Sharon Green - Terrillian 05, page 45
I shook my head as I leaned against him, holding him around as he held me.
Most men, I felt, would have considered being my bodyguard a menial task, especially if they happened to be important in their own right. That Tammad looked at it differently-and more wonderfully-was not that much of a surprise, but hearing him say it only reminded me that I also had something to say.
“Hamak, I have to tell you something,” I whispered after a moment, really wishing I didn’t have to. “Help me find some place private where we can talk.”
He smoothed my hair as he looked down at me, concern in his mind as well as his eyes, but he didn’t argue. It took us a while to find a small lounge that wasn’t being used for something else, but once we did we closed the door and sat down on a couch to hold each other around. I didn’t know if he could feel the fear in me, but before it turned me speechless I started the story of the child that had been ours. By the time I was through I was crying, my shield closed tight to keep his reactions from me, the reactions I was very much afraid would be hatred and disgust. He held me tight to his chest as he stroked my hair, his silence more painful than what had been done to me in the complex, and then he sighed.
“Hama, this tale you tell distresses me greatly,” he said, very little life left in his voice. “I had not understood the reason for your own distress over my not having told you of my intentions to reclaim you from your embassy, yet is my understanding now more than clear. A man who wishes the child he has planted retains the wenda who carries it. To send her from him, most especially with no other there to band her, is to say he wishes naught of the child. I had not known I -had put such agony on you, and nearly do I lack the courage to once more ask your forgiveness.”
“My forgiveness?” I blurted, raising my head to look at him. “But the child was yours, and I never even told you about it! If you’d known you probably would have told me what you were doing, and all this grief could have been avoided.”
“And yet, I did not then look upon you as I do now,” he said, raising one hand to stroke my face. “Then you were beloved yet no more than a wenda, and no l’lenda has need of sharing his intentions with one such as that. This tragedy was given life in the same manner a child is-by the combined doings of two.
Perhaps best would be that we share the burden, and in such a manner lighten it each for the other. You say you have already taken the lives of those responsible for our loss?”
“Some of them,” I answered, opening my shield to find that he was grieving rather than blaming. “There are others also responsible, and if they survive the attack on their headquarters on Central, I think we ought to pay them a visit.
“L’lenda wenda, ” he said with a faint smile, taking my face in both of his hands. “Indeed are you changed from the woman I knew, changed in a manner I had not thought would please me. No longer do you accuse me of all manner of odd doings, no longer do you seek to disobey me in all things, no longer do you deny the love you feel. And I, I am fully as changed as you, for no longer do I feel your obedience necessary to my happiness, and no longer do I wish to discount what council you give me as foolishness. Much pain did we both need to suffer to accomplish these ends, yet have we finally and in truth accomplished them.”
He lowered his head and kissed me then, knowing I wanted him to, but I discovered he’d made more progress in reading emotions than I’d thought. The kiss only continued for a minute or two, and then he raised his head.
“Something continues to disturb you,” he said, trying to look at me with his mind as well as his eyes. “I feel the presence of the disturbance, yet am I unable to reach its cause. Will you speak of the matter to me?”
“I don’t think I should,” I answered, leaning forward to put my cheek against his chest. “That last time I mentioned this problem to you you refused to listen, which made me do some things to force you to go along, which eventually got me spanked. I don’t care for the idea of getting spanked again.”
“Hama, you cannot mean that you continue to feel we must part!” he protested, more confused than angry. “After all we have faced, both together and apart, how are you able to believe such a thing?”
“Do you think the choice is mine?” I asked in turn, raising my head to look at him. “You may be a heartless, overgrown barbarian who spanks the woman foolish enough to love him, but that’s a habit that can be broken and there are plenty of men around with worse faults. I don’t want to believe what I’m feeling, but preferences don’t seem to matter.”
“I cannot see how such a thing may be,” he said with a shake of his head, anger and frustration finally getting a grip on him. “Who is there about capable of taking you from me? Who might there possibly be to lure me from your side?”
“I think you’re sounding a little too interested in that second question,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. “Maybe what I’m being told is that I’ll catch you fooling around with another woman, and because of that I’ll drop a building on your head.”
“Such jealousy does not become you, hama,” he said with a grin, really enjoying the way I was feeling. “Each time you imagine me of interest to another, you speak of doing me harm. I, however, in greater generosity, speak only of doing harm to he who might take you from me. Clearly are l’lendaa possessed of more generous natures than wendaa. “
“Oh, sure they are,” I said with a very slow nod. “Their natures are so generous, they feel it’s their duty to share themselves with every female who walks, staggers or crawls past them. Unfair as it undoubtedly is, people with natures like, that do sometimes come to a bad end. ‘
“There is but one end I currently find of interest, hama sadendra,” he said, his grin still there as he pulled me down flat on the couch with him. “Try though I might, I cannot envision any other end ever taking my fancy as does the one I possess. Though duty may call me a thousand times, ever shall I return to the end which is mine.”
“How many times?” I demanded in a growl, raising my hands to bury my fists in his hair. “If nature doesn’t kill you, duty has a damned good second shot at it!”
