Hope Makes Love, page 23
He says, “I didn’t do anything! What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything!”
And I’m going to wail on him. I swear to God, Marcie, I’m going to give him everything I’ve got. And there are people there now, like in the hallway, watching. They’ve heard the shouting or something so there’s maybe six, eight? I dunno. Doesn’t matter. They’re starting to edge in but I’m not thinking about them or anything else, just this asshole and making him fucking hurt and then … and then Hope, behind me, Hope says, “Zep.” This small voice she says, “Zep.”
She’s sitting up on the bed. She’s giving me this look like she really doesn’t know what’s happening. Like a little kid. And she’s taking big slow breaths like people do when they’re waking up.
She puts out her hand to me and says, “Let’s go, okay?”
So I just put my arm around her and get her to her feet. And I pick up her notebook and if Rick or Tammy or anybody else is saying anything I don’t hear them.
And we just … we just got out of there. That’s all we did.
I got her in the car and drove back here. And she didn’t say anything the whole way. We got to the hotel and rode up the elevator and she was just quiet, staring ahead like she was, I dunno, half asleep or half dead.
I walked her to her room and stood there while she was trying to go in. She was fumbling with her key card. You know, not putting it in the right way, like she hasn’t done it a thousand times. So I took it out of her hands and I put it in and got her door open.
She was going in, still hadn’t said a word. I said, “Hope, what happened? Are you okay?”
She just looked up at me and gave me this kinda sad smile and said, “I have to go to sleep. Good night.” And she shut the door.
So now, Marcie … I dunno. What should I do? I’m kinda locked up here. You know? Like I can’t … I can’t figure out what to do. If you think of anything, you know, when you hear this, call me or email me or something. No, call me.
Okay.
Thursday, April 30
THE NATURE OF INVESTIGATION is extrinsic. It can have nothing to do with the investigator; it is impersonal. The moment bias enters, or wishful thinking, the moment a scientist in the act of inquiry is beset by anger, or fear, or hope, the investigation is rendered useless. Nothing can be believed. No finding is left pure.
On a day of work, in the midst of study, the investigator is inviolate, untouchable. Logic can only be cold.
Zep is confused and concerned. I have no place for his concerns. Nowhere to put them. He comes to me with his questions, his anxieties, his earnest desire to help, and I let them fall off me like shavings. Today, this is the only way it can be.
Phase 4 — Attachment
(Preliminary notes)
The primary goal of this investigation has been a) to resuscitate or reforge the “love” of the subject, Emily Good, for the object, Zep Baker, by stimulating appropriate neurochemical responses, and b) to do so in such a way that the subject perceives her emotions to have arisen spontaneously, without outside interference, and to represent her true feelings.
To the extent that previous phases of this investigation have successfully induced in the subject feelings of warmth, affection and infatuation (however transient), the objective of this final phase is to expand and anchor these emotions with the perception of a special bond between the subject and object. In the clinical expression we call this the “attachment” phase.
Based on our research, we believe that the primary requirement for attachment (assuming the precondition of infatuation) is a shared interest or concern. Further, to induce the strength of bond required for this final phase, within the compressed time frame available to us, we believe that this shared concern must be extreme in nature.
While past experiments, such as those with prairie voles (Carter, 2004), show oxytocin to be a chief neurochemical component of attachment, oxytocin alone drives feelings of comfort and nurturing, the sort of love one feels for a child. Added components are necessary to elevate this feeling to the level of a romantic bond.
We propose to intensify the subject’s attachment to the object by activating release of catecholamines simultaneously with the attachment chemical oxytocin. By triggering the fear/excitement chemicals involved during the infatuation phase — epinephrine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine — in concert with the compounds associated with nurturing, we intend to precipitate in the mind of the subject a profound emotional connection with the object.
To achieve this we must therefore cause both Emily and Zep to perceive a threat or feel fear in connection to a shared concern, which in this case will be their daughter, Pebbles.
