Blue Twilight, page 2
Beads of perspiration dotted Beth’s perfect nose. “No, I’m fine.”
“Are you warm?” I asked.
“A little, yeah,” Beth said.
“Maybe you’re dehydrated,” Drew said. Cole’s identical twin brother stuffed his hands into the back pockets of his 501s and squinted at Beth from under his fringe of dark blond hair. “Coach Richards says that can make you feel sick to your stomach.”
Not many could tell the twins apart. They were constantly being mistaken for the other. But not by me. Yes, they were unnervingly similar. However, I could tell them apart just like that. I’d been able to from the first day they stumbled into Logan Bend Elementary School in second grade. It wasn’t their appearances that differed but their insides. They shared athleticism, but Cole was gentler and quieter than his outgoing, fun-spirited brother. Cole liked to work with wood and assisted his mother in her garden. Drew preferred social activities. In the hallway or lunchroom at school, he was almost always at the center of the sound of laughter. I adored all three of the Paisley brothers. But it was Cole I loved. Until last summer, when I suddenly realized I was in love with him, I’d thought he was just my favorite person. Now, though, I knew. He was the only one I wanted. Probably forever and ever.
“I might be dehydrated,” Beth said, faintly. “Luke, will you get me some water when you order for us?”
“You got it, doll.” Luke’s eyes were the same color as his brothers’, but his hair was a lighter shade of yellow and he wasn’t as thickly built. He was light on his feet and whip-smart. One day he would be a doctor. I felt certain of it.
“What happened to your glasses?” Cole asked.
“Glasses?” I asked, not understanding the question.
“I mean, why aren’t you wearing them? Can you see?” Cole asked as he peered at me. Fringed with dark lashes, his eyes had the power to make my stomach do cartwheels.
I could see all right, and Cole happened to be my favorite sight.
“Did you lose them?” Drew asked. “I lost my retainer, and my mom had a total cow.”
“No one wants to hear about your disgusting retainer,” Cole said.
Drew grinned and tapped his teeth with his fingers. “But look at these beauties. I have to keep them perfect for the ladies.” They were indeed straight and gorgeous, just as Cole’s and Luke’s were. Their mother worked at the orthodontist’s office in town. They’d been able to have braces for no cost. My mom told me that Mr. Paisley had been out of work for as long as she could remember. The burden of the household finances was on Mrs. Paisley.
Cole rolled his eyes. “What ladies are you talking about?”
“Oh, they want the Drewster. Trust me.”
I giggled. Drewster. Where did he come up with this stuff?
“Only when they think you are me,” Cole said.
“Completely false. Everyone knows I’m the fun one.” Drew winked at me. “Right, Carlie?”
“Um, I don’t know.” I looked away, not wanting to answer any questions about the differences.
Drew was right about the ladies’ adoration. Every girl in town wanted one if not all three of the Paisley boys. Boys envied them. Girls wanted them.
“Beth, you’re not looking so hot,” Luke said. “Should I take you home?”
“No, I’m all right,” Beth said, sounding weak. “But if I feel worse, will you guys take Carlie home? I don’t want to ruin the night for all of us.”
“Totally,” Luke said.
“Will Dad be mad?” I asked Beth. Our father hadn’t wanted us to ride with the Paisleys in Luke’s run-down car, afraid we’d have engine trouble and get stuck on the side of the road.
“If I do go home because I don’t feel well, he can’t be mad,” Beth said. “He’ll know you wanted to stay.”
Luke pointed to a picnic table where a family was getting up to toss their empty cartons. “You guys, grab the table. I’ll order and bring it to you.”
“Cool,” Drew said. “Don’t forget drinks. I’m dying of thirst.”
“Got it,” Luke said.
Beth handed Luke a five-dollar bill. “For Carlie’s dinner.”
“What’s going on? Are you really sick?” I whispered to Beth as we headed toward the empty table.
