Honey in the Marrow, page 17
“You don’t think I wanted to get out of Tennessee before Uncle Ron died?” Addie asks.
Elizabeth strokes Stella’s back, shifts her weight enough to gently press a thigh between Stella’s. Now Elizabeth can brace her foot against the wall. Stella relaxes while Elizabeth presses against her, holding her in place. The room is tilting slightly.
“Baby—”
“You don’t know anything about my life out here. And anyway, I’d rather be a waitress here than anything at all back home.” Addie’s voice breaks. “I was so bored and lonely, and y’all didn’t even notice!”
Elizabeth shifts her weight again, pulls her hands free, and slides them into Stella’s hair. And Stella knows that Elizabeth is finally going to kiss her. Elizabeth licks her lips. Stella’s heart is racing, but she’s not scared. She wants Elizabeth to kiss her slow and deep while her family argues on the other side of the wall. She’s ready, ready to find out if the real thing is what she’s imagined, or if they should part ways before they get in any deeper.
But instead of kissing her, Elizabeth just stares at her with a look of longing on her face. They’re both breathing unevenly, trying not to make a noise. Then Elizabeth closes her eyes, her head falls forward and rests against Stella’s shoulder. Stella holds it there, cradles it with both hands.
When Elizabeth doesn’t move, Stella decides to break the spell. Surely, she only imagined the longing on Elizabeth’s face. “We should go save her,” she whispers.
Elizabeth nods against her and then, after a moment, steps away. Stella ushers her back into the hall.
* * *
Elizabeth stays for a slice of cake and then makes her excuses. As she leaves, she says to Stella, “See you later?”
Stella nods, though she’s unsure. She’s convinced herself that it was only a hug, that she’s blown it out of proportion, that once again she’s being needy and ridiculous. But the idea of spending the night in Elizabeth’s bed is agonizing. Maybe she’ll sleep with Addie tonight instead.
Thom and Joyce go to bed at nine, exhausted from the time change and the day’s travel. Stella and Addie clean the kitchen. Stella washes pots and pans while Addie packs up the leftovers, puts things away. They start the dishwasher.
“Aren’t you going to Elizabeth’s?” Addie hops up on the counter and looks at Stella expectantly.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to crowd her.”
Addie rolls her eyes. “Where did you two go after dinner?”
“Oh, I just needed a minute to myself,” Stella says. “She found me and gave me a hug. That’s all.”
“Did that calm you down?” Addie asks, one side of her mouth curling up knowingly.
Quite the opposite. Stella’s heart hammered for some time afterward. Like she’d been electrocuted. Like she’d sprinted around the block, leaving the back of her neck hot, her hands shaky.
“Addison,” Stella says with some exasperation.
“Uh-oh.”
“Elizabeth is lovely, but she’s straight, and while I admit to you and to you alone that maybe I am going through something right now in that department, it’s not fair to Elizabeth to force her into a role she’s not willing to play!”
“Did she tell you she was straight?” Addie asks innocently.
“What?”
“Have you had that conversation?”
“No, but—”
“Then you don’t know.”
“She’s only ever dated men!”
“You’ve only ever dated men!” Addie points at her. “So how can you be sure?”
Stella stares at her. “What has she told you?”
“Oh no.” Addie crosses her arms. “I don’t divulge your confidences, so I’m certainly not going to divulge hers.”
Stella pulls out a chair and sits facing Addie. “You’re kind of stuck in the middle of this, aren’t you, sugar?” Stella says. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t give up.”
And as if on cue, her phone beeps with a text from Elizabeth.
See you soon?
“Oh, my God. Just go already.” Addie hops down from the counter and pulls a Diet Coke out of the refrigerator. “But you’d better come back for breakfast.”
“I will. I promise.”
* * *
Elizabeth greets Stella in her pajamas and robe. Her face is clean and shiny, her hair clipped back.
