Mail-Order Groom (Thirtyish and Single), page 1
Table of Contents
Mail-Order Groom (Thirtyish and Single)
Mail-Order Groom: | A Romantic Comedy
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Epilogue
My French billionaire husband is tall, dark, and handsome. Life would be absolutely blissful...if only I could remember marrying him!
31-year-old Charlee-Mae wakes up in a hospital with a ring on her finger...but her V-card intact. What in the world is going on?
Philippe DeRose agreed to be a mail-order groom under two conditions: a faithful husband he was not, and his mother was not to know that theirs was a temporary business arrangement.
Everything was supposed to be smooth sailing...until Philippe's new wife loses her memory and now imagines herself in love with him.
Note: This is a steamy billionaire romantic comedy set in small-town Wyoming. NO CLIFFHANGERS and NO ANGST. Just pure lighthearted fun to enjoy during a quick break from the daily stress of life!
Mail-Order Groom:
A Romantic Comedy
by Marian Tee
Copyright 2022 by Streak Digital Publishing
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Prologue
Charlee-Mae Chastity "Cha-Cha" Carmichaels was no saint. She believed in the Lord Jesus, yes, but as a woman of substance from the Lone Star state, she also believed in the healing powers of cussing, cholesterol-rich food, and running a yellow light at max speed.
A woman of patience, she also never claimed to be, and this trait was most evident when Charlee-Mae had even managed to make her dear Mama prematurely deliver her on one cold February day.
Other babies might be fine with the usual thirty-six weeks, but for Charlee-Mae, seven months in Chi-Chi's womb were more than long enough, thank you very much. Waiting was the greatest invention of the Devil, and it was why, now that Charlee-Mae was about to turn thirty-two, she had finally come to a decision.
"Good morning, Charlotte!"
The CEO of Heart's Match returned her greeting with noticeable wariness, but Charlee-Mae simply took this in stride. Charlotte wouldn't be Charlotte if she wasn't overthinking one thing or the other.
Charlotte's wariness grew as she watched the curvaceous blonde advance into her office with her trademark mini-dress, thigh-high boots, and the usual mix of sass and grace. Ignorance was often bliss, and right now, she would have truly preferred she had no reason to dread what was to come.
But because she had known the other woman for years, Charlotte also knew that the expression on Charlee-Mae's heart-shaped face usually meant something crazy was about to happen.
"I'm back," her visitor declared gaily, "and oooh—-" The other woman halted in her tracks to take a quick appreciative look of her surroundings. "You redecorated your office."
"I did, yes." Charlotte's office used to be all dark wood and manly, since the room was originally her husband's study. Now, however, the walls had been painted a matte shade of white, and the heavy antique furniture replaced with sleeker and more contemporary ones like a simple standing desk from IKEA, a custom-designed gaming chair, and lots and lots of flowers.
"I love it!"
"I love it, too," Charlotte said, "and as much as I wish to think that my renovated office is the reason for your visit—-"
"It's not," Charlee-Mae said brightly.
"I thought so."
"Aaaaand...just like I told you the last time we spoke, I wouldn't change my mind, and I haven't, so..." Charlee-Mae threw her arms out. "Ta-da! I'm here, and I'm so ready to sign a contract!"
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
"Then I'll pretend you did," Charlee-Mae retaliated. "Because I mean it, Char. I've made up my mind—-"
Charlotte bit back a sigh. "I think what you mean to say is that you've lost your mind."
But this only made the other woman laugh as she took a seat across Charlotte's desk. "You can say whatever you want, but it won't make a difference. I've made my choice, and I know in my heart God has my back with this."
Grrr. Charlotte absolutely hated it when Charlee-Mae included God in the equation, mostly because she knew for a fact that Charlee-Mae did pray a lot, and since God was supposed to work in mysterious ways—-
"God wants a strong, independent woman like me to set an example—-"
Charlotte was bewildered. "By signing-up for a mail-order marriage?"
