Before Dawn, page 12
Cliff, being Cliff, was determined to go it alone. They shouldn’t have been surprised. They had checked him in last night and arrived this morning to find the operation already in progress. He wanted them here, but he had lied about when it was scheduled.
In twenty-four hours the bandages would come off and they would know the results. “When he’s better, I’m going to pulverize him,” Dave muttered darkly.
Annie laughed softly. “It’ll work out.”
“A high success rate for a transplant,” Dave said, repeating the doctor’s words. “Miracle of modern science. Do it every day.”
Annie nodded then retreated to her own thoughts about miracles. Like love itself. She reminded herself that “I love you” was no magic phrase. On the other hand, if Cliff had only said it the last time they made love, she would have been holding on to it with all her heart right now.
Smelling hospital coffee, Annie opened her eyes. “Thanks.” She took another styrofoam cup from Dave. He needed to be up and walking around. This was the fourth cup he brought her. She would have preferred herbal tea. “I was just going to ask you to get me another,” she lied.
“Bullfeathers. You didn’t even know I was gone.”
She shook her head sheepishly and smiled. “True.”
The elevator door squeaked open. Annie was beginning to hate that squeak. Dave was on the verge of finding an oil can and fixing it himself. They recognized the doctor and knew it was Cliff’s stretcher. They were instantly beside it.
“Cliff?”
His face swathed in bandages, he turned his head on the flat pillow. “Annie?” He sounded groggy and his hand was limp as it rose.
“I’m here,” she said, grasping his hand until she felt a returning squeeze.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” he muttered. “I sent you away for the morning.”
“Wild horses wouldn’t keep us away and you know it.”
“Yeah. Whose bright idea was it to lie about the operation, huh?”
“Dave,” Annie shushed.
“Dave,” Cliff muttered, lifting his other hand before he faded out and it dropped back to the sheets.
A nurse stepped between them and jockeyed the gurney into his room. “He’ll need some time to recoup, then he’ll have a splitting headache. A couple of hours ought to do it. In twenty-four hours we’ll remove the bandages.”
“You’re sure?” Dave insisted.
“Promise,” she said.
“Annie?”
“I’m here, Cliff.”
He said nothing for a moment, a faint smile on his lips, her hand clutched in his. He lifted it to his lips and kissed it. “I knew it was you in the corridor. I heard your bracelets.”
She laughed. “Are they that loud?”
“When your head is pounding, they are.”
“I’m sorry.” She made a move to remove them, but that required his letting go of her hand, which he wasn’t about to do.
“Love you,” he mumbled.
Her heart stopped. “What?”
“Excuse me.” The nurse bustled in between them. “He’s quite groggy. Perhaps you could come back tonight.”
Annie realized Cliff was already asleep, his hand limp in hers. Reluctantly, she released it. The nurse was right. She couldn’t pin her heart on words spoken so soon after surgery. No matter how badly she wanted to.
NINE
After two years in college, Ann Arbor was home to Dave, so when an uncomfortable and grumpy Cliff kicked them out of his hospital room the next morning, Dave showed Annie the sights.
She saw the University of Michigan, the library, the student union, the bookstores and the stadium. It was stop-and-go all the way with September’s returning students crossing everywhere but at the lights and furniture-stacked Priuses double-parked outside student apartments.
“That’s mine, top floor right,” Dave said, pointing as they drove by yet another brick house.
“Oh,” Annie said, secretly wishing they’d taken a vigorous walk instead. Obviously Dave needed to drive the way Cliff needed to run. Annie missed her miles of Lake Michigan beach.
More by habit than thought, Dave pulled up in front of Bell’s Pizza. “Want some?”
“Don’t think I’ve ever had a more gracious invitation,” Annie said wryly.
Dave skimmed over the sarcasm, reciting the doctor’s optimistic prognosis once more. “He should be able to see immediately after the bandages come off. Hell, he could drive back home.”