ZB Transcript 24
MARCIE, THANKS AGAIN FOR CALLING this morning. Sorry if Ramone got upset with me for dragging you away from making breakfast and all that. The guy’s gotta learn how to shove some bread in the fuckin’ toaster, you know?
Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said … about letting Hope kind of take — what did you call it? — take the lead on this whole thing. Like take charge, I guess. She’s the one who knows what she needs on this — I mean, if anything happened. So I gotta wait for her to tell me. I know that’s what you’re saying.
Trouble is though, she’s not telling me shit. I called her this morning, after I got off the phone with you, and she said she couldn’t talk to me. And then I went up to her room and knocked on her door, and she just slid a card under telling me, basically, have a nice day.
I’m serious! I’m looking at this thing right now. “Have a good time with Emily and Pebbles.” That’s all it says.
What the fuck is that?
I dunno, I’m really worried. I just think, if you’ve got bad stuff to deal with you gotta deal with it. You can’t, like, pretend it didn’t happen. I’m worried that’s what she’s doing. And I’m worried that just means it’s gonna, like, get worse for her. Eat at her insides or something and make her crazy or make her … I dunno.
I mean, people do things, right?
Part of me, I mean … part of me really wants to go back to Kelsoe’s and put him face down in his fucking pool until he tells me what he did to her. But I know I can’t do that either. Like you said, whether he did anything or not, that’s an assault charge for me either way. So, yeah. That’s out for now.
No promises if I hear that asshole did do something, though.
So, the rest of the day I’m just basically gonna hang out here in case Hope needs me. And then when it’s time I’ll head over to the school for Peb’s concert. I don’t know what Hope has planned. We haven’t gone over anything so maybe she’s not gonna be involved. Maybe it’s all up to me now.
Last night, before the party, Hope was saying that Emily’s probably been thinking about me a lot since that thing in the car. Thinking about the scare, mostly, but thinking about me, too. And about the kiss we had. She said it’d be on a loop in her mind, all night probably. “Obsessive thinking,” she called that. One of the chemicals I guess.
So now maybe all I have to do is pay off on that. Maybe this card is all the instructions I’m getting: “Have a nice time.”
Guess we’ll see.
Thursday, April 30 (later)
I HAVE SPENT TWO HOURS SHOPPING for the clothes of someone opposite to me. Bright colour has never lain comfortably on my skin. It suggests a wish to be seen, to be picked out in the crowd. Sunny blues, pinks and yellows come as naturally to me as they would to a field mouse waiting for a hawk’s shadow to pass. But when one has a well-established preference for dressing neck-to-ankle as a pall, colour can function effectively as camouflage.
It also helps to catch the eye of a young girl.
Phase 4, Log A
(Note: This log is a record of findings involving two subjects: Emily Good and Zep Baker. Whereas previously Zep Baker was a knowing participant as the object of Emily Good’s attention, for this phase he was excluded from preparations and had no foreknowledge. This was done to allow the greatest potential for attachment by ensuring that the reactions of Emily Good and Zep Baker would be equally spontaneous, and equally strong.
Descriptions of events in this log were taken from direct observation. The investigator was stationed nearby the subjects, moving as they moved, close enough to discern facial expressions but for the most part too far to hear words exchanged. At no time was the presence of the investigator detected by the subjects.)
4:35 p.m.: Driving her Honda CR-V, the subject Emily Good arrives at City Honors School accompanied by her daughter, Pebbles, and parks in the lot behind the main building.
4:36 p.m.: Emily and Pebbles exit the vehicle and quickly enter the school. Halfway to the auditorium, Emily and Pebbles hug and part. Emily proceeds to the auditorium while Pebbles makes her way down a different corridor toward the classroom where she is expected to assemble with other participating students prior to the concert.
(Note that the investigator was, for approximately ten minutes from this point, unable to observe the subject, Emily Good. However, it is reasonable to assume she remained in the auditorium. Observation resumed at the moment she was joined by Zep Baker.)
4:47 p.m.: Driving his rented Cadillac, the subject Zep Baker arrives at City Honors School and parks in the lot several car spaces away from Emily’s Honda.
