A Tale of the Secret Saint (Light Novel), Volume 4, page 6
I tilted my head. Wh-what’s going on? Perhaps talking about how I died reminded him of how sad he was to be without me in his previous life? But his reaction seemed a little too overblown for that.
I watched him cry in silence, not quite sure what to do. Eventually, he removed his hands from his face and, with tears still streaming down, dropped to a knee and lowered his head deeply.
“Forgive me for failing to protect you,” he said in a strained, agonized voice. “From the depths of my heart, I am sorry. If you wish me to take my own life as recompense, I shall gladly do so. But if I may so be allowed, I wish to protect you properly in this life.”
What could I say to that? What could anyone say to that?
***
I stared at Kurtis blankly, at a complete loss for words, as he looked up at me with a pained expression.
What is wrong with me? It hadn’t even occurred to me that he was hurting so much. I’d underestimated his loyalty. The shame of not having been able to stand as my shield as I was killed must’ve haunted him more than I could’ve ever imagined. He blamed himself for my death, and I hadn’t even considered that until seeing his tears. Even though I’d always known how Kurtis—no, Canopus—always suppressed his emotions for me.
I thought back to yesterday, when he’d explained the nature of the former islander peoples: It is the same for the people of Sutherland. They cannot fail to repay Her Holiness’s favor—they could not bear it. If their inaction, perchance, led to Her Holiness coming to harm…they could never live it down. Their guilt would hound them to the grave, then on down through their descendants. There is no greater unhappiness for these people, Lady Fi. He had been talking about himself, about his own guilt. How did I miss something so obvious?
I crouched down and grabbed his hands. “I’m sorry, Canopus. I’m sorry for going off and dying on my own. I’m sorry for not realizing how much you suffered…” My words trailed off there as I fought to not cry along with him. I couldn’t do that, not when I was the one who had to apologize. That wouldn’t be fair at all.
That’s what I wanted, at least, but my tear ducts had other ideas. A warm trail of tears slid down my cheek. They continued to stream down my face, even as I tried to stop them.
Seeing this, my blockhead of an ex-personal knight spoke. “Lady Fi…? Are you perhaps crying for my sake?”
Of course I am, you dummy! I cried for your sake yesterday too, don’t you remember? Why had he thought I’d cried yesterday, huh?
Exasperated, I shot a fierce look at my ever slow-witted knight, but my tears continued to flow despite my best efforts. “I-Ignore these tears, okay?” I said quickly. “I’m just…um. I’m…shocked at how dull you can be.”
“I understand, my lady. It was absurd of me to think you would shed tears for my sake.”
“Wh-what? No! It’s just that it’s unfair of me to cry! I’m the one who’s apologizing. It’s like I’m leaving you no choice but to forgive me.”
He tilted his head in puzzlement. Was it really so hard to understand? “Regardless of tears,” he said, “I would never dream of denying you forgiveness—or anything else, for that matter. If anything, I am the one who should be seeking your forgiveness. You have nothing to apologize for…” He paused for a moment. “Oh. I see. Perchance, were you admonishing me in a roundabout way for apologizing to you in tears myself?”
“Huh?! No, I just…I left you all alone and—” I tried to say something, but Kurtis cut me off—something he rarely ever did.
“Lady Fi, do not misunderstand. As your knight, the fault lies with me for having failed to stay by your side. Any regret or anguish I feel is mine alone.” He sounded calm, but I could practically feel the pain he was burying. I searched his face for some sign of his true feelings when he met my eyes and nodded. “Three hundred years ago…after you died alone, I retrained myself. I swore to never fail again if I could somehow serve you once more. Sadly, this new body is weak, but I hope to build myself up in the coming months.”
He paused. Bit his lip as though biting back a new rush of pain. Narrowed his eyes. “Yesterday, in that cavern, I asked to be allowed to serve you once more without apologizing for my previous life’s failure. How selfish of me. I should have first sought your forgiveness. I apologize, Lady Fi, from the bottom of my heart. And I ask you, please, allow this shameful knight to protect you once more.” He bowed his head deeply in apology.
