Also by Walburga Appleseed

  The Princess and the Prick

  Copyright

  An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  HarperCollins Publishers

  Macken House, 39/40 Mayor Street Upper,

  Dublin 1, Ireland, D01 C9W8

  First published in Great Britain by HQ

  An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2024

  Text Copyright © Walburga Appleseed 2024

  Designed by Siaron Hughes.

  Illustrated by Dàlia Adillon.

  Walburga Appleseed asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Source ISBN: 9780008664053

  Ebook Edition © November 2024 ISBN: 9780008664060

  Version 2024-10-17

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

  Note to Readers

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  Page numbers taken from the following print edition: ISBN 9780008664053

  To Harriet the poetess, with thanks for her words.

  Because of her, Odysseus will always be a #MAMIL to me.

  Contents

  Cover

  Booklist

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Note to Readers

  Dedication

  Introduction

  Who’s Who – Greek Myths

  TLDR: Greek Mythogyny

  Epic Egos and Half-Baked Heroes

  The Perfectly Normal Women

  Ariadne’s Thread

  Hades and Persephone

  Europa and Zeus

  Medusa

  Perseus and Andromeda

  Orpheus and Eurydice

  Eros and Psyche

  Narcissus and Echo

  The Amazons

  King Pentheus Meets a Tragic End

  Medea and Jason

  Zeus and Leda

  Apollo Lusts After Daphne the Nymph

  Heracles

  Pan and Syrinx the Nymph

  Zeus and Io

  Heracles Wins Hippolyta’s Belt

  It’s All Greek to Me!

  To Open Pandora’s Box

  An Echo

  Being a Cassandra

  To Harp On

  A Sisyphean Task

  To be an Adonis

  To be Amazonian

  Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts

  Hysteria

  Fury

  The Trojan War

  TLDR: The Trojan War – Mostly Boring for Everyone Involved

  Who’s Who: Trojan War and the Williad

  The Beauty Contest

  Prince Paris of Troy Gets to Judge

  Paris Abducts Helen

  Menelaus Declares War on Troy

  The Trojan War

  TLDR: The Williad

  The Williad

  Discord in the Greek Camp

  Meanwhile in Troy

  On the Battlefield

  Meanwhile in Troy

  In the Greek Camp

  Achilles is Still Sulking

  Meanwhile in Troy

  Patroclus

  Achilles Rejoins the Fight

  Meanwhile in Troy

  Achilles

  Big Ajax Fights for Achilles’ Armour

  Cassandra

  The Odyssey

  TLDR: The Odyssey – A Long Story Involving Lots of Sex

  Who’s Who: The Odyssey

  Odysseus Leaves Ithaca for Troy

  Odysseus Invents the Trojan Horse

  Meanwhile on Ithaca

  Odysseus Gets Stuck on Powerful Sorceress Circe’s Island

  Meanwhile on Ithaca

  Odysseus Meets the Sirens

  Meanwhile on Ithaca

  Odysseus is Held Captive by the Nymph Calypso

  Odysseus Returns to Ithaca

  Odysseus and Penelope Reunite

  About the Publisher

  INTRODUCTION

  In this book, you will find neither treatises about the complex nature of the Greek gods nor an analysis of, say, the role of the mighty spear in the Iliad. It won’t be a deep dive into Zeus’ psyche, either. Just his pants.

  The Greek myths are such mad, fascinating stories that I can’t help but love them. I also admire their longevity. After all, they have kept Europe entertained over many millennia. But every time I read them, they get up my nose. Seriously, Homer? What is it with all the gratuitous willy-waving? Why do the women get such a terrible deal? How do they deserve such absurd men? And what can I do about it?

  My answer is this book.

  Sexism is ridiculous. Let’s laugh at it! Whether you’re a complete newbie to Zeus’ little fantasies or already have a PhD in Greek mythogyny, I hope that you too will be cackling at the sandal-clad patriarchy in no time.

  With love,

  Walburga Appleseed

  Who’s Who – Greek Myths

  Epic Egos and Half-Baked Heroes

  TLDR: Greek Mythogyny

  The Greek myths are mainly about men or gods (or both) raping women, trying to rape women, or failing to rape women.

  Epic Egos and Half-Baked Heroes

  PAN:

  Goat-legged god. Fond of music. Very furry.

  EROS:

  God of love. The controlling type.

  JASON:

  Adulterer. Hero.