"So unbecoming of you to grumble, Char."
"I was not—-"
"And I know you think I'm not taking this seriously, but I am. Signing-up for a mail-order marriage shows that I'm willing to do what it takes to find my match—-"
"But marriage isn't just any match," Charlotte protested. "It's a lifelong commitment, and you really, truly need to think this through—-"
Charlee-Mae felt slightly offended. "And I did!"
"Really?" This was Charlee-Mae, after all. "Exactly how long did you think this through?"
Charlee-Mae tried to estimate the number of minutes she spent cooped up inside her pickup because of rush-hour traffic. "About ninety minutes?"
"Cha-Cha!"
"But it could be a hundred," Charlee-Mae quickly corrected herself, "if I also count the stopover at—-"
"It can be two hundred or two thousand," Charlotte interrupted in exasperation, "and it still won't be enough. Marriage isn't something you think about for just minutes. Or even hours. This isn't like you're just choosing who will be your date to next year's Yuletide Ball—-"
"You're using your judgmental tone again," Charlee-Mae accused the other woman with a hurt look. "Can't you just be flattered by how much I trust in your matchmaking abilities?"
"Not. At. All!" Charlotte tried her best to sound like a nasty bitch, but all this earned from Charlee-Mae was a pout.
"But I really believe this is what I'm destined for—-"
"Oh, please." Charlotte was unimpressed by the way Charlee-Mae was suddenly clutching her chest like she had just been stabbed in the heart. "Stop being a drama queen."
"I'm not! I really mean it when I said God—-"
Charlotte rolled her eyes. "Marrying a mail-order groom is not some higher calling—-"
"It is! To me!" When Charlotte only looked at her, Charlee-Mae didn't hesitate to resort to shameless begging. "Please, Char!" She also wasn't above using puppy eyes if she believed it would help her get her way. "Please, please, please—-"
Charlotte had to fight against the urge to cover her eyes. Ugh. Why was Cha-Cha so good at tugging at people's heartstrings?
"Just help me with this, please? Every match you've worked on is a success," Charlee-Mae proclaimed passionately, "and that includes each and every member of San Antonio's Finest Eligibles. If you can get those guys down the aisle, why can't you do the same for me?"
Charlee-Mae could see that she was starting to get to Charlotte, but since the older woman had a tendency to think of herself as Charlee-Mae's second mother, maybe a change of tactics was called for?
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy—-"
Charlotte's features contorted into a frightening scowl.
Oops!
Obviously the wrong tactic, but that was fine. She could always try something different, like—-
"You know how hard I've been searching for Mr. Right."
When in doubt, a dramatically-expressed truth would always work best.
"We all have our own goals," Charlee-Mae continued in her most heartfelt tone, "and mine has always been to walk down the aisle and marry a man I love and who loves me in return."
Charlotte knew when she was being manipulated, but the thing was...she also knew that not a single word from Charlee-Mae was a lie. Even as a little girl, Charlee-Mae would spend hours planning tea parties to celebrate Barbie and Ken's wedding, and on her way home from school, she would also stop by the chapel to drop another handwritten letter in the prayer request box. And of course, that request had to do with finding her Prince Charming in the future.
"I've been dating for years and years," Charlee-Mae went on to declare, "but all I've managed to do is kiss one frog after another. It's a miracle I haven't turned into one myself."
Charlotte could sense that she was fighting a losing battle, but...
"What about those dating apps—-"
Charlee-Mae rolled her eyes. "Duh. Do you really think I haven't given those a try? I've tried every dating app there is, and all it gave me was a thumb injury for all the swipe-lefts I've done." Charlee-Mae couldn't help looking at Charlotte reproachfully when the other woman still appeared unconvinced. "The only reason you're hesitating is because you're overthinking things again. But since you've been doing this for ages," she pointed out cajolingly, "is there really something to worry about? You and Heart's Match are my last resort. I just want a grand romance—-" Shit.
