“It’s not as bad as it looks. Don’t even worry about it, I’m fine. So are we gonna get-”

  Chandler interrupted, “That is not fine! Gideon, pay attention! Come inside now and let one of us stitch you up. Tell him, Lisa.”

  Lisa, overcoming her shock at the sight of my scratches, took me by the arm and said, “Come with me right now! Let me take a look at those lacerations.” Yeah right, like she was a doctor. Ha.

  Still, I went along with her just to pacify everybody. Once in the infirmary, Cynthia did all the actual stitching (she was pretty good at anything involving a needle and thread). Javier watched the whole procedure like he was going to be sick. He practically had tears in his eyes when he and Benjamin started telling me how sorry they were. I could tell they were going to fixate on that whole abandonment thing if I didn’t say something.

  “Guys, guys, it’s okay, see? Don’t even-”

  Chandler interrupted me again to tell me, “Quit saying that! We’re all going to worry about it. You just about got killed because these two pieces of *$%^&* left you to die! That is not acceptable!” I thought what was truly unacceptable was Chandler’s crude reference to feces.

  Jackie joined in by telling Javier and Benjamin, “You disgust me,” then she looked away like they were the most vile creatures ever to crawl the earth.

  Even Pepper seemed genuinely upset, delivering an oratory fit for a sewer, if sewers could talk. She kinda went on and on with poor Javier and Benjamin just standing there and taking it all.

  Eventually Lisa had me tell the full story of what happened. I knew they wouldn’t believe me, but I told the whole thing anyway. I figured they’d all think I was nuts, but that was okay, I was used to it.

  The way everybody was still angry at my friends was really starting to get on my nerves so I had to put my foot down, “Look, if those two had stayed, they’d be dead, no question. It took more than I had for just me to get out of there alive, so there’s no way they could have made it. So just let it go. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you that it’s okay.”

  Then I looked right at Javier and Benjamin and gave them a little of the Good Spell, “Look, I’m the only one here who has a right to be mad about you two taking off and leaving me, and I forgive you. Now, that ought to be good enough. But if it isn’t, then you might want to try praying about it. If you won’t accept my forgiveness then maybe you’ll take it from the Good Lord. This is a prison, so there’s got to be a bible around here somewhere.”

  With that, the harmony of our little family wasn’t exactly repaired, but it was patched. The next morning Javier got to work on improving the prison’s defenses. He was able to expand and deepen our two ponds, bringing them together in the north and south to form a fully functioning moat. He used the excavated earth to form a berm and a glacis sloping away from the prison (my idea). I plotted a hidden trap just inside the moat, between the front gates, in case any bandits thought that they could just slap a couple boards over our moat, drive across, and smash through the fence.

  Bennie and Benjamin took a car and went to a remote truck stop to get some diesel in case the bulldozer’s tank ran dry. Since the gas pumps wouldn’t work without electricity and they had no hand pump, their plan was to siphon or puncture the gas tanks of whatever trucks proved available. Chandler, Pepper, and Jackie all took turns maintaining vigil from the main watchtower. Lisa got to work constructing a draw bridge to go over the moat (actually, it was just a few boards that she nailed together which we could slide over the water whenever necessary, but I liked to call it a drawbridge). Cynthia, bless her heart, did my laundry. That might not sound like much to you, but she somehow managed to restore my beautiful red cloak to a passable approximation of its former glory.

  I remember Pepper asking me all about the outside world, she couldn’t get enough. After my most recent adventure everyone was much more willing to listen. I told them all about how to kill the Changed, about how easy it is if you know what you’re doing. They liked that.

  We even got around to using the tools in the prison workshop to repurpose some farm tools into fairly decent tridents. Bennie proved to be especially experienced at that sort of work; I came to understand that he used to be a farrier.

  After a few days of that everyone was feeling much more comfortable about our situation. That’s when Jackie noted that the prison, being a men’s prison, had a serious lack of certain feminine hygiene products; products she really wanted. The whole subject made me kind of uncomfortable but the upshot of it was the need for somebody to make a trip into Middletown.

