Always By Your Side: Evan and Ryan, page 14
Speaking of Ryan, he finally made his semi-secret relationship with Liam official. They have been together for about a month, and every weekend that he comes home I realize how lucky I am to have Dina and Zoey and this place, because they allow me to not see those two kissing on every surface in the house.
-Evan are you listening?- asks Ryan, but I am doing my best not to hear what he is talking about. Liam, the gorgeous, very gorgeous Liam, found a job in the city and my best friend is asking me if it would be okay with me if he moved in with us.
So don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the two of them and their relationship and I like Liam, but I can't stand them together. They're always clinging together and it's sickening, but this was every other weekend, so I was okay with it. If he were to move in with us it would be an everyday thing. It doesn't bother me because of my feelings for Ryan, no absolutely not. I am not jealous because I have accepted that he is too much for me and I also realized that I love him so much that the only thing I care about is his happiness. If he is happy I am happy.
So all this is just to say that it just bothers me that they don't miss a chance to kiss making me feel lonely as a dog because I would like a relationship like that too, but I don't have one and probably never will.
-Yes I heard you. Do you want to live with Liam?- I ask seriously because they have been together for a month and moving in together seems a bit extreme and rushed, but who am I to judge since I did the same with Toni? They are also childhood friends, though, so their relationship is completely different from the one I had with my ex when we moved in together.
-Yes, I would like to live with him. Are you okay with him moving in with us?- He asks and I'm confused. I have been since that damn date, but this is not the point, or the time to clear things up.
-The house is yours and so is the boyfriend. What does anything have to do with me? You are the one who is going to live with his partner- I really say not understanding what he is telling me.
-But you live in here too- nice fucking argument.
-Ryan, it wouldn't be any different from when he comes here on weekends. Besides, he cooks and that's a point in his favor- I say getting up and grabbing my bag to leave. I'm in danger of being late if I stay here any longer talking to Ryan about nothing.
-Where are you going?- he asks giving me a dirty look and I roll my eyes.
-I'm going to work, as I do every evening,- I say looking at him evilly.
-I thought it was an excuse to say you're dating someone- he says scratching his head and right now I want to slap him. What kind of job would that be?
-No, Ryan. I've been working at that place for two months- I say seriously worried now.
True, we haven't talked much anymore, but I thought he at least knew I had a real job. I'm sure I told him, one of the few times he spoke to me.
-What do you do?-
-I sing in a pub.- The look on his face is priceless. Pure surprise, as if I had never told him about it before.
-I thought it was just sometimes and for fun. I didn't think it was a serious job-
-I'm going to be late Ryan. Will I see you tomorrow? And it's all the same for me about Liam moving in, really. I'm rarely home anyway- I say walking out the door pissed off. Or maybe I'm just disappointed.
I should have expected it probably, since he doesn't even seem to see me lately. Seeing the surprised look on his face hurt me so much and I realized that it's maybe just me holding on to a friendship that died long ago, even before I moved in with Toni.
When I came back I thought we were recovering our relationship, but maybe it was just pity from him and then he had the phase where he thought he loved me and then he found out about my past and got over it. Ah yes, I came to the conclusion that he never really loved me like that, also because a love like the one he described, which is similar to mine for him, does not pass in a matter of a few weeks like it did for him.
Were we ever really friends? Maybe when we were little babies, then we stayed close maybe out of a sense of obligation because of our parents' friendship. He is Ryan and he would never evade his parents and since his mother has always doted on me, he has been there for me to protect me and make Candy happy.
I arrive at the pub in a bad mood and today is also Friday, so no Zoey to keep me company or lift my mood by singing with me.
I help the guys behind the bar to pass the time and talking to the bar usual customers helps take my mind off my idiot best friend, though maybe I should stop calling him that. I serve beers and cocktails, which Dina kindly taught me to make, and try to keep busy.
When it's almost my turn I go to the dressing room to take off my white waiter shirt and put on my usual clothes. White T-shirt, red plaid shirt and ripped black jeans.
I go on stage with a smile and being here gives me peace of mind and I forget about everything and everyone. Using music to distract myself was the best choice. There was a time when I might have used hard drugs and alcohol, but I am better than that. I want to show that to everyone, especially Ryan. I want him to see that the little boy who allowed that night to happen is gone.
Toward the end of my time I notice a familiar face in the front row wearing a cap to camouflage and I smile at him. I haven't seen him in a long time, too, because it's been so many Fridays since I've been home for their beers night.
I get off the stage to go say hello to him and he invites me to the bar for a drink.
-You are wonderful, my darling. Your mother did an outstanding job. Beautiful and talented- Dina says hugging me and I burst out laughing. My mother would be happy to hear something like that.
-I'm sure she would love to hear you say that- I say imagining Mrs. Grace's smug face, as Ryan calls her. And there's the head that always goes back to him.
Dina gives me a kiss on the cheek and then turns away to go find I don't know what in her office.
-If she were ten years younger she would hit on you- says Jimmy sitting at the counter next to me.
