Dragon Your Bones, page 35
He licked at his lips nervously, and she set down the dishes on the counter, sensing the weight of the conversation. “At the beginning of the Forging,” he said. “I tried to kill myself in the waters of the oasis. I was tired of being a burden, and I figured everyone’s lives would be easier if I was gone. I hadn’t planned on surviving the Forging.”
She physically ached at the words. “But we had a plan.”
“It was your plan.”
The image of Kai blurred. Salty tears hugged her lips. For years, he claimed he didn’t tell her things for fear of hurting her. She turned away from him and began putting up the dishes to give herself something to do. Slowly, quietly, he began doing the same, while glancing at her out of the corner of his eye and waiting for her reaction.
She knew he hadn’t taken his first Forging or the year without rations very well, but she hadn’t thought . . . she hadn’t thought. How could she have missed so much? She paused and pressed her hands against the geometric tiled counter.
Kai had fought so hard to prove himself stronger than she gave him credit for. Now it was her turn. She could take a hit. She could prove herself stronger, too. She sucked in a breath and turned to face him. “Thank you for telling me. Do you still feel this way?”
“No,” he said and watched her warily. He offered freely, “It’s not your fault. You did all that you could. I . . . at the time, in the moment, dying had seemed the only choice I’d ever get to make.” He reached up and stored the last plate. “The Grankull accepts that Death can come as a battle, or old age, or unexpected accidents . . . but in my experience, Death can also be a snare. It’s hard to escape if you’re not willing to fight, or if you don’t know how, or if there’s no one to help. It’s not an easy thing to bite your leg free. The rabbit shouldn’t be at fault for being caught in the hunter’s snare. It’s not the rabbit’s fault they cannot run away. I think Kenji is caught in the same trap and needs your help. You are the only one he truly listens to. You are the one he strives to be better for. If there’s any hope of him improving, it’s going to be here.”
“What if . . .” She picked her words carefully, “What if it’s already too late? Sometimes I don’t recognize who he is anymore.”
“I’ve never known that person,” Kai said, truthfully. “So maybe it’s easier for me. But people change, Nico. Maybe it’s time to accept who he is now.”
“An abusive piece of shit?” she muttered.
“A person who has made mistakes and is trying to right those wrongs.”
“Trying is a rather strong word, but I understand your point—that it could be harder for him to improve without facing the accountability of his actions every day. I just . . . I fear . . .” She rubbed her eyes, feeling so overwhelmed in that moment. “They’ve given me a bigger field to oversee in the wingfields. I must prepare for this upcoming election. I need to find alternate candidates for the other Council seats and help build their campaign, all while making sure the Council doesn’t get too bold and try to take Rae away from us again. And the assassins, lest not forget about the assassins. Those aren’t entirely off the table. I barely have enough time for anything. For all my magic and how powerful I have become, I can’t stretch the days any longer. I simply can’t monitor him all vibrations of the day.”
“Trust me,” Kai said, again, except this time it had more weight. He had actually given some honesty in exchange for all that trust he’d been begging for. She sighed, relenting.
“You will no longer lie for him,” she said. “You will no longer protect him. You will allow him to be held accountable for his actions. If he hurts you again, you will tell me immediately, understood? Promise me on Ava-ta’s name.”
“I promise.”
“And Kai,” Nico said, as he turned for the hallway. “We’re not done. We also need to address your magic.”
He slumped against the door frame, half-in and half-out of the kitchen, twitching to flee. “What about it?” he pouted.
She swept past him and motioned him to follow. He reluctantly followed her down the hallway into the dojo. She looked around at the reed panels that made up the walls and that were easily replaced if destroyed. She remembered all the blood and sweat she had spilled here. But Kai never had that same instruction.
“Tell me about your magic. Rasia said that you had control of it, but I’ve noticed a lot of outbursts lately. Before, when you’ve not been in control, the outbursts were small but now they are bigger. You could hurt someone.”
“I know,” he said, frustrated. “I thought I had it under control, but it hasn’t been working right since I’ve been in the Grankull.”
“So what? You were hoping to ignore the problem and it would go away?” she asked. He gave her a flat stare because yes, that was exactly what he had been hoping. “You’ve been eating, right?”
“I can’t go a drum without Rasia trying to stuff something into my mouth. Yes, I’ve been eating. Have I been eating enough? I don’t know.”
She nodded and sat down cross-legged onto the mats. She patted the space across from her, urging him to sit down too. He sat down, curling his knees up under him, an almost comical sight at how gangly he was becoming. He was hitting that growth where everything was just a little out of proportion. “So, let’s assume that’s not the issue. When did you first notice that things had changed?”
He hunched his shoulders and explained what happened during his interview. He stumbled over some parts of it, and Nico mentally raised the name of the Belly Councilor higher on her list of those she needed to take down.
