Dingbats & Lollypop Arms, page 1
About the Book
Have you ever been followed home by a giant seagull? What are the 79 craziest excuses for talking in class? What happens when the pages of a book go to war against each other? And why is a simple chicken soup recipe one of life’s more difficult tasks?
Find out in this hilarious collection of short stories. One thing is guaranteed – you will NEVER pick the endings!
COVER
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
THE TOP 79 EXCUSES FOR TALKING IN CLASS
SWEET TOOTH SEAGULL
TANGENT CHICKEN SOUP
DOCTOR GENRE (PART 1)
LAST STOP SHOP
PAGE WARS (PART 1)
HUSKY BUSKER
DOCTOR GENRE (PART 2)
FUNERAL PARADE
HOW NOT TO ORDER PIZZA OVER THE PHONE
PAGE WARS (PART 2)
GPS PEST
LAST LAUGH
ABOUT TIM HARRIS
BOOKS BY TIM HARRIS
READ ALL THE BOOKS IN THE EXPLODING ENDINGS SERIES
HAVE YOU READ THE MR BAMBUCKLE’S REMARKABLES SERIES?
. . . AND WHAT ABOUT THE TOFFLE TOWERS SERIES?
IMPRINT
READ MORE AT PENGUIN BOOKS AUSTRALIA
1. Our conversation was revolving around your lovely haircut. Who does your fringe?
2. We are broadcasting a live podcast. Please stop interrupting.
3. You must be hearing things again. I’m always impressed by your keen sense of imagination. It inspires me to write made-up stories.
4. It’s just that you enthuse us so much. We can’t help but bubble over into joyous reflection.
5. I had to tell Darren that the world was about to end. Looks like I was wrong. Again. *look at Darren and give a massive sigh of relief* *again*
6. My shadow made me do it.
7. It wasn’t me. My mouth may have been moving, but that’s because I was singing along to a song in my head. Sometimes I do that to help me concentrate.
8. I’ve gotta hand it to you. You’re good. You’re very, very good. I’ll let the other teachers know what a high standard you set. I’m back with you now. So, what were you saying?
9. I was just making verbal notes about your wonderful lesson.
10. We weren’t really talking. We were just pretending.
11. I’m raising money for charity by speaking all day long. Would you like to sponsor me?
12. You’d be talking, too, if you’d just found out your parents were actually dolphins.
13. I just won a small part in a movie. I was awarded the role of a school student who is always speaking in class. I’m just getting into character. I’m pretty good, hey?
14. I’m actually an undercover FBI agent. Don’t ask any more questions or this could get serious. *put sunglasses on and continue to speak to your friend in a hushed tone*
15. ‘Silence, kids’? We thought you said, ‘silence kills’.
16. What you heard was actually the class next door. Kids these days . . .
17. It was a private conversation but, if you must know, Stephanie has decided to stop dancing lessons because she has uneven toes. Happy?
18. It’s a long story. It all started on the way to school when I discovered that rhinoceros tusks are made of keratin. Keratin is like hair! It’s pretty much the same as hair? A rhino’s horn is hair?! Now do you understand why I was speaking in class?
19. I’m not one for excuses, but my tongue just started talking all by itself. Honestly, I was powerless to stop it. *look emotionally fragile*
20. I wasn’t talking, I was creating poetry. You make me so happy.
21. So, it’s okay for you to keep talking? Whatever happened to equality? Child rights? My mouth is my prism.
22. Sorry, I was just clearing my throat and it sounded like words.
23. ‘Quiet please’? I thought you said, ‘choir police’. You need to be clearer about these things. By the way, was I in tune?
24. Every time you tell me to stop talking, a dolphin dies. Grow a heart.
25. It was the butler! *politely ask your teacher if they have ever played Cluedo*
26. I have a sore throat and I was giving it some warm-up exercise. The doctor told me I need to speak for at least 30 minutes a day. I was going to do it at lunch, but eating is important.