-We both know I wouldn't be interested even in then- I say then ask my friend Brian to give us two beers and I pay for both of us.
-Ryan the infamous didn't tell me you sing here- he says sipping his beer.
-Apparently he didn't know either. He thought it was an excuse to hang out with I don't know who- I say still nervous with that idiot.
-Are you here every Friday? Is that why I don't see you in the house anymore?- He asks.
-I'm here every night to tell the truth-.
-And he thought you were doing what? Man Liam fucked his brains out good- he says shaking his head.
-I wouldn't know what he was thinking. What are you doing here?- I ask after a while.
-I’m trying to look like a normal guy. I'm here with my brothers- he says pointing to a table across the room. There are three boys engaged in a conversation that is very animated by the way they gesticulate.
-Are they here for the game?- I ask amused by the scene in front of me.
-Yes. Once a month they show up unannounced at my door. Usually they do it on Saturdays, but this time they wanted to surprise me even more by coming on Thursday morning at eight o’clock- I burst out laughing and he throws me a playful punch.
-Well, I won't take up any more of your time. Go and entertain your fans- I make to walk away but he stops me with his elbow.
-Listen, I know it's none of my business, but is everything okay with Ryan?- He asks seriously and I shake my head.
-I don't know. It would seem so, but after today's conversation, I guess not.- He nods, however, says nothing. He raises his bottle for a toast and I do the same then he goes back to his brothers.
I go back to the dressing room to put my things away then say goodbye to Dina and the boys and leave. I am tired and have a lot to think about.
I enter the house by eleven o'clock and find Liam and Ryan on the couch, who, hear hear, are kissing. It almost seems like that's all they know how to do, and I like to think it's because of the distance.
Mom calls me right now and I have never been more grateful to her than at this instant. She just saved me from an awkward conversation with Ryan and his man.
-Hello Mom- I say closing the door behind me. I wave to the two on the couch and head for the kitchen to get some water.
-Are you home or are you still at the club?- she asks anxiously.
-I just entered the house. Tell me-
-Listen son. I talked to Candy and she told me that Ryan and Liam want to live together- she says in a worried tone. Ryan enters the kitchen just then and I hesitate before answering.
-Mom, listen Ryan is here, I'll talk to him for a second then I'll call you back, okay?- She says yes and then hangs up.
-Is everything okay at home? Why are you calling at this hour?- He asks really worried.
-She claims that with the work excuse I never call her and wanted to chat a little- I say opening the fridge to get water.
-Ah ok. Good night then- he says behind me and I turn to answer him, but he is already gone.
I run up the stairs and then lock the door behind me and call my mother back as I get into bed and she answers after half a ring.
-So before you say anything, I would like to emphasize that they are two adults and it is none of our business what they do- I say interrupting her.
-That's not why I called you. I wanted to know if you still like him- she hadn't asked me any more questions about my feelings and I did my best not to think about it.
-Of course I still like him Mom, he is Ryan- I admit tired of lying to myself and everyone.
-Then listen to me very carefully, Evan. You are going to get your computer now and start looking for an apartment and by next week I want you out of there. As soon as you find something tell me and I'll come myself to help you move- now that is one thing I didn't expect to hear. Not after all the drama I've had in the past when I was the one who wanted to move out. Even when I moved in with Toni I had to push a little to get her to give in.
-Mom I can't do that, it will look like I'm not okay with their relationship, when I don't have any problem with it- I say pulling my hair out.
-I don't care what they think. You are my son and I want to protect you. If you stay there with them you'll just hurt- only from her voice I can tell she's crying and I'm not okay with that. She never cries. Not in front of me at least. She also never calls me alone without Ryan's mom, so it must be really serious.
-I don't want to ruin things between you and Candy, Mom- I still admit feeling the tears burning my eyes.
-She feels the same way, honey. She understands the situation and agrees.-
After reassuring and calming her I hang up, promising her that I will look for a house and get out of here as soon as possible. I don't know when Liam is moving out, heck I don't even know if he already has, but the two moms are right. As always.
I love Ryan and I have to leave before I really start feeling the weight of this relationship. For now I was pretending like nothing happened, but we all know I'm not completely up for the idea of him being happy with someone else. Besides I thought it was just a phase, but now we are talking about living together and I don't want to be there when they talk about marriage.
As long as he only came on weekends it was easy to avoid him because I would sleep late then leave to go to the club and on Sunday we would go to the stadium then disappear to the club and by the time I came back, Liam was already gone.
Living together would be more complicated because I would be with him alone when Ryan goes away and avoiding him during the week would be impossible.
I turn on my laptop and open a real estate site to look for apartments in the area. I work and study nearby, so it would be the most convenient thing, however, I don't have Ryan's salary and houses nearby are expensive. I'm in deep shit.
