About the Book

  How do you protect yourself from a stalking mother? What are the 79 cheekiest excuses for not doing your homework? Why is your pencil case holding dangerous secrets? And what happens when you discover your teacher is not who you think they are?

  Find out in this hilarious collection of short stories. One thing is guaranteed – you will NEVER pick the endings!

  COVER

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  TITLE PAGE

  DEDICATION

  THE TOP 79 EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK

  GPS PEST

  PAGE WARS (PART 1)

  DEEP (TROUBLE) POCKET

  LUCKY LAMINGTONS

  TANGENTINE TEXTS TIM

  RACER ERASERS

  PAGE WARS (PART 2)

  KICK-BUTT STATIONERY

  THE KEY TO TIFFANY'S HEART

  PAGE WARS (PART 3)

  ASTRONAUT ANGELA

  LAST LAUGH

  ABOUT TIM HARRIS

  BOOKS BY TIM HARRIS

  READ ALL THE BOOKS IN THE EXPLODING ENDINGS SERIES

  HAVE YOU READ THE MR BAMBUCKLE’S REMARKABLES SERIES?

  MR BAMBUCKLE’S REMARKABLES SAMPLE CHAPTER

  . . . AND WHAT ABOUT THE TOFFLE TOWERS SERIES?

  IMPRINT

  READ MORE AT PENGUIN BOOKS AUSTRALIA

  1. I was too busy thinking about what a great teacher you are. Sometimes, that distracts me.

  2. I thought it was due yesterday. I did it and brought it to school, but you didn’t ask to see it, so I took it home again.

  3. My pet cat ate it.

  4. I saw an old lady crossing the road, so I stopped to help her. She was very grateful and wanted to know how she could thank me. I gave her my homework and asked her to deliver it to you. I think she’s a criminal, because she didn’t hold up her end of the deal.

  5. I was going to do it, but I have this disease that makes me forget things. What was the question again?

  6. I volunteered at a magic show last night. The magician made lots of things disappear, including my homework. He couldn’t bring it back, but at least I got a refund.

  7. We had a freak car accident on the way to school, and the only thing that got written off was my homework. I didn’t even have it insured.

  8. I spent my time planning ahead for next week’s homework. It will blow your mind.

  9. I thought the tasks you set were too easy. Can you please challenge me next week?

  10. I was caught in a storm on the way to school. I tried really hard to hang on to my homework, but the wind was too strong. I should have stapled it to the bottom of my bag.

  11. Aliens came and abducted me. They wanted to know all about Earth: our wildlife, plants, people, food, sport, clothing and our education system. I told them they wouldn’t find a better specimen than my homework. It’s somewhere between here and Jupiter.

  12. I’m raising awareness for disadvantaged people. I have to spend the next twenty days not doing my homework. Will you sponsor me?

  13. Burglars broke into our home last night and took all the good stuff.

  14. I would really like to give it to you now, but I’m afraid I can’t let that happen. If you see it, I will have to kill you. *put sunglasses on and walk away briskly*

  15. My pet goldfish ate it. Trust me.

  16. Haha! Good one.

  17. ‘Homework’? I thought you said ‘no work’.

  18. Dad really needed it for his job. He works in recycling. Keep an eye out for it next time you go to the loo and use environmentally friendly toilet paper. The third paragraph is a beauty.

  19. It’s in my head.

  20. I didn’t have time to do it because I was too busy shopping for your Christmas present.

  21. Charlie and I did it together. I let him take it to his teacher because he did all of the tricky bits. I can’t remember what school he goes to. Come to think of it, I can’t even remember if his name was Charlie.

  22. The fish-and-chip shop ran out of newspaper and they really needed to use my homework to wrap the food in. I could have burnt my fingers, but your homework task saved the day. Thank you. Chip?

  23. Do you remember the times I used to hand my homework in? The homework times? I remember them, too. They were good times.