“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s probably the heat and being on my feet all day.” Beth was working at our local gift store and had just finished a shift before we headed out earlier. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a second.”
“All right.” I studied her for a second. She looked pale. Not wanting to act like Mom, I had to stop myself from feeling her forehead. She pressed my hand with her own. Clammy and cold despite the warm evening.
I watched her as she walked across the aisle toward one of the fairground’s restrooms. She wore shorts and a tank top that showed off her curves and longs legs, but she seemed to be walking weird, as though her body hurt. What was going on with her?
“Seriously, Carlie, what happened to your glasses?” Cole asked. “I’ve never seen you without them unless we’re down at the river. And then you say you can’t see a thing. Remember when you fell in that one time?”
“Yeah, I remember.” I flushed, embarrassed at the memory of the time I’d tripped over an exposed tree root and fallen into the water with my clothes on.
“I got contacts.” My parents had finally relented after I’d begged them for two straight years. Mom was worried about eye infections. She was always worried about stuff that never happened. Bacteria were one of her major concerns. The kitchen counters, the toilet bowl, three-day-old chicken—all had potential to kill us or, at the very least, make us sick.
“You look different without them,” Cole said.
“Yeah,” Drew said. “You’re kind of a babe now.”
“I am?” I squeaked out, then blushed again.
“You’ve always been a babe,” Cole said. “With or without glasses.”
“Thanks, Cole, but I hated my glasses.” I don’t know if either of the boys had noticed, but I’d finally gotten breasts. They were small, but at least I wasn’t as scrawny as I’d been just six months ago. I knew it would take a lot more than an A-size cup to turn Cole’s head. A girl could dream, though.
I was a world-class dreamer. If dreaming were a profession, I’d be rich at only age sixteen. All my fantasies starred Cole Paisley as the hero and myself as the heroine. I’d emerge from my ugly duckling shell beautiful like my sister and mother. Mom blamed my daydreaming on all of the romance novels Beth and I read, but Dad said that someday I’d be a great writer. He claimed the best writers started as daydreamers.
Were my daydreams coming true? The soft way Cole was looking made me feel all fuzzy and warm inside.
“I liked your glasses,” Cole said. “But you’re Carlie either way.”
For a second, I buzzed with pleasure. Until it occurred to me that if I was simply Carlie to him, with or without my transformation, he would never see me as anything but Beth’s little sister.
“Hot damn, I see Rhonda over there,” Drew said. “I can’t get enough of all that red hair. I’m going over to say hello.”
“After we eat, you want to go on the Ferris wheel with me?” Cole asked.
“For sure.”
One side of his mouth lifted in a half smile. “Do you like Drew? I mean, like—like him.”
“Wh…what?”
“You’re always laughing when he’s around.” He glanced over at Drew, who was currently making an entire table of girls giggle.
“He’s funny. But I don’t like him that way.”
“Luke told me that Beth said you might like me.” The tips of his ears turned pink. “Is that true?”
I was going to throttle Beth. How could she have betrayed me? “I guess so.”
He grinned. “Really?” Cole swatted away a bee that landed on the table. “Because I like you too. I thought you only thought of me as a friend.”
It was like the sky opened and the angels started singing just for me. “You like me back?”
“I’ve always liked you. Since forever,” he said.
My heart beat so hard and fast I felt sure it would leap out of my chest and plop onto the table. Was this one of my fantasies or was it really happening?
“But you could have any girl,” I said. “They all like you.”
“Nah, that’s Drew and Luke. I’m too quiet. For most, anyway.”
“Not for me.” I gave him a shy smile.
“How come you never said anything?”
“About you?”
“Yeah. Luke told me after Beth told him and swore him to secrecy. How was I supposed to know if you didn’t tell me?”
“I could never have told you because I didn’t think there was a chance you’d like me. I didn’t want to be humiliated.”
“Well, I do like you. Actually, I love you.”
I blinked, then stared at him.
