Fearless, page 17
When two heads popped up at the center of the bubbles, she ran toward the shallows at the edge of the shoreline. She needed to see Jillian, but which one was she? When Diana spit out her mouthpiece and ripped her mask from her face, Laura’s heart stopped. The rushing of blood filled her ears, and she heard nothing but mumbled chaos.
Diana called out orders as people crowded around her. Laura ran into the water and pushed her way into the crowd until she saw her. Laura let out a cry of relief when she saw Jillian awake and responsive, although white as a ghost and coughing uncontrollably.
Diana and a lifeguard hooked Jillian’s arms over their shoulders and carried her to the shore. They set her on her knees into the sand where she vomited. “Just let me catch my breath.” Laura heard Jillian say with a raspy voice, and tears welled up in Laura’s eyes. She called out to her.
“Laura,” Jillian said as she scanned the crowd for her. When their eyes met, Laura felt ill. She could see the fear in them, and it shattered her heart into a million pieces. Laura didn’t know what had happened, but she knew terror when she saw it. She reached out for Jillian’s hand, but Diana grabbed her by the wrist. She squeezed it so tight that Laura let out a yelp.
“Find someplace else to be, Miss Carter,” Diana said as she let go of Laura’s hand with a flick.
“But—”
“Now.” The look in Diana’s eyes was one of fury, but Laura could still see the fear she tried to hide in the moment.
Laura wanted to argue. She wanted to demand that she had every right to be there with Jillian, but she didn’t. She was no one. She kissed two fingers and blew Jillian a small kiss. Laura wasn’t sure she’d seen it before she was wedged out of the circle and away from the commotion. No matter what Diana had said, she wasn’t going to walk away. She might not be able to help, but she’d be damned if she was going to go farther than she had to.
Laura didn’t take her eyes off Jillian as they sat her back and slipped an oxygen mask over her face. Jillian fought them off for a moment but ultimately relented. There were protocols and she of all people knew that. Laura was taken back to her own incident, and the thought that Jillian had experienced anything like she had ripped at her soul. She wouldn’t wish those terrifying minutes on her worst enemy, let alone someone she loved.
Laura did love her.
Yet there she was ten feet away from Jillian but unable to be with her. Unable to comfort or console her. She felt like a caged animal as she stood behind a chair and squeezed the bars so tight she thought her fingers would crack and bleed. Laura jumped half out of her skin when BJ set his hand on her shoulder. She spun around and wrapped her arms around him and cried.
“Shhh, sweetie. It’s okay,” he cooed and rubbed her back. “She’s okay.”
A golf cart pulled up to the group, and they sat Jillian in the front seat, while Diana climbed in the back with a tight grip on Jillian’s shoulder. Laura let BJ go and lunged toward the cart as it pulled away. “Where are they going?” Laura asked. Diana instructed everyone to get back to work while looking right at Laura while she said it.
“I’m sure they’re taking her back to the med building to get checked out.”
“I don’t even know what happened. I was right here the whole time, and nobody would tell me anything. Diana wouldn’t let me near her even though she called for me. She called my name, BJ. I should have been allowed to see her.” Laura felt like a ghost, and except for when Diana wrenched her by the arm, she’d have thought she was.
“There was nothing you could have done but get in the way,” BJ said.
She shot him a look of disgust. “She needed me.”
“No, she needed to be checked out by trained professionals. Whatever happened down there was bad enough to enact emergency protocol, and you aren’t part of that response team. We are trainees, Laura.”
“So we’re useless?”
“Technically? Yes.”
“You’re being an asshole. You know that?” Laura immediately regretted what she’d said and apologized.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s true, but it’s obvious that you aren’t thinking clearly right now. You’re way too close to the situation in more ways than one. Can’t you see that?”
Laura sniffled and wiped her running nose with the hem of her shirt. “Yes, I just need to know that she’s okay, BJ.”