“In the records, there was once an Ohan who could no longer use their magic after a particularly brutal civil war. Sometimes . . . it’s mental, Kai. During the interview, you panicked. You know the magic responds to emotions, but emotions are personal. Mine gets out of control when I get angry, but perhaps yours manifest as a block. The power and level of control you exerted in the Desert were impressive, but you were lucky to be inundated by your elements. You’re in the Grankull now. It’s no longer easy when all you’ve got is a puddle to manipulate.”
Nico offered her hands, and Kai placed his hands in hers. He had given up on magic so long ago that now he was always sensitive about it. She had tried to connect with his magic before, but the connection had felt like oily clogged pores and her attempts slid right off. Now, his magic was bright and open and so full that she feared he might explode with all the energy swelling his bones. “It feels so different now. What changed?”
“I came into my magic during the Forging,” he mumbled.
She snapped her eyes open. “Why didn’t you start with that? Kai! That changes everything. How did it happen?”
He squeezed his eyes shut and mumbled.
“What did you say?”
He mumbled it again, only slightly louder this time but enough for her to hear the words, “. . . sex . . . first time.”
She blinked at him and laughed. She couldn’t imagine how painful that must have been. He covered his face with his hands in embarrassment. She had access to all the memories of previous Ohans and that certainly was a first. She snatched back his hands. “Stop that. What’s done is done.”
“But that’s not normal,” he whined. “I just . . . I’m never going to be normal, am I?”
“I think I know something that might help,” she said. She focused and connected their magic. The amount of magic Kai contained truly awed her, for it was as immense as the magic in the Heart Temple. They sat across from each other, like two blazing suns.
“Don’t fight me,” she warned, and then began absorbing some of his magic. She was connected to the Elder Heart, and she further pulled his magic through her to join the immense store within the temple until he wasn’t so bright anymore. She released him and watched as he lifted his arms in awe, staring at them.
“It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
She frowned. “Did it always hurt?”
“I think so,” he said uncertainly. “You know when there’s background noise so constant that you don’t hear it anymore until it’s gone? Like that. The pain is gone. But what does this mean? That I don’t have to eat as much anymore?”
“I don’t know, but it’ll come back,” she warned. “Bones attract magic, and all bones have their own natural capacity to hold a certain amount. Your capacity is extremely large, conditioned from holding so much for so long, I suspect. All the magic I sucked away will eventually return. Perhaps if we did this draining every morning it could help, but that’s not a long-term solution. You will eventually need to learn how to handle your capacity, and I think that’s something we can train. You’ve got to start meditating, learning the breathing techniques, and practicing. Rasia was also right—your body is a vessel. You need to eat right and train it as well, which can often increases your magical endurance. If you really want to control your magic, then you’ve got to put in the work. No more running away from it.”
“Okay,” he said, after a moment, and then squeezed her hands. “I think . . . I’m afraid of failing. That even after all this hard work it won’t matter. I think out of everything in my life, it is my magic that has disappointed me the most, and it is terrifying to have to rely on it to do anything.”
“If you do nothing, most likely it’s going to get worse. But even if it all ends in disappointment, at least you tried, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, suddenly mournful as he nodded to himself. “At least I tried.”
Nico knew they were talking about something slightly different now, and it pained her to hear the surrender in his voice. The brave face he put on for her and Rasia was an exterior, but for a moment, she could see through the cracks of his walls and spied all his hurt, disappointment, and anger at the injustice of it all. She leaned forward and wrapped him in her arms. “I am so so so proud of you, and you should be so proud of yourself. You slayed a dragon, and even though it feels so overwhelming and daunting right now, I know that you have it in you to slay so many more. I know it’s not fair that this world demands so much of you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to feel defeated. It is okay to feel hurt. Despite all the adversity that you face, every day you choose not to give up, and that is the bravest and most courageous choice anyone could ever make. You have always been my hero, Kai.”
He tightened his grip around her and pressed his head into her shoulder. For the first time since the interview, he wept.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
“Do you have a moment?” Ysai asked, catching Nico in the hallway. She had finished the morning meditations with Kai and was on her way to get ready for work, which usually took her half a drum. She didn’t really have the time. But despite all that, she motioned him to follow.
They convened in the library. Zephyr and Nico had moved a reed screen from the dojo to pin with various information and names. The web of information took up an entire section of the room.
“As you know, I’ve been going through all the stuff I inherited from tah,” he paused. “I found the records you were looking for.”
Nico’s eyes widened as Ysai untied a cylindrical case from his belt and pulled out the documents. She immediately cleared a space on her desk.
“At first, I couldn’t figure out where they were hidden, but then I remembered both Shamai-ta and Kiba-ta were in on the scheme, and Shamai-ta was always good with his hands. I considered where he might hide something, and I found the documents in a false bottom of a display case in their bedroom. But it might not be everything you were hoping for.”
She unrolled the scrolls and pinned evory paperweights at the curled corners. She shuffled through pages of transactions and sucked in a breath at the extent of the records and how far they went back. It was absolutely everything.
And nothing at all.
