Tiffany Aching Complete Collection, page 82
Amber was whisked down the hole and Tiffany waited impatiently close to the right spot in the bramble forest until the thorns magically “moved aside.”
Jeannie, the kelda, almost as round as a football, was waiting for her, a baby under each arm.
“I am very pleased to see you, Tiffany,” she said, and for some reason that sounded odd and out of place. “I have told the boys tae go and let off steam outside,” the kelda went on. “This is women’s work, and not a pretty errand at that, I’m sure ye will agree. They have laid her down by the fire, and I have started to put the soothings on her. I do think she will bide fine, but it was a good job that ye have done this night. Your famous Mistress Weatherwax her own self could not have done a better job.”
“She taught me to take away pain,” said Tiffany.
“Ye dinna say?” said the kelda, giving Tiffany a strange look. “I hope ye never have occasion to regret the day she did ye that . . . kindness.”
At this point several Feegles appeared down the tunnel that led into the main mound. They looked uneasily from their kelda to their hag, and a very reluctant spokesfeegle said, “Not to be barging in or anything, ladies, but we was cooking up a wee late-night snack, and Rob said tae ask if the big wee hag would like a wee tasty?”
Tiffany sniffed. There was a definite scent in the air, and it was the kind of scent you get when you have sheep meat in close conjunction with, for example, a roasting pan. All right, she thought, we know they do it, but they might have the good manners not to do it in front of me!
The spokesfeegle must have realized this because, while wringing the edge of his kilt madly with both hands, as a Feegle generally did when he was telling an enormous lie, he added, “Weel, I think I did hear that maybe a piece of sheep kind of accidentally fell intae the pan when it was cooking and we tried to drag it oot but—well, ye ken what sheep is like—it panicked and fought back.” At this point the speaker’s obvious relief at being able to cobble some kind of excuse together led him to attempt greater heights of fiction, and he went on: “It is my thinking that it must have been suicidal owing to having nothing to do all day but eat grass.”
He looked hopefully at Tiffany to see if this had worked, just as the kelda cut in sharply and said, “Wee Honeymouth Jock, just you go in there and say that the big wee hag would like a mutton sandwich, okay?” She looked up at Tiffany and said, “No arguing, girl. Ye look tae me to be all but swaying for want of a decent hot meal. I ken well that witches looks after everybody but theirselves. Run ye along, boys.”
Tiffany could still feel a tension in the air. The kelda’s solemn little gaze stayed fixed on her, and then Jeannie said, “Can you remember yesterday?”
It sounded like a silly question, but Jeannie was never silly. It was worth thinking about, although Tiffany yearned for some suicidal sheep and a decent night’s sleep.
“Yesterday—well, I suppose it’s the day before yesterday now—I was called over to Buckle-Without,” she said thoughtfully. “The blacksmith there had not been careful with his forge, and it had broken open and shot hot coals all down his leg. I treated him and took away the pain, which I put in his anvil. For the doing of this, I was paid twenty-four pounds of potatoes, three cured deerskins, half a bucket of nails, one old but serviceable sheet good enough to make bandages, and one small jar of hedgehog fat, which his wife swore was a capital remedy for inflammation of the pipes. I also had a good helping of stew with the family. Then, since I was in the vicinity, I went on to Buckle-With-Many, where I saw to Mr. Gower’s little problem. I mentioned to him about the hedgehog fat, and he said it was a wonderful cure for the unmentionables and traded me one whole ham for the jar. Mrs. Gower made me tea and allowed me to pick a bushel basket of love-in-a-pickle, which grows more freely in her garden than I have ever seen it grow anywhere else.” Tiffany paused a moment. “Oh, yes, and then I stopped off at Wits End to change a poultice, and then I went and saw to the Baron, and then, of course, the rest of the day was my own, hah! But on the whole it was not a bad day, as days go, as people were too busy thinking about the fair.”
