Come Back Tomorrow, page 13
As I get closer, I can hear voices, so I stop just before the doorway and listen. The conversation is awkward, and I realize Will’s talking to Jason, and it sounds like he just arrived.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“I seriously doubt that. How long have you been here?”
“Four weeks.”
“Jesus, Will. How bad is it?”
“Bad enough, I guess. I came here with a blood infection, and I just can’t shake it. My doctor told me this morning that they’re going to keep me for another two weeks of antibiotics.”
“Damn. Not that that’s not enough, but is that all? Have any of your other symptoms come back?”
“Um, pretty much all of them have. And most are worse than before.”
“Fuck! This damn disease just doesn’t quit, does it?”
“No, cancer plays to win,” Will answers sarcastically.
They’re both silent for a minute.
“You lied to me.”
“Yes.”
“Why the hell would you lie to me? You know I came this close to calling your parents, right?”
“Jesus, Jay—”
“Well, what choice did you leave me? I didn’t know where the fuck you were, if you were okay . . . Did you really expect me to believe you’d go back there?”
“Well, I figured if you didn’t believe it, you’d get the message that I wanted to be alone.”
“Oh, I got the message. And I did leave you alone for a few weeks. But did you really intend for that to be goodbye?”
The silence is tense—and deafening—even out in the hallway.
“Well, did you?”
After a moment or two of quiet, I hear an exasperated sigh.
“Where’s Sebastian?”
“With Tori.”
“How do you know her anyway? I don’t remember you ever mentioning her before.”
“I didn’t know her before. I met her while I’ve been here at the hospital.”
“Seriously? So how come she gets to help you, and no one else does?”
“She doesn’t get to, really. Other than Sebastian, I haven’t needed anything.”
“She gets to visit you, which is more than I’m allowed, apparently. Why is that?”
“Jason, I really don’t think—”
“Well, I do. I wanna know why this girl you just met gets to spend more time with you than the friends you’ve had for years.”
“That’s exactly why she gets to be with me! Because she didn’t know me before!”
“What the—”
“The pity, Jason! She doesn’t look at me the way you do—the way all our friends do—because she doesn’t know what I was like before! She doesn’t know everything I’ve lost and how it’s all changed, so she can’t look at me that way. I couldn’t take it anymore! I couldn’t go through it for the third fucking time—the quiet conversations behind my back, the silence when I walk into a room, and, oh yeah, the people who are all supportive and volunteer to help, but then when things get tough, they vanish.”
My heart starts to hammer against my chest. His words are so raw and painful and honest. God, what was he like before? What did this disease and his situation take away?
“Will—”
“I don’t blame them, Jason. It’s not their problem; it’s mine. And I’m tired of burdening everyone else with my problems.”
“You were never a burden to me.”
Will laughs coldly. “Oh, yes, I most certainly was a burden to you.”
“Why the hell would you think that? I’ve never said anything—”
“Yes, you did. I don’t think you even remember, but I do.”
“When?”
“The day I found out I relapsed again.”
“When we were drunk? Jesus Christ, Will! I was completely wasted and so upset and worried about you! I have no idea what I said that night!”
“You told the truth! That happens when you’re drunk! And the truth was that you couldn’t go through this again. So that day, I decided I wouldn’t ask you to.”
“I may have said I couldn’t go through it again, but that’s because I was angry and in shock, just like you were! Hell, I’m pretty sure I said you couldn’t go through it again either.”
“Yes, but that’s the difference! I have to go through it again. You don’t.”
“So that was it, then. That day you made the decision to do this on your own and not let anyone near you.”
“Yes.”
“Will, you are a selfish bastard.”
I gasp and clap my hand over my mouth. Damn.
“What?”
“What about my feelings? Friendship is a two-way street, and you took away my choice in this. Again! Jesus Christ, after all we’ve been through, don’t I deserve better than this? Shouldn’t I get to choose if I get to see you before you die? Shouldn’t I get the chance to offer to help you before you turn me down? Goddammit, Will, I’m so fucking pissed at you right now!”
“You’re pissed? You’re pissed? Well, you’re not the one who’s dying, jackass! I don’t have a lot of choices left to make, but I can choose to spare the people I love from going through this shit with me!”
“And exactly who is going to help you get through this shit? Because in case you didn’t know, that’s what friends and family are for! To help you get through shit!”
The room is silent for several minutes except for the sound of heavy breathing.
Jason sighs. “Will, I don’t want to upset you like this. I care about you, and I want to be here for you if you’ll let me. Can I come see you? Just sit and talk? It’s got to be pretty boring here alone all day.”
“You’ve done enough, Jay. You’ve done more for me than anyone, and I don’t want to cause you any more pain. It’s hard enough to go through this myself without having to worry about—”
“Then don’t. Don’t worry about me and my feelings. I’m a big boy; I can take care of myself. You worry about beating this infection and getting stronger so you can get out of here.”
“I don’t know if that’s going to happen,” Will says quietly. “Things seem to be going downhill pretty rapidly. I don’t think I’ll be able to be on my own anymore.”
