Frenemy Fix-Up, page 19
“No, I’m not. I’m weak and pathetic.” She hangs her head low, and it breaks my heart.
Grasping both her shoulders, I lift her chin to face me. “Don’t talk like that. You’re not pathetic. You have an illness, but you’re managing it. You’re strong, Mama.” Dr. Murphy has told me in the past to give her positive reinforcement when she’s going through a depressive episode.
“I don’t feel strong.” She leans sideways and rests her head on the couch. “I’m tired. Tired of wanting someone who doesn’t love me back.”
I recognize what Mama is feeling. I can’t be with Colin if he doesn’t love me. Attraction is not enough. Colin has made me crave something I haven’t wanted in a long time.
A partner.
A husband.
Someone who won’t care if I can’t have kids of my own. Because I would be enough.
Colin isn’t that person. He wants Claire, a woman he clearly idolizes as the perfect woman, and I refuse to feel less-than.
Like my mother, I’m a strong Black woman. Letting him go will be hard. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
I need someone who will choose me.
Twenty-Eight
COLIN
She’s not home.
I’ve been waiting outside Shay’s apartment for hours. I drove through the gate behind another car, and I’ve been sitting in my Audi.
Where the hell is she?
She’s usually home after the studio closes, around seven at the latest.
Is something wrong?
Is she okay?
Of course she isn’t okay, you asshole.
You fucked her on the studio floor, and she couldn’t face you afterward.
She hid in the locker room and told me to leave. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to talk to her. Explain that she’s got me in such a state I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
I’ve been with other women, but this is different. Like now. I’m worried if she’s been in an accident. There’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know won’t let up until I see she’s safe. With other women, once I slept with them, I always went home to my own bed. Not with Shay. I like falling asleep next to her. I like waking up with her curled into my groin, my arm wrapped around her waist. I like that she gets up and makes us avocado toast, even though I don’t like avocados. But she ignores me and fixes it anyway and makes sure I eat it. It’s a good fat, she always says.
Being here makes me nervous. Scared. My plan was to have it all. Get fit. Go back to the high-powered, executive-level job. Marry a woman from the country-club set like my father wanted.
I’m throwing out that plan. I want a life with Shay.
I’m afraid of what it means—that I have feelings for a woman who was only supposed to be a friend with benefits. But I can’t ignore that Shay means something to me.
I need to see where this goes.
When her car finally pulls into parking lot, I breathe a sigh of relief. Her car is several yards away from mine. She doesn’t see me because she walks straight up the stairs to her apartment.
She probably wants her space, but I can’t leave things the way they were at the studio. I have to check that she’s okay. That I didn’t hurt her, and I don’t mean physically.
Climbing out of the Audi, I take the stairs two at a time.
Doubt makes me hesitate at her front door.
Will she slam it in my face? Will she send me away?
I don’t know why, but something tells me she needs me. And I know I need her.
Inhaling deeply I knock, and I’m surprised when she opens the door without asking who it is.
“Shay, what are you—” I’m about to chastise her when I notice her red-rimmed eyes. “Shay?” I step in and pull her into my arms. “Baby, what is it?”
Grasping her face, I try to look at her, but she lowers her head to my chest and cries. That’s when I close the door and walk us to her couch. Once there, I sit down, but instead of pulling her beside me, I pull her into my lap.
She doesn’t resist. Thank God. I’m not sure why she comes to me willingly, but I’ll take it.
I cradle her in my arms and let her cry. What’s going on? What’s upset her? I’m not so arrogant to believe it’s about me. From her puffy eyes, it looks like she’s been crying for some time.
I rub her back. “It’s going to be okay,” I murmur, just like she calmed me that night at the hospital. When she eventually quiets, she glances up as if she’s seeing me for the first time. Panic ignites in her eyes, and I know it’s because she was vulnerable with me. She jumps out of my lap and onto the sofa beside me.
“Easy.” I shush her like she’s a skittish foal.
She folds her legs crisscross. “I’m sorry for my meltdown.”
A smile spreads across my lips. “It’s okay. I have big shoulders.” I flex my muscles. “I can take it.”
She laughs a little, and it makes me feel better but not by much. I want to know what’s got her so upset. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” she replies, “but Riley isn’t here, so I guess you’ll have to do.”
I snort, not liking that I’m the fallback guy. I want to be her first call. “Um, okay.”
She bends her head, and I can feel her thinking about what she’s willing to share with me. I’ll take whatever she’s offering.
See? That’s what I’m talking about. With another woman, I wouldn’t care what’s going on in her head, in her heart. With Shay, I want all of it.
“Go on,” I say.
“My mother suffers from depression,” she announces with no preamble. She watches for my reaction, and when I don’t have one she continues. “I don’t know how long she’s been like this. Too long. But my earliest memories of it are after my father left her for another woman.”
“What happened?”
