Painted Dogs & Doom Cakes, page 1
About the Book
What are the 79 wackiest excuses for being late to school? How do you stop a manic dentist from terrorising children? Why is the new smartphone so ridiculously dumb? And what does it take to get every single student at Milford Junior School put on detention?
Find out in this hilarious collection of short stories. One thing is guaranteed – you will NEVER pick the endings!
COVER
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
THE TOP 79 EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE
NOT-SO-SMARTPHONE
PAGE WARS (PART I)
DETENTION ATTENTION
THE CLEARING
BOOM POWDER
PAGE WARS (PART II)
MURPHY’S CHOCOLATE CAKE
YOU GOT GOT
SWEET TOOTH SEAGULL
LAST LAUGH
ABOUT TIM HARRIS
BOOKS BY TIM HARRIS
READ ALL THE BOOKS IN THE EXPLODING ENDINGS SERIES
HAVE YOU READ THE MR BAMBUCKLE’S REMARKABLES SERIES?
. . . AND WHAT ABOUT THE TOFFLE TOWERS SERIES?
IMPRINT
READ MORE AT PENGUIN BOOKS AUSTRALIA
1. I forgot where the classroom was.
2. I forgot where the school was.
3. I’m not late, I’m actually early for tomorrow.
4. You usually just check the roll first thing in the morning. I’m here for learning, not regularities. Now that we’ve made that clear, hit me with your best lesson!
5. Better late than never.
6. The rooster next door didn’t go off. But I did learn this great chicken recipe from the neighbours last night – you’d love it!
7. ‘On time’? I thought you said ‘one at a time’.
8. The bus broke down. Yes, I know I walk to school, but I had to stop and check it all out. You should have seen the smoke coming out of the engine!
9. Daylight Savings got me again. I think I’ll move to Queensland, Western Australia or the Northern Territory.
10. I’m sick of the ridiculous speed limits. 60 . . . 50 . . . 40! What’s that all about? Lodge a formal complaint with the RTA and we’ll take it from there.
11. My sneakers got a flat tyre and I had to replace my leaking shoelace. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? Talk to Dad. He’s the one who feeds me these sugary breakfasts. Whatever they do to my brain is his fault.
12. I had to stop walking and take a few rests. Sixty-three of them, to be precise.
13. It’s a bit of a long story. I don’t have time to tell it as I am already late. Now, mark my presence and make it snappy!
14. You already called my name. You mustn’t have heard me. *look at best friend and make him nod in agreement*
15. I had to finish watching a movie. Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Man, that thing just keeps on going.
16. I thought we were allowed to come and go as we please. This is not that sort of arrangement then?
17. I got lost in the woods.
18. Dad got all the red lights. It’s not my fault he’s colourblind.
19. Perhaps the real issue is that you haven’t taught us Time yet. Check your syllabus, teacher.
20. It’s International Rock-up-to-School-Late Day!
21. When I was walking to school, an old lady needed help crossing the road, so I helped her. She was very grateful and wanted to know how she could thank me. I told her she had thanked me enough because I was now late for Maths.
22. I had to put clean clothes on. But first I had to wash them, put them out to dry, wait for them to dry, take them off the line, iron them and then dress into them. You don’t need any washing done, do you?
23. Gooooooood morning to you, too!
24. My watch is broken.
25. My alarm clock is broken.
26. All of the clocks in our house are broken.
27. We don’t have any clocks in our house.
28. Please, tell me, what is this word ‘clock’ you so speak of?
29. I was giving my friend a slow-motion replay of yesterday’s walk to school.
30. I am not late. You will mark me as early. *wave hand in front of teacher’s face like a Jedi Master*
31. The first will be last and the last will be first . . . and all that.
32. I forgot my homework and had to go back home to get it. The annoying thing was that I’d locked myself out. After the locksmith came, I locked myself in. Then I locked myself halfway through the door. I know, I know . . . I can’t imagine how silly it must have looked.
33. The chain fell off my bike, got tangled in the spokes, dented the rim, bent the fork, damaged the front derailleur, snapped the brake cable, negatively altered the adjustment barrel, smashed the crank arm, bumped the chaining bolt, depressed the down tube, scratched the front dropout, broke the cassette and blew the saddle rail into smithereens.
34. My flight was delayed.
35. I am late because I was brushing up on my Spanish. ¿Sabía usted que uno de cada diez niños llegan tarde a la escuela cada día?
36. I got caught in a blizzard. (Outback residents only.)
37. That’s what tardiness is? I thought it was something you put on fish.
38. I got caught at the school crossing. I also got caught at a river crossing, livestock crossing, equestrian jump, hula hoop challenge and dangerous mountain pass. It was a bit like the mountain pass in Lord of the Rings. Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Man, that thing just keeps on going.
39. I’ve been here all along – look! *snatch teacher’s pen and put a tick next to your name*
40. I had to send an email, but we’ve got a really slow internet connection. National Broadband Network issues and all that.
41. My skateboard took on a life of its own and forced me to do a detour. It may have been to the skate park, but I’ll never disclose that type of information to you.
