G. Howell, page 42
“But we have only just started,” I protested.
“That will be all!” she snapped and began to bustle with her equipment, intent on what she was doing. As if she didn’t want to look at me.
“What is the matter with you?” I asked.
“Not your business,” she snarled with bared teeth.
“Alright,” I said, taken aback. “Sorry I asked.” I got up to leave.
“K’hy!”
I stopped and looked at the Eastern Marshal. She blinked, then furiously scrubbed at her face with her hands as though trying to wash off something I couldn’t see. Was she cracking up?
Remae stopped her rubbing and stared at her hands. “I had hoped this would not happen yet,” she muttered angrily. “It is my Time, K’hy.”
I rocked back on my heels, “Uh-oh.”
Well, it had to happen. Spring was well and truly there, and things were hotting up … in more ways than just the weather. Spring was the time when Sathe females had their first Time of the year, and the number of females I had seen walking around the Citadel with a horny male entourage in tow was growing. In some places even I could smell the scent of heat in the air, a spicy musk that did nothing for me. I hadn’t really thought about Remae having her Time, and now it was here, I was a bit nonplussed.
“Do I make you so nervous?” she asked, wiping her sword down.
Yes, she did.
As we headed back through the corridors of the Citadel, I was aware of how closely she was walking beside me. Once, a male going in the opposite direction stopped and stared at her, his nostrils flaring as they worked overtime. Remae turned and rumpled her nose in a grin that bared teeth. He hurried on his way and Remae huddled a little closer to my side.
I’m with HIM! was the message she was broadcasting to all and sundry.
“Remae?” When she didn’t answer I nudged her. “Remae!”
“Huh?” She blinked in surprise, and moved a hasty step away. “I am sorry … I did not realise,” she paused, and I caught a whiff of something … familiar: a faint, musty scent which was quickly wafted away. We moved on down the corridor and she was silent, lost in the turmoil that oestrus brings them.
Until she suddenly grabbed my arm. “K’hy, stay with me tonight.”
Oh, shit. I’d been hoping she wouldn’t ask. “Oh, Christ on a … Remae, WHY?”
She let go of me. We stopped outside the door to her quarters and she met my gaze with her huge eyes. “I like you,” she said. “And I want to. I wanted to ask you that night in the wagon, but you seemed afraid of me.”
Was it that? Or was it curiosity, something new, something the Shirai had told her. I reached out and stroked the dark fur on the side of her neck. It was soft, but not like a human woman’s hair; slightly coarser. She twitched slightly as my fingers touched, ran down her mane and along her jaw. “Shit … Please Remae. I like you - a lot - but I cannot. I mean … You are Sathe, I am Human … Look at me: We are as different as it is possible to get. I saw how that male back there looked at you. He could respond in the right ways. And there are plenty more Sathe males: plenty of fish in the sea. Please, understand.” I leaned forward and kissed her gently on her muzzle.
She regarded me with ears drooping slightly. Maybe she was the Marshal of the Eastern Realm; maybe she did have fur and fangs, but she also had feelings. “What of you and Tahr?” she asked.
“We have been through a lot together,” I tried to explain. “She has helped me, she has been my guide, my friend, my teacher … and my lover. It just … happened. I do not really know how. Circumstances I suppose. She told you what it was like.”
Remae flinched. “How did you … ?” she blurted, then bit the question off and looked embarrassed. “So Tahr was the lucky one.”
“Hey! No! Remae, she and I are too different. I cannot give her cubs, and she is not … right for me. In a way, I love her, but it can never be love as I would love another human, or she another Sathe.
“Remae, it is nothing personal, it is just … I … I suppose it is the relationship. I mean, you might be able to have sex and maintain a casual friendship, but I do not think I can do that. I like having you as a friend, but if I stayed with you that would change. Do you understand?”
She hesitated before answering. “Yes … I think so,” Her ears flickered in a smile. “Well, as you say, there are many more fish in the sea.”