“Kurtis, you have nothing to apologize for,” I said, in the softest voice I could muster. “The past can’t be changed. There’s nothing to gain from wishing that pain away. If we believe the choices we make are right when we’re making them, then they were the right choices, regardless of what comes after.”
“But, Lady Fi, I—”
“Not once have I ever blamed or begrudged you for my death, Kurtis. Not as Serafina then, and not as Fia now.”
He paused for a long, grueling moment. “I…I understand.” Perhaps my words were starting to get through to him.
“Kurtis, you have been reborn,” I said slowly, letting each word hang in the air. “You have been given a new life. The same goes for me: I am no longer a princess. You have no reason to be bound to me any longer.” I didn’t look away for a single moment.
Canopus had been reborn as Kurtis, and he was given a new life to lead. As Kurtis, he had no reason to retrace his life as Canopus. He could begin anew. But despite my words, he remained trapped by his previous life’s duty. “To serve your benevolent self was my pride and joy. Would you deny me the opportunity to once again feel that pride? That joy?”
Faced with the serious look in his eyes, I swallowed. “K-Kurtis, this world is filled with so many fun things. I know you can be a little over the top with your sincerity sometimes, but it’s okay to let yourself be free of your past.”
I was saying this all for his sake, and yet he gave me a look not of gratitude but of concern. “If I may be so bold, might I ask why you hide your saint powers?”
“Wha-huh?” Why was he changing the subject?
“From what I have seen, you make use of your saint powers while also trying to hide them. In other words, you wish to be a saint but cannot openly declare who you are due to some unknown circumstance. Or perhaps you are hiding the fact you are a saint from somebody in particular.”
H-he’s sharp! Bah, why are all the knights around me so sharp?! Of course, similar things had happened enough by now that I kind of got that it was my own fault. I just kept letting my guard down because nobody mentioned anything till it was too late. Still, people were always watching.
“O-oh, I haven’t told you yet, have I?” I stammered. “I actually have a familiar! Yep! And guess what? He’s a black dragon, and one of the three strongest beasts on this continent! So, uh, I don’t really need anyone else to protect me, you know?” There we go, Fia! Way to find a good excuse, even during a panic.
Yeah! I already have Zavilia, the strongest of all monsters, with me! He can take out blue dragons in the blink of an eye! I don’t need anyone but him to protect me! Plus, Zavilia even said himself that he wanted to protect me!
I nodded proudly to myself as Kurtis surveyed our surroundings quizzically. “Where might this familiar be? I do not see any black dragons.”
“Guh… H-he really exists, okay! I’m not lying! He just went off to become a king or something, and so he’s away for a while. But we’re still connected, so if something happens to me he can appear in a heartbeat!”
Kurtis scoffed lightly. “It sounds like your black dragon is still too green. Either that, or he doesn’t yet know the meaning of loss. It takes but a moment to lose what one holds dear.”
Something about his cynicism felt directed more at himself than Zavilia.
***
I was at my wit’s end. Nothing I said would convince Kurtis. So instead, I tried to change the topic.
“Okay, but you do realize you’re a knight captain and can’t leave Sutherland, right? And as for me, I’m just an ordinary knight! It’d be weird if you came back to serve me. I am hiding the fact that I’m a saint, sure, but don’t you see how that’d make me stand out more?”
Kurtis frowned as though in mental anguish. He stood stock-still for a few moments, staring at me with his teeth gritted. “In that case,” he said at last, “I shall join the First Knight Brigade as an ordinary knight, a vice-captain, or even a captain—whatever allows me to be by your side.”
“Wha-huh? U-um! Y-you…you can’t! You’re already the captain of the Thirteen Knight Brigade! Abandoning your post would make us both stand out!” I raised my voice, trying to get through his dense skull.
