Maybe This Time, page 18
She plopped back on the bed and turned her back to him.
“I’ve been very patient with you. But you can only push a man so far.”
“You order me around like a serf. Refuse me everything—even a simple ride on the moor.”
“I gave you permission to ride.”
“With a guard.” She punched her pillow.
“To protect you.”
“Damn it, husband. If there were trouble, I’d have to protect my guard, and well you know it.”
“You’re challenging my authority yet again?”
“I’m a woman, not a bairn, Kevan Buchannan. I don’t need—”
“You’re my wife. Don’t condemn me for doing my duty to you.”
“I will ride alone. I always have and I always will.”
“So in this, too, you’ll deliberately disobey me.”
The lethal edge in his voice set her spine to tingling, but her pride wouldn’t let her back down. “I will ride alone.”
“You will not,” he said from between his teeth. “What you will do, is follow my lead. My arms wait. Come!”
She didn’t move.
“Are you daft, woman? Don’t understand your jeopardy?”
“I’m in no jeopardy.”
“Aye, you are in great jeopardy,” he contradicted her. “Still your tongue and be loving. My anger grows stronger with your every word.”
“I’ll not do it, Kevan.” She plucked at the threads in the quilt.
“Then you leave me no choice but to punish you.”
Finally the stubborn lout was getting the message that he couldn’t order her around. Alyssa shrugged and nearly smiled. “I’ve suffered your punishment before, husband. You don’t beat women, and not touching me hurts you just as much me—this time, it’ll hurt you more. You’re the one who wants to be loving, not me. So what will I suffer? I won’t, I’d say.”
“You’d be wrong, you little hellion. I don’t beat women, but I warn you, I’ve been known to put an insolent lass over my knee. Now this is the last time I ask. Do you come?”
She snapped her jaw shut. “When Hell turns to ice, husband.”
Kevan sat up and lowered his legs from the bed to the floor. “You leave me no choice.” He looked back at her, his expression black as night. “The fault for what comes is yours, not mine.”
Pity, what had she done? Alyssa scrambled up and rushed toward the door.
“Don’t do it. Don’t even think it.”
She stopped in her tracks, looked back, and realized running would only make it worse. She leaned back against the smooth stone wall. Why had she goaded him? She knew his temper! “Kevan, you wouldn’t.”
“I will.” He walked toward her, his jaw set.
“I’m no bairn!”
“Nay, you’re not. Your insults were deliberate. And you will suffer just punishment for giving them.”
“Kevan, don’t do this.” Frantic, she licked her lips. “For pity’s sake.”
He kept coming.
“I—I’ll never forgive you. Never.”
He spanned her ribs with his big hands. “Aye, wife, you will.”
“I’ll not.” She pushed at him, but he didn’t budge. Trembling, she looked up and saw his fierce scowl. Her fear deepened.
“I asked only that you be loving. In anger, you refused. You’ve earned your troubles, now you must learn their value. I won’t beat you, Alyssa, but your backside will well remember this night.”
He carried her back to the bed. Sitting on its edge, he stood her before him. “You’ve challenged my authority, my worth, and my value to you as your husband. You’ve levied curses on my head, wished me ill, and tried my patience more often than you’ve blinked. I’ve tried explaining this through my treatment of you, but it’s clear that you must learn it for yourself. There are two kinds of pain. Both are meant to punish, but only one is inflicted for good reason, with honor and respect. The other is inflicted to embrace anger. You refuse me the pleasures of loving to torment the need in me for you. It’s just that you suffer both pains. Then you’ll see how they differ, and I pray you will not soon forget the lesson.” He grimaced. “I take little pleasure in this, but it, too, is my duty. I won’t neglect my duties to you.”
With a gentle hand, he loosened the ribbons and her nightgown slid down, puddling at her feet. He tugged at her hips. She struggled, but within seconds, she was draped across his thighs, her face brushing his calf. “Kevan, no.”
