Patrick nodded. He handed the map to Edan, who immediately handed it back to Noah.
“I can’t look at it while the car is moving,” Edan explained.
“See you guys soon,” Grayson said. Patrick shifted the car into gear.
“Wait!” Priya said. She was typing furiously on her phone. “I need the Wi-Fi for just, like, ten more seconds. I’m running out of data, and my mom is freaking out after yesterday. She keeps checking to see if I’m still alive.” She typed a few more words and pressed Send. “OK, I’m good.”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket as the SUV started moving. I never texted Laurence. Was he worried I was dead? Grayson hadn’t released all the names of the deceased recruits yet, and the massacre was all over the news.
I tapped the messages icon and punched in Laurence’s number. I’d memorized it after Mom gave it to me, but I hadn’t used it yet.
I typed out a message.
Hey, it’s Clara. I’m fine. Not dead yet.
Knowing Laurence, he hadn’t read the news in days and was totally clueless anyway.
A reply popped up almost immediately.
Thanks for letting me know.
A few seconds went by before the next message popped up.
Is this your new phone number?
I typed a response.
It’s sort of a shared phone, but you can reach me here. Do me a favor and don’t give the number to Mom or Dad.
Sure.
A brief pause again before his next message.
Maybe text sooner next time. I was freaking out a little over here. That Noah kid hasn’t even uploaded a video yet.
My eyebrows shot up. I couldn’t imagine Laurence freaking out. It probably wasn’t a visible emotion from the outside. I was surprised he’d admitted to it at all.
A hint of a smile crossed my face.
You watch Noah’s videos?
Yes. He’s not dead, is he?
No. He’s working on it now. I’ll text you sooner next time.
Thank you.
“What are you smiling about?” Priya asked, glancing at my screen. “Is that Julian? Are you guys really a thing?” Both Laila and Noah turned to look at me.
“No,” I said, slipping the phone back in my pocket. “I mean, no, it’s not Julian. But yes, we are a thing.”
Noah widened his eyes slightly, like he didn’t like the news of me dating Julian. Priya clearly expected more. I guessed she wanted to know who I was texting, if not Julian.
“It was my brother,” I said.
“You have a brother?” Patrick asked.
“I thought you were an orphan,” Noah said. “Or in foster care or whatever.”
“What? No. Why did you think that?” I frowned in confusion, and realized that everyone in the SUV, except for Patrick, was looking at me. Even Edan had twisted around in his seat, his face curious.
“Because you’ve literally never said a single thing about your family,” Priya said. “I asked you once if you missed your parents, and you looked at me like I’d grown a second head.”