“And as days go, the day has gone,” said the kelda, “and no doubt it was a busy and useful one. But all day I had premonitions about ye, Tiffany Aching.” Jeannie held up a small nut-brown hand as Tiffany began to protest and went on, “Tiffany, ye must know that I watch over you. Ye are the hag o’ the hills, after all, and I have the power to watch ye in my heid, to keep an eye on ye, because somebody must. I know ye know this because ye are clever, and I know that ye pretend to me that ye do not know, just as I pretend not to know that I know, and I am sure that ye know that too, yes?”
“I might have to work all that out with a pencil and paper,” Tiffany said, trying to laugh it off.
“It is nae funny! I can see ye clouded in my heid. Danger around ye. And the worst of it is, I canna see from whence it comes. And that is not right!”
Just as Tiffany opened her mouth, half a dozen Feegles came scurrying down the tunnel from the mound, carrying a plate between them. Tiffany couldn’t help noticing, because witches always noticed things if they possibly can, that the blue decoration around the edge of the plate looked very much like that on her mother’s second-best dinner service. The rest of the plate was obscured by a large piece of mutton, along with baked potatoes. It smelled wonderful, and her stomach took over her brain. A witch took her meals where she could, and was happy to get them.
The meat had been cut in half, although the half for the kelda was slightly smaller than the half for Tiffany. Strictly speaking, you cannot have a half that is smaller than the other half, because it wouldn’t be a half, but human beings know what it means. And keldas always had a huge appetite for their size, because they had babies to make.
This wasn’t time to talk anyway. A Feegle offered Tiffany a knife, which was, in fact, a Feegle claymore, and then held up a rather grubby tin can with a spoon stuck in it.
“Relish?” he suggested shyly.
This was a bit posh for a Feegle meal, although Jeannie was civilizing them somewhat, insofar as you could civilize a Feegle. At least they were getting the right idea. Nevertheless, Tiffany knew enough to be wary.
“What’s in it?” she asked, understanding that this was a dangerous question.
“Oh, wonderful stuff,” said the Feegle, rattling the spoon in the can. “There’s crabapple, there is, and mustardseed and horseradish and snails and wild herbs and garlic and a sprinkling of Johnny-come-lately—” But he had gabbled one word a bit too quickly for Tiffany’s taste.
“Snails?” she interrupted.
“Oh, aye, yes, very nourishing, full of vit’mins and min’rals, ye ken, and those wee pro-teenies, and the nice thing is, with enough garlic, they taste of garlic.”
“What do they taste of if you don’t use garlic?” said Tiffany.
“Snails,” said the kelda, taking pity on the waiter, “and I have to say they are good eating, my girl. The boys let them out at night to graze on wild cabbage and dog lettuce. They are quite tasty, and I think ye might approve of the fact that there is no stealing involved.”
Well, that was a good thing, Tiffany had to admit. Feegles did steal, joyously and repeatedly, as much for sport as anything else. On the other hand, to the right people, in the right place, at the right time, they could be very generous, and this was fortunately happening right now.
“Even so, Feegles farming?” she said aloud.
“Oh, no,” said the spokesfeegle, while his fellows behind him pantomimed insulted distaste by making yuck noises and sticking their fingers down their throats. “It is nae farming, it is livestock herding, as is suitable for them who is free o’ spirit and likes to feel the wind up their kilt. Mind ye, the stampedes can be a wee bit embarrassing.”
“Have some, please do,” the kelda pleaded. “It will encourage them.”
In fact, the new Feegle cuisine was quite tasty. Perhaps it’s true what they say, thought Tiffany, that anything goes with garlic. Except custard.
“Don’t mind my boys,” said Jeannie when they had both eaten their fill. “The times are changing, and I think they know it. For ye too. How do ye feel?”
“Oh, you know. The usual,” said Tiffany. “Tired, flustered, and upset. That sort of thing.”
“Ye work too hard, my girl. I fear ye do not have enough to eat, and I can certainly see ye don’t get enough sleep. When did ye last sleep the night in a proper bed, I wonder? Ye ken that ye must have sleep; ye canna think properly without some time to rest. I fear ye will soon need all the strength ye can muster. Would ye like me to put the soothings on ye?”