27. Have you ever seen that film Back to the Future? *wait for teacher to talk about what a great film it is. This is called a tangent and is welcomed warmly by most teachers. You’re off the hook*
28. I’m not sorry at all. I really like speaking to my friends and you need to understand that this is a high priority for me. Teach you may, but talk I must!
29. Did I ever tell you what a great listener you are?
30. I had to call an urgent meeting with my friends about some playground stuff that is going on. It’s a bit private, so if you don’t mind . . .
31. I’m so sorry. I thought this was a dream and there were no consequences.
32. Dare me to keep talking?
33. It all started yesterday when you asked us to discuss the latest ideas on global warming. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I also haven’t stopped talking about it.
34. I have to talk, otherwise my tongue will freeze. Could you please turn the heater on?
35. The kids in the older classes said you wouldn’t mind. See me later and I’ll give you their names. They are bad news, those kids. Bad news all the way. *shake head disapprovingly*
36. There is a hairball caught in my throat. Literally. There is actually one wedged in my windpipe. That’s the last time I try licking my cat clean. I’ll leave it to Fluffy next time.
37. I’m translating the lesson into Mandarin. Xie xie.
38. Hang on a sec, I’m just finishing this conversation . . . *finish speaking to friend* Okay, what was it you wanted to ask me?
39. It’s really important. Can the lesson wait?
40. Oh no, we weren’t talking. We were listening . . . to each other! Bahahahahaha!!
41. I’ve got an itch in my throat, and the only way to scratch it is to talk.
42. I’m experimenting with the latest speech pathology techniques. But you wouldn’t know anything about that because you’re just a teacher. Maybe you should have concentrated harder at university.
43. I had to ask George a question. *look at George and ask him why he hates the teacher. This will take all the focus away from you and get George into trouble* *avoid George for the rest of the year*
44. I’m practising for the public-speaking competition. How was I? I can speak louder if you like. How was the eye contact and general delivery? I get so nervous at these events. Was my articulation all right?
45. ‘Listen here’? I thought you said, ‘lessen air’. I was finding it hard to breathe!
46. I’m a rapper, man! Talkety do wap woo!
47. Sorry, would you like us to take this outside?
48. I thought you said there should only be one person speaking at a time. That’s a bit rich – you coming in and talking over the top of our chat. Hyp. O. Crite.
49. Would we be in more trouble if we told you we were speaking about your new dress? We’re not sure that shade of green goes with your shoes.
50. You’d want to talk, too, if your shares just went up 250%. How much would it cost to get me off detention?
51. It’s not me. I swallowed my iPod and it’s blurting out of my mouth.
52. Can we make a deal? I’ll agree not to talk if you do as well.
53. I’m terribly sorry. How rude of us not to include you. Do pull up a chair and join us. You’ll never guess who Zoe likes!
54. Mum wanted me to participate more actively in lessons.
55. The real issue here is your eavesdropping.
56. I was brushing my teeth with soundwaves. Hygiene at its finest.
57. Tim Harris made me do it.
58. I was simply trying to increase my vocabulary. I’ve just added ‘boring’ and ‘lesson’ to my swag.
59. ‘No more noise’? I thought you said, ‘know your noise’.
60. Ahhh, the gift of speech . . . quashed by yet another disciplinarian.
61. Would you like me to speak up? *stand on desk and repeat what you were saying*
62. I’ve already used 61 excuses. Come on – just give me a break!
63. I said, ‘Please don’t let anyone know about the wart on my big toe!’ Thanks for ruining my life, sir.
64. I never did have good manners. You should see me at the dinner table.
65. We’ve been talking for about 15 minutes! Ha! How slow are you?!
66. There’s a sticky patch under my desk and we’re just trying to get to the bottom of it. Looks like those high schoolers have been chewing gum again, while we’ve been chewing the fat! Get it?! Ha!