4:48 p.m.: Zep enters the school and makes his way to the auditorium along with other parents just arrived.
4:49 p.m.: Zep enters the auditorium and scans the audience already assembled, which takes up approximately a third of the seating. On stage a group of approximately thirty empty folding chairs and music stands await the arrival of the student orchestra.
4:50 p.m.: Zep spots Emily, sitting in the fourth row of seats. He walks quickly toward her, weaving his way through the other arriving audience members.
4:51 p.m.: Emily sees Zep approaching. She seems pleased to see Zep, as if she has been anticipating his arrival. This would be consistent with depressed levels of serotonin caused by a surge of dopamine released in the wake of the previous day’s traumatic event.
4:52 p.m.: Emily and Zep greet each other with affection, hugging lightly and kissing on the cheek. Zep takes the seat to the right of Emily and engages in conversation with her. He leans toward her with an expression of concern, which suggests he is asking questions regarding the shock of the previous day. Emily responds seriously at first, pausing occasionally as if the discussion is difficult, but then smiles briefly. There is intermittent eye contact between them.
4:54 p.m.: After several minutes of discussion, the subjects both seem more relaxed, even buoyant. This suggests a decision to put the dark memory of the previous day aside in anticipation of their daughter’s appearance on stage sometime within the next few minutes. (The concert is scheduled to begin at 5 p.m.)
4:56 p.m.: A middle-aged adult male in a grey suit, probably a teacher, appears on stage at the side, next to the open curtain, and looks out toward the seats, scanning the crowd. After a moment he leaves the stage.
4:57 p.m.: This same teacher enters the seating area through a door beside the stage and continues up the aisle to the fourth row, where he waves to someone seated in the row. This appears to be Emily as when the teacher catches her eye, he waves her toward him. She speaks briefly to Zep, then stands and makes her way to the end of the row, past the seated parents.
4:58 p.m.: The teacher engages in a brief conversation with Emily. He speaks quickly and seriously. At one point Emily shakes her head. The teacher nods and briefly smiles, touching Emily’s arm in what appears to be a gesture of reassurance. He leaves and she returns to her seat.
4:59 p.m.: Emily’s face shows concern as she speaks with Zep, who immediately stands and turns, looking over the crowd. He stands like this for three minutes, scanning doorways and the seating area.
5:08 p.m.: An adult female appears on stage and announces a delay in the start of the concert. “We hope to get underway very shortly.” This appears to trigger a moment of excited conversation between Zep and Emily. Emily makes agitated gestures, indicating an elevated heart rate. Zep seems to make an effort at calming her.
5:09 p.m.: The teacher who spoke to Emily earlier appears again in the doorway next to the stage and waves her toward him. This time both Emily and Zep make their way past the seated parents. When they join the teacher, Emily makes a gesture toward Zep, perhaps indicating that his presence is necessary or welcome.
5:10 p.m.: Emily and Zep accompany this teacher through the doorway and enter a backstage area.
(Further observation was impossible for the next two minutes.)
5:12 p.m.: Emily and Zep reappear in a school corridor to the rear of the stage, accompanied by the unidentified teacher.
(Note: observation at this time was conducted from a vantage point that prevented continuous visual contact, however, the investigator was able to overhear much of the conversation that occurred.)
Emily Good: (Voice elevated in pitch, indicating stress.) “… just don’t understand. When I left her she was going down the hallway to the meeting room.”
Teacher: “But you didn’t see her enter.”
Emily: “I went to get seats. But it was fifty feet. How she could just go missing?”
Teacher: “We don’t know that yet. But I want to assure you we are taking this seriously.”
Zep Baker: “You better be taking it —”
Teacher: “Sir, we are. I understand you’re concerned. We have a protocol in situations like this and we are following it.”
Zep: “What is it? What are you doing?”
Teacher: “We have staff on call who are being contacted now. They will arrive shortly and will help to conduct a search of the school and the grounds.”