“Please,” Annie said, laughing. “I had to ride in that boat with him.”
“Okay, maybe not drive, but within a week or two, with glasses. Miracles of modern science, eh?”
“Yeah. Just keep repeating that.”
They ordered. And waited.
Annie played with a paper napkin, wishing she had some good firm clay to keep her hands busy. “When he’s better, he’ll be going back to work, won’t he?” There it was, the big question. She looked across at Dave.
He shrugged and leaned back in his seat, his legs halfway out in the aisle. “Doc said it could be soon. What’s his name again?”
“Dr. Tanarawanda or something like that. I can’t pronounce it.”
“Whew. Glad I’m not the only one.”
“So,” she said, wondering if he’d changed the subject on purpose, “about Cliff’s job. He is planning on going back to the Upper Peninsula, isn’t he?”
Her concern finally dawned on Dave. “He hasn’t talked it over with you?”
“He’s been waiting for the operation.” She gazed at the formica table top.
Dave muttered a curse. “Pardon my French, but sensitivity doesn’t exactly run in our family. Maybe that comes from being a family of men. I don’t know. We don’t always say what we mean.”
Annie left off playing with a plastic fork and clenched her hands in her lap. “Cliff’s had enough experience with women. You’d think he’d have learned long ago how to say what they wanted to hear.”
Dave winced. “Oh, the ladies. Well, you know Cliff.”
“Do I?”
“Sure, he used to play the playboy but he’s subtler now.” Dave grimaced at how that came out. “He’s nowhere near as wild as I remember.”
“That could be because of the accident,” she pointed out.
“I think it’s because of you.” He hoped he wasn’t letting everything out of the bag. He had seen the effect Annie had on his brother. Blindness or no, Cliff was climbing the walls, pacing the floor and practically chewing nails over this woman. If anybody ought to tell her Cliff loved her, it should be Cliff. Hell, it should be obvious to both of them.
“That’s okay,” Annie said. She sighed and tossed him a forgiving look. Lifting a slice of pizza from the box, she cut the stringy cheese with her fingers. “I should be talking this over with Cliff, not you.”
Dave pulled his legs in quickly as a co-ed with a carryout order walked by. He was so rangy, Annie noticed, more so than Cliff, who was more self-contained. In a lot of ways.
“You know,” Dave said, downing half a Coke, “I don’t know how much this means, but when Mom was sick, Cliff shielded me from just about everything. I was only five then, but I think I would have liked to know more of what was going on. He doesn’t see it that way. He takes everything on himself, doesn’t share his troubles. That’s his way of protecting the people he cares about.”
“Thanks for including me in that.” Annie touched his arm.
Dave munched a crust then dropped it into the box with a clunk. “Yeah, but what happens when he shuts out the people he’s trying to protect?”
Annie realized she wasn’t the only one hurt by Cliff’s determination to go it alone. “It’ll be okay. You’ll have your brother back good as new.”
* * *
When they returned to the hospital, Cliff was sitting up in bed. Dr. T, as Dave had taken to calling him, was on the far side of the bed. A nurse wadded up discarded bandages.
The bandages were off.
The sunglasses on.
“Leave those on to prevent any accidental touching or bumping of the eyes,” the doctor said. His soothing voice with its lilting East Indian accent carried across the room.
Cliff’s head turned. Standing frozen in the doorway, Annie wished that sausage pizza had been milder. Her stomach did cartwheels. The bandages were off.
She silenced the bracelets that swayed and clattered on her left wrist. A hundred questions rushed through her mind. Had he heard them come in? Had he seen them? Was he looking at her right now? It couldn’t be bad news, could it? She wanted to rush to his bedside and hold him. She couldn’t move.
He muttered a blunt, “Excuse me,” turned his back on the medical team and swung his legs over the edge of the mattress. Pacing the length of the bed, he turned and came toward her. This time, unlike any way she’d ever seen him walk, he hesitated.