42. I’m an undercover agent from the Educational Board of Studies Registry of Excellence in Classroom Practice and Other Schooling Stuff. That’s right, I work for the E.B.S.R.E.C.P.O.S.S. – and you pass. Thank you for marking the class roll so diligently. *walk out of classroom as if never to return. Wait a few awkward moments for the teacher to call you back in, smile sheepishly and hope your attempt at humour will get you off the hook*
43. My compass broke and I ended up too far west.
44. I took a little longer with my hair. I’m trying to impress someone and it ain’t you.
45. Three words: Nullarbor. Don’t. Walk.
46. I slept in because I went to bed at 4am. How would you like it if you had to play computer games all night?
47. I got held up at the school office asking when your birthday is.
48. The train got stuck in the station.
49. You’d be late, too, if you had to rock up to school every day. Yeah, yeah, I know you come to school every day, too, but try looking at it from my perspective.
50. Can I ask you to close your eyes for a moment? *rush to seat, unpack things and open book to correct page* Sorry, what was the question again? You said something about me being late? Ummm . . . hellloooooo? Lookie, lookie. *point to self*
51. I hitched a ride with a rather large snail.
52. I . . . am . . . raising . . . awareness . . . for . . . slow . . . eaters . . . and . . . have . . . to . . . do . . . everything . . . super . . . slowly. Would . . . you . . . like . . . to . . . sponsor . . . meeeeeeeeeeeee?
53. I came to school by jet pack. It turned into this weird teleporter and took me to who knows where! Then it turned into a bad hog and kept leaping forward until it was hit by a missile. The jet pack gave me a dragon cuddle, killed a few scientists, scored some gold, dodged some zappers and hit the roof. All that effort and it only took me a couple of thousand metres. Some joy ride!
54. I cooked a slow roast for breakfast.
55. We moved really far away and I didn’t factor that in when planning my morning commute.
56. I helped rescue a cat that had become stuck in a tree. I climbed the tree and managed to get the cat down, but then I became stuck. I had to wait for the fire brigade to come and get me down. The cat didn’t even say thanks.
57. I got frozen by an X-Men character and had to wait for the sun to thaw me out.
58. ‘Am I here’? I thought you kept asking ‘do you hear’? It seems I have scored low on both fronts.
59. I had to take a golden ring and drop it into the volcano, Mount Doom. It took me waaaaaaaaaaay too long.
60. The old lady in front of me at the bakery paid for her bread in five cent pieces. You can’t rush these things. After all that, she was five cents short.
61. My sister is on her L-plates, and she drove to school. Contrary to what you might be thinking, no, she didn’t drive super-slow. She got pulled over for speeding. The policeman took a long time writing out the speeding notice because his pen kept running out of ink.
62. My hang-glider got caught in a stiff cross-breeze that sent me a couple of kilometres off-track. The view was great, but I’ll be walking to school tomorrow.
63. Good things take time. School is good, and getting here takes time.
64. Slow down and take a look at yourself. Is it worth living life at this fast pace? I’m trying to help you out here.
65. There was no wind. Can’t sail with no wind.
66. The lollypop person made me wait an extraordinary amount of time before letting me cross the road. That’s who you should be pointing the finger at.
67. I was at a funeral. Ants have rights.
68. Is that what ‘present’ means? I thought you were asking for gifts. These double-meaning words get me every time.
69. I had a seven-course breakfast and I didn’t want to get indigestion by eating too quickly.
70. It takes a lot of time when you’re learning to shave. Thankfully, Dad’s a good teacher. And a good patient. I’m not the greatest pupil, though. It seems I’ve let down two adults today. Ha!
71. My rocket became stuck in orbit. The traffic up there is unbelievable.
72. My shoes fell apart as I was walking. I had to go to the shops and buy replacements. It took ages finding an exact copy of my old shoes – worn soles and all!
73. I got stuck listening to Dad’s record collection. This morning he played me the soundtrack to Lord of the Rings. Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Man, that thing just keeps on going.
74. I think I need a louder alarm. Caterpillars don’t really cut it.
75. Want to hear a random excuse? The paint was neither on the lawn, nor the dishwashing liquid on the spatula. Bricks are not evaluated according to age. That is why I am late.
76. There was another huge rally blocking all the streets. People were protesting against punctuality.
77. Please direct your accusing questions to my Personal Assistant. *point to Jim*
78. Believe it or not, I have no excuse. I simply woke up later than normal, took forever in the shower, forgot my bag and had to turn back for it, got caught at the pedestrian crossing and was picky when ordering my lunch from the canteen. I therefore arrived a good twenty-six minutes later than normal. So sue me.
79. I thought this was a dream. That’s the last time I try flying an elephant to school! I should also probably put some clothes on.
Does anybody in your family have a fancy phone? A smartphone? If they do, you had better be careful.
When Dad first brought home his new smartphone, I thought it was pretty cool. It had all the latest gadgets on it: the internet, games, photos, apps, video, voice recorder – you name it. If it had been invented, it was on Dad’s phone. Dad wouldn’t let anybody else touch his phone at first. But one night, everything changed.