Zep: “What about an announcement? Why don’t you make an announcement?”
Teacher: “We will. To this point we haven’t wanted to cause alarm but we will do that shortly.”
Emily: “What should we be doing?”
Teacher: “You said she doesn’t have a phone?”
Emily: “No, I didn’t want — stupid.”
Teacher: “Do you have a picture of her on your phone?”
Emily: “Um, yes!”
Teacher: “If you could send that to me … This is my number.”
Zep: “I’m gonna go look for her.”
Teacher: “Mr. Baker, I really recommend that you stay here.”
Zep: “— can’t just fucking do nothing.”
Teacher: “Please, stay with your wife so that we can keep you informed.”
Zep: “We’re not —”
Emily: “Zep, it doesn’t matter.”
Zep: “What about the police?”
Teacher: “We will be contacting them shortly.”
5:14 p.m.: Emily emits a gasp and begins to cry.
Zep: “Hey, hey, it’s okay. She’s gonna be fine. Don’t worry.”
Emily: “But where is she? She’s been missing for more than half an hour! I can’t —”
Zep: “Em, we’re gonna find her. We will.”
Teacher: “What I’d like you both to do now is come with me to the office. We can get you a coffee or water —”
Emily: “I don’t want —”
Teacher: “We’ll make you comfortable. This way, please.”
5:15 p.m.: Emily and Zep follow the teacher down a corridor and enter a glass-doored office.
(Note: Observation of the subjects was impossible for approximately two minutes until another vantage point was located that allowed visual contact through the glass door.)
5:18 p.m.: Emily and Zep sit together on chairs against the wall of the office waiting area. The teacher brings two bottles of water. Zep takes one, which he opens and drinks. Emily accepts the other but holds it without opening it. Emily appears distraught, her eyes closed, her face damp. Zep comforts her with an arm around her shoulders.
5:19 p.m.: An announcement is made over the public address system: “If anyone knows the whereabouts of Patricia Baker, thirteen years old, please contact the principal’s office immediately. Thank you.”
5:21 p.m.: An unidentified male in a dark suit enters the office. He speaks briefly to Emily and Zep. Emily nods. This man leaves the office.
5:23 p.m.: A female teacher — the same who had appeared on stage earlier — appears in the corridor from the direction of the auditorium. She is hurrying, and she is holding the hand of Pebbles Baker. The teacher opens the door to the office and allows Pebbles to enter first.
5:23 p.m.: Emily and Zep see Pebbles and jump to their feet.
Emily: “Oh my God!” Emily and Zep appear joyous. Each in turn pulls Pebbles into a tight embrace. Emily repeatedly kisses her daughter’s forehead and holds Pebbles’ face to her cheek. Zep holds Pebbles’ hand throughout. Both subjects are laughing and crying. Pebbles appears confused by this attention.
5:26 p.m.: The male teacher speaks to Pebbles, appearing to ask her several questions, which she answers, occasionally nodding. Pebbles shows the teacher something in her hand. She shrugs and gestures as if she is unable to answer one or more of the questions.
5:29 p.m.: A discussion occurs between the two teachers, male and female. The female teacher then addresses Pebbles and the two subjects. Pebbles nods, as does Emily. The teacher addresses Zep and he nods in agreement.
5:30 p.m.: The female teacher leaves the office, accompanied by Pebbles and her parents, who walk on either side of her holding her hands. They walk in the direction of the auditorium.
5:33 p.m.: The concert is proceeding. Zep and Emily take their seats. For the next several minutes they respond to apparent questions from people sitting nearby. They laugh and appear relieved.
5:37 p.m.: The students emerge onto the stage and take their seats. The female teacher speaks into the stage microphone, apologizing for the delay. She begins to explain the program.
5:39 p.m.: Zep and Emily turn their attention to the performance about to begin. As the house lights dim, Emily leans into Zep, and tilts her head so that it rests against his shoulder. She closes her eyes for a moment and appears to cry briefly. She lifts a hand to wipe away tears.