  When we’d went north to the stone quarry I’d made a major point of avoiding Middletown, based on the principle ‘don’t borrow trouble’. I’d seen no point in tempting fate while we were already on a mission. Middletown was located just north of the prison and probably only had a few hundred zombies in it. It’s never safe to rely on guesswork, but if I’d had to, I’d have said probably not more than one or two ogres or ghouls. It seemed safe enough, as these things go.

  Bennie decided to make the trip. I’d been telling him all about my travels and I guess he thought he was ready for some adventure. Also, he was kinda sweet on Jackie and probably thought nothing says ‘I care’ quite like a big box of tampons.

  At first the whole situation made me wonder what girls did about that kind of thing back in the Middle Ages, before we had that stuff; and what we’d do once it was all gone. Then, when I realized what I was thinking about, I just about threw up. I’m a firm believer that there are things which Man Was Not Meant To Know, and anything in the feminine hygiene isle of a supermarket tops that list, right underneath how to summon a demon.

  Jackie wanted to come along, too, like it was some kind of shopping trip. Once she brought the idea up, everybody came up with something to add to the shopping list. The only one with a lick of sense was Cynthia, and that was probably only because she had three kids to look after, with no time left over to be dumb.

  So the four of us, Bennie, Jackie, Tracer, and I, made our way in one of the cars remaining in the prison parking lot. We had a couple of home made tridents sticking out of the trunk, and I made sure to bring Mary Ann along for the trip even though I don’t usually do that. She’s a big girl and kind of heavy. I wouldn’t be able to haul very much stuff with her in hand. Not just her of course; I’d be taking Polly, Abby (and Buttercup, too, of course), Bob, and Zippy also. That’s a lot of extra weight. I was afraid that I might need all the extra firepower I could get with a couple of total novices running around getting into trouble.

  Right off things went bad. It started in the car when I, seated in the back seat, said, “Okay, let’s park just up ahead, off the side of the road. We can sneak in and clear a house on the fringe of town to act as a forward base. If we’re quiet about it, then...” Nobody was listening. Jackie was off in la la land, probably thinking about all the loot she hoped to scavenge; Bennie was totally focused on the road ahead, not listening to a word.

  I decided to try again, “Hey, Bennie, we’re getting, you know, too close. Slow down unless you want all the zombies in town to know we’re here.” Actually, we could make that work too, if that was the plan. It would have been simple enough to draw out the Changed from the town; like drawing an infected sliver from a thumb. Then, when the faster Changed came ahead of the mob, we could kill all the ghouls and ogres, leaving us with only the sluggish dead to evade.

  The way Bennie kept his focus on the road made me think that was his plan all along. Still, it was weird how he was so tense and tight lipped about it. Him being so nervous made me nervous.

  We drove past the city limits and all the dead came out to play. That’s when I came to realize that Bennie was in a bad way. It was like the lights were on but nobody was home. I yelled in his ear, “Turn the car around, you dummy!” but to no effect. It was like he was driving in his sleep, except not as alertly.

  At first only the occasional zombie came stumbling along our way, but before long they were out in force. There must’ve been about a thousand. That’s when Bennie finally snapped out of his fear induced mental retreat and began cursing a blue streak, swerving the car around, and firing the gun I’d gave him out the window. It took him all of five seconds to empty his clip. I was glad to see him retain enough intelligence so that he didn’t throw the empty firearm at the zombies. That would have been embarrassing.

  Coincidentally, that’s when Jackie came fully awake and began screaming at the top of her lungs. I’d noticed her getting more and more fearful the more zombies appeared on the street, but once Bennie lost it Jackie felt justified in fully joining in the panic.

  From my point of view there was nothing left to do but wait for the inevitable crash. I figured once we got that over with, then maybe we could make our way out of town in a more rational and effective manner. I made doubly sure that my safety belt was buckled and also made sure Tracer was at my feet, wedged in tight.