He didn’t have to ask if it was her. Something about the way she held her hands in front of her, those bracelets; the color of her sweater alone stung his sensitive eyes.
She was blurry but getting clearer. He had to get closer to see the look in her eyes.
His chest was bare, Annie thought irrelevantly. Having refused to wear “that asinine hospital gown,” he wore blue boxer shorts instead, the same ones she helped toss in countless loads of laundry these past few weeks. His legs were powerful-looking as always, darkened with gold and brown hairs. Really, he wasn’t wearing anything less than he wore on the beach. But coming toward her, in the harsh hospital light, he looked half-naked and vulnerable.
She concentrated on all those things. Anything to take her mind off the petrifying fact that he was looking right at her.
He stopped in front of her, so close she had to look up. That’s when her eyes bean to fill with tears. She blinked them back; she had to know. “Can you—“ She choked on the tightness in her throat.
Up close, she was still blurry. He wanted to blink, but he was afraid she’d disappear. She was shorter than he’d pictured, maybe because she stood beside Dave. Her hair was medium brown, her sweater a riot of purples and pinks and blues. He heard the bracelets tinkle as she wiped something from her cheek. He touched her shoulders, the fuzzy rough weave of the hand-loomed sweater familiar to his fingers. “You’ve worn this before.”
She nodded.
Funny that he had to touch her, hear her, to confirm what his eyes could see.
“Can you see me?” she whispered, knowing it was true. All he had to do was say the words.
He touched her hair instead. That’s how it all began, wasn’t it, him touching her hair? There were combs holding it off her face on both sides. He saw the glint of copper, felt its coolness. Her hair was frizzy, wild and curly, more erotic than he’d imagined. His fingers got caught in it. He wanted to joke about it, but even through the gauziness that remained he saw the trace of uncertainty in her eyes.
How often had that been there without his knowing? How often had he hurt her unintentionally while wrapped up in his own problems? “How often have you looked at me like that and I’ve been too blind to see it?”
“Cliff.”
He found her mouth, or she found his. With their arms wrapped around each other, it wasn’t hard. He crushed her to him, wishing he could take back every irritable moment, every moment they’d wasted not laughing and touching and holding each other just like this. “Annie, honey…”
Dave pumped the doctor’s hand, subjecting him to the same kind of hugs and backslaps he would have traded with Cliff had his brother not had something better to do with his arms.
Annie pounded Cliff’s back with fists of her own. “Why didn’t you tell us the bandages were coming off so soon? The nurse promised us—“
“I strong-armed the doctor into taking them off early. I didn’t want to drag you through the suspense.”
She took his face firmly in her hands. “Damn it, when are you going to realize you can share the bad things, too? That’s what we’re here for.”
“Shh. It doesn’t matter now.” He took her face in his hands instead. “You’re fuzzy. You know that?”
She laughed and sniffled.
“Some lenses, perhaps,” the doctor interrupted, eager to escape Dave’s exuberant embrace, “after the sight has stabilized. The initial blurriness should fade within the week.”
“This is fine, Doc,” Cliff murmured, looking down in to Annie’s face. “In fact, it’s about the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
Annie made herself smile, not sure she could believe him precisely because she wanted to so badly.
“I probably look terrible,” Cliff said, reaching for his sunglasses. “Do you mind if I take these off?”
She swallowed and shook her head. She wouldn’t have minded being shanghaied to China right now, as long as he was with her.
He reached past her to flick the light switch, the cloudy day outside providing the only light in the room. Keeping his back to the window, Cliff slowly took off his sunglasses.
“His eyes will be red for a few days,” the doctor said.
Annie saw that for herself. The part that should have been white was indeed red and painful-looking. She grimaced and Cliff hurriedly began to put his glasses back on.
“No,” she said, touching his arm, “they look like they hurt, that’s all.”
It was his turn to shake his head. “Not much.”