67. It’s National Speaking Day. Well done, you’re fitting right in!
68. I can text the rest of the conversation if you like? That’d be quieter, right? Can I get my phone off your desk?
69. I was just trying to recite everything you were saying. *look at teacher and give an adoring smile*
70. We were just discussing how wonderful the Exploding Endings books are. Surely that’s a good excuse, right? Oh, 100 house points. Why, thank you very much. What’s your favourite book in the series, if you don’t mind me asking? Yeah, I know what you mean – it’s hard to have a favourite when they’re all incredible.
71. I wasn’t talking. I was praying. That bit of roof directly above your head looks loose again. I won’t tell you which way I was praying . . .
72. It was a ghost. A very . . . audible . . . ghost.
73. We were just recording our voices on Sam’s phone. Would you like to hear the playback at super-slow speed? Freeeeeaaaaaaky!
74. I’ll be quiet next time. I promise. I really don’t talk that much. See what I mean? I’m pretty good when I want to be. I’m not even speaking now. I can be so good when I absolutely have to be. I mean, look at me now – as quiet as a mouse. I’m, like, totally silent here. Ain’t got nothin’ comin’ outta these little lips . . . this is a problem, isn’t it?
75. I’m addicted to words.
76. It’s just that I want to be a teacher one day. I’m practising what I would say if it was my lesson. You give me dreams I can run with.
77. We were just quoting famous movie lines. You’ve gotta admit, that’s pretty darn fun to do!
78. I was just chewing really loudly.
79. Oh no . . . you must understand . . . we were simply planning your farewell party. There will be cake, drinks, chocolate and some speeches. These things take a lot of active discussion. On another note, how long have you been having a nervous breakdown for?
‘Lara! Don’t feed the seagulls!’
Dad was cross.
‘But it’s just the crumbs,’ I replied. That was my first lie. I had actually thrown away a perfectly good chip. A chip covered in tomato sauce. And chicken salt. A chip Dad would love to have eaten. He always wanted more.
‘Then what do you call that?’ he asked, pointing to the tomato-sauced, chicken-salt chip, which was now lying in the sand.
‘Dinner for two,’ I said, as a couple of seagulls moved in on the action. ‘Jaz threw that there,’ I added. That was my second lie.
‘Did not!’ protested my younger sister. ‘Mitch put it there!’ She turned to look at my toddler brother. He was always in trouble. Usually for stuff that Jaz and I did. We were good at blaming him. Actually, I was good at blaming Jaz and she was good at blaming Mitch.
Dad took away the rest of Mitch’s chips. ‘No more for you then,’ he said firmly. Mitch started crying. Silly Mitch.
‘Ahhh, this is the life,’ said Dad, turning to look at the ocean. ‘Come on, kids, stop mucking around and enjoy the scenery. Smell the salty air. Look at the waves, the sand, the birds. Isn’t it great?’
‘It sure is,’ said Mum, who had just come back from the shops with our ice creams. ‘Now, who wanted chocolate?’
Mum was holding five ice-cream cones between her hands. Our family is crazy about ice cream. There is always plenty of it at home. Sometimes, Dad gets cranky because there is never room for anything else in the freezer. I think Mum gives in to Mitch’s tantrums when they go shopping together. She always comes back with more ice cream when she goes shopping with Mitch. Silly Mitch.
‘I wanted chocolate,’ I said. That was my third lie. I had actually asked for vanilla, but seeing how big Mitch’s chocolate ice cream was, I changed my mind. Mum handed me the chocolate ice cream and gave the vanilla one to Mitch.
Mum and Dad took us to the beach every summer. Every year, without fail, we would go. It was our favourite place. Mum loved swimming in the ocean water, Jaz loved making castles in the sand, Dad loved reading books on the sand and Mitch loved eating the sand.
Me, I loved the seagulls. I loved watching them and I loved feeding them. I loved their bright, white feathers and their red beaks and legs. I loved how they flew around the beach looking for something to eat. Whenever we had lunch at the beach, I always saved some of my food for them. The seagulls were my friends and I had to feed them. I think they liked me, too – Lara, the girl who fed her feathered friends.