“All right, sweetie. Let’s go see what we can find out.” He took her by the hand and followed after the cart.
Chapter Nineteen
Diana supported Jillian by her elbow as she helped her through the front door. She told her about a hundred times that she was fine and didn’t need help, but Diana refused to hear it. Jillian had given up trying to convince her and just let her do what she needed to. When they got to her bedroom and Diana tried to undress her, she drew the line.
“Enough, D. I’m not an invalid.”
“You need my help.”
“You’ve helped me enough for a lifetime, but I can change my own clothes,” Jillian said, gripping at her shirt.
“Okay. But I’m going to make you some hot tea or some soup. Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich or something while you get into bed.”
“I’m not getting in bed.” As much as she appreciated Diana for her attentiveness, she was growing agitated with her insistent coddling.
“But you need to rest. What happened to you could have been very bad, and—”
“Stop,” Jillian said as she slammed the top drawer of her dresser closed. “Enough, okay?”
Diana looked wounded standing there in the middle of the room. “I’m sorry. I’ll let you change,” she said before walking out and leaving Jillian alone.
“Shit,” Jillian mumbled as she went into the bathroom. She hadn’t meant to snap at Diana like that, but she was just overwhelmed, and the adrenaline was beginning to wear off. She stripped out of her clothes and turned on the shower. She set her hands on each side of the sink basin and stared into the mirror until her reflection was nothing more than a dark blur in the foggy glass. It was a strange feeling to watch herself disappear before her own eyes. To be aware of what was happening but unable to stop it. She thought of Laura and how helpless she had been struggling and breathless beneath the water as she felt her life fading away.
Jillian stepped into the hot spray of water and let her silent tears fall. She cried for herself, but also for Laura, because now she truly understood a fear unlike any other. As she stood there, Jillian could feel exhaustion beginning to set in. Her arms and legs grew leaden as the tension eased in her muscles. She pressed her forehead against the cool tile of the wall as it supported her weakening body. Before she collapsed into a heap on the shower floor, Jillian turned off the water and got out.
She dried off quickly, but not well enough to keep her sweats from sticking to her body as she dressed. When she made it out into the living room, Diana had in fact made the hot tea, and she was very much grateful. Jillian sat on the couch and curled her legs beneath her. She laid her head against the soft cushion until Diana came over and handed her the steaming mug of Earl Grey. She tossed the throw over Jillian’s lap before sitting on the opposite end of the sofa. Jillian rubbed the soft fabric and remembered when Laura had been wrapped in this very blanket what felt like an eternity ago.
“I’m sorry for mothering you. It’s just that you scared me to death, Jillian.”
“I know. I was just overwhelmed. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
“All I could think of was that if you—” Diana’s voice rattled with emotion. She scooted closer to Jillian set her hand on Jillian’s knee.
“It’s okay. I understand, and I’ll be forever thankful that you were there.” She patted Diana’s hand until she laced her fingers with Jillian’s. Before she could pull away Diana brought her hand to her lips and kissed her fingers. Jillian pulled her hand away.
“I still love you, Jillian.”
Jillian swung her legs onto the floor and took a second to make sure she had heard her right. She closed her eyes and tapped her fingers on her forehead before looking over at Diana. She scrunched her face up and scoffed. “What?”
“I do. I love—”
“Stop. What are you talking about? That was years ago, Diana, and we were never in love. You can’t still have feelings if you never had them to begin with,” she said, turning her head to look at her.
“Maybe we didn’t then, but now?”
“No. Not then and not now. Where is this coming from?” Jillian asked.
“Today made me realize that I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t think we ever gave us a real chance. But we could.”
“Look, Diana. You are one of my dearest friends, but it didn’t work then, and it wouldn’t work now.”
“Because of her?” Diana put a zing on the last word.
This was the last thing Jillian wanted to discuss with Diana. Yet here she was pushing the subject at the worst possible moment. “You know, I’m really exhausted. I think I’m going to go lie down after all.”