She knew he wouldn’t admit it if they did, but at the moment it didn’t matter. The eyes that stared so seriously into hers were brown with gold and hazel highlights. Dark purple bruised the skin around them. She traced them with shaking fingertips.
“From the operation,” Cliff said. “I probably look like I just went ten rounds with Hector Camacho.”
“You look like you have one hell of a hangover,” Dave chortled.
Cliff looked at his younger brother, at Annie, and back again. “I shouldn’t have dragged you two through all this.”
“Yeah, right, sure,” Dave replied. “Like we’re going to hand you a bus ticket and say, ‘Call when the operation’s over.’”
Cliff laughed and surreptitiously wiped what looked like a tear off his cheek as he put his glasses on. “One of the symptoms, right, Doc?”
“Yes, Mr. Sullivan. That is right. You may have tearing.”
“Bull!” Dave concluded succinctly.
“Come here.” Cliff grabbed him and held on tight. “Have you been taking care of this lady?”
“Like you said.”
“Better than you took care of me, I hope.”
“She’s not as grumpy.”
“She’s better looking, too.”
“About time you wised up.”
“Don’t get smart. I can reach you now.” Cliff playfully swatted Dave’s shoulder. Dave made a fist to hit back.
“Ah,” the doctor warned, “do not hit a recovering patient.”
Dave grabbed a tissue off the nightstand and blew his nose loudly. “Hey, why don’t we go somewhere and really party?”
“And make a fool of myself in public like I did at that barbershop?” Cliff retorted. “No thanks. No more public performances for me. This has been nightmare enough.”
Nightmare, Annie thought dully. As if all her teaching had brought him nothing but humiliation. She shook off the feeling as Cliff threw an arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick squeeze.
“This thing is almost over. I’ll be me again.”
She understood what he meant, really she did. He meant the blindness and all its frustrations would be over. Not them. The pep talk, for what it was worth, failed to lift her plummeting spirits. She’d spent so much time with him, given him pieces of herself, pieces he seemed suddenly eager to discard.
“Please, you may all come to my office when you’re ready. I have some instructions I would like to give.”
“Sure, Doc,” Cliff said. Then, as he put on his hospital gown, saying, “the last time I wear one of these monstrosities,” he spelled out what a miserable couple of months it had been. Annie stood loyally by, the smile on her face feeling more false and brittle as the minutes ticked on.
“Now where’s the doc’s office?” Cliff finally asked.
“Down here,” Dave replied.
“You two go,” Annie said. “I’m going to stop off in the ladies’ room for a minute.” She sidestepped Cliff’s embrace and took a quick left turn.
He felt that all too familiar frustration ramming home again. Damn it, why didn’t seeing help? Something was wrong with Annie and he didn’t know what it was. At least this time he could catch up to her before the door closed. “Anything wrong?”
“I cried so hard I ruined my makeup, that’s all.” She wouldn’t ruin this day for him for all the tea in China. She just had to get away, anywhere, alone.
As the washroom door closed behind her, she closed her eyes and sighed. She was being petty and insecure. Stupid. Infantile. “And to top it off, I’m wallowing in name calling.” This was probably Cliff’s happiest moment. Why did she feel kicked in the stomach? Just because he couldn’t wait to forget everything they’d been through together?
Splashes of cold water did wonders for her face but nothing for her stomach. Get ready to let him go, the puffy-eyed woman in the mirror said. No crying, no clinging. She had tried both with Ken and hadn’t even escaped with her dignity. Not this time. She loved Cliff with everything she had; she always would. She wouldn’t cheapen it by clinging when he wanted to leave. He was going back to his old life. He made it very clear that was all he’d ever wanted.
Annie fixed her lipstick, wasted minutes trying to apply eyeliner to wet eyelids, then went looking for the doctor’s office.
Except for the unpronounceable name on the door, Annie knew she would never remember anything about Dr. T’s office—just Dave perched on the radiator and Cliff sitting in a leather chair, reaching out for her hand as the doctor issued his instructions.
