Elnathan John, page 11
the black saviour to ever feel at home in his own country. There is a resultant irritation and frustration
that becomes worse upon the traumatic realisation that it has become impossible to go back to the
white country. In my prayers I will reserve a minute every day for BS living with SCWS. Because I
care.
It is my hope that you can save your country and generation from having to depend on white
saviours obsessed with fixing the world, by choosing the noble path of the black saviour. May the
good lord who sees your large heart, increase your capacity for salvation and bless your glorious
black saviour hustle.
WHEN IN NIGERIA…
NOTES FOR THE FOREIGNER IN NIGERIA
HOW TO BE AN EXPATRIATE IN NIGERIA
I have always held that the Nigerian God is far too kind. Kind to our political leaders in spite of their
wickedness, kind to our religious leaders in spite of their hypocrisy, kind to our traditional leaders in
spite of their complicity in all the mess we find ourselves in. And kinder to white foreigners. I mean,
you can be a technician from the roughest, poorest parts of the London Borough of Tower Hamlets and
suddenly become a foreign engineer with servants, a huge salary and a secure mansion in the best
parts of Abuja. We are in awe of white expatriates.
You have left hardship, harsh winters and a horrible economic recession in your nice developed
country and are now an economic refugee in Nigeria. Of course, we don’t know this; you are the expat
who will save us from ruin and teach us how things ought to be done. You have gotten a job with an
organisation or company which has applied for expatriate quota for you and secured nice
accommodation with a generator, a car and a driver. You have said goodbye to your family and
friends and moved to Nigeria. Maybe you have even come with Hector, your cat. God will bless you
for choosing our country. I mean you could have ended up in small Togo but you came here. This is
how you must conduct yourself while living in Nigeria.
As soon as you arrive get in contact with other expatriates. There are online groups and you will
quickly find whatever it is you need, from stores that sell foreign food to people selling off their
furniture and books.
You are here to work and live large, not contaminate yourself with the locals. You can enjoy this
country while pretending to live in your own country. Identify hangout spots that are “expat joints”.
Your expat friends will tell what joints are suitable for expats, joints with food so expensive it scares
the locals away. If there are any locals you can be sure they are in the safe upper classes. You don’t
want to go and catch some deadly disease like malaria or dengue fever. Do nice expat things like
jogging with fellow foreigners through the nice safe streets of Abuja and having a nice picnic after. Of
course, there will be the odd local but that is ok. Makes it nice and colourful.
When you are able to muster the courage to go to a non-expat joint, come in groups and dance
with each other in a corner. The important thing is you have done something revolutionary: risked
kidnapping by going to an unprotected joint. Have a local guide — a nice junior member of staff from
the office who understands the pecking order. Drink as much as you can and party as often as you can.
Where else in this messed-up global economy can you enjoy this much luxury?
Do not learn a local language. What’s the point?
Complain about everything in the country. Complain about how you can never find the kind of cat
food that your cat, Hector, enjoys. Complain about how nobody cares about animals. Talk about how
rude the locals are and how sloppy everyone is. Complain about how bad the driving is and how loud
(except if you are American) everyone is. Complain about how nothing works in this country, about
the heat, the slow and expensive internet service. Because, in your cold, civilized, recession-hit
country, everything works.
Have a nice upper-class local couple who can agree with you when you talk about how horrible
things are. Invite them for dinner occasionally. This proves you are cool with the locals and are not
racist. Also, occasionally invite those who may not be upper class, but who consider themselves
progressives, the cultural elite. People who have read the books you have read and can talk about art
from your country. They may drink all your alcohol and eat more ravenously than your upper-class
couple, but the conversation will be worth it.
Avoid the local food. Something terrible will happen to you if you eat the local food that is so
low in nutrition and high in cholesterol and bacteria. Hire a cook who knows how to make food from
your country.
Expect the locals to respect your culture even though you are in their country. It is ok to dress
inappropriately — after all in your country, you are a free to wear whatever you like, or nothing at
all.
I hope that you enjoy Nigeria and slowly get used to the heat and the reports of explosions and
violence. Not to worry, you are safe. When we kill each other we usually leave out the foreigners.
And the guys who used to kidnap foreigners are busy with more official duties. Stay well and God
bless your foreign hustle.
TIPS FOR THE FOREIGN JOURNALIST COVERING
NIGERIAN ELECTIONS
Nigeria is an important country for many reasons. First there is the jihadist group Boko Haram which
has engaged in an expansionist campaign, freaking out everyone in the free world. Then there is the
fact that Nigeria is Africa’s largest economy. Sometimes. So, understandably, when we have elections
as we have managed to do without break since 1999, it sparks interest in many Nigeria watchers
around the world. From those who arrive with predictions of mayhem and violence, packing with
them a bullet-proof vest and hopes for a big break reporting from a hot crisis area, to those who take
advantage of no one from their little European country wanting to do this job, everyone needs tips
from the locals.
