Cross My Candy Heart, page 5
It would’ve been a kiss had it an ounce more finesse and significantly better aim.
The small, surprised sound in Adam’s throat melted into the ghost of a moan, and he quickly took control, guiding Justin into place with a gentle nudge beneath his chin. When Justin gasped at the contrast of soft lips and rough stubble, Adam deepened the kiss with just a hint of tongue, exploring the sensitive inner curve of Justin’s lower lip and sending jolts of electricity all the way down to his thighs.
A wet, obscene sound followed as Adam pulled away slowly. He touched their foreheads together with a low, rueful laugh. “Better stop there, or I’m liable to get carried away. Anyone ever tell you what a temptation you are?”
No. No one had ever said anything of the kind. He’d been called a tease but never a temptation. For some reason, it sounded so much better coming from Adam.
Justin couldn’t resist the urge to tuck the fall of Adam’s hair back behind his ear. He’d been thinking about doing that for months. It was every bit as silky as it appeared. “Does that usually work for you, the card thing? Or am I just that easy?”
It was appallingly clear that the second part was true. Justin would have let Adam roll him into the backseat in a heartbeat after that kiss. He’d never experienced such a sharp, electric thrill before. Sparks.
It seemed to be difficult for Adam to pull his attention away from Justin’s swollen mouth. His throat bobbed with a hard swallow when Justin dug his teeth in his bottom lip in a nervous habit. Adam gave it one last, lingering glance and then sat back in his seat to unfasten his seatbelt. “What? No, I’ve never tried that before. Most guys aren’t interested in my hobbies. I didn’t know how you’d react, but I knew you wouldn’t mock me. You’re too good for that.” Adam paused with one hand on the door handle and sighed. “Mostly, I wanted to make you smile. Lights up the whole world, feels like.”
Justin had often been told to smile, but he’d never been accused of lighting up a room, let alone the whole world. It was hard not to smile after that.
*
NOW, THIS WAS just mean.
The Lucky Ducky package should never have been created. It was a crime against good taste and, frankly, humanity. Justin had noticed the costume in the warehouse early on and given it a wary once-over, positive he was too big to fit and deeply relieved he’d never have to deliver it.
Until the assignment came in last night. Adam, 319. Lucky Ducky snack attack.
He’d accepted it before he could think it through. Now, he had to squeeze into a giant yellow duck costume that barely fit. If he stretched his back by more than an inch, he’d pop the snaps in the padded, feathered crotch and give way more of a show than the sender had paid for.
The candy-striped tights made his legs look especially spindly between the round padded belly and the wide rubber feet. The wings glued to his fuzzy yellow gloves made it difficult to put on his big cartoon duck head.
The only redeemable feature about the costume was that the duck bill opened and closed a bit when he talked. It was a neat effect that would be better suited to almost any other costume. Because this one should be burned.
He waved a tired wing at the front desk ladies who tittered as they buzzed him in. The usual office crowd waited in the hallway, likely alerted by the lightning-fast receptionist hotline that evidently held the building together. Justin could barely make out any faces through his orange viewing screen, but one man stuck out from the rest, more because of his rigid posture than any defining features. He stood off to the side, arms crossed. Justin couldn’t quite see his face, but he could feel his glare. It was oddly familiar, cold and threatening. A chill ran down his spine as his fight-or-flight kicked in.
Justin rushed past, a festively wrapped Valentine’s gift package clutched to his plumage.
Adam’s office door slammed shut behind him as he pressed back against it, crushing his tail so he could try to get his breathing in order.
“Honestly, this has to stop. Can’t you block the sender or something? This clearly constitutes harassment at this point. What are you this time, a big canary?” Adam only paused his typing to gawk at Justin for a very justifiable moment, and then he returned to work as if giant costumed ducks busted into his office every day.
If Justin hadn’t been struggling to breathe, he’d have found it endearing.
“I’d be—I’d be one lucky ducky if you—if you would be my valentine.” He tossed the rumpled package into Adam’s lap, the tips of his fingers slowly going numb inside his gloves.