Stella carries in a little canvas bag with something to sleep in, yoga pants and a T-shirt to wear home in the morning. She has a toothbrush here already.
She changes into pajamas right away because Elizabeth seems ready to crawl into bed. Stella likes Elizabeth’s bed. She feels like she’s staying in a nice hotel when she sleeps over.
“Stella,” Elizabeth says after she turns out the light.
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
“What? Coming over? They loved you.”
“No, I mean in your bedroom.” Elizabeth’s voice cracks a little.
“It was just hugging. We both needed a hug. That’s all.” She lets Elizabeth off the same hook she let herself off of earlier.
“I can’t remember the last time anyone hugged me, touched me at all, even, and I feel like I maybe went overboard. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“I didn’t.”
Elizabeth sighs in relief. “You aren’t upset?”
“No.” It’s a little deflating to hear that Elizabeth hugged her due to touch starvation rather than an overwhelming desire to put her hands on Stella, but maybe that’s for the best. She can love Elizabeth in one way while Elizabeth loves her in another.
“Come over here.” Stella turns over and scoots to the middle of the bed, slides one arm under her pillow, and spoons into Elizabeth. Elizabeth wraps an arm around Stella and soon falls asleep.
Eventually Stella drifts off too, surrounded by the smell of her bedsheets, the scent of her hair. She’s playing a dangerous game with herself, but it’s worth it tonight. Elizabeth pressing against her eases the buzzing inside her down to a pleasant hum.
Chapter 14
Stella wakes up the next morning still in Elizabeth’s arms and realizes it’s the anniversary of her husband’s death. What had Dr. Barrett said? That it wasn’t always the big anniversaries that hurt but the small firsts. A whole year has passed, but in this moment, she’s warm and comfortable with Elizabeth sleeping against her.
Stella turns to face Elizabeth, taking care not to extract herself from her arms. She’s never been much of a cuddler—men run hot, and she hates to wake up sweaty—but she doesn’t mind this. Elizabeth’s limbs are light and delicate, her embrace gentle.
What would Ron think of how her life looks now? She spent the past year pushing Ron out of her thoughts. Maybe now it’s time to give him a little headspace. Ron could be understanding when he wanted to be. It might make sense to him now why everything was always such a struggle between them. Why they always pushed back on each another. Why they were never quite happy. Ron always seemed happier than she was, but he couldn’t have been happy with the half of her who filled her life with work so she didn’t have to face the emptiness of her life with him.
She thinks back through her romantic history: all the boys she kissed in high school, the college boyfriends, her husbands. Everyone she’s ever been in love with fell in love with her first. They wooed her, wore her down. And she’d gone along with it because that’s what women did. Elizabeth’s the only person she’s ever fallen in love with on her own.
She can’t lie to herself any longer. She’s in love with Elizabeth. And there’s no way Elizabeth feels the same.
She reaches out to brush hair out of Elizabeth’s face. Studies the lines at the corners of her eyes, her button nose, the shape of her mouth. She looks at Elizabeth for a long time, looks at her like she’s starving and hasn’t eaten in days. And then she carefully slips out of her arms and out of bed.
* * *
Stella can tell that Addie knows what day it is, but she’s smart enough not to bring it up, and Stella doesn’t say anything either. They take Thom and Joyce around to see the sights, starting with Venice Beach. Even though Nashville isn’t that far from the coast—no more than a day’s drive—the Pacific Ocean is totally different from the Atlantic. They cram into Addie’s car because it’s smaller, thinking that would help with parking, but the beach is crowded and there are no spaces. They had planned to eat lunch in West Hollywood, but after Joyce declares that Venice Beach is too liberal, they decide instead to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway toward Malibu. They find a restaurant on the beach with tables on the patio facing the water. The only other diners are a family on the other side and an older couple, both reading the newspaper.
Halfway through the meal, Addie’s phone buzzes. “It’s Josh.” She swipes to answer the call. “Hello?”
Joyce clears her throat in disapproval.