Tiffany yawned again. “Thank you for offering, Jeannie,” she said, “but I don’t think I need them, if it’s all the same to you.” There was a pile of greasy fleeces in the corner that had probably not long before belonged to sheep who had decided to say good-bye to the cruel world and commit suicide. They looked very inviting. “I had better go and see to the girl.” Tiffany’s legs did not seem to want her to move. “Still, I expect she is as safe as houses in a Feegle mound.”
“Oh, no,” said Jeannie softly as Tiffany’s eyes shut. “Much, much safer than houses.”
When Tiffany was actually snoring, Jeannie walked slowly into the mound itself. Amber was curled up near the fire, but Rob Anybody had stationed some of the older and wiser Feegles around her. This was because the evening fighting was going on. The Nac Mac Feegle fought as often as they breathed, and generally at the same time. It was by way of being a way of life, in a way. Besides, when you were only a few inches tall, you had the whole world to fight and so you might as well learn early.
Jeannie sat down by her husband and watched the brawling for a while. Young Feegles were bouncing off the walls, their uncles, and one another. Then she said, “Rob, do ye think we are bringing our boys up properly?”
Rob Anybody, who was sensitive to Jeannie’s mood, glanced across at the sleeping girl.
“Oh, aye, no doubt about it— Hey, did ye no’ see that? Slightly-more-wee-than-Wee-Jock-Jock kicked Daft Wullie in the pog! Wonderful dirty fightin’, and he’s still only three inches high!”
“He is going to make a grand warrior one day, Rob, that’s true enough,” said Jeannie, “but . . .”
“I always tell them,” Rob Anybody went on excitedly as the young Feegle flew over their heads, “that the way to success is always to attack only people who are much bigger than ye are! Important rule!”
Jeannie sighed as another young Feegle smacked into the wall, shook his head, and rushed back into the fight. It was almost impossible to hurt a Feegle. Any human who tried to stamp on a Feegle would find that the little man he thought was under his boot was now in fact climbing up his trouser leg, and after that the day could only get worse. Besides, if you saw one Feegle, there were probably many more around that you hadn’t spotted, and they had certainly spotted you.
Perhaps the bigjobs have bigger problems because they’re bigger than us, the kelda thought. She sighed inwardly. She would never let her husband know this, but sometimes she did wonder whether a young Feegle might profitably be taught something like, well, accountancy. Something that didna mean ye had to bounce off the walls, and didna mean ye had to fight all the time. But then, would he still be a Feegle?
“I’m feared for the big wee hag, Rob,” she said. “Something is wrong.”
“She wanted to be a hag, lassie,” said Rob. “Now she has to dree her weird, same as us. She is a bonny fighter, ye ken. She kissed the Lord of the Winter to his death and banged the Queen o’ the Fairies with a frying pan. And I mind the time that invisible beastie got into her heid, and she wrestled it and sent it away. She fights.”
“Oh, I ken that well enough,” said the kelda. “She kissed the face o’ winter and made springtime come again. It was a great thing that she did, sure enough, but she had the mantle of the summer about her. It was that power she dealt to him, not just her own. She did it well, mind—I can think of none who would have done it better—but she must beware.”
“What enemy can she have that we canna face with her?” Rob asked.
“I canna tell,” said the kelda, “but in my heid, it seems like this. When she kissed the winter, it shook me to my roots; it seemed like it shook the world and I canna but wonder that there might be those who stirred in their slumber. You mak’ certain, Rob Anybody, to keep more than one eye on her.”
CHAPTER FOUR
The Real Shilling
Tiffany woke hungry and to the sound of laughter. Amber was awake and, against all probability, happy.
Tiffany found out why when she managed to squeeze most of herself into the tunnel that led to the mound. The girl was still lying curled up on one side, but a group of young Feegles was entertaining her with somersaults and handsprings and occasionally tripping one another up in humorous ways.