“I wanted only for you to follow my lead. Only to protect you and be loving with you. That’s all I wanted.”
The emotion in his voice struck her deep. She thought back, and everything he had done, he had done for just those reasons. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with shame. He’d acted honorably from the start. He’d tested her to learn her ways. She’d tested him, she’d thought, to prove her worth. But she hadn’t. She’d meant to best him. “I was wrong. Punish me, Kevan. Give me back my honor.”
Kevan stared at the back of her head, admiring her more in that moment than ever before. Even now, she remained a warrior at heart. Though the task turned his stomach, he lifted his hand, and did his duty.
When it was over, he stood her up, turned his back, and stared out the window.
Alyssa cried in earnest, but she had begged no mercy. Her backside still stung, yet she knew he had held back. Not once had anger crossed his palm. Most importantly, she’d regained her honor, without costing him his.
His shoulders were slumped. “Kevan?”
He turned and she saw the pain in his eyes. “I never want to do that again. You’re my wife, Alyssa.”
She eased her arms around his waist and leaned against his chest. “I know. You lead me to protect me. I know the difference now. And no anger has the power of pleasure.”
He pulled her closer, tighter, and shuddered, his warm breath fanning her neck. “Nay, love. No anger has that power.”
He kissed her tenderly, then released her and returned to their bed and stretched out. God, he was a beautiful man. Virile and strong, and the look in his eyes was so . . . possessive.
“Come.” He lifted a hand.
Wasn’t he finished? Her heart slammed against her ribs. Her knees grew weak. But she did as her husband bid, and prayed her backside wouldn’t regret it. She lay down beside him on her stomach, braced herself—and waited. Trust. He was testing her trust.
The hands that touched her now were gentle, soothing. And the lips that followed them gave loving kisses to tend the flesh he’d made sore.
His voice was thick, husky. “Turn over, wife.”
Desire burned in his eyes, but she saw pain there, too. What he had done to her, he’d done in duty, but it had brought him no joy.
He rolled onto his back and opened his arms. “Come. Be loving.”
She met his embrace. He caressed her body with kisses until she thought she would die if he didn’t give her more. When it finally came, his entry was powerful, their mating, wild and abandoned. She strained to satisfy a need for him that burned beyond desire, its pressure building stronger and stronger in her center. More and more dense. She cried out to him. “Kevan.”
His steady thrusts grew rampant, frantic. She couldn’t hold back. The tremors racking her body stormed to shudders. His body tensed. She heard his primal cry. Felt the full, round swells of his buttocks grow hollow with his last explosive thrust. And deep in her womanhood, she felt him pulse, filling her with his seed.
“Husband,” she breathed against his lips, then settled into a loving kiss.
Kevan let her have her way, but when she released him, he reclaimed her sweet lips. He demanded this kiss be different than any he’d given her before. This kiss was meant to touch her mouth, aye. But he also meant to touch her heart.
He must now repay his debt to her. With grace, she had accepted her destiny. And in loving him from her heart afterward, without anger, without resentment, she had eternally captured her husband’s soul.
DURING THE NIGHT, Alyssa grew chilled and reached for her husband to steal some of his warmth. “Kevan,” she mumbled.
When she found her bed empty, she came fully awake. “Kevan?”
“Here, love. By the window.”
“What is it? Are you ill?”
“Nay, ‘tis nothing, love. Go back to sleep.”
He didn’t sound like it was nothing. Alyssa crawled out of bed and went to him. The floor under her feet was cold, and she shivered. “Kevan?”
He wrapped her in his arms. “You should be in bed. In no time you’ll be chilled to ice.”
“You’ll keep me warm.” She snuggled to him. “What’s troubling you?”
“We leave in the morning for Innes’s holding. I’ll be taking young James with me.”
“Young James, but not me.” She failed to keep disappointment from her voice.
“You must stay home.” His hand brushed her bottom, and she winced. “Does it hurt overly much?”
“Not overly much.” She looked up at him and asked the question she should have asked him before. “Why can’t I go with you?”
