Toxic People, page 14
Figure 9 A relaxation exercise
You need to be there in every sense. This takes quite a lot of practice.
Don’t hurry this procedure, and remember to practise. It will work, and when it does you’ll be in a much stronger position to deal with the challenges you face.
Mindfulness
Again, readers of my earlier books will recognize this as a recurring topic. That is because it is a key to achieving real stability in life, whatever or whoever you face. Mindfulness, or mindfulness-based cognitive behavioural therapy (MBCBT), is a very powerful technique. Many would say that it’s more than that – it’s a whole way of life. It’s a way of being which has been lifted from Buddhist philosophy and taken on by the cognitive therapy movement. I’m only going to touch on it here; if the concept interests you, I would suggest that you invest in one of the excellent texts on the subject written by an expert. I would recommend Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation for Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn, or Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.
In essence, mindfulness is beautifully simple, though in practice it can be difficult to carry out. Again, it’s all about practice. There are only two main principles. The first is to stay present. Don’t spend time ruminating about the past, except when you are trying to learn positive lessons from it. There is a time for reflection and learning from experience, but not repetitively, not resentfully and above all, not focusing on the injustice of it all. Once a period of reflection has led to appropriate conclusions, you need to come straight back into the present. Don’t then revisit the past event unless something new has happened or changed, requiring further re-evaluation.
Equally, don’t ruminate about the future unless you are doing real planning. When the plan is made, come straight back into the present. The stuff you’re worrying about won’t happen anyway, though something else will and there will be time to deal with that, whatever it is, when it happens. Your miserable meandering through your past and your future is a set of myths created by your distorted take on things. The only reality available to you is now, so experience it. This means being really conscious of your situation and environment, of everything you perceive and feel. What colour are the flowers you have just passed, what does the birdsong sound like, what colour are the bricks of the house in front of you? The list of sensations available to you is long, if you are really conscious and notice them.
The second principle of mindfulness is to stop fighting. That is, accept what is and can’t be changed. In order to experience life we have to stop fighting it. So stop fighting the past, the future, unfairness, people, institutions, symptoms and most of all, your inability to administer just deserts to those who oppress you or those you love.
The mindful solution to toxic people is to experience them. Much of the stress and harm that comes from being in the presence of a toxic person or situation results from our railing against them. Boiling up with impotent rage isn’t good for you, so work on bringing down your emotional temperature. Several eastern martial arts utilize the concept of defeating your opponent by appearing to submit to him. If you are unfortunate enough to be confronted by a man running towards you with a knife, the best thing you can do is to position yourself in front of a wall. As your assailant comes almost within touching distance, you step deftly to one side, allowing him to crash headlong into the wall. Through your quiet refusal to engage in combat, your opponent has defeated himself.
Prevailing, or at least surviving intact being stuck with someone toxic, will come not through struggle, but through the lack of it. This doesn’t mean being a doormat and letting yourself be abused; it means achieving stillness in the face of toxicity, rather than flailing around uselessly. If you need to stand your ground, do so firmly but quietly. Stolid refusal to budge is much more effective than the shouting matches at which most toxic people excel.
I know this sounds easier said than done, and maybe it is, but mindfully accepting and experiencing people, however difficult they may be, is much better for your well-being than fighting them and, paradoxically, is much more likely to lead to you achieving an improvement in your situation. The quiet introduction of a thought has much more chance of changing a person’s mind than full-on intellectual combat. If you become good at this you can often leave the other person believing that he has come up with the thought you introduced. Mindfulness is calmness, which is the state in which you are best placed to deal with challenges. If you’re with a toxic person you’re going to face plenty of those.
Like relaxation techniques, mindfulness takes practice. Do get one of the books I’ve mentioned, go to some mindfulness classes, get a mindfulness audio file or whatever. But stick at it.
Dealing with gameplaying
You might find it worth glancing back at the section on gameplaying in Chapter 2 at this stage, unless your memory is a lot better than mine. I’m including the subject here rather than in the next chapter because it isn’t only habitual gameplayers who use this manoeuvre. Most toxic people also do so, though maybe less often than dyed-in-the-wool gameplayers.
If you often feel you’ve been put in a position where you’re not comfortable, but are unable quite to put your finger on why you’re uncomfortable or how to refuse or protest without seeming unreasonable, the chances are that you’re embroiled in someone’s game. The point about games is that they are covert, subtle, not obvious, particularly to outsiders. But they are carefully designed to make you do what you wouldn’t do by choice.
People play games because of the payoff they get from doing so, that is the reward for successfully using the tactic. So you need to understand what the player is doing and what her payoff is. That’s why the study of gameplaying is called ‘transactional analysis’. You need to understand the transaction, what is really going on, and its purpose. When you’ve achieved this, it’s time to design the antithesis, that is the measure you take to prevent the player from achieving her desired payoff.