“Mama fell apart. The sting of rejection was too much. She wouldn’t get out of bed, shower, comb her hair or brush her teeth. It was bad, Colin.”
“What did your father do? He didn’t try to get her help?”
She rolls her eyes. “He didn’t care. He’d moved on with another woman and was starting a new family. Riley and I took the lead in keeping our family together.”
“And?”
“Riley was fifteen when the divorce happened. He became the man of the house and kept the bills paid, but then he got a scholarship to an Ivy League school back East.”
“And he left you?” The question is out even though I know the answer.
She nods. “I was only fourteen when Riley left, and it was up to me to pay the bills, shop for groceries and generally keep it together while going to school.”
“Shay, that’s a lot.” I never knew she was going through all this in high school.
Tears leak down her cheeks. “It was. I did my best, but sometimes...” Her voice cracks, and I don’t hesitate to pull her back into my arms until she stops sniffling.
“Did you ever tell anyone, a teacher?”
“Why? So I could be put in foster care?” she says, lifting her head off my chest to peer at me. “Mama needed me. Plus, I didn’t want anyone to know. I kept it to myself, except for the Gems.”
“They were your lifeline?”
She nods.
“Now I understand why these women are so important to you. But I don’t know how you managed it.”
“Not very well. I was lonely, especially without Riley, so when Kevin, my ex-husband, started sniffing around when I was twenty, I fell for him.”
“How long were you married?”
“Not long, a few years. Kevin couldn’t take Mama’s ups and downs because we lived with her. Plus, we were so young.”
I sense there’s more to the story that she’s holding back. “But something happened today?”
“Yeah, Mama had a setback. She’s been doing so well the last few years, Colin. Once Riley started making money as an attorney, he sent resources back home, and we were able to get Mama the help she needed. But today, the man she’s been seeing broke up with her, and I swear...” I can see Shay trying to keep it together. “I saw her regressing, and I can’t take it.” She shakes her head, and tears fall from her cheeks. I swipe them away with my thumbs. “I can’t go through it again, Colin. I can’t.”
“You won’t have to. Riley is here. You won’t be alone. Plus, you have me.” She looks me at warily. “You do. I’m your friend, and if you need me, Shay, I’ll be there.”
She shocks me when she pushes me away and moves to the other side of the couch. I miss her next to me already. “We’re not friends, Colin.”
That hurts. “What do you mean?”
“We’re fuck buddies, remember? But we’re not friends.” Saying it again is like she’s digging a dagger deeper into my heart.
Now panic rises in my chest. “Stop saying that.”
“Why?” she asks. “It’s the truth. It’s time we face it and stop burying our heads in the sand.”
“About what?”
“That I’m not who you want, Colin,” Shay says. “And I never will be. You want the Claire Watsons of the world. And that’s fine. That’s your choice, but I’m making mine. I refuse to be second-best, because I’m second to none.”
“Shay...”
“I appreciate you being here for me tonight. You didn’t have to come and check on me. You’re a good man, but you’re not my man. The man who loves me and wants me for me.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Can you honestly tell me otherwise? Are you going to say you want to date me for real? That you’re interested in seeing where this thing between us could go?”
Yes. No. Maybe. I wanted to make it right, but now I’m back to being confused. I just know I don’t like what she’s saying so I strike back. “I’ve always been honest about what I wanted. What we were. What this was. It’s not as cold as you’re making it seem.”
“It’s exactly that cut-and-dried. We don’t make love. We fuck. So let’s end it right now because that’s what we said we would do. When one or both of us decided to end it, it’s over.”
“What about my fitness program?” I’m grasping at straws. I don’t want us to be over.
“It’s best if we end that too,” she responds. “You’re well on your way to being fixed up. I’ve given you tools for your arsenal.”
My chest constricts. I can’t breathe. She’s cutting off all ties with me. I don’t want this, but I can’t seem to get the words out.
“Since we still have a couple of weeks left, just consider us paid up, okay? You were overpaying me, anyway.”
I shake my head. “No, I want to pay you. You need that money for the expansion.”
She frowns. “I don’t need your handout, Colin. The landlord is covering some of the construction and I have a little money saved up I can use if I need to.”
“You shouldn’t have to. We had a deal.” I didn’t come here tonight to end our relationship. I came to salvage it, to figure out the next step, but Shay doesn’t seem to care. I don’t understand. I thought she felt something for me. That night in the bridal suite told me we had a connection that was more than sex. Today in the studio, I felt it too.
This, right now—it has to be an act.
I don’t know what to say to convince her I want her, but maybe my actions can do the talking for me. I slide across the couch and, with little effort, swing her into my arms and start walking toward her bedroom.
She yelps. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Let me show you we’re not over yet.”
She hesitates and then wraps her arm around my neck.
I can get through to her in the bedroom. My body will communicate just how much she means to me.
