Screenshots & Laughing Gas, page 1
About the Book
Have you ever eaten pink spider web? What are the 79 zaniest things to bring to show-and-tell? Is it possible to earn three thousand dollars without anybody else finding out? And how do you stop random people texting you?
Find out in this hilarious collection of short stories. One thing is guaranteed – you will NEVER pick the endings!
COVER
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
THE TOP 79 WEIRDEST THINGS TO TAKE TO SHOW-AND-TELL
SPIDER FLOSS
TANGENTINE TEXTS AGAIN
INTERPRETING MRS BLATCHFORD
SLOW LOTION
PAGE WARS (PART 1)
WANNA BUY THIS FOR FIVE BUCKS?
TANGENTINE TEXTS FOR A FAVOUR
SHORTCUT BURGERS
PAGE WARS (PART 2)
HIT ’EM HARD WITH A BACKYARD CARD
PAGE WARS (PART 3)
TANGENTINE TEXTS ONCE AGAIN
ABOUT TIM HARRIS
BOOKS BY TIM HARRIS
READ ALL THE BOOKS IN THE EXPLODING ENDINGS SERIES
HAVE YOU READ THE MR BAMBUCKLE’S REMARKABLES SERIES?
. . . AND WHAT ABOUT THE TOFFLE TOWERS SERIES?
IMPRINT
READ MORE AT PENGUIN BOOKS AUSTRALIA
1. Your grandma’s false teeth. Especially if she hasn’t cleaned them. Ever.
2. A drum kit that features built-in, volume-amplifying mega speakers. And twenty-five sets of ultra-enhancing hearing aids for your classmates.
3. The washing-up from the night before. *ask for an enthusiastic volunteer to give a real-life demonstration* *thank that person very much*
4. Your cousins. All thirty-seven of them.
5. The lamppost next to your letterbox. Random.
6. A close-up photo of you popping your first pimple.
7. The grass clippings from when you cut the lawn three Saturdays ago. The clippings you had to take out of the garbage bin near the back fence. The garbage bin that also contained your neighbour’s dead cat. Those grass clippings.
8. Your pet axolotl’s award-winning self-portrait painted in octopus ink. Even more random.
9. A real-life dragon, and sticks for your class to poke it with.
10. Some guy you met on the street last Tuesday and the enormous foam golf ball he was trying to balance on his head.
11. Your imaginary friend Stan and his imaginary friend Russell.
12. An inflatable dinghy. Inflated. And 25,000 litres of water.
13. Your very first nappy from when you were an innocent little baby who wouldn’t dream of creating something so disgusting.
14. Your teacher’s worst fear. *research heavily beforehand to ensure you get it just right*
15. The comet that is about to crash into the school. *claim the comet is your show-and-tell* *this will earn you the most incredible respect from your peers* *it may also get you expelled and end all life on earth*
16. A car park.
17. Sugary sweets and cans of soda for each of your classmates. *administer early in the day and enjoy watching your teacher lose control of everyone*
18. The love letters your dad wrote to your mum when they were dating.
19. A scrunched-up piece of paper from the garbage bin next to your teacher’s desk.
20. Earmuffs. *use them after show-and-tell to block out the noise of your teacher speaking*
21. A beached whale. *you may have to leave the beach behind as it’d be too heavy to carry* *mind you, you managed to bring the car park without any hassle* *throw in the beach for good measure and rally your classmates to help save the whale*
22. Speaking of wildlife – a wild bull. Make that an angry, wild bull. Also required are green shirts for your classmates and a bright red shirt for your teacher.
23. Your cold and flu symptoms.
24. A dozen printed copies of your dad’s boring work emails. *read aloud the first three so you cut into the Maths lesson*
25. A special electronic device that infiltrates the school’s computer systems and sends out emails to all the parents announcing that the holidays are extended. Forever.
26. The Sydney New Year’s Eve fireworks display.
27. Nothing. Try winging it for a bit. See if anyone notices.
28. The Sahara Desert. Just make sure you don’t get the sand mixed up with the sand from the beached whale’s beach. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for the poor whale to free itself from one of the hottest deserts on earth, not to mention the effort it would take your classmates to help free the whale. Mind you, you could give them the sugary sweets and cans of soda beforehand. That should give them the required energy levels. I can’t believe how off-track we just got.
29. Laughing gas. Lots of it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
30. An espresso machine, a packet of jelly beans, three goldfish and a safari hat. Now we’re getting very random. Try linking those items together!
31. A cloud. I don’t know how you’re going to catch one, but have a crack. Bringing a cloud to school for show-and-tell would be awesome in anyone’s book.
32. A new blend of sauce, halfway between tomato and barbecue. Call it ‘Barbato Sauce’ and try it on a pizza base. Surely, this needs to be invented. You’ll become rich and famous and host the best pizza parties ever! Your tastebuds will thank you. So will mine.
33. The entire contents of your sister’s bedroom.
34. A hungry lion, a weak buffalo, a slow-motion camera and your best improvised documentary narration.
35. The Olympic Games. Good luck with that one.
36. The world’s smallest watermelon and the world’s largest grape. Compare the two. This will throw everyone’s perception of size out the window.