Let’s go back to Helen and her mother, from the introduction and the gameplaying section in Chapter 2. Mum recognizes that Helen has little self-esteem and less sense of entitlement. After all, her neglectful and abusive parenting made Helen that way. She uses these vulnerabilities, playing on Helen’s guilt. Mum’s payoffs are the power to bend Helen to her will, ensuring Helen’s company without having to be kind in return, placing herself in front of Helen’s husband and friends in the pecking order of importance, and saving money. So what are the antitheses? Think about this for a minute. I have my ideas, but it’s good practice for you to form your own.
For me, Helen should start by giving up the myth that, if she tries hard enough and is a good enough daughter, her mother one day will express her love and appreciation. No she won’t. If she was going to do that, she would have done it 30 years ago. So Helen should make it very clear to Mum what she will and won’t do, and when Mum tries to make her feel guilty she should refuse to acknowledge any guilt, even if she feels it. That is an antithesis; Mum won’t be getting her payoff for playing the ‘I’ll make you guilty’ game. When Mum fails to attend her hospital appointment, ‘because I couldn’t face it without you there to support me’, Helen should shrug her shoulders and respond, ‘Oh, well, you’d better rebook, hadn’t you? Get your neighbour Phyllis to take you if you want company.’
Mum will be horrified, will go quiet for a few days or weeks, and then Helen will get a call from Phyllis to say that Mum isn’t eating well, is going downhill, and what is Helen going to do about it? Be careful now, Helen, you’re being sucked back into the game. Ask Phyllis to phone Mum’s GP or suggest Mum do so herself. But don’t go round and sort everything out. Ardent gameplayers will keep the struggle to bend you to their will going for some time. It isn’t uncommon for the Helens of this world to receive phone calls from Mum or from a neighbour saying that Mum has taken an overdose of medicine. I can’t say there is no risk to Helen standing her ground, but I can say this: the risk is much greater if she doesn’t. If Mum continues to succeed in getting her payoff by raising the stakes, she is likely to keep doing so every time Helen tries to impose limits. Deciding on an appropriate limit (it’s helpful to talk to friends and loved ones about this) and sticking to it is the least risky option.
This may all seem rather hard and cruel, but it isn’t. I’m not suggesting that Helen should turn from a doting daughter into a hard, heartless, self-centred curmudgeon. I do, though, believe that she should treat herself as of equal importance with her mother; not more important, but not less so either. Her duties should be balanced between her mother’s needs and her own, and in order to achieve that balance she’s going to have to understand her mother’s games and employ some antitheses. Read Eric Berne’s Games People Play if you need more help with this.
The principle of treating everyone as of equal importance is explored further in the book I’m OK, You’re OK by Thomas Harris. The premise is well encapsulated in the title. If your starting point is not that you have to disprove your hypothesis that you are worthless or prove that you are better than the next person, but that we’re all OK despite our differences, your vulnerability to gameplaying and manipulation is greatly diminished. No need for judgements of your own or others’ worth, just freedom to make your own decisions.
This stuff is hard. Lifetime gameplayers are very skilled at what they do. Don’t expect to turn it all around in an instant. But do think about what is going on, the payoffs and the possible antitheses, and talk about them to people who really care about you.
11
Coping with specific types of toxic people
The principles I have outlined in the last three chapters should help you cope with whatever type of toxicity you face, but it’s worth going back to the types of people and situations who or which tend to do harm, to make sure we’re clear on what you need to do to cope with them. I’ll refer to the same characters who illustrated the different types of toxic people in Chapter 4. Look back to that chapter if you need to.
Boundary invaders
George’s nature will be clear fairly quickly after you meet him. His audacity is remarkable. So beware from the outset. The easiest way to set boundaries with him is at the beginning. If you refuse to be persuaded by him, he’ll turn to someone else who is easier to push around. Be firm and consistent. If he labels you as a selfish person and a bad friend because you won’t give in to him, so what? Better than being his slave.
If you’ve known George for months or years and you aren’t a naturally assertive person, the chances are that George has already achieved a shifting of your boundaries, which he has taken as the new norm. You’re the one who always says yes, does what is asked of you, lends him money and doesn’t get repaid. Shifting these boundaries back to where you want them is harder than it would have been if you’d set them in stone to begin with, but it’s not impossible. Be honest and clear. Don’t make up excuses, as he’ll see through them or find a way of invalidating them. ‘No George, not today, I’m tired and I don’t feel like it’ (presuming you are tired – if you’re not, don’t pretend, just say no) will be met with horrified incredulity, but stick to your guns. ‘Oh, come on, just this once, it’s really important’ can be countered with a simple shake of the head and a straight ‘No, not today,’ whereas if you had spun some yarn to get you out of whatever he was asking things would have been much more complicated. You’d be operating in George’s wheelhouse; he’s very good at finding ways past excuses.
If you want to take this opportunity to draw a line in the sand, by all means do so, perhaps by saying, ‘George, by all means ask me for stuff, but please don’t count on me saying yes. I want a choice.’ But if you don’t feel up to confronting him in this way right now, no matter, so long as from now on you’re consistent with your boundaries. He’ll eventually get the message and test somebody else’s boundaries instead.