  24. I did it on the computer. I remembered to save it and everything. It’s just that the computer was too heavy to carry to school.

  25. I’m offended. Every week you ask me the same homework question, and every week I give you the same answer. Of course I didn’t do it. I can’t stand us living like this anymore. There’s no future for us. *sob into handkerchief and run to bathroom*

  26. My pet rabbit ate it. Trust me. It really did.

  27. The world is not ready for it.

  28. I spent too much time researching the word ‘procrastination’. You’ll be pleased to know that I will get back to it at some stage.

  29. A gang of vicious criminals attacked me on the way to school. I fought them off with my homework. The police have kept it as evidence.

  30. I thought you were joking about us having homework due today. Sometimes, I don’t get your humour.

  31. But I emailed it to you . . . stupid technology.

  32. I thought this whole day was a dream. I was going to do it when I woke up. Hang on . . . is this a dream? I could have sworn I flew to school. *slap self in face*

  33. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘H’. I’ll give you a clue. It covers your head and it’s not my homework.

  34. This is going to sound outrageous and ridiculous . . . but . . . YAY-DIDDLE-DIDDLE-WOOT-WOOTY-WOO-DIDDLE-DIDDLE-DIDDLE-DINKY-DYE-DO!

  35. The doctors recently informed me that I’m allergic to homework. I’m getting tested for a punishment allergy tonight, so be careful what you do.

  36. Guess which hand my homework is in . . . Unlucky, it was the other hand.

  37. I saved you the work. I collected and marked it all by myself.

  38. My pet donkey ate it. Trust me. It really did. Truly.

  39. I didn’t do it because I was deeply offended that you cut into my family life. How would you like it if I stood in your bedroom asking you meaningless questions? It’s the same concept, isn’t it?

  40. It’s probably not a good time to tell you this, but I’ve decided to start speaking Spanish. Buenos días. ¿Cómo estás? Yo no he hecho mi trabajo. Por favor, no me dé detención.

  41. We are moving and so it is packed away in one of the boxes. Did you know moving is one of the most stressful things a person can go through? There you go. You learn something new every day.

  42. You haven’t checked Amanda’s yet. *point to Amanda and run away*

  43. Mum accidentally spilled coffee all over it. Well, we thought it was coffee, but it turned out to be some kind of acid. The homework disintegrated, and Mum is acting really weird.

  44. The questions were easy, but the answers were hard.

  45. I forgot to take the homework out of my bag when I went to swimming training. I also forgot to take the bag off my back when I dived into the water.

  46. Dad said I should surprise you by completing my homework for once. Well . . . you’re in for a real surprise. I haven’t got it! Surprise!

  47. Can I please have an extension? Eight more years should do the trick.

  48. No. No way. No, no, no, no, no. You’ve got me all wrong. I don’t do that stuff.

  49. My pet spider ate it. Trust me. It really did. Truly. I know it sounds weird, but it did.

  50. Do you believe in ghosts? I didn’t either until my homework turned into one.

  51. Mum and Dad told me I should have a week off. They gave me that wonderful advice a few years ago around Christmas time, but I’ve been saving it up until now.

  52. I turned my homework into a neat little paper aeroplane. You should have seen it fly! It just zoomed off the bridge and kept going right down into the river. Then it turned into a boat!

  53. I was sick and touched my homework all over. I’m sure you can appreciate the precautionary nature of not handling it.

  54. I didn’t know what to do. Please be clearer with your instructions.

  55. I just wanted to make sure you would check to see it. Now that I know you check for real, I will do it for real.

  56. You keep teaching me to take risks. Does this count?

  57. Mum and Dad made me do the washing-up every night as punishment for not doing my homework last week. I didn’t have enough time to do anything else. Keep talking to them and the endless cycle will continue. Okay, the ball is in your court now.

  58. My pet snail ate it. Trust me. It really did. Truly. I know it sounds weird, but it did. Who would have thought it was a part of their diet?

