No Control (The Fighter Series Book 7), page 9
“No. They’re just easier to draw.”
I run my finger over one picture, tracing the lines. “This is Jolie. You drew her?”
A small tic plays on his lips. “She’s an interesting person,” he admits.
“And these?” I point to the two in color.
There’s a slight reverence when he glances to them. “That’s my girlfriend from high school. Our first kiss caught me off guard, the other…” He takes a breath. “I was crazy about her and we were damn near inseparable.”
My stomach twists into a knot. Is he still crazy about her? Does she hold his affection like Ben holds mine hostage? “What happened?” I don’t look to him.
“Her dad hated the thought of us together so much that he paid for her dream college across the fucking continent.”
I frown. “That’s sad. Why would he hate you?”
He lifts a shoulder. “Never told me, not like I gave a damn what he thought of me. He did everything to avoid talking to me. I figured it was because we were young, madly in love, and planning a future together.” He pauses, lost in a memory. “That and I took her virginity.” He chuckles softly.
This sounds all too familiar…
“She just up and left you?”
“We dated for a few months after, but the distance was too hard. We were young and couldn’t afford the flights.” He inhales. “I might have loved her with everything I had in me, but I wasn’t going to get in her way to live. So, I let her go. I hadn’t heard from her in a few years until she called me last year to tell me she was getting married.”
My face pinches. “Why would she do that? Seems kind of mean.”
A devilish smirk quirks his lips. “When we split, I made her promise that I got to talk to whoever stole her heart after me.”
“And you did?” I ask.
“I did. Told him if he ever hurt her, I’d kill him.”
I peer back to the picture of her in his arms. “Do you miss her?”
Do I want to know this answer?
“The girl I knew and fell in love with? Yes. The woman she grew into? I don’t know her.”
Dark wings above the desk capture me. It’s a smaller version of what’s spread across his back. Feathers—short and full, delicate and contoured, straight and smooth, fluffy and ruffled—fill the page and make an intricate set of angel wings with the top tips stretching to the edge of the paper.
“This is your tattoo,” I observe.
“I worked my ass off on it for months to draw and perfect it.”
“I think it’s fitting for you.” I smile at him. “You may not have known it when you drew it, but you became an angel when you saved my life.” The words catch in my throat and I look away before I can see his reaction, petrified he’s already seen mine.
That’s when I see it. The green. I push the paper off the top of it and pick it up. I suck in a breath staring at a sketch of me. The sky behind me is dark with white stars, some burning brighter than others. My hair is a mess, falling forward. My eyes are wide but tender, and they’re the only things in color.
“That was my vision when I was shot. That’s you that night, what I saw, and exactly what I see in my dream.”
For some stupid reason, my eyes well up with tears and I drop the picture back to his desk. “You walked away from someone you loved to allow her to be happy. You stood in front of a gun and risked your life for a stranger. You’re so much more than what you show. You’re—”
“I’m just me,” he interrupts, sounding melancholy, and then pushes off the wall and exits the room.
Emotions flood me—confusion, fear, adoration, fondness.
He loved yet let go. Not out of spite or wrong doing, but for love. For her happiness.
I need to leave. I’m starting to feel things for him that I know I shouldn’t. I knew…I knew the moment I gave in, the whispers in my heart desperate to love him would turn into something more loud and powerful. He makes me feel things, real things. Wanted and appreciated. He seems so perfect, but there are sides of him I don’t know. I’m broken and not worth loving, not like he deserves.
I change into my clothes and rush into the bathroom to run my fingers through my hair. I feel his presence behind me.
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes. I have some things I need to do.”
Connecting our gazes in the mirror is a mistake. The wounds in his eyes before he narrows them cause my heart to slap against my chest. “You’re lying. Why are you leaving?”
I shake my head. “I’m not. Really. I just have some things I need to do.”
He glances to my hand. “You draw circles when you’re nervous.”
