Lifestorming, page 4
Case Study
When I (Alan) was promoted to head the San Francisco office of a global training firm, my wife and I accompanied a real estate agent to check out houses on Belvedere Island in Tiburon. I stopped, stock-still, in the great room of one of them, looking at a sweeping staircase, watching the bay through huge windows, with harbor seals barking in the background. My parents never had money, and it seemed surreal that I would even be able to consider buying a house like this.
“Is something wrong?” asked the Realtor, who realized I had stopped moving.
“Nothing wrong,” I said, “it's just a bit dizzying when reality catches up with your aspirations.”
Use of money: At certain times in our lives it's sensible to preserve cash, to let someone else pick up the check, to be practical. However, there comes a time when we should always offer to pick up the check, to be generous with others, to become philanthropic. The more we give in life, the more we get, and this becomes easy to do at the Thrive level. One of the great joys of becoming successful, for both of us, has been our ability to give to others and ask for little or nothing in return. I (Alan) am involved in many philanthropic activities. I (Marshall) donate my services frequently—including through my 100 Coaches program, which I described in Chapter 1.
Use of time: We need to reexamine time so that old habits, necessary evils, and a sense of obligation are largely abandoned. You can't reach out until you let go. You can't proceed to the next level while clinging to the last one.
Letting Go to Reach Out
Remember playground monkey bars? You were supposed to cross from one side of the structure to the other by just swinging by your arms. I (Alan) used to freeze until my knuckles were white and my arms were cramped and I dropped the thousand feet down (actually about two feet). But I saw, counterintuitively, that my friends who made it across let go with one hand to reach out, alternating until the momentum helped them traverse the monkey bars.
To reach upper levels and slam watertight doors shut, you have to let go before you can reach out.
Milepost
Contrary to what most people believe, money and time are not resources; they are priorities. We all have time and money, but the key differentiator is where we invest them. That means we don't have to gather more resources, but instead change our priorities as our conditions change.
Affiliations: It's generous—a trait we've lauded earlier—to belong to organizations and associations and invest our time, help others, and help good causes. However, even these have to be examined as candidates for change. Belonging to a chapter of an organization that focuses on speaking, or coaching, or influence might make sense as you progress in life, but you can outgrow these readily. In fact, some people stay on to become officers and board members and never leave, which means instead of raising the standard of the organization, the organization slows them down.
This is why, as a rule, we recommend that at a minimum you consider moving on from—or at least review your membership status in—mastermind groups and similar mutual-help arrangements every two years. Contrary to conventional wisdom, it's fine to be the most successful person in the group (someone has to be)—just not for too long! If your goal is self-improvement, it's probably time to find new challenges after two years.
Self-Talk: The field of positive psychology has made huge strides, offering among other insights that the way we talk to ourselves informs our behavior.3 At earlier stages when someone doesn't react the way we wish we may say, “I'm a lousy marketer” or “I don't debate well.” We generalize from a specific event, making it about character instead of the particular situation.
As we progress, we simply need to identify unsuccessful situations and learn from them (she didn't purchase my services today) and generalize victories, making them about character (an especially valuable device when raising children).4 Some examples follow.
Specific General
I made a nice sale. I'm a great marketer.
I was convincing at the budget meeting. I use influence well.
I was happy to contribute to this charity. I'm generous.
Friends: And finally, friends. We've discussed the changes required to seal watertight doors, and some of those changes involve friends. We are close to many of our old friends, and we believe strongly in the value of loyalty. The true friend whom we can count on day and night, share secrets with, ask for advice, and gain support no matter what is not to be abandoned. However, we also believe we should be honest in assessing our friendships. Misery loves company, the old saying goes, and some friends need allies in their unhappiness. You do that person no favors by confirming his or her negativity. And you certainly don't help yourself. We're not suggesting that you ditch friends who need help or who are going through a rough patch. But there is such a thing as a toxic relationship, whether it's professional, between friends, or romantic. The closer you are to that person, that harder it is to disentangle yourself. In some cases it really is for the best to leave that person behind and move on.
One of the chronic problems for people who get promoted is that they have to treat prior peers as subordinates and prior superiors as peers. This can be far tougher than it seems. It requires a change in attitude, perspective, and reactions. Learning to relate to new peers eases the transition.
Why We Halt the Journey
Our journey is sometimes halted, suspended, detoured, or even abandoned. We may think there's someone in our way—as in the external control we discussed in Chapter 1—but usually we've created the obstacle in our own minds.
Part of the difficulty stems from poor self-talk:
I can't take the chance.
There's too much risk.
I'm overwhelmed.
I have no idea what to do.
Another obstacle is the rut we're in. Like cross-country skiers, we're stuck in a set of tracks that someone else has created with a particular route in mind (becoming a lawyer, going to pharmacy school). Or we find someone else ahead of us moving slowly, and there's no way to pass unless we leave the track and create our own path around the obstacle, which requires strength, stamina, and most of all, intention.