  HERACLES:

  Perpetrator of domestic violence. Hero.

  THESEUS:

  Rapist. Hero.

  PERSEUS:

  Mediocre man bestowed gifts by the gods for no obvious reason. Hero.

  PENTHEUS:

  Perv. Otherwise, quite nice.

  NARCISSUS:

  Selfish bastard.

  ORPHEUS:

  The sensitive, musical type.

  OEDIPUS:

  Complex.

  The Perfectly Normal Women

  ARIADNE:

  Clever woman.

  MEDUSA:

  Angry woman.

  ANDROMEDA:

  Young woman.

  EUROPA:

  Pretty woman.

  EURYDICE:

  A pretty ordinary woman.

  MEDEA:

  Smart, angry woman.

  THE AMAZONS:

  Warrior women.

  PSYCHE:

  Fond of invisible men with attachment issues.

  ECHO:

  A bit repetitive.

  IO:

  A bit of a cow.

  PERSEPHONE:

  Bored to death.

  ARIADNE’S THREAD

  ‘Ariadne’s thread was a genius idea,’ said Theseus.

  So, on reflection, it had probably been his.

  HADES AND PERSEPHONE

  ‘I didn’t want to come. You kidnapped me,’ said Persephone, ‘and you forced me to stay.’

  ‘You never said “no”,’ said Hades.

  MEDUSA

  Ladies, beware: angry women grow snakes in their hair.

  PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA

  A naked woman chained to a rock.

  What’s not to like?

  ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE

  ‘There is one thing you must remember,’ Eurydice said.

  ‘Whatever you say, chickpea,’ replied Orpheus.

  ‘One important thing: you must not turn around,’ she said. ‘Should I write it down for you?’

  ‘No worries, I got it,’ Orpheus said.

  Halfway up from hell, he had forgotten what she had said, so, he turned around to ask her.

  EROS AND PSYCHE

  They’re very happy together, so long as she does what he wants.

  NARCISSUS AND ECHO

  Echo was too clingy.

  Echo was too chatty.

  Echo just went on and on.

  No wonder Narcissus preferred playing with himself.

  THE AMAZONS

  Sexy, but troubling as a concept.

  KING PENTHEUS MEETS A TRAGIC END

  Pentheus put on a dress and lipstick to watch a women-only orgy.

  But something about him stuck out.

  The women noticed, and it all went horribly wrong from there.

  MEDEA AND JASON

  After making Jason into a hero by helping him steal the Golden Fleece

  and win back his kingdom,

  and after ten years of marriage and kids,

  Jason leaves Medea for a teenage princess.

  ‘I’m doing this for us, honey,’ he tells her. ‘It’s gonna be great for the family.’

  ZEUS AND LEDA

  Zeus tried to find Leda’s clitoris, he really did. But it was kind of difficult while pretending to be a swan.

  APOLLO LUSTS AFTER DAPHNE THE NYMPH

  Daphne’s dad wanted to protect his daughter from the god, but he couldn’t find the chastity belt.

  ‘I know,’ he thought, ‘I’ll turn her into a tree. That will do the trick!�

��

  So, he did. And it did.

  HERACLES

  In a rage, Heracles crushed his wife and children to death.

  Afterwards, Heracles was sad.

  Everyone felt sorry for him and agreed that it wasn’t his fault.

  How could he help it?

  PAN AND SYRINX THE NYMPH

  Pan fancied Syrinx.

  Syrinx said ‘no’.

  Pan did not understand ‘no’.

  So, Syrinx turned herself into a reed.

  Pan still did not understand.

  He cut the reed, and blasted Syrinx’s spirit out.

  Syrinx’s spirit made a lovely ‘o’ sound.

  So, Pan gave up on Syrinx and invented the panpipes instead.

  Result!

  ZEUS AND IO

  Zeus fancied Io, so he showered her in his love.

  Hera found out and turned Io into a cow.

  Io wasn’t happy being a cow.

  ‘I would totally turn you back into a woman, I would,’ Zeus said. ‘I am, after all, the best, the strongest, the most powerful of gods. Of course, I am.

  But the wife would kill me.’

  HERACLES WINS HIPPOLYTA’S BELT

  A man beats a woman in an arm wrestle.

  That’s the story.

  It’s All Greek to Me!

  Common Expressions for Everyday Life

  TO OPEN PANDORA’S BOX:

  Making trouble. A woman’s exclusive.