I spent six years with Ben and he never once paid that any attention. The thought fractures my heart. “You pay too much attention to me,” I try feigning humor, but it comes out raw.
“My job consists of paying attention.” He twists me slowly. “Talk to me, Kinley. What’s going on?”
Nervously, I take a shaky breath. “Have you loved anyone since her?”
He blinks. “Since Hannah? No.”
Yet, years later, she’s still on his wall, he’s still holding on with some parts of him. She still owns part of him. He hasn’t let it go. Like Ben not letting me go.
“No matter how hard I try fighting my feelings, things mean something to me. Connecting with you physically…my emotions will kick in and I’m not ready. Apparently, neither are you. You’re so much different than what I know and I’m not ready for the letdown.”
“How would you know it’s a letdown if you don’t stick around?”
I don’t have the right answer for him, so I don’t reply.
“All this bullshit stems from Ben. All your fears, worries, and every other bullshit emotion you’re running from—he’s instilled that fear in you. Do you still love him?”
“No,” I blurt. “I don’t. But he’s all I’ve ever known.”
Vexation glows in his eyes. “He controlled you. He controlled everything about you and is still trying to. He’s ripped you apart and put you together in his favor. That’s abuse, Kinley, and I wish you’d fucking see it. Let me show you different. Let me show you what it’s like to be with a real man who doesn’t need that control. I’ll cherish the ground under your feet and not expect a damn thing back.”
No one could ever love you…
You’d be more attractive if you weren’t such a dumb bitch…
You’re a worthless fuck. I’ll show you how it’s done.
I’ll be the only man who could ever love you. The only man who could put up with your stupid ass.
You’re acting crazy. I love you so much.
I miss you.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I will my tears to stay at bay. “He’ll find a way to mess it up. If I allow myself to feel anything for you, it’s going to break my heart.”
“If I’m doing everything right, there’s nothing he can fuck up. Don’t stop living your life because of him. This is your destiny, your life. You control it. Not him.”
Anger grips my stomach and twists. “Do you even want to love?”
He glances around, pondering. “Hell, Kinley. I don’t know. I’m not…” He trails off.
“Sounds like we have a whole lot more in common than you thought.”
I leave him standing in the bathroom as I rush to grab my purse and then leave.
He’ll never understand that Ben broke me in more ways than one. I want to love, I really do, but any time I allow my walls to come down, Ben destroys me. He’ll annihilate the guy’s trust in me by acting like there’s something there, like we’re together, and convince him we’re a thing. He’s so damn persuasive, they believe him and each time it’s happened, it’s left me more broken, vulnerable and alone, and then his words that follow cut deeper than the rest.
I’m not going through that pain again.
It’ll kill me.
Chapter 16
Last night, I tossed and turned. I felt empty, like a part of me was ripped away and I’m the one who caused it. I’m stupid to deny that there isn’t anything between us. Our chemistry is off the charts and we get along well. He’s so patient with me, and the sex is phenomenal.
But last night while lying in the dark room, I realized I was trying to fight a losing battle. I know it.
Pros: He’s patient, sweet, sexy as hell, saved my life, concerned about me, I sleep great beside him, sex is great, he stirs me emotionally, he makes me want more without trying, he makes me want to try, he makes me…happy.
Cons: I’m scared. He’s intimidating, his job is dangerous and intense, and he travels a lot for it, he lives thirty minutes away. He’s more experienced with sex and I’m sure he’ll lose interest in me. I’m a mess, sometimes overemotional, and a lot of the times weak.
All the cons fall under one big umbrella—Kinley is insecure.
I wasn’t always like this. Somewhere down the road I lost my confidence. Yes, I’ve always been a bit shy, but never this meek.
“Cinn.”
My entire body freezes. Familiarity and dismay snap my head up. Ben is standing on the other side of the showcase with his arrogant “I’m God’s gift to women” smile. His dark brown hair is disheveled, his eyes impassive like he doesn’t really care if he’s here or not, and he’s sporting a five o’clock shadow at noon. My heart skids into my chest.