Adam opened it with all the reticence of someone who wasn’t sure whether they’d been gifted a can of peanuts or a live tarantula. His baffled expression once the contents were revealed did nothing to indicate which it was. “You brought me crackers?”
The breathing exercise wasn’t working. He couldn’t get enough air. Justin’s heart was racing, his stomach rolling as he tried to fight off the eerie sensation that man in the hallway had left. “I’m just quackers over you. Mind if I sit down a second? Th-thanks.”
“Sit” was a generous term for what Justin did. It was more of a jittery, graceless slide down the door panel until his feathered rump hit the floor. He probably should have eaten something instead of only chugging down the free coffee at the shop all day. Adam hadn’t been available for his lunch break, and Justin hadn’t seen the point in bothering without him.
Adam crouched in front of him, the blurry concern in his face apparent even through the screen. “Hey, are you okay? You’re not overheating in that thing, are you?”
If there was anything more humiliating than performing a singing telegram for the guy you were maybe almost definitely falling for, it would probably be having an anxiety attack on his office floor while dressed as a duck. Justin truly resented that he’d gotten both experiences.
“I’m fine. Sorry. This is very unprofessional. I need to catch my breath. For a moment, I thought I saw— Nothing, it was nothing.”
Unfortunately, the more he denied it, the worse it became, until every breath wheezed between clenched teeth as he silently screamed at himself to get it together.
Adam grabbed onto the duck head, lifting it a single, precarious inch. “Alright, it’s alright. Let’s get this thing off you.”
“No! Please, leave it on.” If his heart hadn’t been racing before, it definitely was now. Justin couldn’t imagine anything worse than Adam discovering his secret right at this moment of horrible, uncontrolled weakness. He felt naked beneath the suit, flayed open for the world to see what a coward he was at his core.
Adam replaced the head and then gave a hesitant, awkward pat on the bill. “Okay, man. Hands off the suit, I got it. Your boss must be a real hard-ass.”
“Paula’s so nice, actually.” Great, now he was crying. He couldn’t reach his eyes to wipe them, so he had to roll them up to blink at the bright-yellow interior of the head as he sniffed hard to keep his nose from running.
To his credit, Adam didn’t act as if the snotty duck on his floor was much of an inconvenience. He hovered nearby, his solid, comforting presence doing more to help Justin calm down than any breathing or focus exercise he’d ever tried. If it didn’t risk ruinng absolutely everything, Justin would have flung himself into Adam’s arms and buried his face in his sturdy, perfect chest.
He was certain Adam’s chest could solve most of his problems.
The wheels of the office chair squealed when Adam dropped back into it and rolled a few feet away. “Want a glass of water or something? Should I give you some space? People can find me intimidating sometimes, I know.”
At least the tears were drying up, leaving Justin a few ignoble sniffs away from achieving as much composure as was possible while wearing a duck suit. “Why are you being so nice to me?”
It was confusing and a little frightening because Justin didn’t know how to deal with Adam’s uncomplicated kindness. By all accounts, he should hate Justin’s costumed guts, but instead, he’d stopped everything to help him out. As far as Adam knew, Justin was a total stranger. He had nothing to gain from this. He was simply that nice.
Adam took in the puddle of sad duck Justin had plopped on his floor for a quiet moment. “You’re more than your shitty job, you know. It’s not your fault some asshole keeps sending telegrams to mess with me.” His voice had softened around the edges, as gentle as Justin had ever heard him.
Blinking back a fresh set of tears, Justin started to pull himself up from the floor, unsteady gloved hands climbing the door as if he was in a medical alert infomercial. He fluffed out his tail and faced Adam again. “It could be a secret admirer.”
Although, increasingly, Justin began to suspect Adam could be right. At first it had seemed paranoid, but surely nobody would choose this particular set of packages to gift someone this shy. No matter how clueless they might be.
The resigned slump of Adam’s shoulders tugged at Justin’s heart. “It’s not.”