Yes you will have to endure the irritation of getting a visa: a small gift of reciprocity for all the
countries where Nigerians suffer indignities trying to get visas. That is the only difficult part. Just
follow the advice here and you will have an amazing time.
NOTE: Most of my advice is for the white or light-skinned foreigner. If you are black and cannot be
visibly identified as a foreigner, then I am sorry, you will have to work as hard as every other local
journalist.
There is no protocol for the foreign journalist.
You may think, I want to interview a high-profile politician and I am not sure a foreigner who just
flew in to cover the elections will be able to get access. Nonsense! There are no access issues for the
foreign journalist in Nigeria. You know the saying “man proposes, God disposes”? Well, here it is
“foreign journo proposes, foreign journo disposes”. Especially if you are white, there is hardly any
door you cannot walk right through and be greeted with a smile. If you cannot enter, then rest assured
that no one can.
You are white. Embrace it.
Like I said above, this article is for the light(er)-skinned journalist. In Nigeria, all light-skinned
foreigners are referred to as white, or “oyinbo”. Up north, where Hausa is the main language, you
will be called “bature”. It does not matter if you are Algerian, Mexican or Chinese. Do not try to
argue or explain that you are not white. The tag comes with a lot of perks like the one in 1. above.
You will experience more love and attention than you have ever received since the nurse first showed
you to your parents.
Don’t be shy to ask personal questions
Sure there are taboo questions, but because you are foreign, most of these will not apply to you. Do
not be shocked if you find people telling you their most intimate secrets. You will not need to be very
influential for a public official to share sensitive government information or for a random stranger to
tell you the crimes they have committed. There is something about your skin that makes us trust you.
Milk it.
Prepare for the beer gardens
Especially in Lagos and Abuja, you will find that there are dozens of beer gardens or bush bars in any
one area. Feel free to explore these lively places but please do not wear those hideous brown khaki
shorts that foreign journos like to wear in tropical countries. Along with the general population,
mosquitoes converge there and will not hesitate to feast on you. Especially you. If you have never had
malaria before, trust me, the first time is not good. Plus, you don’t want to be delirious with fever
while your colleagues are out covering electoral violence. An African election report without some
violence is like a man with erectile dysfunction. You don’t want that.
Love is a dangerous game
Everyone needs some loving. While you are in Nigeria, there is nothing wrong in some adventure of a
sexual nature. Again, it doesn’t matter how you look — old, fat, sun-burnt — you will be treated like
a local celebrity. Sex (transactional and otherwise) will be fairly easy to find. People will tell you
very quickly that you are beautiful, or even, that they love you. Especially if you are no longer in your
prime and it has been years since someone last said those words to you, it can be quite intoxicating to
hear them. Enjoy the attention, but be careful. You may end up sponsoring someone’s trip abroad.
Love at your own risk.
The gay shall [not] inherit the [Nigerian] earth
If you are gay and you need some action while you are in Nigeria, you might want to be extra
cautious. It is a crime to show any same sex amorous affection. We can talk about how this is against
human rights and all another time. Today it is a crime, and you can get in trouble. Plus, the open
playing field for the gay foreigner in Nigeria is a minefield. To scam you, we will pretend to be gay.
Don’t use the internet for hook-ups. I am not recommending abstinence (that can be frustrating), but
you might want to think about it.
We stare at foreigners. Deal with it.
You will find out very quickly that as a white foreigner, you stand out. People will stare at you,
nonstop. No, they will not look away when you look back. Yes, they will call out to you in the streets,
referring to you by race. Calm down. This is not racist. It is endearment. Deal with it.
You will pay more. Think of it as reparations.
Will you be charged higher prices when you go to the market or take cabs or pay for sex? Yes. Yes.
Yes. Triple! If you ask me, it is a small price to pay for all that love. Deal with it.
The devil is in the spices
Especially if you are from places with bland food, the first time you eat a Nigerian dish will be
followed by reactions that will require a long period of recovery. If you do not like hot spices, you
might want to mention that several times before the food arrives.
Vegans can go to hell
I am sorry but if you are vegan, food will be a challenge for you here. If you will not feel too guilty
about it, you might want to take a vegan break in Nigeria and enjoy the meaty culinary delights for the
one or two weeks you will be here. Trust me, the one or two kilos of meat you will eat in the period
will not destroy the planet. However, to deal with any extreme guilt when you do go back home, you
can volunteer at a homeless shelter, donate to Oxfam or to one of those animal rights organisations.