“Not necessarily. The First Knight Brigade are the guards of the royal family, and so are special. Everybody knows it is an honor to serve under His Majesty the King—it is often considered a promotion. Many strive to join the First Knight Brigade for that very privilege. After all, a kingdom values its king above all else.”
“Whaaat?” Come on, wasn’t that a bit of a stretch? I wasn’t all that familiar with hierarchy, brigade transfers, and whatnot, but I certainly knew Kurtis wasn’t the kind to care about that stuff. It’d be totally weird if he suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to be “promoted” to the First Knight Brigade. I mean, seriously! Wouldn’t a knight captain becoming an ordinary knight be a demotion?
I fell into deep contemplation. Kurtis smiled then and, still stuck in his overly optimistic mindset, asked, “Am I correct to think I’ll be allowed to serve at your side again if I join the First Knight Brigade in a natural manner?”
“Huh? W-wait, I’m just an ordinary knight! There’s nothing natural about anyone serving me!” I said hurriedly, but Kurtis was off in his own world.
Oh no. This is bad. Kurtis and Canopus were mixing together in the worst possible way. He listened to my words kindly but forced his own opinion through like Kurtis while keeping an over-the-top adherence to his convictions like Canopus!
I heaved a big, dramatic sigh and gave Kurtis a sideways glance. “What’s your dream, Kurtis? What do you want to do? You haven’t been completely erased by Canopus, have you?”
“My foundations are still Kurtis, of course. But when I am before you, the parts of me that are Canopus are more prominent by the moment. As Kurtis…I wish to rekindle the bond between the knights and the people of this land that’s so dear to me. Actually, my fondness for these people and their acceptance of me might itself stem from my past life as one of them.” He smiled softly as he spoke, reminding me of the smiles he once made as Canopus.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness. He’s Canopus, but Captain Kurtis hasn’t disappeared or anything. With that made clear, everything else felt insignificant in comparison.
“All right,” I smiled and extended my hand. “I don’t know how you’re going to do it, but if you come to the First Knight Brigade, you’re fine to stay with me.”
Kurtis froze for a second, staring down at my hand with disbelief. He grabbed it with both of his own. “This time, I shall protect you from everything and everyone in this world. I solemnly swear it to you.”
He sounded so sincere that I couldn’t make a joke like I planned to.
“Sure,” I said.
***
After parting from Kurtis, I spent the afternoon helping with the festival cleanup. I was joined by Fabian, who continued to surprise me with how efficiently he worked. We already had powerhouses like Fabian and Cyril in the First Knight Brigade—if Kurtis joined, we’d be practically unbeatable!
Come to think of it, I faintly recalled we were going to have an inter-brigade mock battle kinda thing coming up soon. Or was it an inter-brigade contest put on for the King’s entertainment? I couldn’t remember which it was or even what kind of prize was on the line.
I was racking my brain, trying my best to remember, when Fabian called out to me. “Your Holiness Fia, you’re making quite the greedy face. Should the Great Saint be so worldly?”
“Wha-huh?”
“Oh dear.” He gave me a disapproving, exaggerated frown. “Your Holiness, such a reply lacks grace and is unbefitting of you.”
“Oh, please!” I snapped. “The Great Saint probably says ‘wha-huh’ all the time.”
“That’s the part you take issue with?” He beamed. “You never fail to make me smile, Fia.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a little rude? You’re talking to the one who might be the Great Saint’s reincarnation!” I gave him a stern glare, pretending to be cross.
“Yes, that…wow. Who would’ve thought that in just four days, these people would be worshipping you as the Great Saint. If I went back in time and told myself that five days ago, I wouldn’t believe it, not in a million years.” He sounded genuinely impressed.
I sharpened my glare on him, still pretending to be cross, and allowed a wave of relief to wash over me. Fabian and the other knights had, of course, heard the rumors flying around, but it seemed like none of them believed it all. In fact, the majority of the knights were convinced this was all some gambit of Cyril’s to better the relations between the knights and the townspeople. The knights even went as far as to praise Cyril for his supposed ingenuity.
