Bad Influence, page 18
“PALMER!”
Evan’s head jerked up and he turned around. I stopped burrowing my feet in the sand, but I didn’t turn around because I felt frozen to the spot.
“PALMER!” came the voice again.
Evan walked past me, dusting the sand off his hands. Some of it went into my eye. I took off my glasses and tried to rub it out.
“Hey, DJ! Jayden!” Evan said. “How’s it going?”
I didn’t turn to look. I just stayed there facing the ocean, wishing for some kind of disappearing spell. Anticipating the inevitable hit that was coming.
“What you doing with Maggot?” Jayden said.
DJ snort-laughed. “Yeah, she stalking you or something?”
I waited. Not because I expected anything. Although I suppose if I was waiting to hear what Evan said in reply then I must have been expecting something. But not this. Not what he actually said.
“Oh, I’m not with her,” Evan said, dusting off sand from his jeans. “I was…she was already here and just started talking to me.”
It felt like the tide had come all the way up to the dunes, taken me in its cold grip and was dragging me under the water.
“Maggot talks?” Jayden said.
Waves washed over my head and I was looking up at the rippled surface of the sea.
“I guess,” Evan said. “So, what are you doing?”
Time had almost completely stopped. And there was only the gentle movement of the waves as I sank further and further into their depths.
“Fancy a kickabout in the park?” DJ said. Then he leaned so close to me I felt the heat of his breath in my ear. “Get out of here, Maggot.”
And in that instant, I became part of the icy ocean, my flesh and bones dissolving into sea foam. I was nothing.
I picked up my bag and trainers without looking back and ran as fast as I could down the dunes, until I reached the concrete steps. I let go of my breath, looked up at the steel-coloured clouds. And only then did the tears come out.
Two days later, I held the book I was reading and felt numb. I just sat there staring into space, flipping through the pages, thinking about what happened on the beach. And how Evan hadn’t even sent me a message saying sorry.
Mum called to say Dad was here and I was dragged back to reality. I’d be staying at his house in Middlesbrough for the next two weeks. Two whole weeks on my own because Hannah wasn’t even coming.
“Hurry up, sweetheart,” Mum said, opening my bedroom door. “You know what he’s like if you keep him waiting.” I closed the book and stuffed it into the front pocket of my suitcase. “Hey!” Mum said. “Don’t look so glum, you’ll have a brilliant time.”
“Yeah,” I said. “If the Yankees win the championship.”
Mum laughed. “If they lose, you have permission to call me to come collect you.” She pinched my chin and lifted my head up so my eyes met hers. “Listen, if you need me, call.” I nodded. “And do try to cheer up. Your dad’s looking forward to having you.”
“You’re quiet,” Dad said after we’d been driving for twenty minutes. I was surprised he’d even noticed. “You’re not upset that Hannah’s not coming, are you? Because we’re gonna have a great time!”
“I’m fine. Just a bit tired. I stayed up late reading.”
“Well, that’s great! In fact, Selina picked you up some books. She says my bookshelf is a disgrace to literature.” I smiled. Dad’s bookcase was made up entirely of sports biographies. “That’s better!” Dad said. “There’s the Bright Smile!” And slowly my smile turned into a laugh. But my heart stayed as it was – a rotten piece of driftwood washed up on an empty shore.
When Hannah stayed, we shared a room at my dad’s house. But as she wasn’t there, I got the bed instead of the squashy fold-out chair. It was almost midday, and now and again a cloud would pass in front of the sun and cast the room into darkness. I heard Dad downstairs saying he needed to pop out for some shopping and he’d be back later. Selina brought me a glass of apple juice and said she’d be in the garden if I fancied coming out. Only I could practically feel my skin burning through the windows, so I politely declined.
I decided to unpack later and curled up on the bed. I pulled out Knife Edge, the book I was reading. And that’s when my phone beeped. With three messages from Evan.
Sorry about what happened at the beach the other day.