“Are you sleeping with her? Is that why?”
Her pulse increased. If ever there was a reminder of why things never worked out with Diana, this was it. “Let it go.”
“You are,” Diana said as she stood up, crossing her arms and hovering over her.
“Yes! We slept together. Is that what you want to hear, for fuck’s sake?”
“I knew it. I knew it,” Diana repeated, throwing her hands in the air. “Why? Are you trying to destroy everything?”
Jillian took a deep breath and paused for a few seconds before responding. “I will not justify my actions to you, Diana, and I really think you should go.”
Diana knelt in front of Jillian. “I get it. She’s hot, young, exciting. Even a bit of a challenge, I suppose. But come on, it’s just a fling and you need to stop before someone gets hurt. Again.”
Jillian leaned back away from her. “Again? She had nothing to do with what happened with my gear.”
“No, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t in the way. There’s a protocol, and her feelings for you just had her in the way.”
“I was there, and she was never in the way, if anything, it was me who wanted her closer.”
“See what I mean? She’s clouding your judgment. The real Jillian would never let some piece of ass jeopardize everything she spent her life trying to achieve. Why can’t you see that?” Diana stood back up.
Jillian was a hair’s width from losing her shit. Diana didn’t know Laura the way she did. No one did, and she refused to let anyone speak about her with such disrespect. “Laura has more passion for this work than you and I combined. She makes me remember all of the reasons why I still do this.”
“You’re her fucking boss, Jillian!”
Jillian was just about to demand that Diana leave when there was a knock at the door. She fell back into the couch exhausted when Diana went to answer it.
Laura’s voice was like a soothing balm on her frazzled nerves. She was what Jillian needed right now. After a few long seconds, Diana still hadn’t let her into the house, and she heard Laura raise her voice. “With all due respect, I need to see her, and I’d appreciate it if you’d please tell her that I’m here.”
Diana had finally crossed the line. Jillian pushed off the couch and made her way to the door. She came up behind Diana, and Laura smiled. It was the purest look of love that Jillian had ever seen, and her heart burst open with a flood of adoration. She’d never wanted anything more than she wanted Laura right now.
“Thanks for everything, Diana, but you can go,” she said as she took Laura’s hand to pull her inside. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the scorn on Diana’s face, but she couldn’t have cared less as she closed the door on her.
* * *
Once the door was shut, Jillian practically fell into Laura’s arms. “You have no idea how glad I am to see you,” Jillian said against Laura’s neck.
If it was even half as glad as she was, Laura knew exactly how she felt. “Oh, sweetheart. I know. Come sit.” Laura walked Jillian to the couch, but she went past that and down toward the bedroom.
“Would you please lie with me for a bit?”
Laura’s heart ached at the weak innocence of the question. Jillian was exhausted from the inside out, and Laura knew that feeling. “Forever, if you wish, my heart.” She had nowhere to be until midnight, and if Jillian wanted her to lie with her until then she would.
She was so relieved to have Jillian safe and close, but she wanted more. Even with her wrapped in her arms, Laura still felt too far away. She needed to have her skin pressed against her, sharing space and heat. As they stood at the edge of the bed, Laura faced Jillian. Her eyes were heavy and dark circles were forming beneath them. Laura ran her fingers across Jillian’s forehead and down the soft skin of her cheek. When Laura turned to the bed to pull back the covers, Jillian stopped her.
Jillian hooked the hem of Laura’s shirt with her fingers and pulled it up. Not that she would deny her, but Laura wasn’t sure this was the best time for sex. “Baby, wait.”
“I need to feel you. Feel your body against mine. That’s all.”
Laura wanted the same. It wasn’t about sex. It was something much more intimate than that. Laura helped Jillian strip out of her sweats and then got into bed before slipping out of her own. The coolness of the crisp sheets was in stark contrast to the smooth warmth of Jillian’s skin against hers. She pulled Jillian close and their bodies melded together. Jillian laid her head on Laura’s chest and weaved their legs together until there wasn’t an inch of space between them. She ran her fingers through Jillian’s damp hair listening as her breaths grew slow and steady.