“So you’re in town?” Addie asks.
The voice on the other end is loud enough to be heard but not clear enough to know what he’s saying.
“The rumors are true. They’re here.” Addie covers the mouthpiece. “He wants to meet you guys.”
“Who does?” Joyce asks.
“Josh is Elizabeth’s youngest son,” Stella explains.
“We’re in Malibu. I’ll text you when we get home.” Addie sets her phone on the table and looks apologetically at her mother. “He suggested dinner later.”
“He seems nice.” Thom wiggles his eyebrows.
“Oh, I am fully not his type,” Addie says. “Besides, he lives far away.”
“Santa Cruz,” Stella confirms. “It’s a good six-hour drive.”
On the drive home, Stella frets. If Josh is staying at the condo, it would be strange for Stella to stay there too. When she spends the night, everyone except Addie might assume she stays in Josh’s room. And she likes waking up with Elizabeth. Sitting in their pajamas, hair still messy, drinking coffee in her kitchen. She likes pretending she has that life.
“You okay?”
Stella looks up to see Addie looking at her in the rearview mirror. “Yeah, sugar. Just fine.”
“Because I know what today is.”
“We don’t have to talk about it,” Stella says, but it’s too late.
“Talk about what?” Thom asks.
“Ron died a year ago today,” Stella says.
“Oh, honey.” Joyce says sympathetically. “Why didn’t you say somethin’?”
“So we can all be sad? I’d rather be doing something with you than moping at home.”
“That’s why Josh came home, I bet,” Addie says. “So Elizabeth doesn’t have to be alone.”
“What does Elizabeth have to do with your husband?” Thom asks, his forehead scrunched up like he’s trying to solve a puzzle with no clues.
“She was there when it happened. She saw him die, Thom.”
“Jesus Christ,” Thom says. “No wonder you two are thick as thieves.”
“Well, I’ve known Elizabeth for years, but it put our friendship onto a new trajectory.”
“I can’t imagine.” Joyce turns to look at Stella. “I just can’t.”
“I hope you never have to,” Stella says. “I don’t recommend losing your husband or watching someone die.”
“Stella,” Addie says.
Stella notes Addie’s tone. It’s a plea for her to stop. “Anyway, we don’t have to see Elizabeth again. I see her all the time.”
“If it would help you two to be together on a day like this,” Thom says, “I’d love to meet her boy.”
Stella should be closer to Thom, should put more effort into their relationship. He’s really not a bad brother. She touches his arm. “Thank you.”
They agree to meet Elizabeth and Josh at their favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. They’re already seated at a large round table when the Carters noisily arrive. Addie and her mother are bickering, and Thom, who’s a little toasted after drinking beer all day, speaks louder than necessary.
Stella feels bad for Addie. She’s even-keeled, good-natured, and unflappable, and it’s hard to see her on edge around her parents.
Thom married Joyce right out of high school when they were both barely eighteen, so Stella has known her for most of her life, but they’ve never really clicked. They were too different. Stella had big plans for herself after graduation, and Joyce just wanted to marry her high school boyfriend and have a van full of babies.
But they only managed to have Addie, and that took years of doctor appointments and thousands of dollars of fertility treatments. Why they talk down to her about her life choices and then act surprised when she doesn’t want to move back home is a mystery Stella can’t solve.
Elizabeth waves them over. She stands up to greet them and introduces Josh. Then Elizabeth says, “Come sit by me, Stella. You can squeeze in.”
She looks beautiful, even in the restaurant’s dim lighting. Under the table, they fumble for one another’s hands and squeeze briefly before letting go. It must have been a hard day for Elizabeth too.
Josh cheerfully offers food suggestions, explaining what’s good and what to pass on. Joyce and Stella exchange a look when Thom orders a margarita, but then Addie and Elizabeth order margaritas too. Joyce and Stella order soft drinks.
Josh gushes about his studies in journalism. Joyce, who worked on the high school newspaper, listens with genuine interest.