  59. You keep blaming me for something I didn’t do.

  60. I was doing my homework and helping Mum with the cooking at the same time. She asked me to chop it all up. How was I meant to know she was talking about the pumpkin?

  61. I was doing my homework and helping Dad with the firewood at the same time. He asked me to chop it all up. Aha, you thought I was going to say, ‘How was I meant to know he was talking about the firewood?’. Well, I chopped the firewood, but how was I supposed to know he meant to put the wood into the fire?

  62. I turned my homework into a scary Halloween costume. I know, it gives me bad dreams, too.

  63. ‘Due Friday’? I thought you said ‘June Friday’. We all laughed at you because we thought you were really weird.

  64. There is a big difference between ‘due’ and ‘dew’ that I am yet to learn. I left my homework on the lawn overnight. It disappeared when the sun came out.

  65. It’s in South America. Looooong story.

  66. But you told me to make sure it was amazing. Good things take time.

  67. Close your eyes and I’ll teleport it to you.

  68. Would I be lying if I told you I did it? Have a think about that for a while and get back to me. *hold eye contact and slowly back away*

  69. You don’t have a reputation as the most forgiving teacher for nothing.

  70. Our printer ran out of ink. Yes, I know it had to be handwritten, but I had to help Mum get new ink. Ahhh, got you with that one.

  71. Dad needed help testing the new shredding machine.

  72. My pet giraffe ate it. Trust me. It really did. Truly. I know it sounds weird, but it did. Who would have thought it was a part of their diet? And, yes, it’s legal to have them as pets.

  73. It was cloudy on the way to school. Then it started raining. I took cover under a big gum tree, but the rain got really heavy. As I was running for a more suitable shelter, the rain increased so much that it started to flash flood. I had to run back to the gum tree and hold on for dear life. The raging waters swirled around me. The rain got even heavier, and debris started floating past my safety point. Some ants floated past and I let them use my homework as a raft. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I swear I’m telling the truth about the cloudy part.

  74. My pet humpback whale ate it. Trust me. It really did. Truly. I know it sounds weird, but it did. Who would have thought it was a part of their diet? And, yes, it’s legal to have them as pets. One day, when all this blows over, I’ll take you out to meet him. Or it could be a her. I’m not too sure.

  75. You keep encouraging me to work to my strengths. Homework isn’t one of them.

  76. I sold it on eBay.

  77. I told you last week. And the week before. Why do I have to keep reminding you that I didn’t do it?

  78. No offence, but have you ever thought about becoming a tax collector? That’s the kind of vibe I’m getting here.

  79. What! It was right here on my desk. I did it. I actually did it and brought it to school. It was right here. I can’t believe it! It was truly right here! This is an outrage because I had it just a second ago. I spent so much time on it and everything was done. It was right here on the edge of my desk. I had actually done it. For once in my life I had done it . . . just joking. Sorry about that.

  Throughout the ages, human beings have given and received billions and billions of gifts. The GPS that Dad gave Mum last Christmas was by far and away the worst of the lot.

  The house lights dimmed and the giant speakers on the cinema walls began to emit a deep sound. It was the rumbling of an engine. A helicopter whooshed across the screen. The audience gasped as the helicopter suddenly exploded into a million pieces.

  ‘The bad guys,’ squeaked Ed. He covered his eyes as an enemy stealth bomber zoomed onto the screen.

  I dipped my hand into the buttery popcorn and took a sip of my soda.

  ‘Watch out!’ blurted Ed as the enemy stealth bomber hit another target. The whole cinema shook with the impact. The massive screen flashed yellow and orange as the target blew up. I could feel my insides shake with the blast.

  I loved going to the movies, especially with Ed. He was my best friend.

  I wriggled back into the spongy cinema chair and took another sip of my soda.

  One of the good guys’ cars appeared and shot down the enemy stealth bomber. The audience cheered. Ed began to celebrate, too, though he accidentally snorted buttery popcorn in through his nose. I was about to laugh at him but, unfortunately, something stopped me.