He laughed aloud then held me still for his kiss, and it wasn’t long before I was rushing to get out of the brown uniform. We’d teased each other about jealousy and then made very strenuous love, but that doesn’t mean we erased the cloud of the child wed lost-or forgot the probability that wed never have the chance to make one to replace it.
The day after the attack was calmer than the previous night had been, and I spent the morning working with some of the community’s people trying to get through the conditioning of the female Primes. It was a job very much like pulling out teeth using nothing but fingers; we knew what we wanted to do, but couldn’t seem to get a good enough grip to accomplish it.
While I was occupied with frustration, Tammad and a large number of our fighters went to sort out the mess in the smaller building that was a short distance from the main complex. A couple of crash teams had entered it at the same time different ones had entered the main complex, but all they did then was disable every mechanical system in the place except for what was labeled life-support. Most of the personnel in that building had been locked in their apartments or rooms for the night, and were going to be tackled one or two at a time. I would have preferred going along with Tammad, but the stubborn beast decided I couldn’t and that was that. With the only fighting likely to occur being physical in nature he did have a point, but point or not I didn’t like it.
He and most of the others were back by lunchtime looking very little the worse for wear, so he and I found Rissim and Irin, and we four Vent back to racking our brains while we ate. Our little group had done the same the night before, but we were coming up with so much nothing you would have thought we were a full committee. 1 knew I would never belong to Tammad but I didn’t know why, and none of us could come up with a reason for it-or a suggestion as to how it might be avoided.
We had just reached the point of agreeing that what was causing my conviction might very well be that Tammad and I were destined to die of frustration-with Irin and Rissim joining us-when one of the expedition people came to interrupt. Murdock sent his compliments, and asked that I join him for a short while to discuss something important. I couldn’t remember ever receiving someone’s compliments before and was tempted to return my criticisms along with my agreement, but I was the only one who considered the situation amusing. Irin immediately decided he was about to send me off somewhere again-the hidden reason behind my’ feeling we hadn’t known about before-and promptly stood up with the very clear intention of committing murder. Rissim also stood, mainly with the intention of keeping her from doing anything foolish, but part of him was sharing her urge toward violence if it turned out her guess was right. Tammad made it a threesome when he got to his feet, and it wasn’t even necessary to touch his mind; the way he stood very straight but loose, as though he might need to draw his sword at any minute, the lack of all expression on his face, the cold, distant look in his eyes …
I sighed before I got up, but sighing didn’t accomplish anything at all. I still had three grim silences following me as I followed Murdock’s messenger, giving me the feeling I was casting a triple shadow.
The room we were led to was in the executive wing, a large, poshly decorated setup meant for party-meetings rather than just meetings, and Murdock turned out not to be alone. Ashton was there and so was Lamdon, and with them was the woman from the group who investigated mental abilities. Our guide led us in then left after closing the door, and Murdock showed one of his wintry smiles.
“I hadn’t expected you to have an escort, Terrilian,” he said from the chair he sat in, his mind more amused than his expression showed. “I’m somewhat surprised there are no w’wendaa as well.”
“If it’s a w’wenda you want, I may soon oblige you, brother,” Irin said, stepping forward to stand beside me. “What is it that you want from her this time?”
“He doesn’t necessarily want something from her, Irin,” Ashton put in from her chair to Murdock’s right, obviously trying to soothe her sister. “You three look like we intend dismantling her to find out where her power comes from.
Has any of you any idea how much strength that would take?”
“I do,” I said, trying to keep it light. “Especially after the meal I just had. I must be fueled for a month, not to speak of against all comers.”
“Why don’t all of you sit down,” Murdock suggested, nodding toward the half circle of empty chairs facing the four already occupied. “You all know Lamdon and Kaila and they know you, so what need is there for us to act like a group of strangers?”
“At the moment there’s no need,” Irin said, not conceding an inch of ground.
“If that happens to change, you’ll be the first to know.”
She headed herself to the chair to the left of the one I was taking, but she and I were the only ones who sat. I didn’t have to turn around to know Tammad and Rissim had stationed themselves behind my chair, and the small, satisified smile on Irin’s face said she knew it, too. Three of the four people sitting opposite us were clearly dying to ask what was going on, but the show was Murdock’s and he was more interested in getting on with it.
“Terrilian, I asked you to come here so that you might be told a number of things,” he said, “and one of the items should be of interest to Irin as well.
I would like to begin by informing you that our strike at Rathmore Hellman and his people was just as successful as our enterprise here. An interim deputy now holds his chair, one of our people, I might add, and very soon there will be places for many of ours in the government. We mean to see that those of our blood are never captured and used again.”
“She doesn’t want to go back to Central, and she doesn’t want to work in your government,” lrin said flatly, staring at Murdock. “What she wants is to stay on Rimilia. “
“A gratifying decision, inasmuch as Rimilia is where she will be most needed,”
Murdock replied politely, almost distracted enough to be puzzled. “We mean to build a relocation center there, to house those of our nonassociated brothers and sisters who wish to join us, as well as the current residents of creches.