In Charlee-Mae's eagerness to make her point, she had almost slipped up and mentioned her brother, and guilt filled her upon seeing Charlotte suddenly pale. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to remind you—-"
Charlotte raised a hand, and Charlee-Mae fell silent.
"There's no need to apologize since you said exactly what I needed to hear."
Her eyes widened. "I...did?"
Charlotte let out a sigh. "In other words - yes, I'll help—-" She wasn't able to finish speaking, with her sister-in-law already jumping up and down with glee.
Charlee-Mae hurried around the desk to give Charlotte a hug. "I knew you'd see it my way eventually!"
Charlotte felt just a little bit depressed upon hearing this. "I'm already starting to regret it, to be honest."
"O ye of little faith!" Charlee-Mae's tone was teasing and chiding at the same time. "Don't you know Family 101? Thou shalt always have trust in thy sister-in-law—-"
"Thou certainly shalt not," Charlotte retorted, "when thy sister-in-law's name is Charlee-Mae Chastity Carmichaels."
"You should really stop overthinking," Charlee-Mae chastised. "It's going to give you wrinkles one day."
"If I do get wrinkles," Charlotte muttered, "it's all because—-"
"You keep thinking like I'm about to be your agency's biggest headache—-" Charlee-Mae gave her sister-in-law an innocent look. "—-when I'm not, naturally. So just relax. It's all going to be fine and smooth sailing from here."
Charlotte's gaze momentarily flicked upwards. I'm sure you've heard what your sister just said, Landon. She thinks it's going to be fine and smooth sailing, she reported forlornly to her husband in heaven, when it never is. Crazy things always happen where your baby sister is concerned—-
Charlee-Mae's gaze narrowed suspiciously at her sister-in-law. "Hey! I know that look. Are you tattling on me to my dead brother?"
Charlotte lifted her chin. "Don't be absurd, and anyway—-" She made a shooing gesture in the direction of the door. "It's time for you to go. I need peace and quiet if you want me to quickly find you a match."
"Then consider me gone." Charlee-Mae blew the other woman a goodbye kiss...which Charlotte took the time to catch just so she could make a show of crumpling it in her fist before throwing the invisible kiss into her wastebasket.
"Oh my goodness! Bless you, my darling sister-in-law," Charlee-Mae cooed. "You are such a bitch! I love it!"
Charlotte waited until the door closed behind Charlee-Mae before allowing herself a grudging little smile. Although her sister-in-law was the love-her-or-hate-her type, the other woman also had the most ridiculously optimistic outlook of life that Charlotte could only admire. Nothing ever fazed Charlee-Mae, and it reminded her of how an internationally renowned fashion designer had once described her sister-in-law upon watching Charlee-Mae sashay down the catwalk.
'Big hair, bigger boobs, and the biggest personality.'
That was Charlee-Mae in a nutshell, and in a way, that also perfectly summed up Charlotte's goal.
Most men in this world would likely be tempted to crush Charlee-Mae's spirit, and Charlotte's job, therefore, was to find the opposite. The ideal man for her sister-in-law was one who would appreciate the craziness that was Charlee-Mae, and while this might seem next to impossible...
How about a bet, Landon? Promise me you'll visit my dreams if I manage to find your sister her Mr. Right?
Charlotte knew it was the silliest of thoughts, but she didn't care. Years had already passed since Landon's death, but not a day had gone by that she didn't miss him. Since Charlee-Mae lived her life doing one crazy thing after the other, surely it wouldn't hurt if Charlotte indulged herself with a moment of insanity as well?
Dear God, I'm sure You heard what I said. I'll do everything in my power to find my sister-in-law her Mr. Right, and in return, is it okay if I can have mine back, even just for one night?
Charlotte's secret deal with heaven gave her all the inspiration and motivation she needed, and what was supposed to have taken three weeks was accomplished in three days.
However...