While the detailed accounting records implicated half of the Council in Nico’s assassination attempts and other shady dealings, not one page existed with solely Kibari’s name on it. All Kibari’s vendors, all those who had illegally bought food from her, all the smugglers, and all who have enabled the operation were also listed. In a year when most were starving due to a food shortage and forced to do anything they could to do to survive, the list was endless.
Kibari Oshield had ensured that if she ever went down, most of the Grankull would go down with her, including both of her children.
“You’re going to show these to Rasia?” she asked.
“No,” he scoffed. “I don’t plan to ever tell her. Rasia will gleefully sacrifice herself and everyone around her if that meant taking down the Council. Not for some self-righteous cause either, but for revenge. This is a bomb in her hands.”
“It’s a bomb in mine too,” she said. If she published this information a day before the election, and she could win decisively, taking down the reputations of all those who opposed her. But to drench a few, she would have to rain on everyone else.
“We might win,” she told herself. But she might not.
What should she choose? Certain victory and unequivocal control of the Council at everyone’s expense, or court the risk of not winning and face the wrath of a Council stacked against her? Could she look people in the eyes afterward? For small infractions, most people would face fines, but the Grankull would certainly shut down any vendor shops involved. They’d banish Rasia and Ysai, too, for their heavy involvement in the smuggling.
Nico was shocked Ysai had said anything at all. “Why did you bring this to me?”
“Because you’re not Rasia, and I know you’ll at least think about it.”
She sighed. Ava-ta would do it in a heartbeat. But sometimes the truth wasn’t always right. “I’m not going to do it. It hurts too many people. Thank you for this. If anything, thank you for the closure. Now I know the names, without a shadow of a doubt, of those who want me dead.”
She turned to the board she and Zephyr had been working on and rearranged the sketches of the various faces. At the top, she placed those who had contributed to the assassination attempts: the Ribs Councilor, the Belly Councilor, the Neck Councilor, the Hindlegs Councilor, and the Pelvis Councilor. In the middle were the moderates, of which she didn’t have to worry about: the Claws Councilor, the Wings Councilor, and the Heart Councilor. Nico stared at the five at the top and drew an ‘X’ across Kibari’s face.
“What are you going to do now? Are you going to destroy the records?” he asked.
“I’m not that naïve,” she said. “The threat of having the information could be useful in certain circumstances.”
She folded the documents back into the leather case and sealed the case closed with candle wax. Then it disappeared in a splash of water to the bottom of the Black Sea off the Dragon’s Coast. None but her would be able to access it.
“I’ll just have to do this the hard way,” she said. The hard way. It was the story of Nico’s life.
“I’ve considered your other request.”
She raised her eyebrows. When she had asked Ysai if he would run for the Rib-seat to replace his tah, she hadn’t thought he would consider it. He hadn’t been with the sentries for very long, but the Grankull did have a weakness for nepotism. He could have a chance.
“I heard that tajih is thinking of running in Kiba-ta’s place, but he was involved in a lot of tah’s operations and would be just as corrupt. I think, I guess, I should probably try,” he said, with a lot of hesitance.
Perfect.
Nico looked back at the board at the four other seats left to tackle. It wouldn’t be easy, but she knew exactly where to start.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Rasia had never been self-conscious about the volume of her pleasure. Her breathy moans were as loud as when they fondled each other in the windship hatch as now in the soft morning light of the lounging room. Kai figured his family would give them a wide berth but jerked in alarm when Nico came rushing in, paying not a bit of attention.
“Kai, I’m headed out—Oh.”
Kai scrambled his fingers from between Rasia’s legs and shoved a pillow over his erection. Rasia hadn’t offered any help other than to laugh. She turned to Nico, with her night robe hanging askew and bare breasts still heaving with her laughter. She shooed. “Go away. We’re busy.”
“Don’t you two have a bedroom? With a door?” Nico tsked and narrowed her eyes on Kai. “I’m leaving for the wingfields and have a few meetings afterward, but I’ll be sure to make it back in time for dinner. I might be a little late, but I’ll be here.”
He nodded his head in an impatient bob.
“Be careful not to exacerbate your wounds and please, try not to get blood on the furniture,” she reprimanded, before rushing out in a whirlwind of hair and silk. He blinked, confused by her words, and then looked down at where his fingers clutched onto the silk pillow to find his middle digits glossed with blood.
“Huh . . .” Rasia said, surprised by the blood herself. “I’m off schedule.”
Then she shrugged and continued exactly where they had left off. Before, Kai would have been concerned if it was safe to have sex, but it had been one of several answers Ysai had freely provided without needing the question.
Rasia was on gonom now. Her deathsblood wouldn’t affect the contraceptive. This was the safest time during her cycle to have sex. Kai felt confident this time around that they were protected. But Nico probably did have a point about the furniture. He raised his hips, and immediately hissed as the movement burned down his stomach, along the wound where he had been stabbed.
“Here,” Rasia said, and helped pull off his robe to lay it underneath them. He dropped back down and was out of breath from just that small action. Rasia’s face twisted in concern.
