Are You Watching?, page 23
So I look into the blinking red light and say, ‘I made a few mistakes along the way and I’m trying to put that right.’ Turning to Mr Collins, I ask, ‘Why did you put the articles in my bag?’
He looks ashamed, nothing like the man he was at school, and glancing at the camera then the floor he says, ‘I knew your mother. We grew up together. We were friends.’
I thought only Dad and Nan had stories about Mum. I never expected an English teacher I hated to have a treasure chest filled with his own.
‘She was the first person I spoke to at secondary school,’ he whispers. ‘She sat next to me in class and smiled the biggest smile and I wasn’t scared any more. We were friends from that moment.’
He pulls something from a bag and hands it to me.
‘My leaver’s shirt,’ Mr Collins says, pointing at something written across the back.
I recognize Mum’s writing instantly.I’m expecting an essay, it says.
When I pull a face, he says, ‘I filled up half her shirt saying how much I’d miss her.’
He is silent for a while, then he mumbles, ‘I’m sorry about the articles. I was trying to help. I realize now that wasn’t the case. What kind of person puts stories about a murdered woman in her daughter’s schoolbag?’
Before, I would have said a terrible person, but, listening to him speak about my mother, I’m not so sure now.
‘I should have spoken to you,’ he says. ‘But what would I say? I know the kids see me a certain way. I thought it was better to stay anonymous. I wanted to motivate you, to ensure you never forgot what you were fighting for.’
I don’t tell him I could never forget, for a single second, what happened to her.
But thinking back to that first night after Mayfield Lodge, when I came home, convinced I was quitting the show before the article in my case and Sonia’s coup pulled me back, I realize he did help me.
‘You made a difference,’ I say, and he offers me a relieved smile.
I want him to keep talking long after he’s stopped. I want him to tell me everything he can about Mum, because he was her friend when she was my age. He knows things no one else does.
When he’s gone, Danny sits next to me and says, ‘So that’s it.’
‘I guess.’
‘It’s been an honour. I’m proud of you.’
I used to hate it when people said that, but not any more.
‘What are you going to do next?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know. Something will come up.’
‘You were a good director.’
‘It was the luck of the draw,’ he replies, and I don’t know if he means for me or for him.
144
It would be wrong to think Dad had some remarkable transformation that day. In so many ways, he’s still broken, just not as much as before.
There are times now when he gets carried away with a conversation, when his eyes start to shine, when he laughs and actually means it. These are my favourite times, even though he feels guilty afterwards.
That is a curse of the grieving: to feel ashamed of our brief moments of happiness.
On the day Elliot Farrell is found guilty of sixteen counts of murder, the day he’s told he will spend the rest of his life in jail, a shadow leaves my father’s face. The receipt, the Polaroids, the photographs my mother took, they were all used as evidence.
The man Elliot killed was called George Hanson. His family were the first to suffer, but the last to realize why. He went to school with Bernie’s mum and they reconnected online. When Elliot found out, he snuffed out the threat.
On the news, after George Hanson’s suicide was changed to murder, his family’s tears were a combination of horror, heartbreak and relief. In time, they can find closure like the rest of us, but for now they have another grief journey to complete.
When Dad hugs me, I wonder if he will ever let go. When he finally does, he pulls something from the side of his chair, but it’s not Mum’s photograph; it’s an envelope. Inside is a cheque with my name on it.
‘For the future,’ Dad says.
It’s a word we can finally think about.
‘I paid off the mortgage with your mother’s life insurance,’ he says, ‘and there was plenty left over for bills. When I work the night shifts, that’s for you.’
‘I thought you did it so you could get out of the house.’
‘I did,’ he says. ‘And it helped. But the money was always for you. So, what are you going to do with it?’
‘I might train to be a counsellor. I want to help people.’
Dad smiles and says, ‘You’ll be good at that.’ And for the first time I’m not afraid to move on. I’m not worried to leave him alone while I find my way.
That night we do what I have been planning for weeks.
As I light the candle, I think back to the prayer room, to the time I silently spoke to a woman I will never truly know.
Dad knew her in ways I can only imagine. He fell in love with her, he trusted her, he lived for her: a stranger who became his entire world.
The flame sends shadows flickering across the walls, my dad’s face looking unfamiliar in the half-light.
Whereas before I whispered into the deepest, darkest corner of my mind, now I share those thoughts with both of them: my mother and my father; the left and the left-behind.
When I’m done, I pass the candle to Dad, who stares at it in silence.
I see a hundred different emotions dance across his face, the flame steered back and forth by his breath.
For a long time, he doesn’t talk and I imagine the words in his head, the silent memories I hope he is recalling, the words he has kept hidden, slowly unwrapped and passed to the only person he ever wanted to hear them.
When he clears his throat, I stand and leave, whatever he wants to say best shared in secret.
I go to my room and record my final statement, repeating a script I’ve been working on for weeks, the one that ends the show.
Sometimes I wonder if this is real, if we really did catch him. But I only need to close my eyes to remember.
I’m not live online any more. But Adrian has granted me an epilogue: one final statement to satisfy my audience.