I don’t want to lose her. I care about her. I’m going to change her mind and make her see she can’t give up on us.
She can’t give up on me.
Twenty-Nine
SHAY
One last time to remember him by.
That’s what I tell myself when he lays me down on the bed and kisses me. Something tiny, tender and fragile bursts into life inside of me.
Colin shucks off his clothes and quickly removes mine. Then he’s sliding into bed alongside me. Unlike earlier today, this time his touch is soft. He kisses the tip of my nose, then my chin, then he moves to my mouth and presses a long kiss against my lips.
His kisses grow more intense until eventually his tongue parts my lips hungrily. But just when I’m getting revved up, he slows us down, brushing his fingers along the underside of my breasts. Air hisses from between my teeth. All he has to do is touch me and my entire body comes alive.
When he dips his head to take my nipple in his mouth, I gasp out his name. “Colin.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He lifts his head and trails kisses to my ear where he tugs and teases me. Then he’s moving to my other breast, lazily toying with it between his finger and thumb.
“Do you like that?” he asks. His tongue circles the sensitive bud before he suckles my flesh.
“You know I do.” I don’t tell him to stop because it feels too good. He releases my breasts from the heated embrace of his tongue to venture south, where I’m already wet.
My legs open wide so Colin can stroke me with his fingers, first one, then two, then I’m nearly undone. I need him. I must say the words out loud, because Colin brings his mouth to my sex to tease and lick me, whipping me into a frenzy. My brain empties, and I can think of nothing but the pleasure he’s giving me.
It doesn’t take long for Colin to bring me to the edge, but instead of taking me over he stops and levers himself upward so he can put on protection. Then he slowly sinks into me, all the way. It’s heaven and hell because this is our last time together. I won’t hold back. What do I have to lose?
He begins moving rhythmically, pressing forward, withdrawing, pressing and withdrawing. Ripples of pleasure build inside me, but I don’t close my eyes, and neither does he. His eyes are dark as they peer into mine. I move with him, unrestrained in the fierceness of my passion and love for this man. Yes, love.
I was afraid to admit it to him in words, and not even with my body, but tonight I’m free.
Colin’s thrusts become harder, faster, deeper. Each stroke builds my desire to a fever pitch. I can’t tell where he ends and I begin. I don’t want him to stop, so when he thrusts one final time I cry out as the entire world falls away, and my orgasm crashes over me in waves.
“I love you. I love you.”
For tonight, right now, I’m free to express my feelings.
Colin’s answer is a tortured groan of agony as he crushes me to him, pinning me with his hips. Then his whole body shudders with release.
Heat floods my veins, and I wrap my arms around him, pressing my lips to his. I’m closer to Colin than I’ve ever been with anyone. We’ve had sex often, but this is the first time it feels like we made love.
We’re silent for several beats. I know he heard me. The words I haven’t spoken in so long because I was afraid to feel them after my father and then my ex left me. Words I don’t even think I meant during my first marriage but that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I mean now.
And it changes everything.
* * *
Colin pulls away from me to take care of the condom before returning to sit on the side of the bed. His back is to me, but I know what he’s thinking.
I said the L-word.
The dreaded word that changes moments like these.
“How long have you felt this way?” Colin asks, not looking at me.
“I don’t know.” I pull the sheets up to cover my nakedness. My reply is honest but not what he wants to hear.
He turns to me, and his eyes dart back and forth as if he wants to escape. He’d rather be anywhere but here in this moment. There’s regret in his dark brown eyes. My throat closes in my chest like I can’t breathe because I don’t want to hear the words that are coming next. Words that signal the end of our affair even though it’s exactly what I said earlier that we should do.
“I’m sorry, Shay, but I don’t feel the same way.”
I nod. Even though I don’t like his answer, I’ve said my truth. I don’t have to lie to him or to myself. My heart aches, but I have always known I wasn’t enough for Colin.
He rises to his feet and starts to dress. When he’s done, he looks at me. “I care about you, Shay. You may not believe this right now. But you’ve changed me. Made me rethink everything. How I need to live my life for me and not my father. Who I want to be with. My entire future. We’ve never been just fucking. Even though you drive me crazy. I like you. A lot. You’re amazing.”
Damn him. Why does he have to be so nice when he’s breaking my heart?
“I’m going to let myself out.” He can because I gave him the code weeks ago because I trust him. Not just with my body, but with my heart, which is shattered.
I don’t watch him leave. Instead I fall back against the bed. When I’m sure he’s gone, I let out a heartbroken cry.
* * *
The sun rises the next morning like normal, even though my world flipped on its axis. I don’t bother getting out of bed, which is something I’ve never done. I ask Dawn to cover my yoga classes and call in sick. I don’t have it in me to be the positive Zen instructor my clients need.
I’ve become my mother.
And that propels me out of bed.