‘What would you like to watch tonight, Phillip?’ asked Mum as we plonked ourselves on the couch.
‘The wrestling!’ I cried excitedly.
I hardly ever got to choose the channel, and I jumped at the chance to watch my favourite wrestlers in action. Bruce the Bruiser was the best of the lot. I loved the way he always lifted his opponents high above his head before slamming them to the ground. Bruce the Bruiser sure was great to watch.
‘Okay, Phillip,’ said Mum, sounding a bit disappointed. I think she wanted to watch something with a little less jumping and throwing.
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said, clicking the TV remote. I changed channels just in time to see Bruce the Bruiser enter the ring, ready for his next fight.
‘What’s this rubbish?’ said Dad, walking into the living room. ‘Phillip, I thought I told you not to watch the wrestling.’
He looked at the TV just as Bruce the Bruiser lifted his opponent above his head.
‘And who in their right mind walks around in their underpants?’ he added, shaking his head.
Just then, his new smartphone started to ring.
‘I’d better take this call,’ he said, leaving the living room.
Dad was always on the phone. He worked for the bank and took lots of important phone calls at night. Mum used to get cross at him for working so hard, but Dad said there was nothing he could do about it. Sometimes, I think he wished he had a different job. He used to joke about being an actor, but Mum said that acting doesn’t pay the bills. Dad would always smile, but deep down I think he liked the idea of being on television.
I went back to watching the wrestling and Mum went back to shivering every time Bruce the Bruiser slammed his opponent.
Dad eventually came back to the living room and sat on the couch next to me. His new smartphone was in his hand. I was just about to point out to him that Bruce’s underpants were actually shorts, when something strange happened. The television suddenly changed channels.
‘Hey!’ I protested. ‘Turn it back to the wrestling!’ I glared at Dad, annoyed he had switched programmes. Bruce’s underpants weren’t that bad, were they?
‘Wait a minute,’ said Dad. ‘This is Actor Advice. It’s my favourite show. I had no idea it was on tonight. Thanks for putting it on, honey.’
He looked at my mum.
‘Don’t look at me,’ she said. ‘I don’t have the remote – Phillip does!’
It was true. I was holding the television remote. The strange thing was that I hadn’t pressed any buttons on it. Confused, I placed the remote on the coffee table.
‘Thanks, son,’ said Dad, sounding surprised.
I crossed my arms and frowned as Dad wriggled comfortably onto the couch. There was no way I would be allowed to watch the wrestling now. Once Dad started watching Actor Advice, there was no chance of changing the channel.
He must have sensed my disappointment because he handed me his new smartphone.
‘Perhaps you can find a game to play,’ he suggested.
Just then, the television changed back to the wrestling.
‘No thanks!’ I said, quickly giving him his phone back. ‘I’ve got Bruce to watch!’
No sooner had I given the smartphone back to Dad than the TV changed channels again. It went back to Actor Advice.
‘Wait a moment,’ said Dad thoughtfully, looking at the phone. ‘I think my new phone is changing the channels.’
He gave the phone back to me, and, sure enough, the wrestling came on again.
‘How very brilliant,’ said Mum. ‘Can I have a turn?’
I handed the phone to her and a trivia show came on.
‘Oh, my favourite!’ she beamed. ‘I haven’t seen this show for weeks!’
Dad was very impressed. So was I. It was as if the phone was able to read our minds and put our favourite shows on. But this was only the beginning. The very next night, the new smartphone showed us how powerful it really was.
‘What time will Dad get home tonight?’ I asked Mum as I quickly finished my cheese on toast. I couldn’t wait to turn on the TV and try out the smartphone again. Dad had left the phone with us since he was in a big meeting and he knew how much we wanted to use it.
‘He should be home in an hour or so, Phillip,’ replied Mum. ‘He will have enough time to help you prepare for your maths test tomorrow.’
‘Great,’ I sighed, remembering the test. ‘I forgot about that.’
‘Maybe you should go and start studying now,’ suggested Mum hopefully. ‘That way you can show Dad what you’ve already done.’
‘No way!’ I objected. ‘I’m watching Bruce the Bruiser. He’s on in ten minutes!’
‘I’m afraid that won’t be happening,’ said Mum more firmly. ‘It’s an important test and I think you should go and do some work for it.’
‘But Mum –’
‘No buts.’
‘But you –’
‘No buts.’
‘But I –’
‘No buts!’
‘But Bruce –’
‘NO BUTS!’
I closed my mouth in defeat. When Mum raised her voice there was no arguing. She wanted me to study, and study is what I would have to do.
I trudged slowly to my room and slumped myself down at my desk. I pulled out my maths textbook and stared blankly at the pages. Who would write such horrible books? The complicated number questions before me seemed to rise up from the page, slapping me in the brains. There was no way I could do these questions on my own. I really needed Dad’s help. I sighed and began to draw a picture of Bruce the Bruiser on the side of the page.
‘WOO HOO!’ yelled Mum from the living room. ‘I got it right!’