I watched the door of her apartments close and sighed. With my armour feeling like it weighed a ton I trudged back to my rooms. ******
“Do you think you did the right thing?”
“I just do not know. That was why I was asking you. Did I hurt her feelings?”
The fire crackled. Tahr was warm against my side as we sat together on the couch. She had her feet drawn up behind her and was leaning against my shoulder, wearing only her fur. There was a faint musky scent hanging around her. Familiar. “You did what you thought was best … Did you mean what you said about relationships?”
Hesitation:
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“Tahr, it is true. Someday you will find a male you are attracted to … “
“I am attracted to you.”
“You know what I mean! You will find a Sathe male who is right for you and you will settle down together.”
“Settle down?” Tahr cocked her head, puzzled.
I chuckled. “Start a home … a family. You know, the patter of tiny feet and all that.”
“Cubs.” She flinched, then stared fixedly at the fire and said, “You are right. The years are running by and I am not getting any younger. Soon, a cub.”
“Why only one? Have a few.”
Again she twitched.
“I mean one would get lonely all alone … “
She looked right at me, her face clouded over, her pupils turning to black pools and wrinkles marching up her nose. I trailed off.
“Hey, what did I say?”
She shook her head and rubbed her eyes. Her ears went back up, but still they trembled slightly. “No … I am sorry. I over-reacted.” She raked her hand through my hair and I was aware her claws were not completely pulled. “It is difficult to talk about … some things during a Time.”
I was still confused. “I am sorry, I do not know what I said.”
“Cubs. Birthing. It is not something that is to be taken lightly.” She heaved several deep breaths. “You said several cubs … Why?”
“Why, because that is … ” I swallowed. “Do not tell me: that is not normal for you, is it.”
She clenched her fists. “No! It is wonderful, it is what any female dreams of, but never normal.”
I blinked. I’d always taken it for granted they had litters, like cats would. “But your breasts … ” I blurted.
“What about them?” she inquired softly.
And for my next trick, I’ll put my other foot in my mouth. “Ah … you have six. I thought that would mean that … you would have many babies.”
Her ears started to lower again, but she pulled them up with an effort. “You are right. We have … five, sometimes six cubs.” Her claws flexed in and out of their sheaths as she spoke, like a sharp heartbeat.
I touched her shoulder, “If you do not want to talk about this … ” I said, but she cut me off.
“No … It is better I do, before you get torn to pieces by a female who does not understand you.” She took another breath. “K’hy, is it easy for a human female to become pregnant?”
“Yes. Sometimes all too … “
She kept on, as if I wasn’t talking. “It can take many Times, many matings, sometimes several years. When it happens, we have four or five cubs … But only one … rarely two, only they are normal; the others, they are … they are animals in the shape of Sathe. They cannot talk, eat, or think.” I gritted my teeth as her claws sank through my pants and into my leg. “The mother she has to … to … she has to kill them. She … ” shaking violently she broke off, then suddenly rounded on me, ears down tight against her skull, her eyes all dark pupil, and her teeth bared in an open-mouthed snarl.
I jerked away, throwing up an arm to protect my face.
And Tahr changed again, the fury evaporating and horror replacing it. “Saaaaa! K’hy! I did not … ” Her hands shook as she held them up before her, the claws retracting. “It is hard to talk … “
There was nothing I could say. I reached out and put my hand to her bowed shoulder; she flinched under my touch. Her fur was standing on end, like filaments of wire. I stroked, smoothing her ruffled pelt. Beneath that she was tense: coiled springs of her muscle to the wire of her fur, like she was ready to fight for her life.
She shifted slightly as my hands moved, the stroking turning to rubbbing. Like ice melting under my fingers she relaxed, luxuriating in the massage. There was a remote buzzing in her throat when she craned around to gently nuzzle my neck. I moved my hands down, down her back, tracing the ridge of her spine, until I was stroking the spot just above her buttocks, that spot that sent shudders through her body. She gave a moan of pleasure, her breath warm against my neck.