Laura reveled in this moment. She wanted to tuck it away into the deepest and safest corners of her memory so she would never forget it. She was weightless, even under the heaviness of Jillian’s body. Had things turned out differently a couple of hours earlier, Laura would never have known this feeling. She had never known the feeling of being so connected with another person that the idea of being without them was unfathomable. She was content to lie in the silence with nothing but the peaceful cadence of Jillian’s breaths as she drifted off to sleep as well.
A loud cry startled Laura awake, and she knew in an instant that it was Jillian. She rubbed her back briskly to wake her from the nightmare she was having. “Baby? Love, wake up,” Laura said.
Jillian’s breaths were short and fast as she tried to catch her breath while Laura held her. “I had no air.” Jillian was winded as if she’d just ran a marathon.
“Shh, baby. It’s all right, I’m here. You have plenty of air. I promise.” They both sat up in bed and Jillian paced her breathing as Laura coached her. After a few breaths, Laura was lightheaded and stopped, as Jillian was more than capable of breathing on her own. She supposed it was a bit of her own anxiety manifesting in this situation. What a hot mess we are together.
“I’m okay. Thank you, my sweet girl.” Jillian kissed Laura on her bare shoulder before scooting back down beneath the covers. This time Laura spooned close to her. She could hear the rapid beating of her heart still hammering in her chest, and she pressed her palm against it.
“I’m sorry,” Laura said.
“For what?” Jillian asked as she circled a lazy finger over her exposed collarbone.
“That I couldn’t protect you and keep you safe from this.” Jillian was the last person on earth that Laura wanted to be haunted by this demon of fear as she had all these years.
“Sweetheart, there’s nothing you could have done. It was an equipment malfunction, and the high-pressure seat failed. It all happened so fast I didn’t have much time to think about what was happening. It’s still all sort of a blur.”
Laura wasn’t going to force Jillian to talk about it, but she encouraged her to continue. “Mm-hmm.”
“It was so loud. I’m not even sure I could have heard myself think had I tried. I was on autopilot.”
Laura thought back to her own accident. “All I did was think once I realized I wasn’t going to get myself free. They said it was about two or three minutes, but it felt like hours.” Laura hadn’t ever really talked about those final moments before she blacked out.
“What did you think about?” Jillian asked.
There was so much about that day that she couldn’t remember or had tried to forget. Wrapped in Jillian’s protective arms, Laura let herself return to those moments for the first time. She could feel the claw-like grip on her leg, but there was no pain. Her arms floated at her sides suspended in space and time. “I remember feeling at peace. I could feel tiny bubbles from the spring tingling over my skin before they drifted up above me. Some of the bubbles stuck to me as if trying to take me with them to the surface.”
Jillian tapped her fingers across Laura’s skin like tiny bubbles. “They tried that with me too. All of the air shooting toward the sky and I had to fight myself not to follow it.”
“When I saw the water boil up, I didn’t even know what to think. I thought a tank exploded or something.” She squeezed her arms tighter around Jillian’s waist.
“That’s certainly what it sounded like. I’ve never heard a thing like it before. You know that feeling when someone sneaks up behind you? That heart-stopping, ass-clenching sort of shock?”
“When your ears burn and you can feel your stomach lurch into your throat? Yeah.”
“It was kind of like that. It’s just so hard to describe. So many things happened all at once and then suddenly, I had no air.”
Laura shivered at the reality of what Jillian felt in that moment. Your body wants to breathe and your chest spasms with uncontrollable attempts to inhale. You clench your mouth closed trying to keep in whatever air you have left. Every muscle in your body is fighting against itself in a battle of life-and-death. She didn’t need to say it out loud to know how she’d felt.