The laughter was younger than Amber was; it sounded like the chuckle a baby makes when it sees shiny things in pretty colors. Tiffany did not know how the soothings worked, but they were better than anything a witch could do; they seemed to settle people down and make them better from inside their head outward. They made you well and, best of all, they made you forget. Sometimes, it seemed to Tiffany, the kelda talked about them as if they were alive—living thoughts, perhaps, or kindly creatures that somehow took away the bad things.
“She’s doing well,” said the kelda, appearing out of nowhere. “She will bide fine. There will be nightmares as the darkness comes out. The soothings can’t do everything. She’s coming back into herself now, right from the start, and that’s the best thing.”
It was still dark, but dawn edged the horizon. Tiffany had a dirty job to do before daylight.
“Can I leave her here with you for a little while?” she asked. “There’s a small task that needs doing.”
I shouldn’t have gone to sleep, she thought as she climbed out of the pit. I should have gone right back! I shouldn’t have left the poor little thing there!
She tugged the broomstick out of the thornbushes around the mound, and stopped dead. Someone was watching her; she could feel it on the back of her neck. She turned sharply and saw an old woman all in black, quite tall, but leaning on a walking stick. Even as Tiffany looked, the woman vanished, slowly, as if evaporating into the scenery.
“Mistress Weatherwax?” Tiffany said to the empty air, but that was silly. Granny Weatherwax would not be seen dead with a walking stick, and certainly wouldn’t be seen alive with one. And there was movement in the corner of her eye. When she spun round again, there was a hare, right up on her* hind legs, watching her with interest and no sign of fear.
It was what they did, of course. The Feegles didn’t hunt them, and the average sheepdog would run out of legs before a hare ran out of breath. The hare had no stuffy burrow to be trapped in; speed was where a hare lived, shooting across the landscape like a dream of the wind—she could afford to sit and watch the slow world go by.
This one burst into flames. She blazed for a moment and then, entirely unharmed, sped away in a blur.
All right, thought Tiffany as the broomstick came free, let’s approach this from the point of view of common sense. The turf isn’t scorched and hares are not known for bursting into flames, so— She stopped as a tiny trapdoor flicked open in her memory.
The hare runs into the fire.
Had she seen that written down anywhere? Had she heard it as part of a song? A nursery rhyme? What had the hare got to do with anything? But she was a witch, after all, and there was a job to do. Mysterious omens could wait. Witches knew that mysterious omens were around all the time. The world was always very nearly drowning in mysterious omens. You just had to pick the one that was convenient.
Bats and owls steered effortlessly out of Tiffany’s way as she sped over the sleeping village. The Petty house was on the very edge. It had a garden. Every house in the village had a garden. Most of them had a garden full of vegetables or, if the wife had the upper hand, half vegetables and half flowers. The Petty house was fronted by a quarter of an acre of stinging nettles.
That had always annoyed Tiffany right down to her country boots. How hard would it have been to grub up the weeds and put in a decent crop of potatoes? All they needed was muck, and there was plenty of that in a farming village; the trick was to stop it from getting into the house. Mr. Petty could have made an effort.
He had been back to the barn, or at least somebody had. The baby was now on top of the heap of straw. Tiffany had come prepared with some old, but still serviceable, linen, which was at least better than sacking and straw. But somebody had disturbed the little body, and put flowers around it, except that the flowers were, in fact, stinging nettles. They had also lit a candle in one of the tin-plate candlesticks that every house in the village owned. A candlestick. A light. On a pile of loose straw. In a barn full of tinder-dry hay and more straw. Tiffany stared in horror and then heard the grunt overhead.
A man was hanging from the barn’s rafters.
They creaked. A little dust and some shreds of hay floated down. Tiffany caught them quickly and picked up the candle before the next fall of wisps set the whole barn alight. She was about to blow it out when it struck her that this would leave her in the dark with the gently spinning figure that might or might not be a corpse. She put the candle down ever so carefully by the door and scrabbled around to find something sharp. But this was Petty’s barn, and everything was blunt, even the saw.
It had to be him up there! Who else could it be? “Mr. Petty?” she said, clambering into the dusty rafters.
There was something like a wheeze. Was this good?
