When It Feels Right, page 12
“That’s great. It’s hard sometimes to figure yourself out. Sounds like you know yourself pretty well.”
“I ought to after thirty-eight years in here,” Marlene said, waving her hand around to indicate her body.
“It takes some people much longer than that. And some folks never find out.”
“How about you?” Marlene asked.
“Oh, I am intimately familiar with this.” Abby mimicked Marlene’s gesture to indicate her own, much curvier body. “But it’s fun to keep researching.”
Marlene looked away and hugged her throw pillow hard. “I, um, meant how do you identify? Do you date men?”
Abby stretched out her legs, twisting her ankles around to stretch muscles sore from a busy Friday night of bartending. “No men for me either. I’m a gold star.”
“A gold star?”
“It means I’m a lesbian who has never had sex with a man.” Abby watched Marlene’s shoulders bunch up. “Which I now realize makes it seem like I’m saying I’m a better lesbian for never having sex with men. I’m sorry, that’s not how I meant it at all.”
“It’s okay,” Marlene said. “I wasn’t offended. I just hadn’t heard the term before.”
“This lesson was free then. I still think I’ll stop saying that. I don’t think there’s anything special about me not being with men before women. I was pretty young when I realized it was gross when men hit on me. It wasn’t a long walk from there to lesbian.”
“How young?”
“I came out in high school.” Abby leaned back and smiled at the memories of her oversexed, overconfident teenage self. “And I was so loud about it. Asked out my friend Sherry right in the middle of the lunch room with half the school watching.”
“Did she say yes?”
“God no. Sherry wasn’t the loud type. Not like me. Maybe if I’d asked her in private she would’ve given it a shot, but she also wasn’t gay, so I had two strikes against me.”
Marlene had released the pillow and leaned into the conversation. She looked like she wanted to take notes. “What about the rest of the school? Did they give you a hard time?”
“Not really. I was the first girl in my school to develop, as my grandmother put it. The guys were too busy staring at my tits to call me names. And the girls already were calling me names, so it didn’t matter.”
Abby’s smile faltered as she remembered the thrill of finally getting attention. The slight shift when she realized it wasn’t quite what she expected. She’d told her mother what her grandmother had said about her new breasts. The way men would like her now. How she should appreciate it because they would only be interested for so long. Then her mother had sucked out all the sourness with her rage. Abby had never seen her grandmother angry until she watched from the parked car as Abby’s mother had screamed in her face. That was the day Abby had found the power of her curves. Had taken her own power back from the wolf-whistlers and the boys who tried to grab her in gym class.
Marlene was kind enough not to let the silence linger. “But you dated girls in high school? That’s cool. I wish I’d known then. Would’ve saved me a lot of time.”
“I’m sure some of those relationships with men were meaningful.” When Marlene didn’t agree, Abby asked, “Weren’t they?”
“My college boyfriend was an asshole, but the rest weren’t too bad.”
“Weren’t too good, either?”
“It wasn’t their fault,” Marlene said again.
“Women aren’t that much better,” Abby said, hoping to take the strain from Marlene’s mahogany eyes. “I’ve dated some real jerks, too. Loserdom knows no gender.”
Marlene smiled and her shoulders did relax. She still seemed tired, though, so Abby decided they’d done enough sharing for the day.
“I’m going to sign us up for a meal kit delivery service. Any allergies?” Abby asked.
“No allergies. Let me get you my credit card, I’ll pay.”
Abby tapped the email link. “Nope. We’ll split it.”
Marlene opened her mouth, clearly intent to argue. Abby kept her eyes on her, making the challenge clear. She could tell Marlene wanted to insist, maybe even point out how much more money she made than Abby, but she wisely reconsidered. Their lunch arrived and Marlene hurried downstairs to collect it.
While filling out the form and picking their first meals, Abby tried to decide if she found Marlene’s offer to pay charming or annoying. On the one hand, she undoubtedly did make more than Abby and the offer to pay could be seen as chivalrous. On the other hand, Abby hated it when people waved their wealth around. She never would have suggested an expense she wasn’t prepared to share equally.
As they debated over the merits of pork eggroll bowls versus Mediterranean pasta with halibut, Abby decided that Marlene was being charming and decided she liked Marlene for it.
Chapter Thirteen
No matter how hard Marlene tried, she couldn’t seem to focus on her work. Brad had given her the task of reviewing the entire area’s cash-on-hand averages. It was an important task that kept all of them safer, but even the stark reminder that bank robberies were on the rise in the area couldn’t grab her attention.
The problem was Brad, of course. Marlene had been on edge ever since Lucy’s retirement, but Brad’s last visit and his not-so-subtle hints about her fashion choices had sent her into a spiral. She’d been dwelling on it since, always terrified that he’d show up again, uninvited and unannounced. How many hints would he make before he started handing out punishments? Worse, the uncertainty was starting to affect her performance. She found herself less likely to engage with the older clients, worried they might trust her less because she wore a men’s suit. Even if she’d known those customers for years, she found reasons to avoid them.