“Addie has a degree,” Thom says. “Not that she’s usin’ it.”
“Thomas,” Joyce warns.
“Thank you, Dad,” Addie says. “How unkind of you to say that.”
“I ain’t bein’ unkind, doll. I’m just statin’ facts!”
The waiter brings their drinks. Joyce takes Thom’s margarita and moves her Diet Coke in front of him.
“Baby…”
“Stop embarrassin’ yourself,” Joyce says softly.
An uncomfortable silence settles around them. Josh stares down at the table. Elizabeth gazes off into the distance. Addie looks mortified.
“Addie,” Stella says finally, breaking the silence, “I left my phone in the car, and I don’t remember where we parked. Will you come with me?”
“Sure,” Addie says.
“Order me something, if the server comes. I don’t care what,” she says to Elizabeth. “Excuse us.”
She hurries out of the restaurant, Addie right behind her. When they’re out the door, Stella turns to look at Addie. Tears have cut a path down her cheeks.
“Jesus, what the fuck was that?” Stella asks. “Oh, honey.”
“He’s just a dick when he drinks. Like all dads.”
That’s a comment they’ll have to unpack later. She wraps Addie in her arms. “You’re not wasting your life. You’re doing amazingly well. It’s hard to move away as far away as you did. But you have a good job, and you’ve been promoted! You help me with expenses, and you give me a reason to get up in the morning. I love you so much, sugar. I really do.”
“Thank you,” Addie says, pulling back. “I didn’t even want them to visit. They’re never happy with me.”
“They’re morons, and you’re wonderful,” Stella says. “I’m as proud of you as if you were my own daughter.”
Addie nods, wipes her face with the sleeve of her hoodie.
“You okay? You could spend the night with Elizabeth and Josh,” Stella offers. “I’ll take care of Thom.”
“It’s fine,” Addie says. “I have to work tomorrow, so you’ll have plenty of time to eviscerate him then.”
Stella chuckles, which brings a smile to Addie’s face.
“Did you really forget your phone?”
“Nah, it’s in my purse.”
They return to the restaurant. Josh and Elizabeth have gone to the restroom. Thom looks sheepish, like his wife has already made the first deep cut.
“All right, phone acquired,” Stella says, sitting down. “How about we don’t drag the Carter name through the mud anymore in front of our friends, hmm?” She tries to keep the tone light, but the intent is clear.
“You sounded just like your mama then, Stella Anne.” Joyce gives her a tight smile.
When Elizabeth and Josh return, everyone is on their best behavior, and they make small talk as they eat. Stella likes what Elizabeth had ordered for her, and when Stella steals a sip of her margarita, Elizabeth doesn’t say a word.
They say goodbye in the parking lot. Elizabeth hugs Stella and whispers, “See you later?”
“I’m not sure,” Stella says. “Maybe.”
Elizabeth nods dejectedly. Stella thinks about her expression the whole ride home.
* * *
Stella sleeps with Addie that night instead of at the condo because it seems like the thing to do. Addie needs the support, and Stella is happy to oblige. Addie gets up and leaves for work a whole hour early just to get out of the house, leaving Stella to babysit her brother and sister-in-law for the day.
“Well,” she says as they’re sitting around drinking coffee, “y’all want to go to mass?”
“You go to a Catholic church?” Thom asks, surprised.
“Elizabeth goes,” Stella says, “so I go along.”
“Really?” Thom glances at Joyce.
“My therapist suggested I find a routine,” Stella says. “Going with her to mass once a week is my routine, and now I’m kind of used to it.”
“But a Catholic church?” Joyce asks.
“Not my first choice,” Stella says, “but if you’re raised Catholic, you’re Catholic for life.”
“You go,” Joyce says. “We’ll entertain ourselves here.”
“How about if I leave you the SUV? Elizabeth usually picks me up anyway. Y’all must have some touristy thing you want to do. Addie won’t be home until late afternoon.”