Feel really bad.
I’m an idiot.
I looked at the messages for a while, trying to figure out how I felt. Part of me wanted to call him a skunk cabbage, a phrase I’d read years ago in Anne of Green Gables. But another part of me – the part left wounded on the beach – was just really happy he’d apologized. Even if it did take him over seventy-two hours.
It’s okay, I wrote back. But also kind of not okay, I thought. Because no matter who came onto the beach that day, I’d never in a million years have pretended I didn’t like a friend. Especially not someone I had spent the best part of the summer kissing. But I also knew that I wasn’t just anyone. I was Maggot. The girl rated bottom out of everyone in my year. The girl worthless enough to deserve having an entire bucket of maggots chucked at her. And stupid enough to catch them. I was trying my best not to be her ever again. Evan liking me felt like an escape route. If I could just get things right – get him to not be ashamed of me – then everything bad at school would go away. But the Maggot name was like the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I just couldn’t get it to disappear.
Evan messaged me almost every day while I was at my dad’s. Photos of a clam he’d found on the beach, and what looked like a strawberry anemone. A picture of him with no T-shirt on, standing on the rocks where we’d gone rock pooling. Maybe that’s what did it. Maybe it put me out of my mind. Or maybe it was the fact that the summer was almost over and he still hadn’t said I was his girlfriend. I couldn’t go back to school and have him ignore me again. I couldn’t survive another year of being Maggot. Of him keeping us a secret from everybody. I needed to do something.
It was the weekend before we went back to school and I was watching the baseball with Dad and Selina. I was messaging Evan, holding my phone close to my chest so Dad and Selina couldn’t see. Then he sent:
I want to see you. Send me a photo.
Dad leaped off the sofa as the Yankees scored a home run, grabbed me and twirled me round. I said I had to go to the bathroom.
Upstairs, I pulled off my baseball hat and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t have any make-up on and my hair was flat around the top from wearing my hat. I peered over the banister to check Selina and Dad were still glued to the screen, then snuck into Dad’s room. Selina’s make-up bag was gigantic! It was like hitting the jackpot. I quickly applied some eyeliner, blusher and lipstick then went back into my room and took a few selfies. I angled the phone and pulled my top down a little so you could just see my cleavage. Even if it was kind of minuscule. I chose the best picture and sent it to Evan.
I went back downstairs and waited, half-watching the baseball and half-watching my phone.
Evan: Beautiful
I’m not lying when I say it felt like there were fireworks in my stomach. Beautiful. I traced the word with my finger, feeling like this could be it. This could be the moment he says he wants me to be his girlfriend. But he sent:
Can I see some more?
I went upstairs again and tried to capture another selfie at a more flattering angle. But I’m really not that photogenic. Also it was hard because I took off my glasses this time so I could hardly see what I was photographing. I swiped through my filters and eventually found one that lit my face up pink.
Evan: You look amazing
But I want to see more of you.
Something I haven’t seen before. More than your face.
Your body.
Take your top off.
Take my top off? And that’s when I started feeling worried. Not scared or anything. Okay, maybe a little bit scared. I was out of my depth, like I’d swum too far out and I couldn’t quite see the shore. The baseball commentator was droning on and Selina was feeding my dad nachos. My phone vibrated again.
Go on please.
Come on Amelia.
I really want to see you.
It disappears after a few seconds.
I was just writing, I’m not sure…when he sent another. And another and another.
I sent you one of me.
Aren’t we more than friends?
Don’t you trust me or something?
Just one photo. Go on.
I so want to see you.
I won’t show anyone.
I dare you Amelia Bright.
Dares don’t usually work on me. And his didn’t. I mean, that’s not the reason I sent it. I desperately wanted to be his girlfriend. I thought, if I just sent him this picture, if I could prove I was attractive enough then I could show him I was worth more than the Extreme Fug Zone and maggot hurling and loserville status at school. If I could be less of a child then everything I imagined could come true. If I was with Evan, the name-calling would stop. All of it would stop.