“Ben?” I squeak…dammit. “What are you doing here?”
The impassiveness in his brown eyes morph into malignant satisfaction and it causes the golden ring around his pupil to shine brighter. “I wanted to do lunch.”
I’m not alone and this makes me brave. “I don’t,” I scowl.
He leans his palms onto the glass top and grins like a jerk. “I do. I drove three hours to see you and to make sure that you’re really okay. The least you can do is have lunch with me. My treat.”
“Ben,” I start but he interrupts.
“Please, Kinley.” His tone is velvety. “Let me take you to lunch. I really want to talk to you,” he pleads nicely.
A lunch is better than dinner. A lunch is timed. If I don’t agree, what if he stops in after work? “If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”
There’s a flash of annoyance before a carefree smile. “We’ll see.”
“Fine. Let me ask if I can go now.”
Triumphantly, he leans back on his heels, tucking his hands into the pockets of his slacks.
Instead of riding anywhere with him, I suggest the deli at the corner of the block. That way if I need an escape, I can leave and am not stuck begging him for a ride and giving him that control. He didn’t like it and I held my breath, hoping to stay a step ahead of his games today. Finally, he agreed.
We walk down the sidewalk, the same steps I took the night Carter saved my life. As we pass by the spot where he laid in the road shot and I held his hands, memories flood me. I shudder, blinking away quickly, and dropping my view to my shoes.
“You alright?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I lie, shaking off the vile feeling.
“Cinn, you—”
“I really hate you calling me that,” I clip, defensively.
Dismissing me, he leans closer to my ear. “Not when I moan it.”
This time, there wasn’t a quiver in my knees. This time I felt nothing, no fear, no emotions.
“I still hate it,” I peer up to his six-foot frame.
Surprise splatters his expression for a fleeting moment before he steels it. “You’ll love it again soon. You always do.”
We don’t say a single word until after being seated and our orders taken. He’s watched me, studying my every move, and it’s making me uncomfortable.
“You look good,” he says, raking his eyes over my face. “I’m not sure what I expected. When Josh told me about you being robbed, my heart sank. That had to be terrifying.”
“It was,” I say flatly.
He reaches over the table and clutches my hand. His features soften on his slender face. “I’ve lost a lot of sleep worrying over you. Damn, Cinn. You could have died and I wouldn’t ever get to see your beautiful face again. That thought haunts me.”
I’m stunned into silence, leery of his antics. Ben is good at being a pompous asshole, not kindhearted and caring.
He brushes his thumb over my knuckles. “We may not be in a good spot now, but I want you to know you can always reach out to me. I’m so thankful you’re okay.”
Ben. Sweet. Ben and sweet. Ben is being sweet.
I swirl the thought in my mind and it’s like a tasty drink with way too much alcohol. You know in the end it’s going to bite you in the ass.
“Thankfully Carter was there,” I finally speak.
His eyes darken slightly. “Carter?”
“Yeah. The guy who stopped the robbery and got shot.”
Crinkles appear at the corner of his eyes. “You talk to him?” His tone drops.
“Of course. He’s a really great—” I stop, realizing I’m grinning from ear to ear. I fake a cough and calm my excitement. “Yeah. I’ve kept up with him to make sure he’s okay. He got shot because of me. It’s the least I could do. He’s doing well and almost back to normal.” I try sounding indifferent, like I don’t give a damn, but I do.
He takes his hand off mine like I’m toxic and sits back into the bench when the waitress sets our sandwiches down and refills our drinks. Ben takes a bite, chews, and swallows before talking again.
“I’m just happy you’re alive. You’ve never been smart in dangerous situations.”
His phone goes off and I watch as he reads the message, responds, and then places it beside him in the booth. He takes another bite and receives another message. His eyebrows slant and his lips tighten as his thumbs move quickly. I know that look all too well.