I slowly stood, gathering her into my arms. She rubbed against my face and neck, running her hands through my hair as I carried her into the bedroom, then her hands were clenching against my back, claws scratching lightly …
When we were finished, she curled up against my side and immediately fell asleep, twitching occasionally in her dreams. I lay back in the warm bedclothes, aware of her musky scent covering the linen and myself. With the tip of one finger I drew small sworls in her ruffled fur and stared at a patch of moonlight on the stone wall beside the door.
I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said.
They kill their children! They kill their goddamn children …
The morbid litany plagued my thoughts. Little more than animals, she had said. Their mothers had to kill them, ‘She cannot help it’.
My mind went back to that day I had played with those cubs in that stream outside of Bay town. I remembered their teddy bear-like cuteness, their friendliness, and tried not to think about what had happened to their brothers and sisters. Tahr stirred in her sleep, and I wondered if she ever thought about what her siblings may have been like.
Over the years, piece by piece, I would find out that for their females childbirth was a fever much like their Times. Uncontrollable; instincts trying to run rampant over their thoughts. They would want to be alone, and most times they would leave their homes to find solitude for the birthing: a hollow beneath a tree, a basement, a barn or hayloft … anywhere they felt alone. There the female would litter, and always, just after they were born, she would kill most of them.
I don’t know how they choose. Maybe scent, maybe maternal instinct, but somehow, they choose them. I have since read old Sathe texts where attempts have been made to save cubs - usually if the mother dies in labour. If they are taken while she is alive, she goes berserk. None of those attempts have met with any success. As Tahr had told me, most of the cubs are severely retarded, little more than animated lumps of flesh and bone.
I had no idea of that while I lay there beside my impossible lover. I touched her soft fur and a heavy lump settled inside me. This could not go on. I’d already told Remae that, I had told Tahr that, then I went right ahead and did it anyway.
“Fucking hypocrite,” I cursed myself: soto voce.
Beside me, Tahr rolled over and nestled closer into my side. ******
I stood beside the window and finished my breakfast, looking through the open door at Tahr lying sprawled out on the rumpled sheets in the bedroom. It was already the third day of her Time, and it showed no sign of ending. I sighed and remembered her last one, it had only lasted about a day, but this one …
God, I was exhausted.
There was something going on in the Citadel. Banners were flying above the gates and Sathe in polished armour paraded the walls. Some kind of holiday?
I was just about to take Tahr’s breakfast through to her, when there was a scratch at the door. “It is open, come in.” I called.
A young Sathe guard hesitantly stepped into the room. I thought I recognised him. “Sir, a message.”
The penny dropped. “I know you. H’rrasch? is it?”
He bowed his head. “Yes sir.”
“I thought I told you not to call me that,” I told him. Last time I’d seen him he seemed to be pretty much head over heels for Tahr. I fought back a grin. “Alright, you said you had a message.”
“Ah … The High Lord’s adviser requests your presence. He asks that you wear … the things you had when you first came here.” H’rrasch’s tufted ears flicked in apology. “I am afraid I do not know what that means.”
“S’okay, I do. Any idea what he wants to see me about?” I asked while opening the chest that held my camouflage fatigues. I hadn’t worn them recently, saving wear and tear by wearing Sathe clothing that had been altered to fit me. They were folded and stacked neatly, the Kevlar helmet perched on top. Would I need that too? To be on the safe side I tucked it under my arm.
When I turned around, H’rrasch was staring avidly at Tahr through the open doorway. She was still asleep, sprawled naked on the bed. He saw me watching, and quickly ducked his head.
I pursed my lips in amusement, then had a thought. Would it … ? Nah … But still, he didn’t seem a bad sort and surely she could make up her own mind …
“You like her?” I asked.
He didn’t say anything, but his left ear drooped before he caught it. “Do not worry,” I laughed, “I do not blame you.” I pulled the pants on and wrapped the web belt around my waist.