‘My name is Jessica Simmons,’ I say, ‘and I caught the Magpie Man. That’s what we called him before we knew better. But his real name is Elliot Farrell. His crimes and the people whose lives he destroyed should never be forgotten …’
I hear a creak on the landing and see Dad’s reflection in my wardrobe mirror. He stands for a few more seconds, not so secretly listening to me tell the world what justice feels like.
Then he looks at me through the glass and smiles.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my incredible agent, Claire Wilson. You champion my writing with such enthusiasm and I’m so grateful for your advice and support. You changed my life the day you offered me representation and this book would not exist without you.
Thank you, Tig Wallace: my first editor at Penguin Random House Children’s. Your passion for this story was clear from our first meeting and your eye for detail is superb. You coaxed a far better story out of me and I will never forget that.
To my current editor, Carmen McCullough, your fresh eyes and feedback were vital as we got this book over the line. Thank you for taking the reins from Tig with the same passion for Jess’s quest for justice.
Wendy Shakespeare and your amazing team: I am so pleased to have you in my corner. A special thanks to my copy-editor and proofreaders: Jane Tait, Marcus Fletcher and Karen Whitlock.
Thank you to everyone else at Penguin Random House Children’s who has played a part in this journey so far, especially Simon Armstrong, Michael Bedo, Camilla Borthwick, Toni Budden, James Evans, Roz Hutchison, Anne King, Amelia Lean, Gemma Rostill, Harriet Venn, Eliza Walsh and Becki Wells.
A huge thank you to my wife, Rachel. You are the love of my life and my inspiration. You were the first person to read this book and you approached each new draft with the same excitement as the last. I will be forever grateful for your advice whenever I got stuck on a plot point and for your unwavering support.
To our gorgeous son, Charlie: you weren’t around when I wrote this book but I’m delighted that you will see its publication … although it will be a few years before you can read it!
Thank you to Barry Philpott: one of my earliest readers and most enthusiastic champions. Your support and feedback were invaluable and you always believed I would achieve my dream … even when I wasn’t so sure.
Thank you to Miriam Tobin for all your work behind the scenes at RCW.
I am grateful to each and every person who reads this book. I have imagined this moment for most of my life and you are now part of that story.
The biggest thank you goes to my mum. This book only exists because you always encouraged me to dream.
And thank you to my grandmothers, Ivy and Patricia. I wish you were here to hold this book. We did it!
A Q&A with Vincent Ralph
Are You Watching? is your debut novel. What inspired you to write it?
I’ve always loved scary movies and wanted to do something similar with this book. I used to take a shortcut home after nights out, through an alley I really should have avoided. I remembered that alley when the first line of the novel came to me and it grew from there.
Why did you choose to base Are You Watching? around social media?
It used to be the case that, if you locked your doors and windows, the monsters stayed outside. Social media has changed that. But we can also use it for good, which is what Jess does. She knows that, while her story has been forgotten, YouTube offers her a chance to reach the whole world.
How did you create the Magpie Man?
Like many people, I grew up being told that seeing a single magpie is bad luck unless you wish them well. I took that idea and changed it slightly: a dad telling his daughter a story to disguise a terrible truth. Magpies collect precious things so it fitted the character perfectly.
Do you think Jess should have gone to the lengths she did to catch the Magpie Man?
Jess has spent a decade defined by her mother’s murder. For a long time, she felt powerless, but now she has a chance to solve the crime. On occasions it could be argued that she goes too far, yet she is driven solely by her quest for justice. As she says, she’s spent her life hiding, now she wants to seek.
What other books would you recommend to fans of your book?
A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson is a great hook that is brilliantly executed. I’m also a big fan of Karen M. McManus’s books. While she’s not a YA author, Gillian Flynn was a huge inspiration for Are You Watching? All her books are superb and after reading Gone Girl I was inspired to sit down and write a thriller of my own.
Who is your favourite character?
I love Emily as a character. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind and she was a lot of fun to write. She brings some light to a dark story and some of her lines still make me chuckle now.
Did you find it challenging to create a sense of mystery? What tips would you give to budding thriller writers?
When you know who did it, it’s a lot easier to draw suspicion elsewhere. I think creating mystery comes in the later drafts, when you can have fun with red herrings.
I try to picture every chapter as a scene in a film. By working in a more sensory way, I find the suspense comes easier.
Which was the most enjoyable scene to write?
The graveyard scene and the moments leading up to that were a lot of fun. I also loved writing the chapters at Mayfield Lodge. The change of setting and pace allows Jess some much-needed time to assess what she’s achieved so far and it offers her a glimpse of life after the show.
Are you scared of anything?
I’m still a little bit scared of that alley!
A note from the publisher
If you have experienced something similar to the events in this book, there are resources available to you.
Refuge is an organization providing emergency accommodation and practical support to women and children experiencing domestic violence in the UK. You can reach them through the National Domestic Violence Helpline at 0808 2000 247 and on their website at refuge.org.uk.
Victim Support is a charity dedicated to providing free and confidential support to people in England and Wales affected by crimes and traumatic events. You can visit their website at victimsupport.org.uk or call their free support line at 08 08 16 89 111, which runs 24 hours a day, every day of the year.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
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First published 2020
Text copyright © Vincent Ralph, 2020
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Cover photograph © Shutterstock
ISBN: 978-0-241-36743-8
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Vincent Ralph, Are You Watching?