From now on we will train our own blood, without the conditioning which makes tools of them.”
“And don’t forget about the retraining of the residents of this building and its basement hideaway,” Ashton said, for a moment sounding bone-deep weary. “I think we’d all better plan on living very long lives.”
“Each problem will be seen to in its own time,” Murdock said, sounding serenely confident. “With the help of the Rimilians themselves, we’ll build something worth being a part of. But we also have an additional goal now, and I yield the floor to Kaila so that she may tell you what she so recently told me.”
“Our group has done some investigating, questioning, guessing and concluding, and I’m wondering where to start,” Kaila said, smiling at me as she shifted in her chair. “I don’t know if anyone’s told you, Terry, but our community was established on Rimilia because one of us at the time discovered that a number of Rimilians had mind abilities very like our own. Not only were we able to hide on the planet, we were also able to bring in strong new blood to add to ours. At the very beginning males were needed for the high percentage of females born, and when some of our girls got old enough they went out with 1’lendaa to protect them and looked for men to take back as mates. Quite a lot of them were darkhaired and greeneyed, and that’s why those traits are so highly prized among Rimilians even today.”
“Indeed,” Rissim said, drawing a flash of amusement from Lamdon. “What l’lenda would fail to prize a woman with the power, to have in his furs if for naught else. “
“There are additional considerations, of course,” Tammad said in agreement,
“yet would that point alone be sufficient.”
“Yes,” Kaila said after clearing her throat, knowing they were teasing her, but also knowing better than to continue on with the subject. “We were rather upset, to say the least, when we learned Rathmore Heilman’s group meant to use the planet, but there was nothing we dared do to stop it. It wasn’t beyond Rathmore to cause an àccident’ that would decimate the population of the world if he didn’t get the cooperation he wanted. Murdock will tell you more about that in a little while, so I’ll just skip to what happened with you and your abilities, Terry. ‘
I nodded as I dialed the chair for a glass of wine, wondering if I would like what I was about to hear. I knew what had happened to me better than she did, but she seemed to be looking at the scenes with more information than I had.
“You started out with nothing more in the way of ability than any other Prime, but that soon changed,” Kaila said to me, her smile still warm and friendly.
“Thanks to Murdock’s planning you were allowed to remain awake when you first returned from Rimilia, and his theorythat our people didn’t develop in their talents because of being unawakened most of the time-was proven almost immediately. According to your own account you began discovering the possibility of a shield as far back as your assignment on Alderan, which was really the beginning of it.”
“A beginning fraught with disturbance for one who knew not what was occurring,” Lamdon said, empathy flowing from his mind to mine. “Another might well have retreated from that unknown; your courage does you credit, girl.”
“After that you progressed slowly, until the time of your struggle in the resting place of the Sword,” Kaila went on, giving me no chance to correct Lamdon. I didn’t have courage; all I had was stubbornness. “You were given quite a lot of pain because of the storms raging at the time, storms you’d never grown used to because you weren’t raised on Rililia.”
“You know, 1 never thought of that,” I said slowly, ignoring the glass of wine my chair had produced for me. “If you people live in that area all the time, those storms must make your lives absolute hell. How can any of you stand it?”
“After the first few, the storms never bother us,” Kaila answered, her voice soft and her eyes alive with the sense of imparting something important.
“Terry, those of us born in the valley develop a shield during our first storm season. The shield is like the one you developed after your battle, the sort you call impenetrable. Those of us who are raised off-planet are-suggested out of using the shield until we’re adults, and can judge the times to use it without detection. Those who grow up on the planet use it constantly, especially during storm season, and none of us ever develop that light shield you told us about. You proved we’re capable of developing it by teaching Len how to form one, but none of us ever do. If Len hadn’t had us make him forget about his heavier shield when he knew he’d be working with you, we might have thought you were unique.”
“But-I don’t understand,” I said, shaking my head at her. “What can shielding have to do with anything? A shield stops you from using your abilities.”
“It does more than that,” she said, dialing her own chair for refreshment.
“You gave us so many of the answers, I’m surprised we took so long. Look, let’s start from another side. Do you remember what you said about how you called up your curtain? You said you had to feel a need for it, and then it was there. Quite a lot of what you developed came about because of need, and not necessarily to save you from danger or hurt. Once the change had started you simply had to feel a need for something, and if it was possible for you to do, you did it. Need is the key for developing talents, not pain but need. “
“But that’s good news,” I said, still not quite understanding. “I’m delighted to hear none of you have to go through what I did, but I still don’t understand what any of this has to do with shielding.”
“We think we may have run across a principle similar to that governing speech,” she said, sipping at her kimla while keeping her eyes on me. “If a child doesn’t learn to talk by a certain age, it never learns. It’s possible that the development of alight shield is a necessary step in progressing further with our abilities, and that may be why we’re stopped where we are. We never go through the light shield phase, and because of the presence of our heavy shields we rarely feel the need for more. Those two factors together, we believe, have kept us from doing what you did.”