I hope you enjoy Nigeria as much as I hope Nigeria enjoys you.
APPENDIX AND TRAVEL ADVICE
TRAVEL ADVICE FOR NIGERIANS GOING TO THE U.S.
The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Federal Republic of Nigeria warns Nigerian citizens of the
continuing risks of travel to the U.S. and recommends that Nigerian citizens avoid all travel to
Arkansas, California, Idaho, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Jersey, Texas, Tennessee, and
Wisconsin because of the large number of hate groups and/or the situation in those states being fluid
and unpredictable. Due to the persistent threat of domestic terrorism by lone white wolves with
mental health issues, the Nigerian government restricts travel by Nigerian government personnel to all
areas where civilian Americans are allowed to freely purchase automatic firearms and limits the
activities of Nigerian government and personnel and their family members while in New York,
Atlanta, and Houston. (To be clear, they have guns and they kill people, especially black people.)
The Federal Government strongly urges Nigerian citizens in the U.S. to consider their personal
security and to keep personal safety in the forefront of their travel planning. We know some of you
who are very light-skinned or even mixed-race may think you will be exempt from this hate against
black people. (This from years of being fondly called oyinbo in Nigeria.) You are sorely mistaken. In
America anyone who is not 100% white is black. You are black. They will kill you if they catch you.
We have warned you.
The ability of the Federal Government to provide assistance to Nigerian citizens in Alaska,
Arkansas, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, New Jersey, Tennessee, Wisconsin, and Wyoming remains
severely limited.
The Federal Government continues to recommend against all but essential travel to the following
states due to the risk of police shootings and brutality, drug gangs, racist attacks, white nationalists
(Nazis), unhealthy fast food linked to obesity and diabetes, measles and anti-vaxxers, people who go
on Jerry Springer, drive-by shootings, violence on black Friday, Donald Trump, Trump supporters
and other similar dangerous things: Texas, Oklahoma, Georgia, Baltimore, Iowa, Michigan,
Pennsylvania, Louisiana, Virginia, Kentucky, New York, Washington DC, Alabama, South Carolina,
Arkansas, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming. The Federal Government also retains the warning from the previous
travel advisory against travel in Ferguson because of the threat of riots and police whose basic gear
resembles that of the army — we are not sure that much has changed. Worse, Ferguson has an armed
group of white people called the Oath Keepers whose self-imposed mandate is to “defend the
Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic” and who normally show up when black
people are protesting. Basically, white people protecting white people with high-calibre guns. The
Federal Government cannot explain this. Just stay safe and out of Ferguson. The Federal Government
also extends this warning to Charlottesville, Virginia where the risk is high from armed white racists
addicted to confederate statues. Do not go to Charlottesville.
Based on safety and security risk assessments, the Embassy maintains restrictions for travel by
Nigerian officials to those states listed above (and all other states with significant numbers of Trump
supporters); officials must receive advance clearance by the Nigerian Mission for any travel deemed
as mission-essential. Nigerian citizens should be aware that extremists could expand their operations
beyond the south, mid-west and President Donald Trump’s strongholds and hotels to other areas of the
country.
The Nigerian Mission advises all Nigerian citizens to be particularly vigilant around traffic
lights, police vehicles, rallies full of white people (whether armed or not), white neighbourhoods
(white people call the police when they see black people), Americans who refuse to vaccinate their
children; locations where large crowds of black people may gather (as this may attract white police,
Molotov cocktails, tear gas and murderous white nationalists). Security measures in the U.S. remain
heightened due to threats posed by racist groups, Trump supporters, I.C.E. and the police in general.
Since an extremist police group killed Michael Brown in August 2014, over 1,000 persons have been
killed by police throughout the country. Do not say we didn’t warn you. Sometimes they kill you by
choking you to death, breaking your spinal cord behind a police van, hanging you in a police cell and
calling it a suicide or just shooting you point blank as you are reaching for your seat belt or playing
with a toy gun. And definitely no toy guns.
2014–17 and beyond saw an increase in deaths by police in the U.S.. Although several hashtags
went viral on the internet, police continued their killing without fear that the whole world could be
watching. Sometimes, it didn’t matter that passers-by were filming the police brutality. These people
just pull the trigger and explain later.
President Donald Trump continues to threaten that he will be harsh with immigration. Nigerians
may find themselves at the receiving end of this. While the Federal Government’s prayers against the
tragedy of Mr. Trump becoming president went largely unanswered, the Embassy continues to assure
Nigerians that it will continue to respond to threats from President Donald Trump as much as it can.