Who knows what I was thinking, really? But the truth is, I snuck back into Dad’s room and rifled through the chest of drawers until I found Selina’s underwear. I am not exactly proud of myself for this. But I had on this white bra that was about as attractive as the underwear my mum wears. So I had to borrow something.
I found a pink lace thing with underwire, quickly ran back to my room and closed the door. I stayed there for a moment taking deep breaths. Part of me was excited. The part that wasn’t terrified, I mean. Like when I got a new project or challenge at school. I wanted to do it right. If I was going to send Evan a photo with my top off, it was going to be the best photo he had ever seen.
It took me a few minutes to research how to do it. To see what kind of pose made me look the most grown up. And the whole time, Evan was messaging saying he wanted to see me so bad. I put on Selina’s bralette thing. It was way too big for me. But it wasn’t like I had time for a boob job. I twisted the straps until it was tight against my boobs, then tied it at the back so you couldn’t tell. It was completely see-through. I pointed my phone at the mirror and tapped. It was simple really, in a way. I ignored the trembling in my fingers and the waves of fear running over my skin like electrical currents. And then it was easy. I double-checked the photo would disappear a few seconds after I sent it, then I messaged Evan.
Okay, are you ready?
And then I did it. Photo sent. No going back. It only took a few seconds to get his reply.
Evan: OMG Amelia you look amazing
The knot in my stomach slowly started to loosen. I’d done it! It was sent. Evan liked it. And now, the picture would vanish. Like a firework. That was how it worked. That’s why I wasn’t worried. Because no one would ever see it except Evan. I could just pretend it didn’t exist. I could put Selina’s lacy bralette thing back in the drawer, wipe off her make-up, go back downstairs and watch the baseball with a secret smile on my face. Because I had nothing to worry about. The photo would already have disappeared. I’d completely deleted it from my phone. It no longer existed.
Only that’s not what happened at all.
The next day, Dad dropped me off at home and kissed me goodbye. “I’ll see you next weekend, okay?”
I waved to Dad and practically levitated into the house, I was on such a high. Evan had messaged me that morning saying, Can’t wait to see you. I was certain he would say I was his girlfriend today. Before we went back to school. Meaning I’d start Year Nine as Evan’s girlfriend and never have to hear the M-word again.
After lunch, I ran over to Nisha’s and rang her doorbell with that fizzing excitement in your stomach that you only get when you haven’t seen your best friend all summer. I practically pounced on her as soon as she opened the door.
“You’re back!” I cried, hugging her as tightly as I could.
Nisha laughed in between taking big gulps of air like she couldn’t breathe. “I’ve been to India, Amelia, not the moon!”
“I know,” I said. “But I missed you. How was it?”
Nisha smiled. “It was so good! The wedding was amazing, and look, my cousin got me this.” Around her wrist was a delicate gold bracelet with a green heart dangling from it. Nisha turned it round; the clasp was engraved with her name in Gujarati.
“It’s beautiful.” I slipped off my shoes and followed Nisha upstairs. “I’m so happy you’re back!”
When we got to her room we sat on Nisha’s bed scrolling through her pictures. “It looks incredible!” I said, gazing at photos of Goan beaches.
“It was incredible!” Nisha said. “I know we visit India every year but this time felt different. We travelled so much and I got to see so many amazing places. It’s made me so much more determined to get into dance school over there.”
“You will, Nisha. You’re an amazing dancer.”
“I mean, there’s a university in Jaipur where you can study dance and choreography and oh my God, you should see the library!”
“You visited it?”
Nisha laughed. “No, silly. I’ve been looking online.”
“At universities?” I asked. “Nisha, we’re literally only about to start Year Nine.”