37. A horse with an ice-cream cone stuck upside down on its head. *claim to have discovered unicorns* *eat the ice cream before strategically placing the cone*
38. Anti-adult spray. Enjoy a day without any grown-ups.
39. A burp in a jar.
40. A snow-making machine and some snowboards for your friends.
41. The little brown ball of goo that has been under your bed since you were three years old.
42. Your great-great-grandmother’s delicate china bowl, and a heavy tenpin bowling ball. *carry the two items in the same bag for the sake of ease* *realising your error, visit an antique store on the way home* *buy a new delicate china bowl* *put it in a separate bag to carry home*
43. A portable camp fire, sixty delicious beef sausages, three loaves of bread and a bottle of ‘Barbato Sauce’. *have a good story up your sleeve for the cooking process*
44. Tim Harris. He’s weird.
45. Twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, fiiiiive gooooolden riiiiings . . . four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
46. An invisibility cloak. And invisibility socks in case your feet stick out. Harry never thought of that scenario.
47. A fire extinguisher. *demonstrate putting out a fire as if your teacher is ablaze*
48. A frisbee made out of dried cow dung.
49. Your uncle’s monster truck.
50. The dead cockroach that has been under the fridge for the past couple of months.
51. A can of vegetable soup. Weird. I can’t imagine you’d speak for more than fifteen seconds about that. I mean, what would you even say? ‘This can of soup is very special to me. We’ve been friends for years. Sometimes, we play catch. I always win.’
52. Your favourite movie, a popcorn maker, comfortable cushions, black curtains to block the light from the windows, a forty-inch wide-screen television and a letter from your parents saying that you have permission to combine the elements for your show-and-tell. *allow 90 minutes* *toilet break included*
53. A time machine so you can travel five minutes into the future and see how show-and-tell turned out. If it was a dismal failure, travel back into the past and choose something more interesting.
54. A giant snail and a saddle. Send your teacher on a ride around the neighbourhood. Conveniently, it will take your teacher about six days to return. *enjoy*
55. A thirty-one-centimetre ruler – just to annoy your friends.
56. A large mirror so the class just sits there staring at themselves during show-and-tell. *awkward*
57. Your atom collection. All four-hundred-and-seventy-nine billion, eighty-two million, six-hundred-and-fifty-three thousand and eleven of them.
58. A small fragment of air, the hole from a doughnut and a piece of the equator line.
59. An inappropriate full stop
60. A jukebox containing really bad music from the 1980s. While your teacher is reminiscing for the next few hours, do whatever you want. *your teacher should snap out of it by the time My Sharona starts playing*
61. Your life-sized replica Tyrannosaurus rex.
62. A massive thunderstorm, and a warm raincoat for the classmate you have a crush on. Thunderstorms can be romantic, you know. *stay back to help your teacher clean up the mess* *what am I going on about? Don’t stay back! Your teacher can deal with the mess*
63. An enormous slingshot. *open the classroom window and demonstrate by slinging your maths book to the other side of the world*
64. A powerful magnet that repels all classroom furniture. Shame, that.
65. Boy germs.
66. Your unopened lunchbox from the end of last year. *open it and enjoy the aroma*
67. A photoshopped picture of you as a baby racing a Formula One car.
68. Your mum’s perfume collection and twenty-five pegs for your classmates’ noses.
69. A giant hole puncher that enables you to put holes through entire books, desks and buildings. *be sure to empty the bottom out for interesting (and dangerous) confetti*
70. The tooth fairy and her collection of teeth. Actually, her collection of coins might be a bit more interesting.
71. Ask show-and-tell to come to you because you’re too lazy to come to it.
72. A karaoke machine and microphone for your best friend to live out her dreams as a pop star. Make her sing some of that 1980s music your teacher listens to. While your teacher is distracted, find out how the whale you saved is doing.
73. Tangentine. Everyone wants to know what she looks like!
74. An empty ink cartridge. Try talking about it for longer than you did the can of vegetable soup. Let me know how you go!:)
75. The number seventy-five.
76. The anchor from a cruise ship. Point out how you borrowed it from the ship that is in the news because it is drifting helplessly out to sea. *try to hide the anchor in your brother’s room so he gets the blame*
77. The world’s worst magician and some rotten tomatoes. You’ll be in for an interesting experience, no matter what happens!
78. After arranging things with your teacher’s parents, bring in a photo album from when your teacher was a kid. Claim the photos are yours. Watch the confusion on your teacher’s face as you relive his or her childhood in your show-and-tell.
79. All of the above. At the same time.
When Sir Howard Creame announced he would be touring the country to run a dessert-making competition, my whole life changed. It’s not every day you get the chance to win a thousand dollars and a trip to Sydney to eat at his restaurant. Was I lucky to win the competition? Yeah, I guess you could say I was lucky.
Sir Howard Creame’s Sydney restaurant is famous. People travel from all over the world to eat there. They fly in just to taste his desserts.