“Sir, may I ask you a question?”
“Go ahead … and stop calling me ‘sir’!”
“Why does she sleep with you?”
Such a straightforward, direct question; just what you have to expect from a Sathe. I sighed again, “I’m afraid that you would have to ask her that.”
The camouflage jacket was a little tight across the shoulders, but I shrugged into it. After pulling on my socks and boots, I inspected myself in the mirror; I could have done with another haircut.
In the bedroom, Tahr turned over and gave a small sneeze before settling back again. I saw H’rrasch glance her way, his ears drooping.
Should I do it?
“Ah, H’rrasch,” I cleared my throat. “Would you like to meet her?”
“Sir?”
“Just take her breakfast in.” I gestured at the tray. “You can also tell her where I have gone.”
His eyes widened. “I … I cannot. It is her Time … she will want too … “
“Exactly,” I grinned.
“But … but she is yours.”
“She belongs to nobody but herself,” I said. “Please. I think she needs you more than she needs me.”
He hesitated, and I could see the indecision on his face. He licked his lips, glanced at the doorway again, and asked, “Is that an order?”
“Yes,” I grinned and he flinched. “Now, where is Rehr?”
“There are warriors outside who will take you to him … and sir?” He stopped me as I was about to leave.
“What?”
“You would have time to bathe before you see him.” He taped the claws on his index fingers together nervously. “Sir, you smell like the Shirai.”
I blinked in surprise, I had forgotten about their noses … I smelled like … I laughed at that. H’rrasch’s muzzled was wrinkled in puzzlement as I closed the door, still laughing. ******
When a guard told me to go in, I pushed the door open and stepped through. The room suddenly went very quiet.
Intricately woven tapestries full of vibrant colours covered the stone walls, portraits of Sathe made from woven thread. An exquisite deep, dark-blue carpet covered the floor, wall to wall, it must have been incredibly expensive. In the centre of the room there was a table with a top that looked like it was carved from of a single chunk of obsidian, scraps of paper scattered around on it. The attention of the Sathe who sat around the table was riveted on me as I stood in the doorway, at a loss as to what was expected of me.
“Here,” Rehr ordered without looking around, and I ducked my head to the staring Sathe and went over to take position beside his chair at the head of the table. He’d never even glanced at me, watching the four others as they stared at me towering over his chair, his ears canted in vague amusement.
I stared back at them, memorising the patterns and texture of the fur that helped me tell Sathe apart. They were all fairly elderly males. All of them looking wealthy and important in their fine robes and jewellery. All of them staring back at me with various odd expressions.
“My lords,” Rehr addressed them. “This is K’hy, a h’man. I know he looks … unusual, but despite his appearance, he is probably as intelligent as any Sathe.” He waited for that to settle in. “Twice now, he has been abducted by outland warriors, once from within Mainport itself, and there has been a direct attempt on his life. Of course, these attempts failed.” He was scratching a claw back and forth on the shiny table top. “However, he has had some excellent opportunities to get good looks at these outlanders. K’hy, would you please describe the warriors you saw.”
I wasn’t sure what was going on. Was this some kind of court of inquiry?
“Yes, sir.” I saw it the instant I spoke; all around the table there were those involuntary twitches, the flaring of nostrils and irises. I saw it in all of them, with the exception of one - as if he already knew what I was. Reddish-brown fur streaked with grey, especially around the tufted fur in his ears. Not especially unique, but his gorget was made out of what looked like alligator hide.
He began to bristle under my scrutiny. The others were beginning to wonder what I was staring at. Turning away I cleared my throat and began to describe what had happened, the armour and weapons of the troops I’d had run-ins with before. I told them about the ambush on the wagon train from Traders Meet, the attack on Tahr and I on our journey from Bay Town, and the Sathe who kidnapped me from the Citadel. I also told them about the bandits I’d killed when I first met Tahr, although I couldn’t say whether or not they were more than they had seemed.