Nisha looked at me. “Okay, what’s happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean?” Nisha sat up and put her hands on her hips. “We’re only about to start Year Nine from the girl who made a speech in Year Four about wanting to change the world?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing’s happened!” I said, breaking into a smile. “I just think it’s better to focus on what’s going on in the present. Seize the day!”
Nisha frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” I said. “Obviously we’re going to be Year Nines now and I’ve been thinking about this whole popularity thing.” Nisha put her hands over her face and groaned. “Just hear me out, okay! My followers on TikTok have quadrupled over the summer, so already that’s a good sign. I’m vice-captain of Debate Club, which means at the end of September everybody in the whole school will see me make the best speech they’ve ever heard.”
Nisha smiled. “Now that I can believe.”
“And, let’s just say, I don’t think DJ and his idiot crew will be such a problem this year.”
“Why not?” I smiled at her. “Has something happened with Evan? Are you two official?” She screeched and launched herself at me. “How could you not tell me?!”
“Not exactly.” I laughed and wriggled myself out from underneath her, trying to hide my embarrassment. Evan and I had spent almost the entire summer together and still nothing had been said. I tried not to think about the photo. Each time I did I felt weird. I couldn’t tell anyone about it, not even Nisha. I don’t know why I kept it a secret like that. Probably because I knew what Nisha would say. Which was exactly why I didn’t tell her about him pretending not to know me at the beach. I just knew she wouldn’t understand. But if Evan acknowledged me at school tomorrow, if he asked me out, it was worth it. “But it’s only a matter of time,” I said. “And once I’m his girlfriend – officially – DJ and everyone won’t say anything to me. I’ll finally be Amelia Bright, member of the popular crowd and not…you know…a Gossland Bog sub-species.”
“Amelia…” Nisha looked at me. “You know you’ve never been a sub-species. And honestly, you shouldn’t even care what DJ and people like him say. Has Evan actually said anything about what’s going on between you? Because you know you can’t control—”
“But that’s the thing!” I replied, not waiting for her to finish. “I’ve tried not to care what they think, but it’s impossible. Besides, I don’t need to worry about them any more because being Evan’s girlfriend will change how they see me. I know it will! And I just know he’s going to say something. Probably tonight.”
Nisha smiled weakly at me. “It’s just that Evan hasn’t exactly been…” She paused, watching me as I tried not to let my face fall. “I just mean, don’t change yourself, okay? Because I happen to like my best friend exactly how she is. And if things don’t work out with Evan, then you’ve still got me. And you’re still awesome.”
But one person thinking that, even if it was my best friend, wasn’t enough.
“Thanks,” I said and hugged her. “But you don’t have to worry. Evan’s not said the exact words ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ yet but seriously, that’s basically what we are.” I’d already convinced myself that it was going to happen. That I was speaking the truth. That everything was somehow under control.
That night, Hannah and I made a TikTok of “Levitating” by Dua Lipa. It was the most upbeat song we’d done and really hard to learn. But after reading the lyrics online, I knew it was what I wanted to say. It’s about blasting into the stars with that perfect person, gliding through the moonlight, getting lost with them for ever. It didn’t take a genius to figure out I was playing it for Evan. As I watched my phone glow with notifications, I felt like I was really up there, amongst the stars, heading towards the light.
In the morning, Hannah waltzed downstairs wearing a plastic tiara. “What do you think?” she said. “Too much?”
I gave her a sarcastic smile. “You’re Head Girl, Hannah, not the queen.”
Hannah replied with a fake laugh.
“Girls,” Mum said, appearing from the kitchen with her phone out. “Stand by the wall; let’s get a photo.”
“Why do we always have to do this?” I asked as Hannah dragged me towards the wall for the annual “new school year” photograph.
“For posterity,” Mum said, her phone clicking. “And because your dad wants a picture.”
Mum finally managed to take a photo that wasn’t blurred and we escaped. At the top of the hill, I stopped and waited for any sign of Evan.
“You coming?” Hannah asked impatiently.