He pressed his lips against her forehead. “You must defend our home.”
Alyssa blinked. “That’s why you want me here?”
“I want you safe. But you are a skilled warrior and, if the need arises, who better than you to defend my people?”
He did think her of value. A knot swelled in her throat. “I’ll miss you.”
“You’re not going to challenge me?” There was pleasure in his voice.
“I think not. You’re a most convincing husband.”
Kevan frowned. “I hope that means I’ll never have to discipline you again. I want—”
“Only to lead me, to be protective, and loving.” She nodded. “I remember. And I, too, prefer pleasure to pain.”
Kevan smiled down at her. “You’re not angry with me.”
“Nay, you didn’t do it to be cruel. ‘Twas your duty.” She stroked his jaw. “And I think that this punishment, too, hurt you more than it did me—though you’ll not have my trouble sitting down for the next few days.”
His eyes twinkled. “You are in pain, love?”
She gave him a woeful look. “Aye, husband.” Raking his bare thigh with her fingertips, she let her hand drift up under his plaid and captured him. “Unbearable pain.”
THOUGH ALYSSA prayed it wouldn’t, dawn came.
She had hoped to see tinges of pink blend with lavender and gold, but when she looked out of her bedroom window, it was an angry sky she saw. A blanket of slate, swirling amid thick patches of dense fog and forbidding masses of burgeoning clouds.
Resisting the urge to bury her head beneath the covers, she swallowed a knot of apprehension and looked across the room. Kevan was preparing to leave. God, but he was big. And powerful. That he could inflict pain didn’t surprise her. But how could such a massive man be so tender and gentle?
His scent clung to her skin. She inhaled deeply and watched him belt his plaid and slide his dagger into place. His hands were strong and able, agile and quick. They were hands she depended on, hands the Buchannan clan depended on, and she trusted them. Completely.
He reached for his sword and a thick shock of dark curls danced on his neck. She remembered the silky feel of them in her hands. “Kevan?”
He settled his sword and looked up at her. “Aye?”
“Something has worried me overly long. May I ask you about it?”
He stopped and waited, granting her his full attention.
“The day we wed, who was the white-haired man in the wood?”
He looked puzzled, his brows arched in question. “What white-haired man?”
“I wasn’t spying, but I was there. I saw you talking with him.”
“I spoke with no white-haired man there, Alyssa. I know no white-haired man. But I did find myself in the wood, and—”
“And?”
He looked wary. “I don’t know how I got there. I remember hearing hoofbeats, but—”
“They were Streak’s,” Alyssa said. “I’d ridden her hard and stopped there for her to rest. If you don’t want to tell me who he was—”
“I don’t know who he was. Or if he was. One minute, I was talking to David near the fire, the next, I was standing alone in the wood. I vow that’s the truth, wife. I spoke with no white-haired man.”
Alyssa measured him with a level look, never doubting his honesty. Kevan Buchannan would never swear on a matter he knew was false. “Where did you get your amulet?”
Kevan palmed the crystal. “I don’t know. I’ve always worn it.”
“Duncan has one like it,” Alyssa said. “He began wearing it the day you made him lord of Cameron.”
“Where did he get his?”
“I thought you’d given it to him.”
“Nay. I’ve never seen another like mine.”
She crossed the room and rested her head against his chest. The chill night air smelled fresh and crisp. “Duncan said you were special. He believes in angels, you know.” She looked up at Kevan. “I do, too.”
“You think I’m an angel?” He smiled down at her.
“Nay, love, you’re too wicked in bed to be an angel. You’re most definitely a man. But I do think you might keep company with an angel.” When he didn’t accuse her of being crazed, she went on. “I think the white-haired man is an angel. You seemed to know him well, except—”
He stilled at rubbing tiny circles on her back. “Except what, love?”
Alyssa frowned. “I couldn’t hear everything, but he called you by another name.”
Kevan tensed. “What did he call me?”