It rankled that Adam refused to even consider the possibility of a secret admirer. Especially since Justin had been one only a few weeks before. Albeit, without the means to gift unwanted singing telegrams. “How could you know that?”
Adam’s scoff was the first harsh sound he’d made since Justin had waddled in his door. “Come on. Who would admire a guy like me?” He gestured up and down his considerable body as if that proved any point other than Justin should spend more time considering his body.
There was a lot to consider.
The duck feet shoes were comically large on Justin, but they weren’t very much larger than Adam’s sturdy black boots. And those long legs came up to Justin’s navel, putting that substantial chest at exactly the perfect height to kiss.
Or gnaw on, if he was quick about it. Justin could be very quick. “I would.”
“What? I can barely hear you in that thing.” Adam rolled a little closer and jolted Justin out of his chest-induced stupor.
“I mean, plenty of guys. People. They would. For sure.” Perfect save. Not suspicious at all.
Bless his enormous heart, Adam didn’t seem to notice Justin’s clumsy denial.
Instead of ripping the duck head off and exposing Justin for a creepy fake, Adam rested his elbow on his desk to prop his chin and then examined Justin up and down. “You already said you can’t tell me your name, but I swear you sound more and more familiar each time. I’ve got to know you from somewhere.”
If there was a way to chuckle nervously without sounding sinister while wearing a duck costume, Justin hadn’t mastered it. “Guess you’re getting used to me, huh? It’s like building up immunity by taking small amounts of poison.”
Because Justin was poison, crashing into Adam’s calm, orderly life with his chaos and deceit. The closer they became, the more convinced Justin was that he was the worst thing to ever happen to Adam. If he were a better person, he’d give him up now. Rip off the bandage and tell the truth. But he wasn’t a better person. He was just his imperfect self.
Rather than being put off by Justin’s duck cackle, Adam typed something into his computer and then stood once more, noticeably trying not to loom.
“Listen, I know we got off on the wrong foot the first time you came around. I was pretty steamed, and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.” He gestured toward the blinds behind Justin. “I get so fed up with some of the guys treating me like shit because I don’t follow the rules in their fake yuppie games. I don’t want to play office politics. I want to do my job so I can get home and spend my time on things I actually enjoy.”
Was it absolutely appalling that Justin loved talking to Adam when he was relaxed like this, without the tension of being on a date? The fact that Adam didn’t know it was him left a bad taste in his mouth, but Justin still soaked up every drop of information. He wanted to know everything about Adam, in any way he could.
“Like what?”
The first hint of nerves trickled out as Adam gave a self-deprecating laugh and rubbed the back of his neck, a habit Justin hadn’t seen in days since they’d gotten comfortable together. “I do stuff like gaming, computer and tabletop. I like to read, watch vintage sci-fi shows, you know, have fun doing nothing much.”
All the things Justin liked to do, if he had the chance. He sighed longingly. “I miss doing nothing much.”
“They running you ragged with these telegram things? How many people even send them around here?” The genuine concern in Adam’s voice pricked Justin’s guilty conscience.
“This time of year is our busiest. We’ll get another boom around the holidays, but Valentine’s is high season.” A note of false cheer entered Justin’s voice as he fought against melancholy. There was no point dwelling on his misdeeds when he wasn’t going to do anything about it.
“Oh, shit. Valentine’s Day. I forgot it was coming up soon.” Adam whipped out his phone, nearly dropping it in his haste before he scrolled rapidly and then glared down at it with a muttered curse.
The hilarity of Adam forgetting about Valentine’s Day when Justin stood before him dressed as a giant duck with a pink feathered heart on his chest hit him hard. “Did you fail to notice I’ve been barging into your office all month wearing increasingly stupid Valentine’s costumes?”
Adam blew out a noisy breath and continued to tap at his phone screen determinedly. “I’ve been distracted. I need to think of something nice to do. Damn, hope I can still get a reservation somewhere.”
“Big plans?” It was devious, selfish, and underhanded. And Justin hated himself for it, but he had to ask.
