when you doubt yourself, when you think that you don’t belong, when you question your purpose, do you even consider how miraculous it is that you are here? the proof of your belonging, your purpose, your being, is all quite simply answered by your very presence. it is woven into you. it is in every breath of air that took thousands of years to belong to you.

  you are not a question to be answered.

  you simply are.

  and that is enough.

  while you spent your nights dreaming

  i spent mine trying to absorb you

  attempting to take captive your essence

  and carry it with me when the sun rises

  i do not count sheep at night

  i count the ways that i can keep you

  what makes your love so special

  is that it isn’t something profound.

  it is uncomplicated.

  it is easy.

  it’s flowers just because

  it’s tacos for breakfast

  and make sure you text me

  when you make it home safe.

  it isn’t anxious or impatient.

  for so long i clung to this misconception

  that love had to be chaotic.

  i thought that the only love that was powerful was one that was out of control.

  you are not a storm,

  you are not chaos,

  you are love.

  and i was wrong.

  you say that you’re not good at much

  but i’ve never seen someone love

  the way you do

  and i think that is the greatest good

  a person can ever be

  i refuse to believe that the words i love you are like birthday cake. three words, reserved for special occasions, only to be given out topped with candles and frosting at the perfect moment.

  i use the words i love you casually, and recklessly at times. but i’ve found that birthday cake is better at midnight and i love you is better when you don’t hesitate, when you don’t wait for an occasion to say it.

  so here it is,

  i love you.

  not in the special occasion kind of way.

  in the coffee in the morning on a tuesday kind of way. i love you in chalk on a sidewalk, in little post-it notes, and in extra smiles when you come home. i love you in the language of everyday things.

  in seeing you at the end of each day,

  in listening to every word you say.

  i love you in the language of birthday cake

  when it’s nobody’s birthday.

  i’ve never been one to expect blue skies

  i’ve never been one to anticipate the best.

  that makes trust difficult for me.

  that makes placing my hope in people impossible.

  this is how i knew you were special.

  the moment i met you,

  trust became easy.

  anticipating the best wasn’t so difficult for me.

  i’ve never met someone who’s very nature

  drew sunlight from within me.

  the moment i met you,

  i started anticipating skies that were blue.

  everything that was difficult for me

  became easy when i was with you.

  a flower that is admired often

  does not become more beautiful

  in the same way

  a flower that is never seen

  does not become less extraordinary

  attention is not a fair measurement of beauty

  i finally found a book

  that i couldn’t put down

  but this time, this book was a person

  and i wanted you to know

  that i’ve only started chapter one

  but i already know that i would read this book again

  and again

  and again

  i might even bend the pages on my favorite parts though i’ve been told

  you’re not supposed to do that

  if there is anything i’ve learned

  it’s that love doesn’t care about rules

  i know that all books come with endings

  but endings are the least of the things

  i would risk to love you

  endings are the last on the list

  of things that will never scare me away

  because i finally found a book

  that i couldn’t put down

  and if it’s alright with you

  i think i’d like to keep what i’ve found

  to simply call her pretty

  is to call the ocean a puddle

  don’t underestimate

  her depth

  i shared my favorite song with you

  and i know that you weren’t aware

  but that was my way of saying i love you

  because every feeling music floods me with

  i wanted you to feel it too

  it wasn’t love at first sight

  that isn’t to say

  that i was not mesmerized when i met you

  but rather it is to say that there was something far more captivating than the way you looked

  i didn’t fall in love when i found you

  i fell in love with what i found in you

  they say that love is complicated

  but it’s not complicated

  people are complicated

  love is simple

  it is making two cups of coffee in the morning

  instead of one

  it is “text me when you get home”

  “call me when you need to”

  listening without saying a word

  it is “this song reminds me of you”

  it is “i understand how you feel”

  and “with you i become a little bit more real”

  it is inventing a million reasons to keep talking

  even though it’s late at night

  it’s using “see you later”

  as a substitute for goodbye

  don’t get me wrong

  love is effort

  love is not ease

  but it isn’t quite as complicated

  as they want you to believe

  let me see you broken

  let me see you bleeding

  let me see you crying

  let me see you at your worst

  let me love you broken

  let me love you bleeding

  let me love you crying

  let me love you at your worst

  in case you were wondering

  there is a love

  that will offer you both independence and support

  there is a love that holds you

  without pinning your wings down

  there is a love that simultaneously stops your heart and makes it easier to breathe

  you do not have to be alone to grow

  can we get dressed up in the kind of clothing

  that royalty wears?

  can we eat fancy food?

  can we run through fields of tall grass?

  can we pretend that we own this kingdom?

  can we get dressed down?

  can we put on oversized t-shirts?

  can we put on all gray and go for a drive in the rain?

  can we get wrapped up in blankets

  and listen to pretty music?

  can we be the kings and queens of blanket forts?

  i’ve ruined relationships

  because of unrealistic expectations

  this time

  i recognize my tendency

  to focus on myself

  you are you

  and i am me

  and i will be grateful

  for the parts of you

  that you decide to share

  she said i love you

  the words were the same

  as all the i love yous i had heard before.

  except it was as if she spoke to me

  in another font,

  one that was more exquisite.

