OCDaniel, page 15
We walked for a while in silence.
“What are we going to do about John?” I asked, changing the subject.
“We almost have a case,” she said thoughtfully. “But it’s not ready. We might have a weapon, but we don’t know anything else.” She paused. “We need a body.”
I felt my skin go cold. “You mean—”
“We need to find my dad,” she said quietly. “There’s no murder until that. Just accusations.”
“How are we going to figure that out?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “That’s the next step.” She turned to me. “I know this is getting heavy. If you want out, I’ll understand. You’ve helped me a ton, and I really appreciate it. You’ve done enough.”
I was tempted to take her up on the offer. But I knew I couldn’t.
“We’ll figure something out.”
She smiled. “Thanks. Want to know what I do sometimes?”
“Sure.”
She suddenly took off, running like mad. I was so surprised, I just stood there for a moment, stunned. She was sprinting through a meadow of tall grass almost reaching up to her waist like she was wading in the water. Her ponytail bounced around madly.
“Sara?” I called.
I did the only thing that made any sense: I took off after her, chasing her across the field. She was surprisingly fast.
She was halfway to the next field when she stopped, laughing and bending over. I caught up to her, doubling over myself with cramps.
“What was that about?”
She looked at me, smiling. “Freedom.”
I shook my head, but we both started to laugh as we straightened up.
“You know . . . I kind of had a crush on you,” she said.
“You did?”
“Yeah. A couple of years ago. I thought you were strange, but in the best kind of way.”
I felt the tingling again. “Why are you telling me that?”
She shrugged. “Felt like it. Never told anyone, as you might have guessed.”
“Yeah,” I murmured.
She waved a hand. “Don’t worry. I know you like Raya, and I have a new crush anyway.”
“Who?”
She frowned. “None of your business. Now let’s get back. I’ll try not to act bonkers anymore.”
“That would be nice.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me back toward town.
“Come on. We have a murder to solve. Try to stay focused, Daniel.”
We hurried back to the road, and I tried to make sense of Sara Malvern.
CHAPTER 21
I had kind of thought that knowing what I had and being able to call it something would make it better. But when I went to bed that night, I stood in front of the mirror brushing my teeth and wondered if I could just stop it now. If I could just brush however many times I wanted and put the toothbrush away.
I looked at myself carefully. I focused on my eyes because everyone says they are the window to the soul and I wanted to know if my soul was fixed. I’m not sure if I believe in souls, of course, though I would certainly like to. Or at least I hoped my malfunctioning amygdala would stop being such a jerk.
I went to put the toothbrush down and got Zapped. I felt my insides go hard and the back of my neck tingle, and the thought went through my head that said, I did that wrong and now I can’t breathe and I’m going to die in my sleep. And then my insides got worse and I started brushing my teeth like normal.
It’s funny to be a prisoner of yourself. Like you’re being bullied by your own mind and you’re afraid of it, but it’s also you and it’s extremely confusing. I brushed for twenty minutes more, and when I was done, my gums were bleeding again.
And then it was thirty minutes to leave the bathroom and an hour at the light switch, and when I finally went to bed, I stared at the ceiling and wondered what the point of mental illness was. Like, if it was just that something was broken or if they were there for a reason. Maybe I was a Star Kid. Maybe I was special.
But when I fell asleep, I was crying again, and I didn’t feel special at all.
• • •
Monday was a strange day at school. Taj was calling me “Dan the Man” and guys were shaking my shoulders and shouting “State championship!” all day, which was nice but also a bit jarring. I would come out of the bathroom, and someone would do it. Or when I tried to eat my bologna sandwich and Taj hit me on the back and I dropped it on the table. I lost the slice of cheese, and it wasn’t the same after.
I ran into Sara between periods when I went to the bathroom. By now her TA was beginning to expect that we would talk, and she just smiled at me and took out her phone. Sara stopped beside me.
“She said you must be very special to make me talk,” Sara said.
I flushed. “Oh. What did you tell her?”
“I nodded. I had a nice walk yesterday.”
“Me too.”
She leaned in a little. “I have a plan.”
I looked at her in surprise. “Already?”
“I have time,” she said. “This Sunday? Can you make it?”
“I guess.”
She smiled. “Good. Have fun in math.”
“Thanks,” I muttered.
She took off like she had never even stopped, and her TA hurried after her.
I had an even stranger encounter with Raya. We were leaving last class after the bell, and I was heading for my locker and then down to the locker room to resignedly change into practice gear. We were practicing every day leading up to the state championship, which was on Saturday morning. The Erie Hills Elephants had never won a state championship, so this was a pretty big deal to everyone but me. I had been slapped on the back twenty-one times and had talked to the team more than I had in the previous two years combined.
“Hey!” a familiar voice called out behind me.
I turned around, and my stomach did its usual flutter as Raya hurried toward me. She was wearing a wry smile. She had on a white blouse and a Technicolor shawl wrapped around her neck and dangling down to a wide leather belt. I don’t know why I always noticed her clothes. I guess I tried to read her mood or intentions in them. If I had to guess today, it was that she cared about her appearance a lot for some reason, because she was extra stylish and her hair was nice.