  Being pursued by a bumbling and slowly creeping crowd, we did crash, but not as well as I could have hoped. For some crazy reason Bennie had driven the car onto the lawn between Fred’s Farm Factory and the Four Pillars Baptist Church. We bottomed out and couldn’t get any of the doors open (I didn’t even try) because the walls of the two buildings had us sandwiched in between them. Up until then I’d thought Jackie was giving it her all, screaming without reservation, but when that door refused to budge she entered into a frenzy one doesn’t generally expect to find apart from a demoniac. Meanwhile, Bennie had figured out how to reload his pistol and began shooting the windshield, trying to remove it as an impediment to his escape.

  Actually, our situation wasn’t all that bad. I only saw one ogre coming our way with no ghouls in attendance. The only way I could tell it was an ogre was because its steady gait caused it to outstrip all of its companions; other than that it looked like a slightly rotten grade school teacher, or maybe a librarian, in tattered clothes. I calmly shot out the back window, brought up Mary Ann, and firing through the back window, put a single bullet through the ogre’s forehead.

  By the time I’d finished off that threat the others had pulled themselves through the shattered windshield and were climbing over the hood. That’s when a few more of the mob came around the corner from up ahead. We were boxed in; zombies before us and zombies behind.

  While Bennie and Jackie panicked their way onto the roof of the car I opened my pack and took out some rope. From the car top it proved a simple matter to jump up high enough to grab onto the gently sloping tin roof of the farm supply shop. Once I’d accessed the roof, I jumped across the way to the slightly higher church roof. Without bothering to attempt any form of communication I lassoed Jackie and heaved her up with me (she could have afforded to lose a few pounds). The action surprised her so much that she actually shut up (which was nice). With zombies closing in on Bennie’s position I dropped him the rope and quickly tied it to the steeple. He climbed with an admirable alacrity. That only left Tracer.

  I decided to leave him down there. Zombies don’t care about him all that much. As long as Tracer didn’t try and get rough he’d be fine, and I didn’t plan on being up there for very long, anyway.

  But, first things first. “Hey Bennie, remember when we were planning this little expedition?” He was still in full flight mode and unable to respond. I’d never seen anyone so inept at basic survival skills in my entire life. I had a new appreciation for just how lucky my new friends had been before I’d come along. Basically, they’d been waiting to die until I showed up.

  I sat down next to my two human companions and offered each of them a drink of apple juice. Neither of them took me upon it. It looked like I was in for a wait, since I couldn’t make my next move until they both came to their senses.

  With nothing better to do, I began singing hymns. It seemed like the right thing to do, being trapped on a church roof and all. For whatever reason that’s what brought my friends back to themselves. I’m not saying it’s because I’m such a great singer (although I am pretty good), I’m just saying that as soon as they heard me intoning ‘Joy to the World’ they both came to their senses simultaneously and immediately.

  Jackie spoke first, “We’re all gonna die, aren’t we?” Wow, what a downer. Also, if you think about it the answer is kind of obvious, but not how she meant it.

  Bennie answered, “I’m sorry Jackie. I did this. I got us in way over my head. I had no idea it was so horrible. I thought if a kid,” by which he meant me, “could survive then so could anyone. I thought it was easy.”

  She said, “It’s not your fault.” Actually I thought it kind of was his fault. I mean, where did that guy get his license, a Cracker Jack box? “I thought it would be a quick little trip. I thought, deep down, that they would all be dead from whatever made them like this. How can they still be alive? How can there still be so many?”

  I had to interject, “What, exactly, led you to believe that they’d all just drop over dead?” I pulled my grey overcoat up, “Remember these cuts? How did you suppose they got there?”

  Jackie replied, “I don’t know. I didn’t think. I mean, you survived even after being abandoned and still managed to bring back a bulldozer. Bennie has a gun. We should have been safe. How can this be happening? It’s like the first day all over again.”