  AN ECHO:

  Wife to husband: ‘Are you even listening?’

  ‘Listening?’

  BEING A CASSANDRA:

  Cassandra to husband: ‘Let’s ask for directions.’

  Husband to Cassandra: ‘I know where we’re going.’

  Cassandra to husband: ‘If we don’t ask, we’ll get lost.’

  Reader, they got lost.

  TO HARP ON:

  Only women do this. Men reiterate.

  A SISYPHEAN TASK:

  When you have to put down the loo seat.

  Again.

  TO BE AN ADONIS:

  A compliment.

  TO BE AMAZONIAN:

  Not a compliment.

  BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING GIFTS:

  Be careful when the nice man at the bar offers to show you his horse.

  HYSTERIA:

  Uniquely, female mental troubles that have nothing at all to do with men, like, ever.

  FURY:

  A feeling that helps you move on in life.

  The Trojan War

  TLDR: The Trojan War – Mostly Boring for Everyone Involved

  Helen runs off with Prince Paris of Troy. Her Greek husband, Menelaus, isn’t happy. He gathers his buddies to help him recapture Helen. This starts the siege of Troy, which lasts over ten years and involves a lot of sitting around outside, or inside, closed gates.

  WHO’S WHO: TROJAN WAR AND THE WILLIAD

  HELEN, QUEEN OF SPARTA

  Wife of Menelaus. The Most Beautiful Woman on the Planet

  The face that launched a thousand shits. In fact, she just wanted to see Paris.

  MENELAUS, KING OF SPARTA

  Husband of Helen. Not the Most Beautiful Man on the Planet

  Launches a thousand shits and starts a war because Helen wanted to see Paris.

  PARIS

  Prince of Troy

  Runs off with the most beautiful woman on the planet, but turns out to be a wuss.

  HECTOR

  Paris’ elder brother. Chief dick of the Trojan army.

  ACHILLES

  Touchy Greek hero. Rapist.

  PATROCLUS

  Achilles’ bestie and tent mate. Wink, wink.

  BRISEIS

  Achilles’ slave and trophy girlfriend.

  AGAMEMNON

  Head of the Greek army. Rapist.

  CASSANDRA

  Princess of Troy. Annoyingly right about everything.

  AJAX THE GREATER

  Aka Big Ajax. Greek hero. Rapist.

  ODYSSEUS

  Greek hero. Rapist.

  THE TROJAN HORSE

  A ruse by the Greeks to capture Troy. Weirdly enough, it succeeds.

  THE BEAUTY CONTEST

  Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena need to know:

  Who is the fairest of them all?

  Naturally, the judge is a man.

  PARIS ABDUCTS HELEN

  Paris is less cultured than Helen expected.

  MENELAUS DECLARES WAR ON TROY

  They could just ask for Helen’s opinion.

  It might avoid a war.

  But they don’t.

  THE TROJAN WAR

  Ten long years of dick waving, building up to … THE WILLIAD.

  TLDR: The Williad

  A really long poem in twenty-five books, all about the ninth year of the Trojan War. It’s the story of men who have spent the past nine years of their lives waving their willies at each other deciding to wave their willies at each other some more. It’s almost as if they never get tired of it. Sometimes the men have coffee together and agree that they should stop the willy-waving, really, but they don’t quite know how. This makes it all very tragic.

  The Williad

  DISCORD IN THE GREEK CAMP

  Agamemnon wants Achilles’ trophy girlfriend.

  Achilles doesn’t want to give up his girlfriend.

  They wave their willies at each other.

  Agamemnon wins.

  Achilles sulks and refuses to wave his willy at the Trojans.

  Nobody asks the girlfriend.

  MEANWHILE IN TROY

  ‘Beware the Greeks. We’re all going to die,’ says Cassandra.

  Hysterical woman.

  ON THE BATTLEFIELD

  Menelaus waves his willy at Paris. Paris runs away. The battle starts up again. More willy-waving ensues.

  MEANWHILE IN TROY

  ‘We’re doomed,’ Cassandra says.

  ‘Yes, dear, but I’m busy,’ says her brother Hector, and runs off to wave his willy at the Greeks.

  IN THE GREEK CAMP

  Agamemnon tries to win back Achilles.

  He promises:

  Seven tripods

  Ten bars of gold

  Twenty copper cauldrons

 

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