Emily Posts, page 1
Text copyright © 2024 by Tanya Lloyd Kyi
Cover art copyright © 2024 by Ericka Lugo
Tundra Books, an imprint of Tundra Book Group, a division of Penguin Random House of Canada Limited
All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher — or, in case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency — is an infringement of the copyright law.
Publisher’s note: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Title: Emily Posts / Tanya Lloyd Kyi.
Names: Kyi, Tanya Lloyd, 1973- author.
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20220482985 | Canadiana (ebook) 20220483000 | ISBN 9781774882047 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781774882054 (EPUB)
Classification: LCC PS8571.Y52 E45 2024 | DDC jC813/.6—dc23
Published simultaneously in the United States of America by Tundra Books of Northern New York, an imprint of Tundra Book Group, a division of Penguin Random House of Canada Limited
Library of Congress Control Number: 2022951648
Edited by Lynne Missen
Cover designed by Gigi Lau
www.penguinrandomhouse.ca
a_prh_6.3_146095920_c0_r0
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
1. Star Power
2. Snacks Gone Wrong
3. Personal Space
4. Epic Etiquette Fails
5. Vegan Manga Eyes
6. Ventriloquist Act
7. Inapproprativeness
8. Selfie Sabotage
9. Moving to Mars
10. Accidental Water Fight
11. Girl Time
12. The Art of Betrayal
13. Things Get Gassy
14. Eavesdropping Etiquette
15. Organized Crime
16. Wing Nuts
17. Trouble at the Top
18. Tragedy of Tragedies
19. The Bathroom of Abandonment
20. Top Ten Terrible Days Ever
21. The Lyingest Liars of Lyingville
22. Sugar Rush
23. Getting Confrontational
24. Powers of Persuasion
25. Emily Post Laurence Bond
26. Meet the Press
27. We March!
28. A Tempeh Buffet
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
For my family
1
Star Power
I love an attentive audience.
I take my seat at the head of the library table and tuck my hair behind one ear, so my hoop earrings are visible. (I’m trying to start a trend.) Then I smile encouragingly at my team.
They beam back at me. Well, Daniella does. On the other side of the table, Reza stares at his phone. Simone is late.
She whirls into the library a minute later, in a fabulous pleated skirt. And…she’s wearing hoop earrings!
“Let the ruckus begin,” she says, sliding in beside Reza.
“Thank you all for coming,” I say, which is a more respectful way to start a meeting. Simone is my very best friend in the entire world and has excellent fashion sense, but Mr. Chadwick made the right choice when he put me in charge of the podcast.
“We have a lot to cover. I’ve already uploaded a template for our October show, so please have a look.”
They obediently check their phones.
We’re planning our second-ever episode of Cedarview Speaks. This is the first year our school has had a podcast instead of a boring newspaper. Mr. Chadwick, our sponsor teacher, calls us his beta-testing team. I’m the producer, which means I’m in charge of making schedules, assigning stories, and basically everything else. Simone’s our main host, and Daniella’s our audio engineer. Reza is at the meeting too, but he only covers sports so he doesn’t really count. (Not that I would ever tell him that. I’m as polite to Reza as I am to the more useful members of my team.)
“We upload this episode in less than three weeks,” I tell them. “That means one week to research, a week to record our stories, and just enough time for post-production.”
The recording and post-production all happen in our tiny studio, tucked at the back of the library behind our worktable.
As the team reviews my schedule, Mr. Chadwick pokes his head around a bookshelf.
“Did you see the new mic?”
Our librarian is completely bald, which makes it especially obvious when his eyes sparkle. He sounds as if he bought us a puppy.
Daniella gives him a thumbs-up. She also blushes. Daniella has the classic pale skin of a redhead and she basically blushes as soon as anyone looks at her.
“Great choice, Mr. Chadwick,” Simone says.
“Professional-quality condenser mic. Same thing they use at radio stations,” he says. “I did my research.”
Above him, the CA Energy Supports Learning Everywhere! banner flutters slightly in the draft from a heating vent. Mr. Chadwick says that CA Energy is one of the biggest corporations in the whole country, and we’re lucky they take an interest in local education. They’re our biggest podcast sponsor. Well, they’re our only sponsor.
“If I’d had all this equipment in high school, I’d be a broadcast journalist today. You’d be watching me on the news every night,” Mr. Chadwick says.
This seems unlikely. Sometimes Mr. Chadwick’s a little overly enthusiastic about the podcast. And there are only so many great things we can say about the new microphone, so we end up silently staring at him.
He shifts his gaze to me. “You good, Emily?”
“All good.” I nod.
“Great. I need a coffee.”
He disappears.
“Okay, let’s continue,” I say.
“Let’s,” Simone echoes. “I got such good feedback about our principal-for-a-day story in September. We’ll probably have a ton of new listeners this month, so our episode needs to sizzle.” She flashes jazz hands before opening her notebook.