“So much that it makes me feel a little sick,” he said. “I want to go on the Ferris wheel with you and I want to kiss you when we’re up there.”
Kiss me? The angels sang again.
Luke arrived with a tray filled with food, saving me from having to answer. My stomach had a thousand hummingbirds flying around in there. I’d never be able to eat anything.
Beth returned from the bathroom. Her lips were bare of her pink gloss. Why hadn’t she reapplied? She always put it on after she went to the restroom.
“Carlie, can I talk to you for a minute?” Beth asked me.
“Sure.” I got up from the table, stealing a quick glance at Cole, who smiled back at me.
I followed Beth to just outside the covered area. Her fair skin seemed a little green. She must really be sick.
“I’m going home,” Beth said. “I just threw up in the bathroom. Will you tell Luke for me? I don’t want him to smell my breath.”
“Yeah, if that’s what you want.”
“He’ll understand. He always understands everything. That’s the thing, Carlie, he’s so good.”
The thing? What did that mean? “Do you not like him anymore?”
“What’s not to like?” Beth asked. “He’s perfect.”
“So are you.”
“I’m not. Not anymore.” She pulled me into a hug and held me so tightly I could barely breathe. “I love you. No matter what, don’t forget that.”
I separated from her, then studied her expression. Something was off for sure. “What’s going on? You’re acting weird.”
“Nothing. I’m fine.” She wrinkled her nose. “Have you ever noticed how many smells there are at the fair? Foul smells?”
“I think it smells good,” I said. “Like summer.”
“Have fun, okay?”
“Cole told me he likes me,” I said, unable to contain my excitement.
“I knew it. Luke thought he did.”
“He said he wants to kiss me. What if I do it wrong?”
“You won’t. You’ll know it’s right if your whole body feels like a magical unicorn sprinkled fairy dust on you.”
“Is that how it feels with Luke?”
Her gaze flickered upward, then back to me. “Let’s just say I’ve felt that feeling or I wouldn’t be able to tell you what it is.”
“Drive home safe.”
“I will. I’ll see you in the morning. I don’t have to work so we can go swimming if you want.”
I nodded, then watched as she walked away until she disappeared in a sea of people. As I turned back to join the boys, the sun slipped behind Logan Mountain.
When it was our turn at the Ferris wheel, Cole stepped aside to let me go in first, then slid next to me. The attendant pulled the bar into place, and the carriage swayed back and forth. We sat close enough I could feel the heat from his skin.
Cole and I were quiet as they loaded the entire wheel before we were able to get any speed going. Then, around and around we went with REO Speedwagon’s “Keep on Loving You” blaring through the speakers. On the third time around, we lurched to a stop. We were at the very top. The valley spread out before us. Streaks of pink colored the sky in the last light of day. We swayed on top of the world.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” Cole asked. “Luke told me you have to ask, otherwise you’re a predator.”
My stomach flopped over. Just stay in your body, I told myself. “It’s nice to be asked.” A gust of wind ruffled our hair and brought the scent of popcorn.
He smiled as he brushed his hair out of his eyes. “Are you scared?”
“I kind of am.”
He took my hand. “We could start by just holding hands. If you aren’t ready.”
“I might be ready.” I’d only imagined it a thousand times. “But if I’m bad at it, you can’t tell anyone.”
“I would never say anything bad about you. There’s not anything wrong with you as far as I can see.”
A warmth started in my stomach and spread to all parts of my body. “I never thought you noticed me at all.”
“You’re all I notice. Since second grade.”
Could this be happening?
“Drew and I used to have fistfights about which of us got to marry you.”
I laughed. “Who won?”
“Me. Obviously. Or he would be here with you.” Cole looked down to where the attendant was bent over the machine that operated the Ferris wheel. “Do you ever dream about what’s after this? Like when we grow up?”
“Sometimes.”
“What do you dream of?” Cole asked.
“I want to write books.”
“What else?”