“Does she know where you are? Or did you lie to her?” I ask, accusing him.
Cocky, he smirks. “I don’t lie. Ever. She knows I’m having lunch with a friend.”
“Ah. So, she doesn’t know it’s me?” I retort.
His pointed stare is filled with the wrath I know his temper holds, but today I feel valiant.
“I know if my boyfriend went to see his ex-girlfriend, the same one he strings along, and then lied about it, I would be pissed,” I bite.
“Cinn—”
“Stop calling me that,” I snap, grinding out each word through gritted teeth.
I’m bestowed a bitter smile. “Kinley, she doesn’t need to know everything. She and I aren’t serious. She knows you hold my heart and that after you figure your shit out, we’ll be back together. We’re figuring things out.”
“She knows this? Because I didn’t.” I throw my napkin on the table.
Maybe I’m sleep deprived or about to start my period. Maybe it could be because I met a man who loved his girlfriend so much he set her free so she could be happy. Either way, I’m done and I’m angry. “I need you to quit with all your antics. I need you to leave me alone and let me move on. This isn’t fair. All the shit you continually pull. It’s. Not. Fair,” I grit with conviction. “Every time I try to date, you ruin it. You can have someone but I can’t? How ridiculously selfish is that?”
He sighs. “You’ve always been so damn overemotional. You and I both know we’ll be back together and when that day comes, I don’t need you tainted by another man.”
“Will we? Do you honestly think we will? Because this is a newsflash to me. I moved away to get away from you. I don’t want to be with you.”
Derisively, he chuckles and then licks his lips. “Really, Cinn. You think so? You haven’t done much to keep me away. Always finding little ways to keep me close. I know where you live, where you work. Just admit it. You want us back together.”
My teeth are clenched so tightly, they’re grinding. “I was alone and scared when I first moved here. You took advantage of it.”
“You’re weak, Cinn.” He smirks like the devil he is. “This tough façade you’re putting on—I like how you try but it doesn’t look good on you. Strength has never been your strong suit. Not too many men like weak women, but for you, I’ll make an exception because you own my heart. Tonight, I’ll show you. I’ll fuck you in your bed and kiss you when I leave.”
Vehemently, I shake my head. “No.”
He crosses his arms, regarding me superciliously. “After everything I’ve done for you, you’re going to play hard to get?” He rolls his eyes. “We both know that shit won’t work. It’s never worked. You’re a disgrace, but tonight you can apologize by getting on your knees.”
“Wow,” I grouse. “And to think I used to love you. A sick, demented, disturbed man like you. I’m done with this nonsense.”
The asshole laughs. “Yeah. Sure. I’ll make sure you love me again by midnight.”
“Fuck you, Ben.”
His tongue darts out and sweeps across his lips. “I can’t wait until you do. Although you’ve never been good at it, your pussy is still great. I love when you try resisting us. I’ll admit, it makes the sex better when we’re both trying to prove a point, especially in the moment when you realize I’m it for you. We fuck and make love in one night.”
My lip curls up, my nose twisting in disgust. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I miss you.” The arrogance in his voice is stripped away and is replaced with sincere affection, a soft tenderness. “I miss you so much. Everything about you. Even when you get feisty because I know at the end of the day, you want to be wrapped in my arms.”
This! This is what he does. Rude. Not rude. Patronizing. Complimenting. Disgusting. Then sweet. It’s never ending with his ups and downs. I hate him and in the same sentence he makes me fall for him.
But one thing is for sure… “I’m done.”
I’m on my feet when he snatches my wrist, stopping me beside him. “You know I’ve never been good at expressing myself. The right words never come out. Baby, I love you. I want us together. I want that white picket fence we used to talk about.”
For a split second I swoon at the words I used to wish to hear—our future, our home, our children, our pets. Then Carter’s face flashes behind my eyes and happiness cradles my heart. He makes me feel wanted and cared for. Cherished.
