Sleepless (Bird of Stone), page 25
“Not everyone would agree with that.” I tell him.
“You included, I see.” When I don’t respond he sighs. “A shame. I hope to help you change that opinion of yourself. We will find you the control you seek, I swear it to you. I don’t believe I’ll be able to separate you from your ability. Frankly, I don’t care to. It would be as cutting the tusks from an elephant or the feet from a cheetah. You are too majestic for such brutality. But I will show you your purpose, because you do have one.”
I don’t dare look at him because his words have brought tears to my eyes. Rarely have I been spoken to in this way. Not since Cara. It’s killing me.
“What purpose is that?” I ask softly.
I hear him chuckle. “All in good time, my dear. All in good time.”
Chapter Forty-Four
Nick
Mom,
Alive and well. Staying safe.
Nick
This is nearly verbatim the same e-mail I send my mother every single day when I finish my shift. She responds back with a similar form letter, something along the lines of:
Nicky,
So grateful you’re alright!!! Come home soon!
Hugs and kisses,
Mom
Nicky. I am perpetually ten years old in her eyes.
“Hey, Carver, what’s up?” Erickson asks, taking a seat at the computer across from me.
We’re in an area of the office where a few computers are set up for work, but it’s where we all talk to our families and do our correspondence too. Sending an actual paper letter never crosses my mind. If I went twenty-four hours without sending an e-mail my mother would be hysterical. I was hoping to find an e-mail from Alex but there’s nothing. It’s been three weeks and that’s all I’ve seen – nothing.
“Not much,” I tell him, stretching. It’s been a long day. I’m exhausted. “Gettin’ ready to go to sleep.”
“You’re not going to talk to your family?”
“Nah, there’s only my mom.”
Erickson nods in understanding. I’ve told him about my mom and her reaction to what I do. It’s not that uncommon, I found out. His dad doesn’t like it either. He thinks he’s a thrill seeker or just in it for the glory. He wanted Erickson to do something more sensible like become a mechanic like him.
“What about your girl?” he asks, typing in his passwords, getting ready to talk to his family.
“She’s not around.”
“You say that a lot. Where is she?”
I pause. There’s not a good way to answer that. Not an uncomplicated way, at least, so I go with half-truths.
“She’s in a hospital.”
Erickson looks around his monitor at me. “Whoa, she okay?”
I shrug. “It’s not life threatening. She has a condition. A rare one. They’re running a bunch of tests. Last I heard she was going in and I didn’t get a time frame on when she was coming out. So far, no word.”
“Ouch, man. That’s a killer. I hope she’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, thanks. Me too.”
The internet phone service starts ringing. I think it’s coming from Erickson’s computer but then my screen lights up. I’m getting a call and my heart seizes for one split second, thinking it might be Alex. No such luck. Campbell’s pompous face shows up.
“What’s up, man?” I answer.
“Carver, you little bitch, how are you? The job made you pass out yet? Thrown up?”
“Not yet.”
“Any nightmares?” he asks, his voice briefly serious.
I decide to be honest. “Yeah, one.”
“One is getting off lucky. Speaking of getting off, did Alex let you take your balls with you to the desert or are you a unich?”
“Nah, I left ‘em on your mom’s nightstand for safe keeping. I knew I’d be back there soon.”
“You treat her right, you hear me? Meredith Campbell is a lady.”
“That has not been my experience.”
“Did Walters call you?”
“No, why would he?”
“For the same reason I’m calling you. He’s your friend, genius.”
“Okay.”
“You’re really terrible at this.”
“At what?”
“People.”
“Why does everyone always tell me that?” I ask, feeling exasperated.
“Because you’re terrible with people!”
“What did Walters say when he called you? Is there a point to this?”
“I always have a point. He called because he’s getting married.”
I pause, stunned. “He what?”
“He proposed and that pretty little idiot said yes. Walters is getting married.”
“Wow. Good for him, I guess?”
“Good job, that’s the normal response. A little more convincing when you say it to him, though.”
“When am I saying it to him?”
Campbell sighs heavily. “When he calls you.”
“Is he gonna be mad you already told me?”
“I think he wanted me to tell you first.”
“Why?”
“Think of this as a dress rehearsal and when you talk to Walters, that’s the live show. Do better at the live show, alright?”
“He didn’t want to deal with my dress rehearsal.” I mutter, getting it.
“It’s excruciating, I don’t blame him. As it is, he owes me a beer for this coaching session.”
“I’ll pay his debt. Next time we’re in the same country, drinks are on me.”
“I’d rather have my drinks on Alex.”
“I will murder you. I mean it, I will kill you slowly with my two bare hands.”
Campbell chuckles. “I love what this girl has done to you. It’s hilarious.”
“Just wait until it’s you. We’ll see who’s laughing then.”
“It will never be me.”
“Never? You’re going to be alone forever?”
“I am never alone. But no, I’m never getting involved. Never getting married, that’s for sure. It’s a sham. I don’t trust it.”