Outside her office, Ellie stood and held out a hand to her client. Marlene watched the interaction more as an excuse to stop her own work than any real interest in Ellie’s. The client looked to be in her seventies or eighties and held Ellie’s hands in both hers. She even patted Ellie’s hand in that grandmotherly way older ladies tended to do. Ellie’s smile was warm and welcoming, exactly as it always was. When it came to women, Ellie’s appeal crossed generations.
Once the client had shuffled out of the branch, Ellie pushed through Marlene’s office door and dropped into her guest chair.
“You have that smug ‘I made a sale’ look,” Marlene said.
Ellie waved her hand dismissively. “Just a CD. It wasn’t much, but I think the commission will make my goal for the month. That’s a week earlier than last month.”
“I told you to stop gloating.”
“I’m not capable. Arrogance is my oxygen.”
“You’re my best friend, Ellie,” Marlene said. “I know that better than anyone else.”
Ellie leaned back in her chair and crossed one ankle over her knee. If Marlene had been in a better mood, she would’ve found some banter to take Ellie down a peg. As it was, she needed the normality of Ellie’s obnoxiousness to keep her sane.
“Hey did you miss a haircut?” Ellie asked.
Marlene ran a self-conscious hand through her hair. It was getting longer and starting to tickle her ears and the back of her neck. She had, in fact, canceled her last haircut. After Brad’s comments, she was afraid to keep it so short. She’d scoured the internet for a style that would be short enough to feel good while also being feminine enough to appease Brad. All she’d found was short bobs and pixie cuts that were nowhere near her new style. The idea of going back to something that didn’t fit her made her sick to her stomach, but then so did the idea of getting fired. She couldn’t make a decision so she decided to not do anything at all.
Before she’d come out, Marlene hadn’t cared much about her hair. She’d grown it out to just beyond her shoulders and thrown it up in a ponytail every day. For special occasions, she tried to turn her thin, stick-straight hair into something pretty and had always failed. Nothing felt right and she didn’t like thinking about it too much.
Then she’d gone to bed with Penelope and everything had changed. Well, the going to bed with Pen hadn’t done it. Having sex with her while wearing that suit jacket had changed things pretty significantly, though. She recognized that disinterest in her hair as displeasure. She started consuming her news exclusively from Rachel Maddow and decided that’s how she wanted to look. The first time she cut her hair, she was terrified, but she’d researched queer stylists in the DC area and found one who was as kind as she was enthusiastic. She’d cried when she saw herself in the mirror after that first cut and she hadn’t missed an appointment since.
Until two weeks ago when she panicked.
“I was busy that day. I’ll get it cut soon,” Marlene said.
She squirmed in her chair and her silk blouse clung uncomfortably to her skin. That was another thing she was trying out. She figured if she paired a woman’s blouse with her men’s suit, it might go over better. When she’d bought a new wardrobe, she’d kept all her old women’s suits and slacks. Part of the decision was concern that she’d change her mind on this new style, part was a reluctance to throw away thousands of dollars-worth of clothes just because they didn’t feel right anymore. Now she was putting them to use.
Apparently, that change hadn’t escaped Ellie’s notice, either. She sneered and asked, “What’s with the pink blouse? Is that your cleavage showing? Why do you look weird today?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Marlene avoided eye contact. “And stop looking at my boobs. It’s not professional.”
Ellie screwed up her face. “I’m not looking like that. Gross.”
“Wow, you really are making me feel great today.”
“I’m not being an ass. You just don’t look comfortable.”
“Maybe that’s ’cause my best friend said I look awful.”
“Not awful, just…” Ellie curled her lip and said, “Girly.”
Marlene rolled her eyes, but knew there wasn’t any conviction behind it. She did look girly and she hated it, but she didn’t have a choice. She shook her mouse to wake up her computer. “I have work to do and there’s a customer waiting.”
Ellie’s head whipped around just in time to see David, the other account representative, greet the newcomer. Ellie was incredibly competitive with David and she swore at seeing him beat her to a sale. She hurried to the door.
“Want to grab a beer at Riveter’s tonight?” After a beat, Ellie said, “If you go home and change first.”
Marlene turned away from her work long enough to flip her middle finger at Ellie. “No thanks. Abby’s off tonight and we’re hanging out.”
“You’ve been doing that a lot recently.” Ellie’s eyebrows waggled suggestively. “You two have been getting close.”
“No, we haven’t.”
“This is the second time you’ve turned down hanging out with me.”
Marlene still hadn’t told Ellie about the lesbian lessons. She wasn’t sure whether Ellie would mock her or be pissed she hadn’t been asked. Either way, Marlene didn’t want to deal with her friend’s feelings on the matter, so she deflected. “You turn down hanging out with me all the time.”
“Yeah, but that’s normal for me. It isn’t for you.”
“Maybe your company isn’t as unforgettable as you think it is.” Marlene went back to her reports. “Besides, we signed up for a meal kit service and our first order is being delivered today.”
“Let me get this straight.” Ellie released the door handle to turn her disbelieving gaze on Marlene. “You’re trying to deny that you’re getting close with your roommate by admitting you’re skipping a chance to flirt with women in order to go home and cook with said hot roommate?”
“Yeah.”