“Hey,” I said.
She stopped, her hands in her pockets. “Didn’t talk to you much today.”
Was that a question? “I know,” I said. “I guess the football team was around a lot.”
She smiled. “You’re one of them now, I guess.”
“Until I miss a kick and blow the championships.”
“Basically.”
There was a moment of silence. Was I supposed to say something else? Think, Daniel!
She beat me to it. “So my dad wasn’t overly thrilled that he caught us kissing.”
I felt my cheeks go crimson. “Oh.”
“He’s not going to, like, beat you up or something. He just wanted to know who you were.”
“Did you give him my address?”
She laughed. “He’s not a hit man. I told him it was a game. But I did tell him your name and stuff and that you aren’t a jerk and that you were really embarrassed.”
“All true.”
“Anyway, he said he doesn’t, like, ban you from my house or hanging out with me or anything.”
My brain was working really hard to map this all out, but it was a lot to process.
“That’s good. I guess I’ll never be the outlawed bad boy of your dreams, then.”
Did I just say that? She broke out laughing, and somehow her hand found her way to my arm.
“I guess not,” she said. “You’re stuck being the nice guy. But you’re allowed around, so that’s good.” Her hand fell away quickly and went back to her pocket. I saw Max watching me, smirking.
“Yeah,” I said, uncertain.
“See you tomorrow, Dan,” she said. And then she was gone, and I was very confused.
Max appeared beside me, still wearing that knowing grin. “You look like a fire hydrant.”
“I don’t get girls.”
He laughed and pushed me toward my locker. “Join the club.”
• • •
“How?” Coach Clemons asked. “We’re at the fifteen, Dan. The fifteen!”
I shrugged. “I’m just not a very good kicker, Coach.”
“I am!” Kevin volunteered. We were taking turns kicking now that Kevin was back, and even though he wasn’t nearly 100 percent, he was still hitting a lot more frequently than me. Unfortunately, Coach was apparently now convinced that I was a good-luck charm and insisted that I was starting on Saturday, despite both of our objections.
“You’re just not focusing,” Coach Clemons said. “You need to focus.”
He looked like he had aged five years since play-offs had started. There were at least twice the gray hairs in his bristly mustache, and I’m pretty sure he was now balding beneath his Erie Hills ball cap. He definitely looked stressed most of the time, and there were veins on his temples that looked perilously close to bursting.
“Laps!” he shouted. “Five laps and then we try the red zone play again.”
A chorus of groans went up, and I dejectedly joined the group as they started for the track. Kevin came up beside me, glancing at me with his small dark eyes and a very sour expression on his face.
“I should be playing.”
“I agree.”
“You stole my spot.”
I looked at him. “Take it back.”
“Don’t play coy with me!”
“I’m serious,” I said. “I hate playing. If I could go back to water boy, I would be happy.”
He snarled and ran past me. I let him go. The guys here would never believe that I actually didn’t want to play, and I had a feeling that Kevin was planning on taking me out somehow, so I was going to stay clear of him. As much as I didn’t want to play, I didn’t want to get beat up either.
As we ran, I saw Coach going over some plays with the assistant coach, yelling and spitting and just generally going crazy. It was funny how seriously they all took football. No one seemed to care about the other things going on when practice ended.
“Rough practice,” Max said, appearing beside me.
“I know.”
“You’ll be fine. You’re two for two. One more play, and we’re there.”
I frowned. “Yeah. Is your dad coming to watch—”
“Yeah. Called last night. Said he wouldn’t miss the state championship.”
I could see Max clenching his fists as he ran. I knew he would be crazed all week again.
“We’ll win,” I said.
Max smiled. “That’s the spirit. You have a fan, by the way.”
I followed his gaze and saw Sara waiting by the school, watching us run.
“Two girls now?” Max asked me. “Who are you? What did you do with Dan?”
I shook my head resignedly. “I have no idea.”
CHAPTER 22
It turned out that Sara’s mom was just late picking Sara up. Sara had been sitting alone in the front and had decided to come watch us practice. We went back to the front to wait for her mom, and even though I saw some of the guys grinning and shooting me weird looks as they rode away with their parents, I didn’t leave. I guess I was trying so hard to be a decent football player that I was too tired to try to be cool, too.
In any case, we sat there on the curb and talked as the sun headed toward the hills.
“I don’t even really want rides from her,” Sara said, “for obvious reasons. But it’s a bit of a far walk. I mean, if we end up proving John’s guilt and she’s involved, then I guess I’ll have to figure it out.”
I paused. “What would happen to you?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m thirteen, so I guess I would become legal custody of my grandparents. Except I’m not sure they want me either. They’re nice, but that doesn’t mean they want a kid on antidepressant medication living there. No one does, really. So maybe foster care or something.”
I watched as Tom Dernt rode away, watching me with a raised eyebrow.
“Maybe your mom had nothing to do with it.”