“Your parents are happily married.” I point out.
“For thirty-seven years.” Campbell gladly confirms. “My dad has chewed tobacco for forty-two. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna start.”
“If this is how you feel about marriage, then what was your response when he told you?”
“’Congrats, man. I’m already planning the bachelor party.’ See how easy that was?”
I groan. “This is what’s excruciating.” I think of Alex and the ulcer I’m getting waiting to hear from her. “People are painful.”
“That’s no lie.” Campbell agrees. “But just wait for the crying.”
“Wait, what?”
Walters cries when he tells me. Not openly weeping or incoherent, but he gets choked up and has to pause a few times to get his words out. I exhibit the right amount of enthusiasm, or maybe it was too much, because when I tell him “She’s lucky to have you”, he can’t talk for almost a minute.
“You’ll be in the wedding, right?” he asks, once he’s got himself pulled together.
“Yeah, if you want me to.” I say, though I’m unsure why he’d want me to.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to be Best Man or anything. You’ll just stand up there in your dress blues and try to look happy for me.”
“I am happy for you.”
“Thanks, but you’re not great at showing that stuff on your face. Just don’t glare at my mom or scowl at the camera and you’ll do fine.”
Which means I’m going to have to paint a Ken doll smile on my face and hold it for hours.
People are very, very painful.
∞
I make it to the dream that night. I can feel the dock underneath me before I open my eyes. I keep them closed a little longer and enjoy the feeling. The water is making its lapping sound around me and I never noticed it before, maybe because it wasn’t there, but there’s a smell to this place. Fresh cut grass and wildflowers, sweet and bitter at the same time.
There’s a feeling here. One I’ve barely noticed before but I’m very aware of tonight. It feels like the tide rolling in and out and I know it’s the ebb and flow of the dream. I can feel the current pushed out now, far out to sea, but I can also feel its desire to roll back in. There’s an outward swing on this pendulum. Eventually it has to come back. If I focus on it, pushing back against it, I can stall it. I can hold it out at its farthest point and suspend it there, but not forever. My control is not infinite, it would seem, and even I can’t stop the tides from moving.
“I thought we were meeting on the grass.”
I freeze when I see her. She’s wearing the skirt again.
I’m up and devouring the distance between us in long strides, my smile gone. My face all business and heavy intent. She grins at my reaction and waits patiently, her arms spread wide. My arms wrap around her waist, pulling her against me as she presses her lips to mine. I groan when she jumps up and wraps her legs around my waist, clinging to me.
“Where’s the Speedo?” she whispers against my mouth.
I grin. “You’ll have to search for it.”
She smiles, kisses me long and slow. Then she trails her warm mouth across my jaw, down my throat.
“Where, oh where could it be?” she muses, pulling up on my shirt.
∞
There is no sight in the world, real or imagined, that can compete with Alex lying beside me. Her long, shiny hair splayed out over the grass, its warm color interspersed with cold, green blades. Her cheeks are flushed from a secret only we know and her full lips are swollen and pink. But it’s her eyes, it’s always her eyes, that grab onto me and won’t let go. Everything is there. Everything she’s feeling, thinking and wanting. All I ever have to do is look in them and I’ll know.
I know it then. I’ve known it before, but right now I know it like I know my own name. It’s on the tip of my tongue, on the cusp of my soul, but I still can’t get it out. I’m not built for this. I’m not equipped to be enough for her, but damnit I want to be.
“I missed you.” she whispers, lifting her hand and tracing my face with her fingertip.
This I can handle. I know I need to say it now because I can feel the tide pulling back in. Try as I might, I can’t stop it.
“I miss you every day.”
She smiles and I lean down to kiss her softly.
“So is the study over?” I ask, laying back beside her.
She hesitates. When she speaks, her voice is quiet. “No, it’s still going on.”
“How long have you been there?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“How is it hard to say?”
“Um, I don’t go outside of the clinic and…”
I wait but she says nothing, which makes me nervous.
“And what?”
“And there are… there are no windows or clocks.” she says in a breathless rush.
I sit up and look down at her, frowning. “What?”
She meets my eyes warily. “I don’t know what day it is, or if it even is day. Maybe it’s night. I don’t know.”
“Is that part of the study?”
“I guess so.” She shrugs and looks away.
“Alex, I don’t like this. Where is this place? Is it in Omaha?”
“Their office was, the one I first met Dr. Evans in. They did all of my tests there too. Then we… left.”
“Left for where?”
“The main clinic.”
“Alex.” I say, my voice tense. I don’t like this game we’re playing.
“What?”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
She sighs. “The clinic where I’m at… it’s not in the U.S.”
“Where is it?” I ask calmly, although I am anything but.
“It’s in the Behring Sea on an island just east of Russia.”
I close my eyes and breathe deeply. Unbelievable.