I suspected as much, but I didn’t think Will had really thought about it yet. I guess he has.
“It’s been a month since I was up and around, and I’m so damn tired all the time.”
“We’ll figure something out. You get better first, and then we’ll worry about the next step.”
“I’m glad you came. And that you didn’t give up on me. It means a lot to me—more than I thought it would. And I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m just . . . this is . . . hard.”
“I know it is. That’s exactly why I don’t want you to have to do it alone. Will you let me come see you? Please?”
Will sighs heavily. “I don’t know, Jay. I don’t think I can—”
“You say I’ve done enough. Well then, it’s time you did something for me. And this is what I want you to do—I want you to let me come and sit with you. After all we’ve been through together, I think you owe me that much.”
There’s silence for a moment, and I hold my breath, waiting to see if Will gives in.
“Goddammit, Jay, you don’t play fair.” I hear Will grumbling, and I can’t help but smile.
“I’ll come by as often as I can, okay?” Jason says, and I can hear the happiness in his voice. “Is there a time of day that’s good?”
“How about late morning? I usually rest after lunch, and Tori comes by at four every day, so my afternoon schedule is kinda busy.”
Jason chuckles. “Sure, I can do that. Speaking of rest, you look like you could use some right now. Getting your ass handed to you by Jason Marks would wear anyone out.”
I don’t hear the rest of the conversation because I realize Jason is about to leave the room, and I don’t want them to know I was eavesdropping. As I dash down the hall to the nurses’ station, Jenny raises an eyebrow.
“Talk to me, and act like we’ve been talking for a few minutes,” I tell her hurriedly.
She looks confused, but when she sees Jason walk out of Will’s room, she jumps into the middle of a story about one of her patients.
I nod in all the right places as Jenny prattles on, and when I look up, Jason is staring at me as he approaches.
“Hi, Jason. I was just on my way down to see Will. Did you get to talk to him?”
“Yes, I did. Do you have a moment?”
“Of course.” Jenny furrows her eyebrows at me, and I silence her with my eyes.
I follow Jason to the end of the hallway where he leans against the wall. “Thank you again for telling me where Will was. I’m sorry I was rude.”
“It’s all right. I know you were angry with Will, not me, and I know you care about him.”
“Yes, I do,” he says, and the intensity in his eyes is almost overwhelming. “How is he doing—really? He told me he can’t shake this infection, but . . . he seems so much weaker and more tired than the last time I saw him. And it’s worse than the last time he relapsed too.”
I stare into Jason’s concerned eyes and decide I trust him. He didn’t abandon Will; Will lied to him to push him away. Jason needs to know what’s going on, and I know from my eavesdropping that Will downplayed his condition.
“He’s been really up and down over the last three weeks. His belly filled with so much fluid that he couldn’t breathe, so they had to drain it. He’s feverish more days than he’s not, and last week, he had intense joint pain followed by a high fever that put him out of commission for most of the week. They’ve had to give him morphine a few times for pain, and he’s tired all the time. I don’t know how he handles it all as well as he does.”
“Damn.” Jason swears, swiping at his eyes. “Is there really nothing else they can do for him?”
“That’s what he told me. He doesn’t talk much about his illness though. He keeps the details very close.”
“Yeah, that sounds like Will. Has anyone been here with him?”
“No. Other than me, you’re the first visitor he’s had. He’s decided he doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone else.”
Jason groans in frustration. “Dammit, he’s such a stubborn ass! What about him? Who’s gonna help him get through this?”
“Well, I am. And now you can too. He needs to let people take care of him now, but we won’t be able to convince him of that. He needs to figure it out for himself.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ve been through this before,” I tell him simply. “I think he’ll figure it out. He’s in denial now, but at some point, it’s all going to fall apart, and we need to be here to help him when it does.”
“You really do care about him, don’t you?” Jason asks, his eyes searching mine.
“Yes. I’ve been here every day for almost a month now.”
Jason looks down for a moment, chewing on his lip. “I’m glad. Thank you for taking care of him. It sounds like he really needed someone, but he was too stubborn to admit it.”
“You don’t need to thank me. Will’s . . . very special. I’m glad I’ve been able to get to know him.”
Jason smiles. “Yes, he certainly is. I’ll see you around, Tori. I’m going to start coming to sit with him in the mornings to keep him company.”
“That’s great. I’m so happy the two of you were able to talk things out. And I’m glad he’s willing to let you support him.”
Jason nods and starts to walk away.
“Oh, Jason? Do you want to give me your phone number? If something . . . happens, I can call you.”
He turns back and ducks his head. “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea. Can I have yours too?”
“Of course,” I tell him as we both pull out our phones and enter each other’s numbers.
“I’ll see you soon,” I say as he finally heads for the elevators.
Walking back up the hallway, I find Jenny leaning over the nurses’ station, watching Jason as he walks away. “Who was that?”
“That was Jason. He’s a friend of Will’s who I met last night when I went to Will’s apartment. I think you’ll be seeing him around more.”