  It was Mum. She had found me.

  ‘Dewey!’ she called in her most annoying tone.

  Her voice cut through the 5.1 surround sound like a jagged knife cutting butter. ‘Dewey, darling . . . where are you? Dewey!’

  I covered my face with my hands and wriggled further into the chair.

  ‘Dewey!’

  ‘Shhh!’ hissed someone near the front.

  ‘Dewey!’ called Mum even louder, ignorant of the fact that most of the cinema audience was now glaring at her.

  The movie screen froze and one of the cinema staff shone their torch at Mum.

  The audience booed.

  ‘Dewey!’ persisted Mum, ignoring the torchlight on her face. She started walking down the aisle, calling out my name over and over again.

  ‘Shut up,’ complained a teenage boy sitting near the back. ‘Dewey obviously isn’t here.’

  Mum ignored him and kept moving closer to where I was hiding.

  I wriggled so far back into my chair that I passed wind.

  ‘That stinks,’ protested Ed.

  Mum spotted me.

  ‘There you are, Dewey, darling!’ she squealed in delight. She pointed directly at me so everyone could see who I was. ‘I knew you were here. This GPS never lies.’

  Mum was holding her favourite item: a state-of-the-art GPS device.

  GPS stands for Global Positioning System, in case you didn’t know. Most people use a GPS to navigate when they drive. Some people use them to track how far they walk or run, while others use them to calculate distances.

  Mum uses hers to stalk me.

  Dad gave her a GPS last Christmas. It came with a watch and tracking device. Dad thought Mum would enjoy seeing how far she walked each day.

  Mum had other ideas.

  I have to wear the watch. It beams a signal into space. The signal bounces off a satellite and returns instantly to Mum’s GPS, showing her my precise location. She always knows exactly where I am.

  ‘Dewey, you forgot your special hanky,’ she said, handing me a bright-yellow handkerchief.

  ‘What are you doing, Mum?’ I moaned, taking the handkerchief. ‘You’ve ruined the whole movie.’

  Everyone in the cinema was watching us. They were all frowning. I was beyond embarrassed.

  ‘What if you need to blow your nosey wosey, Dewey?’

  ‘Call me David,’ I complained. ‘Dewey sounds like a girl’s name.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Dewey, darling,’ replied Mum, turning to the audience. ‘Does anyone else here think Dewey sounds like a girl’s name?’

  ‘Mum!’ I hissed. ‘Stop it!’

  ‘Who thinks Dewey sounds like a girl’s name?’ she repeated.

  A kid in the row behind us put his hand up. So did his dad. About six other people put their hands up, too. The teenager at the back probably would have as well, but he was too busy kissing his girlfriend.

  ‘See, Dewey, darling? Most people don’t think it’s a girly name,’ said Mum. ‘Now, you come home in time for your bubble bath. I’ll be waiting to help wash behind your ears.’

  Someone in the audience giggled.

  ‘I’m eleven years old,’ I groaned, my cheeks flushing with humiliation. ‘Please stop embarrassing me.’

  Mum ignored me with a silly laugh and turned to leave.

  ‘I’ll be waiting for your bubble bath, Dewey!’ she sang, waltzing back up the aisle as if her cinema disruption was the most normal thing in the world.

  At soccer training the next day, I instructed Ed not to tell anyone about the movie incident.

  ‘It’s just so embarrassing,’ I said, fiddling with my watchstrap. ‘I wish this whole GPS system didn’t exist. No matter what I do or where I go, Mum can always hunt me down.’

  ‘If my Mum hunted me down like that, I’d move to Kazakhstan,’ said Ed.

  ‘I wish I could move to Kazakhstan,’ I sighed. ‘Maybe I should live under the ocean – anywhere to get away from the embarrassment.’

  ‘Why don’t you take the watch off?’ suggested Ed. ‘That way you can hide it somewhere and she’ll never find you.’

 

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