“Your mother found a specialist who understands your ability, who actually believes in your ability, and also just so happens to have offices in your hometown in Nebraska. Then, after meeting with him for a matter of days, you let him whisk you off to an island near Russia where he’s keeping you disoriented and on lockdown?”
She doesn’t answer me right away. I open my eyes to find her staring up at the shifting clouds. They’ve grown stormy since we arrived and I’m not sure if that’s her or me doing it.
“Well when you say it that way,” she replies softly. “It sounds really bad.”
“You need to Slip out of there. To anywhere but there. Hell, I’ll tell you where I am and you can come to me.”
The sea is closing in, foam rushing to the shore. I push as hard as I can, but I can’t keep it back.
She smiles faintly. “You’re such a hero.”
“Let me help you.”
“No.” she says firmly, her eyes hard as steel. “I can take care of myself. This was my choice and I’m going to see it through. If there’s even half a chance that they can help me take control of this thing, I’d willingly follow them to Hell and back.”
“This isn’t worth the risk.”
“It is to me. I don’t want anyone else to have to take care of me.”
“I want to take care of you.”
“Not like this. Not to this extent.” She pauses and swallows hard. “I don’t want to be weak with you.”
“You’ve survived this dangerous thing since you were a child, Alex. You’re nowhere near weak.”
“I would feel weak letting you take care of me. Letting you always help me. I know you understand that.”
And I do. If our roles were reversed, I’d feel exactly the same way. I’d take exactly the same risks. Doesn’t mean I like it.
“If it gets to be too much, will you Slip?” I ask her. I’m careful to keep my tone low and coaxing, but I’m feeling frantic. The waves are coming to take us away. “We’ll find another way. At least let me help you do that. If this thing starts to scare you or if something just doesn’t feel right, please Slip and we’ll work together to find another way.”
“Okay.”
I raise a skeptical eyebrow. “Promise me.”
She grins. “I pro—“
Chapter Forty-Five
Alex
I hover over my cereal in the kitchen, trying to muster the appetite to eat it. It’s not coming easy. My stomach is revolting against me, angry at the memories of my dream.
My dream with Nick ended differently than it ever has. It didn’t simply end, it morphed into something else and the horrifying part was that I didn’t know it had changed right away. I made my promise to him that I’d try and Slip out if things here got weird, and I meant it. Then I asked him how his deployment was going and if he’d been on any missions yet. He started describing the base to me, telling me about the guys he’s working with and what a typical mission looks like. His descriptions started becoming really graphic, and while I was surprised he was telling me all of this, I listened silently, thinking he had just become caught up in the memory. He has a dirty job and I never want him to feel like I’m shying away from it or that he has to hide anything from me.
He was playing with my hand while he was talking, lacing our fingers together, then pulling them apart, running his fingertips along my palm. Then, as he was describing a broken arm on a soldier, he jerked my ring finger. It snapped it cleanly. I didn’t feel any pain, but I looked down at the crooked finger in horror.
“Nick, what did you do?” I gasped.
He moved to my pinky. Quickly, he snapped that one as well. This time I felt the pain. I screamed and tried to pull away, but he grabbed my shoulders and pressed my face close to his.
“If you can’t handle this,” he growled, his voice not his own. “You’ll never make it out alive.”
He lifted me up as though I weighed nothing. Then he threw me like a rag doll, tossing me across the hillside.
I woke from the dream when I was launched from the bed, electrodes and monitors tearing away from me. I crashed into a steel storage unit a good four feet away and slumped to the ground. I was shaking and crying as I gently probed my ring and pinky fingers, checking for breaks or pain. I was fine, I was intact, but I was a mess.
And I still am. It’s been hours since I woke up from that nightmare and I’m still not right.
“How are you feeling?” Liam asks. He’s appeared in the doorway, standing there watching me.
I don’t look up. “Never better.”
“Your cereal is getting soggy.”
“I like it soggy.”
“No one likes it soggy. Are you ready to tell me what the dream was about?”
I had refused to talk about it immediately after. They’d been monitoring me and saw several spikes in my heart rate and God knows what else. One was for seeing Nick, I know that. Another was probably for… other things related to Nick, and the last one had definitely been for my broken fingers.
“Not really. But I know I need to.” I say reluctantly.
He pauses. “We know the dream was… of a personal nature.”
I narrow my eyes at him, my heart rate rising. “And how is that?”
“Certain parts of your brain light up and become stimulated during various physical activities.”
I blush hard, burying my face in my hands. “Physical activities of a personal nature?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, that’s embarrassing.” I mutter into my palms.
“There’s nothing wrong with it, Alex. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”
I am mortified.
“An entire room of doctors and scientists watched me dream about… Oh, crap.”
“It was very informative, if that helps any.”
“Stop. No, it’s not helping.” I drop my hands to look at him. He’s completely unfazed by any of this. He’s just standing there in all his composed, handsome glory. It makes it so much worse. “If you know what the dream was about, why do you need me to talk about it?”