A third factor is procrastination (which is largely fear based): I'm going to stop at the inn and continue the journey tomorrow. I'm going to have a meal and get some sleep. I want to get off my track because I heard of some great bird watching on another trail nearby.
Think of the times in your life you've observed people abandon a project, give up for no reason, or invent excuses as to why they couldn't continue. Have you ever scoffed at them for being so weak, for having no perseverance, for not possessing resilience? Of course, when you've chosen to abandon the journey there have been perfectly good reasons, right?!
The evolutionary journey from surviving to thriving requires a sort of global positioning system. You have to identify the next steps, recognize the next level, and understand how to seal the doors behind you. We are often slowed because we're expecting people to keep up with us rather than finding friends who force us to speed up. We take our time because we're comfortable, having feathered a nest that we're not willing to leave.
The journey is one that proceeds from a poverty and scarcity mentality toward an abundance mentality. This isn't about money, it's about beliefs and behavior. The reason some people with a comfortable life still act as they did when they weren't so comfortable isn't force of habit. It's the belief that what they have is scarce and perhaps temporary: I'm doing well today, but what if I'm not doing as well tomorrow?
I (Marshall) always try to operate from a place of abundance and generosity. As an executive coach, I have a unique compensation system—I only get paid if my clients get better. “Better” means my clients achieve positive, measurable change in behavior, not as judged by themselves but by their key stakeholders. This process usually takes about 18 months and involves an average of 16 stakeholders.
My coaching approach has been described in several major publications, including Forbes and the New Yorker. I have been asked many times where I came up with this “pay only for results” idea. The answer is Dennis Mudd, who installed a new roof on my family's home in Valley Station, Kentucky, when I was growing up. My family was poor. Dad operated a small, two-pump gas station. The roof on our home was very old and starting to leak badly. We had no choice but to get a new roof, although it was a painful expenditure for us. Dad hired Dennis Mudd to put on the roof. In order for us to save some money, I worked as his assistant.
Putting on a roof in the middle of the summer in Kentucky is incredibly hard work. I never have done another job (before or since) that required this degree of physical exertion. I was amazed at the care Mr. Mudd put into the laying of the shingles. He was patient with me as I made mistakes and helped me learn how to do the job right. After a while, my attitude toward this project changed from grudging acceptance to pride in a job well done. In spite of the heat and pain, I looked forward to working with Mr. Mudd every day.
When the project was finally over, I thought the roof looked great. When Mr. Mudd presented my dad with the invoice for our work, he said quietly, “Bill, please take your time and inspect our work. If you feel that this roof meets your standards, pay us. If not, there is no charge for our work.” It was obvious he was very serious in his request.
Dad carefully looked at the roof, thanked both of us for a job well done, and then paid Dennis Mudd, who then paid me for my help.
I will never forget watching Dennis Mudd when he told Dad to only pay for results. He wasn't kidding—he was dead serious, and my already high respect for Mr. Mudd skyrocketed. I was only 14 years old, but I will never forget this event. I knew the Mudd family. They didn't have any more money that we did. I thought, “Mr. Mudd may be poor, but he is not cheap. This guy has class. When I grow up, I want to be like Dennis Mudd.”
Although I have received many honors for my work, I doubt I will ever match the dedication to quality and the integrity Dennis Mudd showed. Mr. Mudd taught me a lesson that I will try to live up to for the rest of my life. What is important is not how much he impressed me. What is much more important is that he could look with pride at the person he saw in the mirror every day.
If every leader in business and government operated like Dennis Mudd, the world would surely be a better place. Imagine if everyone were willing to put pride in their work over financial exigencies. That is a remarkable example of the abundance mentality. Following are some examples of the differences between a scarcity mentality and an abundance mentality on the job and in the office, with colleagues and with subordinates.
Scarcity Abundance
Create bureaucracy. Do the right thing.
Are insecure. Are self-confident.
See “them and us.” See “us.”
Focus on task. Focus on result.
Follow rules. Think.
CYA. Take risks.
See win/loss issues. See win/win issues.
You can see by these examples that a scarcity mentality tends to create rules and constraints, the antithesis of freedom and autonomy. Yet autonomy is one of the key motivators in the workplace. Doing the right thing often means investing more time, taking more creative actions, and going beyond the rule book.
Confidence is required to maintain such values. Figure 2.2 shows another way to look at our control dynamics from Figure 1.1.
Figure 2.2 Esteem and Abundance
People who possess high self-esteem (feel worthy) are efficacious and healthy. But if you are good at what you do but don't really believe it (upper right of Figure 2.2), you believe you're going to be “caught,” and await the eventual day or reckoning. People in this quadrant are “imposters.” Dr. Pauline Rose Clance wrote about this phenomenon many years ago, having interviewed celebrities, business executives, athletes, and others who believed that some day they would be “found out.”5
The lower left quadrant represents the “empty suit,” where efficacy is low but esteem is very high: big promises but little delivery. And the bottom right is disaffection and alienation.