Dad was too busy eating his strawberry ice cream to notice me borrow the rest of Mitch’s confiscated chips. When I say borrow, you know what I mean, right? I quietly pulled the half-eaten carton of chips away from Dad and hid them next to my leg. Then, whenever he wasn’t watching, I flung a chip out onto the sand for the seagulls. Soon, a small crowd of gulls had gathered.
‘Now, where did they come from?’ sighed Dad. I don’t know why he didn’t like the seagulls, but he was always growling at them and telling us not to feed them. ‘Ssshhhooo! Get away, pesky birds!’ he huffed, waving his arms over his head like a helicopter. This made the ice cream fall out of his cone. When I say fall, I mean slingshot. It landed with a splat in the sand. Everyone except Dad laughed. Mitch laughed so hard that his ice cream fell out of his cone, too. Silly Mitch.
‘Look,’ said Mum. ‘One of the birds wants to eat it.’ She was right. A small seagull with dark spots on its chest had landed near Dad’s spilt ice cream. It looked down at the strawberry mess and nodded slowly, as if deciding it was good to eat. It started pecking at the ice cream, opening its beak every now and then to suck some in. It seemed to enjoy the taste and quickly finished gulping down the dessert before fluttering over to Mitch. Mitch screamed and dived headfirst into the sand. I don’t think he liked seagulls. Dad had probably made him scared of them with all of his fussing. Anyway, the seagull ignored the ostrich toddler and started pecking away at the spilt vanilla ice cream. It made light work of its second dessert and then simply flew away.
‘How strange,’ said Mum. ‘A sweet-toothed seagull.’
The sweet-toothed seagull was at the beach the next day, too. It was the final morning of our trip before we had to head home. Mum and Dad decided that lunch at the beach would be a good way to finish off the trip. We were eating salad rolls (of which I was quite happy to donate most of mine to the seagulls) when I first noticed the bird. The dark spots on its chest gave it away.
‘Look, Jaz,’ I whispered to my sister. ‘It’s that funny seagull from yesterday.’
The small bird stood still on the sand, watching the other seagulls fighting over my salad roll.
‘Maybe it only likes sweet things,’ suggested Jaz. ‘That’s why it’s not going for the roll.’
‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘Oh wait, look!’
The seagull puffed out its spotted chest and then nodded slowly, as if to say the salad roll was good to eat. It then barged the other gulls out of the way, picked up the roll in its beak and swallowed it down in one gulp.
‘Lara!’ gasped Jaz. ‘Did you see that?’
‘Yes,’ said Dad, who had also seen. ‘And which naughty child threw their lunch to the birds?’
‘Jaz,’ I replied quickly.
‘Mitch,’ said Jaz just as quickly.
Luckily for us, Mitch had buried his salad roll in the sand and his hands were empty. He was probably imagining himself as a pirate and had buried his treasure. Either that or he wanted to turn his roll into a real sandwich! Get it? Anyway, Dad wasn’t impressed.
‘No dessert for you then,’ he said, frowning at Mitch.
Silly Mitch.
I spent most of lunch watching Sweet Tooth. That was its name, I’d decided – Sweet Tooth. Though, strangely, it didn’t seem so small now. The day before, it had seemed much smaller than the other birds. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I watched Sweet Tooth eat a few things, including a meat pie (which it stole from some poor kid), a bucket of chips, half a doughnut and an ice cream (which it stole from the same poor kid). Every time Sweet Tooth went to eat something, it did the same thing, nodding as if to signal the meal was good to eat. Then it would just barge in and grab the food. By the end of lunch, it really did seem quite large.
‘Okay, time to go, kids,’ said Dad after we’d all had a swim. ‘Time to head back home.’
We walked to the car, and Jaz and I got the sand out of the shoes, Mum got the sand out of the towels and Dad got the sand out of Mitch’s mouth. It was then that I noticed Sweet Tooth had followed us to the car.