“I hope so. But it didn’t sound like it. And to be honest, she and my dad fought a lot.”
I glanced at her. “About you?”
“And other things. They fought about how much she worked and how she went out a lot, and sometimes about his drinking. He drank sometimes. But he was a good dad. Trust me.”
“You never said he drank.”
She shrugged. “He wasn’t, like, a raging drunk or anything.”
I didn’t want to say it, but I guess I had to. “And you’re definitely sure he didn’t just run away?”
She looked at me, her green eyes flashing. “Yes,” she said coldly. “Besides all the evidence we have been gathering, I just know he didn’t. He loved me, Dan. He was in my room every night reading to me and tucking me in and telling me he loved me. He would never have left me. Never. And if you even have to think that still, then maybe you shouldn’t be helping me after all.”
The sharpness in her voice caught me off guard. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head, not saying anything. For a minute or two we sat in silence as the rest of the team took off. Coach Clemons was last, and he just gave me a suspicious look like I should have been at home studying the playbook or something, even though my job was just to kick the ball sometimes.
“I miss him,” she said.
“I know.”
“He didn’t leave me, Dan. He knew my . . . condition. The panic attacks and the depression. He wouldn’t have left me.”
I put my hand on her knee. “I believe you.” I felt her leg twitch, and I pulled away.
“Sorry,” she murmured. “Don’t get touched much. Here. Look.” She pulled out her cell phone and opened the gallery. She scrolled through endless pictures of her and her dad—at the beach, hugging, hiking, at a dinner party, and just sitting together on the couch. I saw a lot of her dad in her: the green eyes and the dark hair. In every picture he was smiling and jovial and had his arm around her shoulders.
“Did you talk to him?” I asked quietly.
“Yes,” she whispered. “He was the only one in the world. Until you.”
I nodded. “He looks happy.”
She smiled sadly. “He was. That’s what I mean. There’s no way he ran.”
I nodded. “I guess so. But you said it yourself. There is no record of a murder. We need a body.”
“I told you . . . I have a plan.”
“That usually gets us into trouble.”
“And this will probably be no exception,” she said.
I sighed. “Figured.”
A blue sedan suddenly sped into the parking lot, and I recognized Sara’s mom at the wheel. She waved at me, and Sara rolled her eyes.
“You want a ride?”
I shook my head. “I’ll walk. Could use the fresh air.”
What I really meant was that I didn’t want to be in the car with Sara’s mother, since we were planning a way to get her and her boyfriend arrested for murder.
“Suit yourself,” she said. “See you tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
They drove away, and I started the walk home alone.
• • •
My dad got off work early that night, so we had dinner as a family. Steve of course wasn’t a fan of that, but my dad was there, so Steve had to show up and behave anyway. We even had pizza, which was usually our Saturday night routine. For a Monday it was unheard of.
My mom turned to Emma. “How was your day, dear?”
She shrugged. “Good. Had a test.”
“A?” Steve asked dryly.
“Probably,” she said.
“How about you, Steve?” my dad asked.
“Day was good.”
“He means the grades,” my mom said.
“No tests,” he said. “I’m passing everything.”
“Now that’s something to strive for,” my dad said sarcastically.
“Dan?” my mom asked.
“Fine.”
“How was practice?” Dad asked.
“Same as usual. Missed a bunch until the coach yelled at me.”
Steve snickered.
“It’s the game that counts,” my dad said. “You just need to—”
“Focus,” I finished. “I know.”
He nodded and went back to his pizza. Next to me Emma was nibbling on a cheese slice like a mouse, while Steve wolfed down the rest of the pizza on the other side. My mom had her eyes on me, and I slid my hand away from where I was moving my milk glass back and forth across the table. Eight times. I needed two more, but I could wait until she looked away again. As soon as she did, I snuck in two more moves and finally relaxed. I had left the pizza on the plate while I’d been doing it. When I was Zapped, the first thing to go was my appetite.
“How is everything else?” my mom asked. Her voice had changed a little. I wondered if she had seen the milk glass. Sometimes I thought she saw little things like that, but I was never sure.
“Fine,” I said.
She nodded. “Sleeping okay? I heard you moving around last night.”
My cheeks were burning now. I definitely wasn’t going to eat. “Fine. Restless, I guess.”
She stared at me for a moment. Why did she have to ask me in front of everyone?
“So how is Sara?” she said.
I glanced at her. “Fine . . .”
“I haven’t seen her around here in a bit. Do you still hang out?”
Emma was watching me now, smiling coyly. My dad was watching with equal interest.
“Yeah,” I said. “Sometimes.”
“What do you do?” Steve asked through a mouthful of pizza.
“Steve,” she said. “Not with your mouth full. But what do you do? Does she . . . talk much?”
I sighed. “What have you heard?”
She gave me an innocent look. “I just heard from one of the moms that she’s . . . quiet.”
“I heard she’s nuts,” Steve said.
I wasn’t one to react much, especially where my brother was concerned. He was older and bigger, and I had grown up terrified of him. But I felt my temper rising.