  Amid the curious questions and exclamations of my companions, I climbed the steeple until I got to the long skinny part near the top. Once there I fished a string saw out of an inner pocket and began sawing away.

  “Timber!” I managed to catch the makeshift pole before it fell. I took out my stabber with the hollow handle and affixed it to the end of the steeple tip with a screw I keep for that purpose. Then I was good to go.

  “Just give me a minute and I’ll get all these undead cleared away, okay?” With a pike the task seemed like it would prove more time consuming than difficult.

  “What are you doing?” asked Bennie. He and Jackie had crawled on their hands and knees up to the edge of the roof to watch me work.

  I didn’t answer because I thought the answer self evident. I was stabbing zombie brains, of course. What else would I be doing? With my neat new pike I had all the reach in the world, and the zombies were in a bad position to reach up and try and take my stick away. The trick was to only need one thrust each, that saved on a lot of extra work and made the whole process so much more efficient.

  After skull piercing a hundred or so (not that I was counting) I let Bennie have a turn. I told him, “That’s our only spear. So if you drop it, you go get it, understand?” That was my idea of a joke, a way to lighten the mood. Nobody laughed but me. Bennie was all serious with the way he took the pike from me, like it was Excalibur or something. He promised to be careful.

  When he’d been at it a while, Jackie wanted to know, “How come they, all the zombies, came over here? How did they know where we were?”

  I enlightened her, “The car driving around the town was kind of a dead giveaway. Get it? ‘Dead’ giveaway? Zombies tend to home in on that sort of thing. If we’d turned around sooner we could have led them all out of town, and renamed the place ‘Hamelin’.” She didn’t get the reference, but that was okay.

  I continued, “Once we crashed I’m pretty sure everything in the Western Hemisphere heard you screaming. I mean, wow, you could deafen a banshee. But that’s a good thing, see? Now we get to kill them all at our leisure. Not exactly plan A, and a little more exciting than I would have liked for a first outing with a couple of newbs, but here we are.” I could see the zombie killing was coming along nicely. Bennie had figured out how to get into the swing of it, and had a real nice metronomic rhythm established.

  Looking down on the pile of dead I asked everyone to move along the side of the roof to a new location. One where the mass of dead didn’t threaten to pile up to our level. Then I gave Jackie a turn with the zombie sticker.

  She was initially reluctant. “I don’t know if I can,” she said. She was so silly.

  I helped her out with, “Don’t worry, it’s easy. Fun, too. You’ll see.” I am an excellent teacher. After my words of encouragement she got right into it. After fifteen minutes or so she was piercing zombie heads like she’d been doing it her whole life.

  Once the last of our would be murderers were dispatched I got us down from the roof, gave Tracer a big hug and a bunch of petting, and went back to our stuck car to get the rest of our stuff. I hot wired another car and we did a little shopping. And by shopping I meant looting. Don’t get me wrong, there were still a few zombies loitering around inside the shops, but they were no big deal. I got Bennie to stab one with a trident and force it to the ground, so Jackie could finish it off with her own weapon. Even though we’d had a rocky beginning, the day proved to be all very profitable and educational, time well spent.

  When we got back home everyone acted like we were Saint Nick fresh from the North Pole, it was embarrassing. As we were dolling out the goods I made sure to give Pepper a bunch of candy bars, even though she hadn’t specifically asked for them. When it comes to being the guy who makes the first gesture, building bridges, mending fences, et cetera, I’m totally the champ.

  With the town cleared of hostiles we got a lot of stuff. Also, I was able to convince everyone to help me haul down a bunch of solar panels from the roof of the local cop shop. I don’t know what they were doing up there, but Chandler told me it was part of some government sponsored environmental action (GSEA) program. Whatever. with those and several car batteries we were able to get a little electricity for the prison. It took some doing to figure out how to hook everything up, we even had to drill a couple new holes in the frames of a few doors and run an extension cord from the roof. Quite a hassle, but eventually we had enough electricity to use the security cameras, power the laundry room, and run the kitchen as long as we didn’t overdo it.

 

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