“Seriously?”
Marlene abandoned her spreadsheets again. “I’m not going to flirt with anyone at Riveter’s anyway.”
“Right, because the woman you want to flirt with will be in your house.”
“No. I don’t flirt with women at Riveter’s. I just sit there and watch you flirt with women,” Marlene said.
To Marlene’s surprise, Ellie blushed and sputtered. “I’m not going to flirt with anyone. I don’t know anyone there. Why would I flirt?”
Marlene scrunched her eyebrows together and adjusted her shoulders against the uncomfortable shirt. “Since when do you need to know someone to flirt with them?”
“I don’t.”
Marlene blinked and asked, “Then why won’t you flirt with them?”
“I just don’t want to.”
“Neither do I.”
“Okay then. We won’t go.” Ellie blushed even harder and scurried out of the office.
Marlene would’ve chased after her to figure out what that weirdness was all about, but her cell phone buzzed with a new message. It was a message from Abby that their meal kit had arrived, followed by a string of celebration and food related Emojis.
Abby’s excitement was so infectious, it even transferred through text. Marlene didn’t realize she was grinning like a fool until Ellie wrapped on her office window and made a faux swooning face. Marlene used her middle finger to great effect for a second time and then forced herself to truly look at her computer screen for the first time in ages. Still, the goofy grin didn’t leave her lips.
* * *
Austin yanked the door open before Abby even had time to let her hand fall. Instead of the excitement she usually showed when Abby stopped by, there was barely contained panic in her eyes.
“Whoa. Everything okay?” Abby asked.
Over Austin’s shoulder, Abby could see the motley crew that made up their D&D group milling around and chatting. The weight of their presence was clear in Austin’s strained features.
“Everything’s great.”
No sooner was the lie out of Austin’s mouth than she was hustling back to the tiny kitchen at the back of her apartment. Abby set her lute in a corner and added her strawberry, honey, and goat cheese crostini to the crowded snack table. Austin hurried back out of the kitchen, carrying a box of flavored sparkling waters to the entertainment center she’d set up as a makeshift bar.
“You look amazing.” Austin tossed the words at Abby as she dashed back into the kitchen.
Abby chuckled at her friend’s frantic pace. She was never like this when they were working at Riveter’s. It was usually impossible to shatter her calm. But having a dozen elves, mages, and bards crammed into her one-bedroom apartment was apparently enough to kick her into gear.
“She’s right you know.” Beth, their dungeon master and usual host of the festivities, arrived beside Abby. “You do look fabulous tonight. New wig?”
Abby gave a little curtsy and pretended to fluff her hair. “Not a new wig, just a new style to an old one.”
“Well, it’s fabulous. I’m so excited you got settled so you can blow us all away with Elanderose’s high fashion.”
“I’m happy, too. I hated showing up here half-dressed.”
“You could never be half-dressed, even if you don’t have your full wardrobe at your disposal,” Beth said.
Austin rushed through the room again, tossing a sweaty smile Beth’s way as she rearranged chairs around the coffee table. It would be a squeeze to get them all around the table, but they were a pretty laidback group. They could make it work.
Jacki, the only single-class warrior in their group, joined them. She had to hop forward to avoid Austin streaking through the room, and that brought her closer to Abby. Closer than was really necessary, but Jacki always did love being as close to Abby as she could get without angering her girlfriend.
“Poor Austin is going to run herself ragged. Why aren’t we at your house tonight, Beth?” Jacki asked.
Beth rolled her eyes. “My husband started another one of his projects last weekend. Ripping out the wainscoting in the dining room.”
“He hasn’t finished replacing it?” Abby asked.
“He hasn’t finished removing it. He got distracted Sunday afternoon and now we have lumber and nails all over the first floor. I told him not to do it, but you know how men are.”
“No, I don’t,” Jacki and Abby said in unison.
“Aren’t you lucky,” Beth deadpanned.
The three of them shared a laugh and Abby felt lighter than she had in months. It hadn’t occurred to her how unhappy she’d been. Not just when she’d been unsettled after Josie, but when she’d been with Josie, too. They’d been so poorly suited and it hadn’t occurred to her at the time. In fact, she rarely talked to Josie about D&D, despite how much she loved it. Part of her had known Josie wasn’t thrilled at the idea of Abby flaunting Elanderose in public.
She allowed herself a moment to wonder how Marlene would feel about it. The lesbian lessons were silly, but it was bringing them closer and Abby really liked that. Marlene seemed to enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her. And she’d certainly been interested in Abby’s look the first time she’d seen Elanderose. Maybe Abby should tell Marlene more about her D&D group. Maybe she’d want to come.
The very idea of straitlaced Marlene at D&D night made Abby giggle, and Jacki, ever attentive, picked up on it.
“It’s good to see you your old self again. You’ve got your outfits and props,” Jacki said.
Beth said, “And you’re happy again. That’s nice to see.”
Abby leaned close to Beth and raised a flirtatious eyebrow. “Wasn’t I happy before? You could’ve made me happier, you know.”
“Don’t try your flirty thing with me.” Beth laughed. “You know it won’t work.”