“Be married to someone I love and have enough money to order takeout whenever we want.”
He laughed. “That sounds pretty good.”
“What about you?”
“I want to live on a piece of my own property and build a house and have a small farm with horses and chickens. And a dog.” He looked up at the sky. “I want to marry you and have a little girl who looks just like you. I’d like to be a good dad. Like your dad.”
Touched, I had to swallow the lump in my throat before speaking. “I’d like that too.”
“You won’t forget me, will you?” Cole asked. “When we go away to college?”
“I could never forget you. After college, we’ll just come back here and find our property and you can look after the animals while I write my book.”
From below came the sound of the technician cursing.
“Are we ever getting off this thing?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t mind.” He paused. “I’ve never kissed anyone either. I might not do it right.”
“I thought you’d probably kissed a million girls by now. Like Julie Smith.”
He made an impatient sound in the back of his throat. “She went around telling everyone that, and it wasn’t true. I don’t know why people do that.”
“Tell lies?”
“Yeah. Like what did she get out of it?”
I thought for second. How did someone like Cole Paisley understand what it was like to want something you didn’t ever think you could have so you invented your own truth? “She wanted it to be true. Maybe she thought it would get your attention.”
“It did, but not in a good way.” He turned his head to look at me. “Mostly, I hoped you didn’t think it was true.”
“Oh, well, I wasn’t sure.” I’d burned with envy when I’d heard the rumor about Cole and Julie. The gossip had started after a party down at the river. Kids like me weren’t invited to parties like that. Not that my father would have let me go anyway. “I can’t go to those kinds of parties.”
“I know. Don’t feel like you’re missing anything. It’s usually a bunch of idiots drinking too much and acting even more idiotic than usual.”
“Why do you go to them?”
“I don’t know. Something to do, I guess.” He wrapped the hand that wasn’t holding mine around the metal bar. “Gets us out of the house when my dad’s having one of his nights.”
“Nights?”
“You know. Whiskey and fists.”
My stomach clenched. “Cole, is it bad?” My mother had been right. I’d overheard her tell my father she thought Mr. Paisley was abusive.
He nodded. “Luke gets the worst of it. Any time my dad’s going after one of us or our mom, Luke always steps in. He won’t ever back down. Gets right in Dad’s face. Takes the blows for the rest of us.”
“I can’t picture him that way.” Luke was such a gentle guy. Even on the football field, he seemed more like a dancer than a quarterback. My chest ached thinking of any of them being on the other side of Mr. Paisley’s rage.
“Yeah, well, it’s true.” He turned back to me. “Do you ever wonder how some people are so good and some are so bad?”
“I always think most people are good, but sometimes I’ve been wrong.”
“Do you ever worry about which one you are?”
“No. I know I’m good. Even though sometimes I have mean thoughts about other people. Mostly because I’m jealous of what they have.”
“Who are you jealous of?”
“Sometimes I’m jealous of my sister. Even though I love her to pieces.”
“What’re you jealous about?”
“She’s so pretty and popular. I could never be a cheerleader,” I said.
“Who cares about that? And she’s not prettier than you. No one is. Not in this town or maybe the whole world.”
“Right.” I poked his chest. “You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not. I swear.” He looked into my eyes. “Wearing glasses didn’t make you any less pretty, if that’s what you think.”
“Tell that to everyone who’s called me ‘four-eyes.’”
“I’ve beaten up a few of those jerks. Made sure they’d never call you names again.”
“What? You have? Not really?”
“Heck yeah,” he said in a soft growl. “I’ll keep doing it, too.”
“I was jealous of Julie Smith.” I said this lightly, as if I hadn’t cried into my pillow until I fell asleep.
He chuckled. “You didn’t need to be.”
“Jealousy is so ugly. I hate myself for it sometimes.”
He let go of my hand to twirl a bit of my hair around his finger. “It’s only you, Carlie. I’ve loved you forever. I always will.”