One day, Simone’s going to design sustainable fashion. She’ll probably live in Paris. With her chic black bob and her makeup skills, she’ll fit right in. But the jazz hands are a little much.
Besides, she’s not the producer.
I lean forward. “Bina, that girl in sixth grade, swears she saw a rat in the cafeteria. A rat!”
“That’s entirely gross.” Simone shudders.
Daniella says something inaudible, as usual.
Reza rubs his hands together. “A little extra protein for the chili surprise.”
Cedarview Cafeteria’s mystery meat: No longer a mystery?
Mr. Chadwick says we can only promote our podcast within the school. But if we were allowed to boost it publicly, I could use that line as clickbait on YouHappy.
This past summer, I finally convinced my mom to let me get my own YouHappy account so I can prepare for my future career as an online influencer. Mom’s only rule is that I’m not allowed to include photos of myself. Which is ridiculous. I’m trying — desperately — to change her mind. I’m also trying to attract new followers. I only have thirty, and three of those are bots with handles like @Texan5589567. As soon as I have more real followers, I’m definitely going to block the bots.
Reza’s still talking about rats.
“Horriblific!” Simone shudders. “Okay, I’ll follow up on that story.”
“And what about profiles of some new students?” I suggest. “I think there’s the guy who moved here from Spain, and that curly-haired girl from Ohio.”
“I shall produce profiles of perfection.” She scribbles diligently in her notebook.
“Reza, what’s on your roster?”
“Practices start Monday. First game is next week.”
He doesn’t say what sport he’s talking about, and I don’t particularly care. I make a note to leave time for his piece.
“Daniella, you’ll write our promo? Mr. Chadwick’s going to put it on the school website.”
Her lips move, but I don’t hear her answer. Partly because she’s incapable of volume and partly because just then Reza bangs the underside of the table with his knee.
I give him my best producer-like stare. “What are you doing?”
“Sorry,” he mutters. “Taking my shoe off. Slipped.”
Reza has long bangs that hang halfway over his brown eyes, and the most ridiculously long eyelashes. They’re wasted on him.
I don’t even bother asking why he’s taking his shoe off. I turn to Simone instead. “We’re going to record that sixth-grader’s spoken word piece, right? Has she picked a title for it?”
“It’s called ‘Freedom from the Overlords,’ ” she says, snorting.
Daniella wrinkles her nose.
“Any other story ideas?” I skim one more time through the run-of-show on my phone screen. We’ll have an introduction with teaser headlines, then our most attention-grabbing story (probably the rats) to hook our listeners. Less interesting stuff will go in the middle, then we’ll outro with a plug for November’s episode. “We could use a bit more content.”
“I think there’s a climate march at the end of the month,” Reza says. For some reason, he’s partially under the table, but…did he just suggest something useful?
“Great idea,” I say, trying not to sound shocked. “I’ll cover that.” The story can go right after the rat infestation in our lineup.
“You should record your advice segment, Emily,” Simone reminds me.
“I don’t think anyone sent us questions after last month’s episode.” Our suggestion that everyone bring baking soda to school to make their lockers smell better was…messy.
“We could ask people in the hallway about their problems,” Simone says. “I’m sure someone needs advice.”
“Maybe I can make up the questions and the answers.” I write another note to myself. “We should —”
Simone yelps, making all of us jump.
She fishes something from the back of her shirt, examines it, and then pushes it at Reza, who’s laughing so hard he’s practically sliding under the table.
“You…rodent!”
“I put —” Reza gasps. “My sock! She thought…rat…” He seems incapable of breathing.
“It’s not funny, and I don’t want to touch your stinky socks!”
Mr. Chadwick’s face appears above the bookshelf. “What’s going on over there?”
“He put his stinky sock down my back! I thought it was a rat!” Simone says.
Reza shrugs innocently.
“Aaaand, that’s a wrap. We’re done here.” I nod to Mr. Chadwick and gather my things.
We adjourn the meeting and head off to chase rodents, fabricate advice, and cover the news of the world. Or, in this case, the happenings of Cedarview Middle School, population 545.
“We’d have more listeners — and more followers — if this school was bigger,” I tell Simone as we leave the library.
She bumps my shoulder with hers. “Fortunately, you and I can bring the drama all by ourselves.”
And I can hardly argue with that.
* * *
The next morning, Simone and I stand behind the podium on the gymnasium stage. We’re wearing color-coordinated tops (mine turquoise and hers a complementary purple) and, of course, our silver hoops.
“Welcome to Cedarview Middle School and our Friday assembly,” we say in unison. “Our names are Simone Ahn and Emily Laurence, and we’ll be your MCs today. Please stand for our national anthem.”