“Well, he’s welcome on my floor any time,” she says, winking at me.
I chuckle as I turn to head for Will’s room. “Oh, and he’s an artist, just like Will,” I call over my shoulder as I walk, and the loud and lustful groan that echoes behind me makes me laugh out loud.
Will’s eyes are closed when I enter his room, and I stop for a moment to look at him. What Jason said about Will seeming weaker and more tired has stuck with me—can I see a difference in the few weeks I’ve known him? As I look him over, I’m forced to admit that I can.
The circles under his eyes are definitely darker, and I’m pretty sure he’s gotten thinner. And he does seem to be more tired. Ever since he had that high fever, he’s been sleeping a lot more, and I can see that having to cope with all this is wearing on him.
He’s still beautiful though. He’s so peaceful in sleep. All the lines of pain disappear from his face, and his lips gather into a little pout—just as they are right now. Warmth spreads through me as I watch him. I want to brush back the hair from his forehead and run my hand over the soft, reddish stubble on his jaw. I want to protect him from all the bad things, and I want the peace to stay with him when he wakes, but . . . it never does.
The mothering instinct in me says I should leave and let Will sleep, but I know he’ll be pissed as hell if I don’t wake him. And he’s certainly had a rough enough ride today that I’m not going to contribute to it by letting him down.
I walk over and take his hand, holding it between both of mine and rubbing my palm gently over the back. “Will,” I call softly.
He pulls in a deep breath and looks at me in confusion, squeezing his eyes shut as he shifts and winces. He opens them again, and a smile spreads across his face. “Tori. I must have dozed off while I was waiting for you. You’re late,” he says pointedly, fixing me with an accusing stare.
I glance up at the clock. It’s a quarter to five, but Jason was here until four-thirty, so it’s not like it’s entirely my fault, but I play along anyway.
“I was here, Mr. Everson. You were entertaining other guests at my appointed time, so I was forced to wait.”
He chuckles. “Touché, Miss Somerset. The first time I ever have a visitor other than you, and it manages to inconvenience you. My most humble apologies.”
I smile at him. “Just don’t let it happen again, or I might not wait around.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“So, how did things go with Jason?”
He shrugs, groaning and scrunching up his face in pain. “Um, as well as could be expected, I guess. He read me the riot act for lying to him and for trying to keep him away.”
“He cares about you.”
“Yes, he does. I knew that, but maybe I was wrong about his feelings about helping me. He could have given up when I told him I was leaving Seattle, but he didn’t.”
“So, will Jason be coming back?”
Will looks down and starts playing with the blanket weave. “Yes. He said he wants to come and sit with me, and I told him he could.”
“But you’re not happy about it.”
“I’m . . . Yes and no,” he says slowly. “I think I’ll be glad for the company, but it’s just going to make things harder for me. I have more trouble watching other people in pain than enduring my own. That’s why I did what I did. Well, most of it was to spare Jason, but it was also to spare myself. Being alone was easier, but now I’m going to have to watch him react to watching me, you know?”
I squeeze his hand as warmth blooms in my chest over the beauty of the soul in front of me. “I know it’s hard, Will, but this is how it’s supposed to be. Let Jason do what he can for himself and for you. He’s preparing to lose you just as you’re preparing to . . .”
“Die?” he offers, dropping his chin to try to meet my eyes, which are now fixed on the afghan.
I can’t look at him, and I can’t go on, or I’m going to burst into tears. The warmth is still there in my chest, and it’s so incompatible with the thought of him dying, it’s more than I can take.
He wriggles his hand out of mine, breathes in sharply as he raises his arm, and cups my chin with his hand. “Hey,” he whispers, warm and concerned green eyes meeting my watery brown ones.
I force a smile. I have to be strong so he can focus on himself and not me. “I’m okay,” I tell him, raising my own hand to stroke the one he’s placed on my chin.
“It’s good that Jason’s going to be coming to see you. He seems like a really great guy, and I’m so happy you have such a good friend.”
“Yeah, I’m lucky to have Jay. It means a lot to me that he didn’t give up even when I abandoned him. But let’s talk about something else,” he says, and I don’t know if it’s for my benefit or his.
Either way, I grip his hand and bring it down between mine again and tell him all about my day. He listens attentively, and I’m guessing he’s glad to have the focus shifted away from him for a while.
“I’m concerned about my last patient today though. He lost his wife about six months ago. He’d been doing pretty well, but the last few weeks he seemed down, and today he was downright depressed. If this continues, I think I’m going to need to refer him to one of our psychiatrists so we can try meds in combination with therapy.”
“I’m sorry, Tori,” Will says, rubbing his fingers over my hand. “Hopefully, he was just having a bad day today, and things will look better in the morning.”
“I hope so. I hate it when I feel as if I’m letting down a patient.”
“Oh, you know it’s not your fault, right? He’s upset because his wife died, and you’re doing all you can to help him. I’m sure he’ll come around.”
He smiles at me sweetly, and I can’t help but smile in return.
“I don’t know how you do it though.”