  the words curled from her lips

  in a way that gently persuaded me to trust them.

  she spoke the phrase

  but it was as if she had inscribed it on my heart

  with her own handwriting.

  i like to think of life like i am walking along a beach

  collecting moments shaped like seashells

  and each one is unique

  every shell has a story to tell

  and every once in a while

  i find one that is extra special

  it is shaped differently

  or it is bright blue

  i think that one of those seashells

  was the moment i met you

  you’re nothing like me

  in the best way possible

  ~magnets

  if i die today

  i think this would be my parting advice:

  live in this moment and love with no restraints. realize that taking life slowly and absorbing the small things is not wasting time. drink the coffee one sip at a time and spend the extra 15 minutes on the phone with your best friend.

  do not worry so much about the weather.

  don’t take it all so seriously

  but if you take something seriously

  let it be this.

  this is not a rehearsal.

  this is not a practice run.

  this is not a test.

  this is your life.

  do not disregard how rare it is.

  she speaks about the stars

  as if she has held hands with each of them

  and learned their deepest desires

  never let go of a person

  who puts one hand in yours

  and stirs the galaxies with the other

  there is little value

  in the good you do

  because it is easy

  but the good you do

  despite the difficulty

  is priceless

  kindness demands more

  than your leftovers

  stop chasing me with nets

  and trying to hold me down with pins

  i am meant to be free

  ~to the butterfly collector

  i was accepted

  they called me pretty

  they called me perfect

  they called me theirs

  and i hated myself

  i never felt more empty

  than when the majority called me loved

  i can never seem

  to capture in words

  the way that you look to my eyes

  but this is how

  i would encapsulate you

  if i had to try

  the stars came down

  and kissed the earth

  and left some light behind

  and somehow that light

  turned into you

  and somehow you became mine

  now every night

  i thank the stars

  that you are in my life

  how fortunate i am

  to hold the stars

  when i hold your hand in mine

  i am in love with people

  who don’t cover their window on airplanes

  ~cloud walkers

  you undressed me with your eyes

  not in the way others did before.

  you weren’t searching beneath my clothing

  for your satisfaction.

  you were searching beyond my facade

  for my soul.

  that is the first time someone

  tried to find me that way.

  you were the first

  to search me further than my skin.

  ~redefining naked

  goodness is gravity

  the right people

  will pull you

  you leave me empty in all the best ways

  empty of the doubt

  that no one will be able to love me

  empty of the certainty

  that i will always be a little bit short

  of what someone is looking for

  empty of all the things

  i was never meant to be full of

  so much time i wasted looking

  for someone to make me feel full

  i never realized that being emptied

  was always what i needed more

  please claim your space in the universe

  dress yourself with intention

  wake up and scream to the world

  “i am here”

  i have a theory

  that people are made of stars

  because we often underestimate

  all that we are

  we perceive ourselves small

  like dust in the sky,

  when in reality

  we are not tiny lights

  we are powerful masses

  of fire and flame

  and the void flinches

  at the sound of our name

  i have a theory

  that people are made of stars

  stop being timid

  the sky is ours

  don’t let your eyes deceive you

  clocks are not circular

  and you’re never going to live

  this 2 p.m. on a thursday again

  there is no such thing

  as an ordinary moment

  i think the reason

  they tell you

  to soak in the sunlight

  is because it is possible

  to be drenched in light

  the same way

  you were once

  drenched in rain

  if i fail at everything else

  but succeed at love

  that is enough

  you are my sunshine

  for today.

  maybe not forever

  but for today.

  when i first chose the sections of this book, i thought that sunny would be the last one. as if joy, love, and light was the destination. but life doesn’t have definitive destinations. we are constantly changing and moving. this last section is intended to help you embrace that movement. of course, there is nothing wrong with chasing the good and joy in life but there is peace in embracing that you won’t always be in a sunshine state of mind.

  keep going, not for the expectation of sunlight but rather for the pursuit of experiencing everything you can in this life.

  i interlaced my fingers with the clouds

  and attempted to pull the sky to the ground

  as if i needed the clouds to rest on my shoulders

  to validate how rain soaked i already felt

  something strange happened

  i attempted to bring the sky to me

  but instead of pulling the clouds down

  the clouds pulled me

  they told me i didn’t need them

  to validate my storm or my rain

  i never needed an explanation

  to feel my pain

  let go of what you can’t control

  and focus on the things you can

  the rain will come

  but you can carry an umbrella

  welcome to my mind

  i hope you are well

  but if you’re not

  i hope somewhere in this book

  you found that

  your unwellness

  is the same as mine

  even if you will not admit it

  an ember still burns within you

  a light still radiates from you

  a small sentence whispers within you

  “i will go on”

  is that not reason enough?

  watch the sunset

  notice how the light goes away slowly

  then all at once

  notice how the sky changes

  from golden to blue to black

  watch the sunrise

  notice how the light appears slowly

  then all at once

  notice how the sky changes

  from black to blue to golden

  this is how it is meant to be

  the light is meant to come and go

  but never to leave entirely

  my world did end when i was 16

  and again when i was 18

  and briefly this morning

  when i couldn’t move from my bed.

  i do not have much hope that it will not end again

 

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