Cyril is brilliant and all, so it makes sense he’d get the credit.
Feeling like I understood the world a little better now, I decided to make my rounds and affirm what the other knights already believed. The last few knights I’d talked to had some theories about Cyril that were… Let’s just call them overblown. Especially the ones that called Captain Cyril “a great sage” or “Captain Cyril the prophet.” But there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle, I guess.
***
Preparation for the memorial ceremony started the following day and would continue for two more days. To my surprise, the townspeople offered to help, calling to us out of the blue as my fellow knights traded jokes and worked. I turned around to find Ariel and about a dozen other townspeople all standing there skittishly. The knights seemed just as surprised as I was.
We had a long, awkward stare-down. Both sides were tense. Some passerby would probably think a fight was about to break out if they saw us—the thought of that made me burst into a fit of laughter.
Ariel gave me a reproachful look. “H-how awful, Your Holiness! How could you laugh at us?”
“I’m sorry, Ariel. I just thought somebody might see us and think we were gonna fight. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?”
“Who’d think such a thing?!” he snapped back. “It’s plain to see we’re much weaker! Why would we pick a fight that we would so obviously lose?!”
“Dunno. Oh, but your help with the preparation would be appreciated! We’re having some problems setting up this thing. Is there anyone who might be familiar with this kind of stuff among you all?” I asked, trying to bring our two groups together. We knights were an amicable bunch, and the former islander peoples were a warmhearted group, so I was sure we would get along swell.
It seemed my thinking was right: More and more townspeople appeared to help as time passed. By the last day of preparation, there were more townspeople than knights. It made you wonder who was really helping who.
Happily, I looked up at Kurtis—he was working beside me. “Isn’t this great?! The knights and the townspeople get along well enough to work together now! Thank goodness they met us halfway.”
He looked thoroughly unsurprised. “It’s only natural. You’re a knight, after all, so of course they’d warm up to your comrades.”
“Huh? No, no, you don’t get it, Kurtis! Jeez, why do you always base your thinking around me? This world’s a complicated mix of many, many things! I’m just one small cog in a big ol’ machine.”
“Heh.”
“Wha—did you just laugh at me?! I’m the one who should be laughing here! I was being kind when I didn’t laugh at how silly you were being, putting me on a pedestal and all!”
Despite our little quarrel, I was happy. I could clearly see he wasn’t just Canopus inside but a mix of Kurtis and Canopus.
The mood was light as we continued to prepare for the memorial ceremony. Before long, we’d finished our work without a hitch.
Like we had just before the festival, we ate a light dinner and went to bed early the night before the ceremony. It would begin before dawn, just as the festival had. Still, I had to wonder why all Sutherland events started so early. Maybe the people here were just really early risers? Hmm…
I thought back to my conversation with Kurtis the other day, when he cried and talked about how he felt when I’d died as the Great Saint. Was it my past life’s brothers that caused that strange reaction? The three of them would’ve returned to the castle safely and spread their own accounts of what happened. They probably said something along the lines of me being too weak to save. Maybe they even said I was too injured to be brought back. Point being, they probably said I was alive when they left me, just at death’s door.
Then again, I suppose it didn’t really matter what they said. Knowing Canopus, he’d imagine the worst and dwell on it no matter what. I heard he lived a long life after I died, probably spending his years imagining what horrible things might have happened to me until they felt real to him. Yeah…it had been a good idea to tell him I’d died peacefully.
I nodded to myself, glad that I could give Kurtis some solace. There were a lot of things I turned over in my head that night, but at some point I blinked, and bam—it was the next day. Marveling at how time flies when you go to bed, I got up and started to change.
As I promised Chief Radek, I put on my light-blue dress. I went to the dining hall for breakfast and was met with strange looks from my fellow knights.
“Fia, you do know today’s the memorial ceremony, right? It’s not a free day. Go put your uniform on.”
“Oh, I know. But Chief Radek made a personal request that I wear this dress.”
“That right?”