Returning to our examples of scarcity versus abundance thinking, a scarcity mentality sees life as a zero-sum game. For me to win, you have to lose. If you win, I lose. (We all know people who aren't content with merely winning; the other person has to also clearly lose.) It requires abundance thinking to realize that I am enhanced by your victories, not diminished. Generosity necessitates such a win/win value system, which means that you have to believe there are more than sufficient positive outcomes and rewards for us all (and that you should join in the communal victories, not merely the personal ones).
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Scarcity focuses on the task, not the larger result. This is a common issue with many consultants I coach who insist on implementing the six-step sales process with clients, rather than just leaping to the result when it's clearly in sight! Following a map when you can see the destination in front of you doesn't make a lot of sense unless you're afraid to believe your own eyes.
A scarcity mentality follows rules; an abundance mentality takes prudent risk. The former seeks comfort in the prescribed route, the latter often in the conventionally prescribed place. The reasons that one attorney can win exactly the same case that another loses is that the loser adheres strictly to the law and the rules while the winner sees the law in shades of gray wherein creativity and originality have roles (otherwise, why have judges and juries?).
At times on our journey we have to sever what seemed like unbreakable relationships and inseparable bonds. That's a necessity of change. Conditions change and circumstances are altered.
There is a famous, true story about Frankie Valli, the great lead singer of the legendary Four Seasons, and Bob Gaudio, another member of the group who wrote the songs.6 Early in their careers they shook hands and agreed to share whatever each one made fifty-fifty, regardless of who generated what. Eventually, Gaudio left the group to focus solely on composing, the group's members changed several times, and Valli went on to a solo singing (and acting) career.
Nevertheless, they continued to share according to the agreement of their twenties well into their seventies. The business agreement endured, but they went their separate ways in their careers. They remained friends, but they didn't remain friends based on joint membership in a musical group. They allowed themselves the freedom to go their separate ways.
Notes
1. Brian Wasnick, “11 Surprising Ways to Shed Pounds,” Bottom Line, October 1, 2016, http://bottomlineinc.com/11-surprising-ways-shed-pounds.
2. Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter, Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts—Becoming the Person You Want to Be (New York: Crown Publishing, 2015).
3. The seminal work is perhaps Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman (New York: Vintage, 2006).
4. Instead of “nice kick,” say, “You're a terrific athlete.” Instead of “good test score,” say, “You're becoming a scholar.”
5. Pauline Rose Clance, The Imposter Phenomenon (Atlanta: Peachtree Publishers, 1985).
6. The members of the Four Seasons are the subjects of the global hit musical Jersey Boys.
3
Behavioral Metamorphosis
Making Deliberate Change
It's not sufficient to have aspirational ideals. We need focused, targeted behaviors to support the journey toward that moving target. That's why we believe that everyone needs structure and support—in some cases from a coach who can honestly assess shortcomings and come up with a plan for improvement.
There is a reason that coaching has grown by leaps and bounds in the corporate world over the last few decades. Instead of a sign that a person's career is faltering, having a coach is now most often a mark of prestige—a signal that the company is making an investment in that person. For many people, it's harder to accept the guidance of a coach outside the workplace. Without the ego-soothing assurance that our coach is grooming us for future professional success, we are far more likely to take the coach's directives personally. Partly it's about a need for privacy. It's socially acceptable to admit that we could be more patient at work or that we could lose a few pounds. It's embarrassing and difficult, for example, to face our shortcomings as parents and as husbands or wives.
Sometimes we don't know that we need to change. We are in denial, convincing ourselves that others need help, not us. A few years ago, a large equipment company hired me (Marshall) to coach the CEO and the COO, who was to succeed the CEO in the near future. The CEO had a precise timetable for succession. “My number two is a good guy,” he said, “but he needs three more years of seasoning. Then I'll be ready to leave, he can take over, and everything's good.” My antennae perk up whenever I'm asked to conduct research that proves someone's predetermined conclusion. Something wasn't right. Sure enough, when I finished my 360-degree interviews with the COO's colleagues, they all said the number two was ready now. The deeper problem was the CEO. Without prompting, nearly every interviewee said the CEO had stayed too long and should leave for the good of the company.
Another important reason for acknowledging the support coaching provides: We have an inherent tendency to underestimate the dif- ficulty required to accomplish any but the simplest of tasks (and sometimes even those). On a systemic basis, do you find that most bridge repairs, highway projects, new construction, and mass transit improvements are completed below budget or over budget, ahead of time or late? The “Big Dig” in Boston—a huge public works project that rerouted roads to run underneath the city and constructed a new route to the airport—was projected to cost $2.8 billion and was completed nine years late at a cost of $14.6 billion (that's 400 percent over budget). The cost was about twice the cost of building the Panama Canal in today's dollars!1