Nuclei of chaos
If Mildred is your friend or acquaintance, keep a safe distance and don’t get pulled into taking responsibility for her. To an extent, the same holds true for family members, though the parents of underage children or those with a mental illness are in a more difficult situation, as are spouses. Wherever possible, Mildred should be left in no doubt that she is responsible for her actions and that you aren’t going to take responsibility for them. Do this from the start of your relationship or friendship, whenever Mildred does anything that feels destructive and over the top (her behaviours may not be extraordinary at first, but they will tend to escalate). This really is crucial. If Mildred comes to rely on you bailing her out so that she can avoid the consequences of her excesses, the risk that she will act irresponsibly is increased.
I have to admit, though, that this can be really hard. One of the most difficult aspects of my job was maintaining this boundary with the Mildreds under my care. It took a lot of nerve, when one particular Mildred (I should emphasize that the exact details of what happened in this case have been changed) phoned me from her mobile to tell me that she was standing on a window ledge, not to go screeching around to where she was and haul her to safety. More than once in this type of situation I refused to call the police or go to the scene myself, but firmly told my patient to get back inside and then phone me back to arrange an urgent appointment. But I can tell you, it took a lot out of me.
Presuming you’re not a mental health professional, these judgement calls will be even harder, and of course, you have to err on the side of safety. But remember that always being Mildred’s saviour isn’t likely to make her safer in the long run. Don’t allow yourself to be a puppet on the end of Mildred’s string. If Mildred really is as chaotic as described in Chapter 4, try to get her to see a psychiatrist if you can. Or even better, if you’re not related to Mildred, try to have somebody else, preferably a family member, take her.
If it’s down to you, this will mean you getting her to her GP first. And you’ll need to go with her, as at first glance there will be nothing to indicate the turmoil under Mildred’s surface. If, say, after taking some pills, she ends up in A&E, try to have a word with the attending doctor if you can. If Mildred has a contact point in her local community mental health team, you’ll be off the hook to an extent at her many times of crisis. As always, don’t allow yourself to become isolated. Talk to wise friends and family in order to seek guidance when you can, and to a doctor when expertise is required. Above all, give yourself recognition for what you’re trying to do. You are in a horribly difficult situation, one in which nobody gets it right all the time. Try to change the way you react to Mildred’s drama and chaos, but don’t expect to become expert at managing her excesses overnight. If you feel that you need some therapy yourself to help you cope, why not? Start by going to your GP and see what he or she has to say.
Users, abusers, loafers and energy vampires
I really can’t see the point in hanging around a user, even less an abuser. If you can, fair enough; maybe you’re married to Joel. I’m certainly not going to advocate divorce, unless that’s what you’ve already decided on. But, if marriage isn’t the reason, you do need to ask yourself why Joel is in your life. Do you have a set of assumptions or ‘givens’ that are keeping you in the destructive relationship? If you assume that your role in life is always to serve others regardless of how they treat you, I would dispute your assumption. Life is about giving and taking; the two need to be in balance.
Tell Joel what your needs are. He may not realize and, being a bloke, he may need telling several times. Most men aren’t very intuitive. But if Joel wilfully and persistently ignores your needs you really need to consider what your relationship with him is for. Hoping that he’ll change and become kinder with time is pointless. It isn’t going to happen. If you cross Joel off your list of friends, you may be lonely for a while, particularly if you lead quite a solitary life, but I would suggest that a fake friend is worse than no friend at all. Once you get the Joels out of your life other, more giving people will find you, if you let them. It may take some time, but it will happen. Real friends haven’t appeared before now because there was no space for them; Joel took it all.
Joel the loafer needs to be given instructions as to what you require from him, in words of one syllable. Make it specific. There’s no point asking him to be kinder or more respectful, to do more or be less selfish. He won’t know what you mean. Work out what your bottom line is, the minimum which may make Joel a worthwhile friend or partner, such as: ‘I need you to tell me something nice about me at least once a day when you’re with me, to say thank you when I make you a cup of coffee, to pay for meals out half the time and not to insult me in public.’ Even with injunctions this specific, some fine tuning may be necessary. For example, Joel may have different standards from yours regarding what constitutes an insult. He may forget or lapse into old behaviours and need reminding. Equally, he may need pointers about what constitutes a compliment. But stick with it and be consistent; it’s the only chance your friendship or relationship has. If Joel simply refuses to change, he’s an abuser. Remind me again why you’re hanging around?
Joel the energy vampire needs equally frank feedback. Don’t just sit and seethe at his ‘yes but’-ing. Tell him that you have reached your limit with hearing about his woes, unless he’s going to do something about them. You’ll feel like a bad friend, but you’re not, otherwise Joel wouldn’t have selected you. You’re just setting a boundary. You’re being honest about your limits and giving him the privilege of being told what they are before you become angry or resentful. Better for both you and Joel in the long run. Again, if Joel just can’t or won’t change, consider your options.