Alyssa reared back and watched his eyes for any flicker of recognition. “Prophet.”
Kevan was silent for a long moment, then shook his head. “It means nothing to me.” He shot her a worried look. “If this happened, then why don’t I remember it?”
“I don’t know. But I do know what I saw and didn’t see.”
“Didn’t see? That’s an odd choice of words.”
“Not really. What I didn’t see was truly odd, though.” She licked her lips, then whispered to lessen the shock. “Kevan, the man had no eyes.”
“No eyes?” Kevan squeezed her. “Have you been tipping the jug, wife?”
“For pity’s sake, you know I never touch spirits. My father—”
“Mayhap you should. If you see angels with no eyes without ale, mayhap with it you’d—”
“Stop it,” she interrupted. “I’m telling you the truth. Doesn’t it concern you that you’ve spoken to a man you don’t recall? To a man who’s clearly not a man?”
“I don’t remember it. To me, it didn’t happen.”
“But it did happen, Kevan. I saw it happen.”
He let her words settle between then, then cupped her face in his hands. “I don’t know what it means, love. But if the man is an angel, then we must have faith that he means us no harm.” He touched his lips to her forehead. “Now, I must go. My men wait.”
Alyssa released him and stepped away.
“Walk down with me?” He held out his hand.
Her heart in her throat, Alyssa took it, laced their fingers together, then they started down the stairs. “At Cameron we have a tradition. We toast our men going to war. May I do that here?”
“If it pleases you.” Kevan left the steps and started toward the door.
She smiled up at him. “It does.”
He lifted her hand, pressed it to his lips, then opened the door.
Outside, a messenger covered with dirt and grime met Alyssa and Kevan on the keep’s landing. A spark of recognition niggled at her. Dark circles under his eyes and the slump of his shoulders told her that the man was tired. He must have ridden hard. She didn’t know him—that she was sure of. Yet she had seen him before . . . somewhere. The battle, mayhap?
The guard fidgeted under her gaze and addressed Kevan. “Laird, Innes and the raiders have joined forces—just as Lady Alyssa said. They’ve attacked the MacMillians. Word is they’ve killed the lord.”
Alyssa gasped, caught Kevan’s arm in a death grip. “Oh, God, James.”
“He knows about his father,” the messenger told Alyssa, then turned to Kevan. “He’s saddling your stallion now.”
Minutes later, Alyssa handed the mounted warriors bundles of food and goblets filled with ale, then climbed the steps to the front door of the hall. She turned and smiled at the men, but her lower lip quivered. “You’re precious to your people. I charge you to take care and return home safely.”
The men drank their ale, and Margar swiftly gathered their cups. When she returned to Alyssa’s side, Alyssa again addressed the warriors. “And don’t worry about your food. I didn’t cook it.”
Laughter filled her ears, and she sought Kevan. He was smiling down at her from astride his beautiful stallion. He looked magnificent; strong, virile, and loving. It was a picture of him that burned into her memory, and claimed its own corner of her heart.
She gave Beautiful’s silky neck a gentle pat, then stepped to her husband’s side. “God speed.”
Kevan bent down and kissed his wife. Her lips were soft, open, and giving, drawing him, and he surrendered to her kiss.
Hearing whistles and cheers, he raised his head. Alyssa sat full in his lap, smiling up at him. He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I’ve need to say something to you, wife. I wanted to wait until we were alone, but I must say the words now—before I go.” He looked deeply into her eyes, his own full of conviction. “I love you, my lady. I always will.”
“Oh, Kevan,” she cried, her eyes filling with tears. She wanted to tell him that she loved him, too. But she’d never felt love and, though she felt much for him, she couldn’t be sure it was love. She’d not sin against her husband by lying to him—even unintentionally. “Come home safe to me.”
He nodded and set her to the ground.
As the men rode off, she walked among them. “Tam!” she called out. “Don’t mix your food with anyone else’s. Yours is soft, to not annoy your loose teeth.”