I’ve never eaten at his restaurant before. Yet, here I am, at the chef’s table, being waited on like a movie star. I order his latest creation – an ice cream sundae in the shape of the Sydney Opera House. It costs more than a hundred dollars, but I get it for free. The waiter scribbles down my order and shuffles away like a penguin.
Sir Howard Creame pops out from the kitchen. He waves across to his fans and sits next to me. Everybody is staring at me. I bet they’re jealous.
‘Cindy, my dear, how delightful it is to see you again,’ he says.
‘Hello, Sir Howard,’ I say. ‘Thank you for choosing me.’
‘A pleasure, a pleasure. I trust you enjoyed the flight. I insisted you travel first class, of course.’
‘First class is cool,’ I say. ‘I’ve never sat at the front of a plane before.’
Sir Howard leans close to me. I can tell he wants to get down to business. ‘I must know, dear Cindy, what is the name of your dessert? I simply must have the recipe.’
‘Spider floss,’ I say.
‘Spider floss?’
‘That’s right.’
Sir Howard pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and puts it on the table. There is a large number written at the bottom of the paper. ‘That’s how much I am willing to pay you for your recipe,’ he says. ‘The spider-floss dessert will be our main attraction.’
It’s hard not to hide my smile. ‘Thank you,’ I say.
Sir Howard leans closer still. ‘Do tell me, Cindy. How did you create your dessert?’
‘Pinko,’ I say.
‘Pinko?’
‘Yes, Pinko.’
‘What is Pinko?’
‘Not what is Pinko,’ I say. ‘Who.’
Sir Howard frowns. It’s not an angry frown. It’s a confused one. So, I tell him my story.
Everyone at school went bonkers when they found out Sir Howard Creame was coming to town. There was to be a competition like no other. Whoever made the best dessert had the chance to win a thousand dollars and a trip to Sydney. There was a lot of hype – just like that story about the man and his chocolate factory.
Sir Howard only gave a week’s notice before he arrived in town. He said he didn’t like giving anyone too much time to perfect a recipe. The best chefs, he said, delivered under pressure.
There was pressure, all right. Our town was announced as the last stop in his nationwide search – chances were he already had someone’s recipe in mind.
I decided to work on a brownie recipe. Brownies can be delicious when they’re done just right. And my brownies were up there with the best.
Lin and I talked about our ideas as we walked home from school.
‘How will you make your brownies stand out?’ Lin asked. ‘I know a few others are making them, too.’ Lin was a good friend like that – always pointing out problems.
‘I haven’t worked that out yet,’ I said. ‘But I’m sure I’ll think of something.’
‘I was going to make crème brûlée,’ said Lin. ‘But dessert is not my thing. I don’t think I’ll enter.’ She stopped walking and pointed up. ‘What’s that?’
Hundreds of tiny pink threads floated across the afternoon sky. They looked like bits of string, drifting in the wind.
‘No idea,’ I said. And I didn’t think about it again until I got home and found a pink thread caught on my windowsill.
‘I’m going to name you Pinko,’ I said.
The tiny pink spider danced on the windowsill when I spoke. He seemed to like the sound of my voice. ‘Pinko it is then.’
Pinko scurried outside and pulled on the pink thread of web that had carried him to my bedroom window. He dragged it inside and tied it to the bottom corner of the window, using it as the base of a new web, which he spun in a flash. He climbed into the middle of the web and blinked at me.
‘You’re a fast spinner,’ I said. ‘Nice web.’
Pinko bobbed up and down on the web and blinked again.
‘I’ve gotta go and work on a recipe,’ I said. ‘I’ll see you in a little while.’
The brownie recipe was coming along nicely, but I kept thinking about what Lin had said. How could I make it stand out? Sir Howard Creame wouldn’t settle for any old dessert.
I tried mixing in berries. That made the brownies go soggy.
I tried adding extra chocolate. That made the brownies go hard in the oven.
I added more flour. That took away the flavour.
Nothing seemed to work. That was, until I thought outside the box.
‘I’ve got it!’ I said to Mum. ‘I’m going to combine two of the greatest foods in the history of foodkind.’
‘And what are two of the greatest foods in the history of foodkind?’ said Mum, who had kindly let me take over the kitchen.
‘Brownies and doughnuts,’ I said. ‘I am going to create the brownut!’
Mum’s eyes sparkled. I could tell she liked the idea. ‘I’ll leave you to it, Cindy,’ she said.
I spent the next few hours working on the right combination of ingredients. I had to get the balance just right. It couldn’t be too much like a brownie, and it couldn’t be too much like a doughnut.
It was almost dinnertime when I had perfected the brownut. It was shaped like a rectangle with a large circular hole in the middle. Although spongy like a doughnut, it was heavy like a brownie. I let Dad try it for his entree.
‘It’s delicious!’ he cried. ‘I want another one!’
‘It’s exquisite!’ said Mum, who was more than happy to taste as well.
I took a bite out of my own brownut. Chocolate gooey goodness flooded my mouth. It was perfect.