Tucking the phone away, Adam examined the square of carpet between them. “Guess you could say that. There’s this guy I’ve been seeing lately. Took me months to muster up the courage to ask him out. For whatever reason, he said yes. Now, I just need to convince him it’s worth a shot, to do this thing for real.”
If Justin’s health insurance wasn’t absolute garbage, he’d probably make an appointment to have his heart checked out. It couldn’t be healthy to go from galloping in panic to thumping insistently with whatever this new, overwhelming feeling was, as if it was trying to get Justin’s attention. “For real?”
Luckily, Adam didn’t notice the riveted, breathy quality of Justin’s voice. “You know, boyfriends, partners, or whatever. At least, I hope that’s where we’re headed. He’s the closest thing to living sunshine I’ve ever met, and I can’t get him off my mind. If he doesn’t want to let me love on him for the next lifetime or so, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself.”
Oh.
Damn it, that was the single most romantic thing Justin had ever heard in his life.
“Fuck!” He smacked the heel of his hand against the duck forehead with a dull, hollow sound. Adam deserved the truth, and he also deserved someone better than Justin. He’d never say something like that if he only knew.
An undignified snort of laughter snuck past the palm Adam slapped over his own mouth. “I’m sorry, but it’s hilarious to hear you say that while you’re dressed as a duck. What’s wrong, now?”
Justin flapped his wings dejectedly, his heart sinking as he came to terms with what he had to do. “I left the boom box in my car.”
It was the truth, a rare treat from Justin. He wasn’t going to be able to face himself in the mirror after all this was over.
“If you’re not up for singing a cappella, I’d be more than happy to skip that part altogether.” Barely suppressed mirth bubbled up between every word, and Justin soaked up Adam’s happiness while he could.
He paused with the doorknob in his grasp. “You promise you won’t tell my company?”
Adam tapped the tip of his beak with a wink. “Don’t worry about it. Your secret’s safe with me.”
That was it.
He couldn’t deny it any longer. Justin had to come clean, and soon.
*
“SO, FIRST, I was thinking we could head up the mountain. You know that tree farm they got up there? They’re having some big to-do. A Valentine’s chocolate festival. Heard your favorite bakery is making all the treats. Then I thought we could go back to my place, after—”
“Adam.” Justin stopped on the path they’d been walking along the back gardens behind the art gallery on his lunch break. It was time. He couldn’t wait another second. It wasn’t fair to Adam to drag this out any further than he already had. Acid churned in his stomach as Adam turned, good intentions plain on his face.
“Don’t get me wrong, now,” Adam continued. “I only thought we could open up the new Druid expansion together and play a round or two. I don’t want to rush this. I want to do things right, take our time. I don’t mind waiting.”
No one had ever thought Justin was worth waiting for. Justin didn’t believe he was worth waiting for. But Adam did.
It all sounded perfect. A dream come true. Everything Justin could’ve wanted, and more.
And if he went along with it, he’d prove himself to be the opposite of everything Adam thought he was. He wanted to try to be the person Adam thought he was, even if it meant destroying his own chances at happiness.
“There’s something I should tell you,” Justin said. “Something I should’ve told you right from the start. About me. About who I am.” The hem of his sweater started to unravel in his guilty, fidgeting fingers.
A single line appeared between Adam’s brows as he gave Justin his full attention. He took Justin’s hand between both of his and simply held it, safe and warm. It was too late to save the sweater, the damage was done. “Hey, listen, we all have a past. I’m not worried about any guys that came before me or anything like that. None of that matters to me. I like you the way you are, and I just want to be with you. That’s all.”
All Justin wanted, all he’d ever wanted, was to be held like this. Gentle, but strong. He felt so safe in Adam’s arms.
If only he wasn’t stomping on any possibility of keeping him with every word that fell from his guilty, lying lips. Justin left his hand right where it was, hoarding the warmth while he was able. “I want to be with you too, Adam. Which is what makes this so hard to say.”