Sometimes, the assembly MCs mumble into their microphones and no one can understand what they’re saying. But Simone and I are naturally attuned to one another. Cooperation is one of our most fabulous talents. Plus, we practiced on the phone last night.
Once everyone’s settled back in their seats, we remind them of the Cedarview motto (“Be Kind, Be True, Be Fair”) and announce that Division 3 will patrol the school grounds for litter. Then I introduce Mr. Lau, the principal, to make his usual speech.
When Simone and I sit down in the VIP chairs along the side of the stage, Ms. Truby, our social studies teacher, leans toward us. She’s the one who organizes our assemblies.
“Well done, girls,” she says. “I may have to cancel the usual rotation and use you every month.”
I give her my best smile. I’ve been sitting through these assemblies for more than two years now, knowing the entire time that I could do a much better job of leading them. It’s nice to have someone finally recognize my skills.
At the microphone, Mr. Lau clears his throat. “And now, I have other exciting news,” he says.
Simone snorts, which is impolite but completely understandable. Mr. Lau’s news is never exciting. It tends to be special “quiet time” because of International Silent Reading Week, or a new bulletin board to be installed in the main hallway. Principals don’t have quite the same definition of “exciting news” as regular people do.
Then I hear the words “best-selling author,” and my head pops up.
“…various TV roles before launching her writing career. We are extremely fortunate to have this opportunity, presented by CoastFresh as part of their Future-Friendly Green Initiatives campaign.”
Ooh…they should be our second podcast sponsor. I think the school already has some sort of sponsorship deal with CoastFresh, and the company provides a lot of our cafeteria food. Maybe they’d fund a story about —
“Who? Who’s Mr. Lau talking about?” Simone whispers.
“I missed that part,” I say.
Ms. Truby raises her eyebrows at us, forcing me to bring out my winning smile again. Emily Post, 1920s etiquette expert and my own personal idol, says: “To make a pleasant and friendly impression is not alone good manners, but equally good business.” Or, in my case, equally good strategizing to get an A in social studies.
Mr. Lau starts a video on the drop-down screen behind him. When the CoastFresh logo fades, a smiling, waving woman with long, dark hair appears.
I gasp. “THAT’S ASHA JAMIL!”
A date flashes at the bottom of the screen.
“SHE’S COMING TO CEDARVIEW ON OCTOBER 28. WE CAN MEET HER!” Simone whisper-yells back, not even noticing Ms. Truby’s reproving look.
Guess which TV star is making a surprise splashdown at our middle school!?!
I can’t wait to post that on YouHappy at lunch hour.
Asha Jamil is not just any star. She played an astronaut and environmental scientist on a show called Outer Orbit. She’s entirely responsible for my level of environmental knowledge. From space — even from fake space on a TV show — Earth looks so stunning that you automatically want to protect it.
Asha’s character died in a tragic accident as her landing shuttle splashed into the Atlantic. After that, Asha started writing books as well as acting. She’s been on the New York Times bestseller list practically forever.
According to the video, she’s the spokesperson for the CoastFresh Future-Friendly Green Initiatives campaign — something about going green in the next fifty years — and she’s touring schools to talk about her new kids’ book.
“And hopefully about penthouse living and poodle owning,” Simone whispers. “Asha has the MOST adorable poodle in the history of the universe.”
Maybe I can get a poodle photo while she’s here.
Meet my favorite astronaut’s out-of-this-world pet.
“Thanks for listening. I can’t wait to see you.” Asha waves from the screen as the CoastFresh logo reappears. Everyone in the gym applauds.
“Emily, we have to seize this opportunity.” Simone squeezes my arm.
“I know!” I squeeze her right back. My smile is practically trying to escape my face, and I can already imagine shaking hands with Asha. Since Mr. Lau often chooses me to give tours of our school to new students, I’m perfectly prepared to host guests. I can show Asha our eighth-grade social studies projects and our art pieces. And, of course, the podcasting studio. I’ll introduce her to the teachers…
Reza’s basketball friend, Bryce, has somehow stolen one of Reza’s shoes. He sends it sailing over the heads of the rest of the eighth grade.
Mr. Lau stops the video and glares until the boys settle down. This gives me time to think of all the things I share with Asha. We’re both concerned about animal extinctions. We’re both polite human beings (unlike Bryce, who is trying to steal a second shoe). And we both understand the power of social media. She is an absolute star on YouHappy.
“Girls?” Mr. Lau is standing above us, eyebrows raised.
We scurry to the podium and introduce the birthday kids of the month.
I stumble through the names. All I can see in my head is an image of me talking to Asha as she smiles beatifically, impressed by my encyclopedic knowledge of her career. My stomach bubbles and flutters at the idea. I have to take a deep breath.
“Focus!” I whisper to myself.
But now I’m picturing Asha once she’s an old woman. She’ll be introducing my TED Talk about modern-day etiquette and social influence.