Chapter One
"I can't believe you've already found me a match," Charlee-Mae exclaimed giddily upon plopping herself in her usual seat across her sister-in-law's desk.
"Actually...I've found you two potential matches."
"Bless you!" Charlee-Mae was genuinely impressed. "I've been playing the dating game for almost eighteen years, and I haven't even come close to finding a .5 match."
In the act of retrieving two folders from her drawer, Charlotte paused with a frown upon hearing Charlee-Mae's words. "There's no such thing as a .5 match—-"
"Of course there is," Charlee-Mae argued. "Basically, it's a woman who ticks all the boxes, which would've been perfect if I were bisexual. But since I'm not, that makes it a .5 match."
Charlotte had a slight headache by the time the other woman finished talking. Since Charlee-Mae wasn't bisexual in the first place, then that would have given the match zero percent of success instead of fifty. Didn't it?
"You get it, right?"
"No, I don't."
But Charlee-Mae only laughed this off, and Charlotte decided to set the issue aside. This wasn't the first time she did "not" get what her sister-in-law was saying, and anyway...
She pushed the folders towards Charlee-Mae over her desk in a sliding motion. "All the information you need to know about both men is inside these folders. No pictures of their faces, per agency rules, but..." Charlotte couldn't help grimacing at this. "Just as you requested, I've asked both men for the most recent photos of their abs—-"
Charlotte saw her sister-in-law fighting back a smile and knew all at once she had been had.
"Cha-Cha!"
The other woman burst into laughter, and Charlotte was torn between wanting to throttle Charlee-Mae for playing such a trick on her...and kicking herself in the head for actually falling for it.
Charlee-Mae was laughing so hard she could barely catch her breath as she sought to defend herself. "I'm sorry! I didn't know you'd take it seriously!"
"How can I not," Charlotte growled, "when the request is just so...so...you?"
"Well, what's done is done, and don't worry, Char—-" Charlee-Mae flipped both folders open so she could compare the two photos side by side. "I'll make sure your efforts aren’t in vain and—-ooooooh."
While the photo from the blue folder was of a guy in swimming trunks at the beach, the one that made her heart skip a beat was the photo from the red folder: the man in it was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, his white dress shirt unbuttoned to reveal his washboard abs. The awkward angle of the photo spoke volumes of how much Mr. Red Folder (dis)liked selfies while its blurred edges told Charlee-Mae he had emailed Charlotte the first photo he had taken.
No vanity at all, Charlee-Mae thought in awe, and in today's image-conscious world, that was as rare as finding wasabi-flavored KitKat in a 7-Eleven store in Texas.
Charlee-Mae pointed to Mr. Red Folder. "I choose him."
The speed in which Charlee-Mae made up her mind had Charlotte's head spinning. "Don't treat this like it's no different from choosing your starter Pokémon."
"And I'm not," Charlee-Mae protested. "I'd have taken much longer to decide if I were choosing my starter Pokémon—-"
"Oh my God, Cha-Cha!"
Charlee-Mae was genuinely bewildered. "I'm just being honest. Pokémon is a game of numbers. Finding my one true love is all about feelings. And my heart chooses—-"
Charlotte, however, was already shaking her head before Charlee-Mae had even finished speaking. "Consider this at least." She pointed to the blue folder. "It's my personal opinion that this guy is a much safer bet—-"
"Really?" Charlee-Mae dubiously cast a second glance on the guy in swimming trunks.
"Don't judge a man by his photo shoot."
"Oh. He's a model?"
"Doctor."
"And he did that?"
"Because he lost a bet...and he actually doesn't know you've asked for a photo of his abs. I grabbed this from the Internet."
"What about Mr. Red Folder?" Charlee-Mae held her breath. "How - where - did you get it?"
"Now that, I had to personally ask for..." Charlotte scowled as she was reminded of how mortifying it felt to ask the other party for a photo of his abs. It had made her feel like a brothel owner asking a sex worker for proof of goods—-