My eyes burn slightly when I realize that he is really moving in with Liam. It means he's actually over me and the bastard Toni was right. I staked my respect and that night in particular marked my life. After that event I could no longer believe in myself and if Toni did what he did it was because I was worthless and I lacked the personality to stop him. Just as I did not stop my attacker that night. Who would want to be with an excuse of a man like me? Certainly not me, let alone a perfect man like Ryan.
Is my friendship with Ryan worth anything? Does he continue to be my friend just because of our parents or is it because he really wants to be? Is he my friend? The thoughts I had this afternoon come back to me again all at once making me doubt many things. Especially our friendship.
Only now do I consider the fact that he might really be so grossed out that he no longer wants to be my brother. Heck it took him nothing to put aside his feelings for me and to seriously date someone else. That is, of course, assuming those feelings were there.
Enough of the tale about me just wanting to see him happy even if with someone else. We all know I would prefer him happy AND with me.
CHAPTER 23
I come out of the locker room to walk to the car after practice and Jimmy runs up behind me and tells me to stop for a second that he needs to talk to me. Yesterday at the game he hardly spoke to me and now he wants to talk?
-You are the worst friend ever- he attacks me right away. I wish I knew what I might have done to him.
-What are we talking about?- I ask bored and confused.
-Evan. Do you ever talk to the poor guy?- He asks furiously with me.
-Of course we talk. He lives in my house! What's going on Jimmy?- I'm losing my patience.
-He's been working at that club for two months and you never wondered where he goes every night?- He asks and I roll my eyes.
-It wouldn’t be so strange if he went out every night. He used to and I thought he was back to his habits- I say truthfully. I thought the work thing was really an excuse, so after three times he gave me the same answer without elaborating further after I asked him where he was going, I stopped asking questions. Also I was glad that he was getting a life and wanted him to get away from me.
-You should go and listen to him sometime- he says and I burst out laughing.
-Why should I?-
-Maybe because he comes to watch every one of your games and if you don't play here he watches you on TV even though he hates football?- I'm sure he's about to slap me and maybe I deserve it too.
-You're right. I will go. Now I have to go- I say walking away and calling myself an idiot.
I'm the idiot who ruined everything and to pay for it once again is Evan. I'm really fucking selfish and can't seem to change that.
I walk into the house and see Evan on the couch with his laptop and headphones. I look at him for a few seconds and smile because he is really beautiful and must be even more so on stage. I scold myself and go to the kitchen to see what's left of the food Liam has prepared for us. He cooks pretty much all week every time he comes here and freezes things. He says Evan is busy and it is not fair that he also has to cook for me because I am not able to do it myself.
One thing I didn't expect when I saw him back here in town was that I could really start to have feelings for him. We dated for a while and then things got serious and I tried my best to make him happy. I want things to work out with him. I failed with Evan and I wouldn't want to fail with Liam as well.
I think having real feelings for someone other than Evan was easy this time because I finally accepted that there can never be anything between him and me. I didn't start this relationship knowing already that it won't last like I always did.
Another thing that surprised me was how easily Evan accepted our relationship. At no time did he ever make a comment. When I told him, he smiled at me, really, and said he was happy for us. Part of me maybe expected some jealousy or otherwise a different reaction, but it didn't happen. When Liam came home the first time he talked to him normally and even laughed with us then he went out because it was getting late and I thought it was a date and instead it was really work.
-Hey, I didn't hear you come in- he says putting down his laptop and headphones on the counter.
-How are you doing?- I ask watching him go to the fridge. He drinks an absurd amount of water.
-Well. You still have food so I can leave assured that when I return the house will still be standing.- He jokes pulling out the containers for me. And even though I never explained, he still treats me as if we were brothers. I really don't deserve him.
-Listen, I want you to hear it from me before the gossips spill it. I'm moving in with a friend of mine. She's looking for a roommate and I can't afford a house here in the area by myself so it suits both of us- I didn't even know she was looking for a house. I didn't even know he had a friend he's so close with that he's moving in together.
-Are you leaving?- I ask really surprised. I thought he was okay with Liam coming here with us. He could have told me he was not okay with it. We would have found another solution.
-Ryan, let's not kid ourselves. You and Liam want to live together and I will be in the way here. I hadn't thought about it before, but I think it's the best thing for everyone.-
-You wouldn't be in the way. He's fine with you living with us. Heck he knows we've always been a take-it-or-leave-it package- Liam was my best friend in high school and he knows what Evan means to me and my family. My mother calls him her son, man.
-Not for me, and I'm not going to lie to you. It didn't work out between us and I really understand that, but that does not mean I'm over you. I'm glad things are going well between you and Liam and believe me when I say I wish you both the best, but living in here with the two of you together would be too much for me and we know how I get when I have too many emotions to deal with- again I realize that I haven't considered his of feelings.
I like Liam and I really want to keep dating him and living with him, so I'm not going to be selfish this time. I'm not going to beg Evan to let him stay in the house with us, knowing that it might hurt him or make him go back to his old ways.
-I can help you with the rent if you need it. In fact, I'll buy the house and you can live there with whoever you want- I offer.
