MY FAVORITE BAND, page 130
I shrug. “It’s basic common decency. And I haven’t been such a good guy in the last few days.”
“It may be basic decency but most guys I’ve encountered don’t carry that trait. And you’ve still been a good guy. I get that I hurt you, and I’m still sorry for that.”
“So why’d you say dammit a second ago?” I ask, my brows drawing together.
“Because I fucked it all up between us.” She throws her hands up in frustration. “I was right there with you, so close to having it all, and then I blew it by making you so mad you wouldn’t even talk to me.”
“I’m talking to you right now,” I point out.
Her eyes lift hopefully to mine. “But what does it mean? You feel bad that I was almost attacked tonight? And then tomorrow we’ll just go back to the tense silence again?”
My chest aches at the fact that she really believes everything will go back to how it was.
Yes, I feel awful she was almost attacked, and a whole other well of emotion gnaws at me when I think about the fact that I smashed some asshole’s face in tonight regardless of whether he deserved it. And yes, those things made me see that the grudge I was holding against her was childish even though it really didn’t seem like it at the time. And, of course, I have no idea what this means for our future.
But things can’t go back to the tense silence again.
Not after what we’ve been through, and not after I realized tonight how much I need her. I need her safe, I need her protected, and I need her by my side.
“Do you want to try this?” I ask.
“God yes,” she murmurs. “More than anything.”
I take a step closer to her, and then another, and then I’m standing between her legs as she still sits on the counter. “Then it won’t go back to silence,” I say softly. “It can’t. Not after everything that’s happened.”
“With that jerk in the alley?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No. With us.”
And after I say the words, I drop my lips to hers for the first time in far too long.
CHAPTER 41
“Is this okay?” I ask, leaning my forehead to hers. I back up and look at her.
“It’s absolutely okay.” Her eyes are heavy and full of lust. Her mouth finds mine again. “I need this. I need you,” she says against my lips, and she links her arms around my neck. She pulls back a beat. “But before we do this, I have two things to say. I need to tell you something and I need to know something.”
“What?” I whisper, my eyes on hers. They’re too close but I don’t care. I’m just happy to be in the place I never thought I’d be again.
“I don’t rely on the pill anymore. I have an IUD. And I still want you to wear a condom because you can’t be too safe.”
“Noted and agreed.” I press a soft kiss to her lips. “And what do you need to know?”
“Are we okay?”
“Yeah,” I murmur. “We’re okay.” We have a lot of questions to answer, and we have a lot of logistics to work out. I still don’t know how kids figure into my future and what sort of role she wants me to play with her little girl—or even when I’ll get the chance to meet her—but there’s one thing I do know.
I want to give this a try with her.
No matter what that means.
I’ve been unsure about whether I want kids, but if one comes as a package deal with the woman I’m falling for...then maybe unsure will turn into sure.
Maybe all this time I was just with the wrong woman, and that’s what made me so uncertain about what I really wanted—that’s what made me so stubbornly against what society expected of me. I didn’t want marriage and kids because the future with her looked a lot different than it looks with Ruby.
And now...well, my entire belief system seems to be shifting.
Her mouth collides with mine, and I pull her body until she’s straddling my waist and she’s no longer sitting on the counter. I hold her under her ass and carry her to my bedroom. Tonight’s not for stairwells or hammocks or kitchen counters.
Tonight I’ll take my time.
I’ll worship her body with mine, I’ll pray at her altar, and I’ll adore her with everything I have inside me.
When we get to my bedroom, I kick the door shut behind me then set her gently on my bed. I pull her shirt over her head and toss it to the ground, and then I kneel between her legs as my fingertips caress her soft skin, up her arms to her shoulders with her hair cascading around them, down over her chest but stopping short of her breasts, and back to her arms before I trace upward to her neck. She closes her eyes and tips her neck back, a soft sigh escaping her lips at my gentle touch.
She grabs for the hem of my shirt and tugs, and I lift it up over my head and toss it to the ground beside me. Her fingertips glide along my skin, too, down to my abs, which she fingers one by one, and up to my biceps, where she squeezes before she links her arms around my neck.
Our faces are inches apart, my palms resting on her thighs as she leans closer to me. “Whatever happens, Kane, I want you to know that I’m falling in love with you. Right here in this moment, and for the last two months, and not just because I had a crush on you and your insane talent before I met you, and not just because you’re hot as fuck, and not just because you’re kind and gentle and unlike anyone else, and not just because you saved me tonight. For all those reasons, but also because I’ve never had a man look at me the way you do, and if what you feel for me in here,” she taps near my heart, “is even a fraction of what’s in your eyes when you look at me, then I am one lucky girl.”
“It’s a hell of a lot more than a fraction,” I murmur. “I’m falling for you, too.” I rub her thighs over her jeans with my palms. “Not just for the insane beauty everyone sees on the outside, but for the crazy beautiful heart you have. Not just for the feisty and strong woman you project to the world that’s a huge part of who you are, but for the vulnerable and sweet girl you let me see. Not just for the way you dream so big, but for the way you’re also rooted in reality. All those things, but also how hard and fierce you love, how selfless and giving you are as a mother, and how tender your soul is. And if you’ll love me even a fraction of how much you love Charlie, I’ll count myself the luckiest man in the world.”
She swipes at a tear before her mouth collides with mine. We kiss leisurely because we have whatever time we need tonight. We kiss tenderly because this isn’t a quick fuck in a hammock. It’s more. It’s the physical act of the real feelings we just confessed for each other. It’s a manifestation of what we’ve had to suppress while I sulked in anger and she left me alone because she thought what she did was beyond repair.
As I’ve noted many times before in my life, nothing lasts forever.
Even anger.
She unhooks her bra, and her breasts smash between our bodies as she wraps her legs around my waist and pulls herself against me. We kiss like we have forever, and maybe we do.
I break apart from her to get a condom, and while I’m up, she slides her jeans and panties down her legs. I do the same and roll on the condom, and when I return to the bed, she’s lying on her back. I climb over the top of her and hover there for a few beats. I feel her heat beneath me, and then I grasp my dick in my fist, align it with her body, and slide into her warmth.
We rock together on the bed, me on top of her, and she wraps her arms and legs around me. We kiss gently as we move in a steady, slow rhythm, and she feels so damn good that I know it won’t last much longer.
I don’t switch my position, though. I can’t. This is pure perfection as I thrust into her and her hips shift up to meet mine. I move my lips down to her neck as I start to come, grunts and groans filling the air around us. Her body squeezes more tightly around mine as her moans start to get a little louder with a little more abandon. Her cunt squeezes my dick snugly just as I finish coming. Her nails dig into my shoulder blades as she lets out one last, long moan, and then she relaxes back into the bed, her arms falling to her sides and her legs letting go of their clasp on me.
I collapse onto the bed beside her, both of us panting. Her hand finds mine, and she turns into me, her tits brushing against my arm. She squeezes my hand in hers.
“Thank you for making me feel safe and protected and loved,” she whispers.
I respond with another gentle kiss. “I’ll always do my best to be what you need.”
Once we clean up and we return to the bed, we’re snuggling naked beneath my blankets when she breaks the comfortable silence. “I feel the need to clarify something.”
“What?” I murmur, nearly asleep.
“I just want you to know that Charlie...well, she’s my responsibility. I’m not looking for a father for her. She already has one. While it’s important to me that whoever I end up with gets along with her, I certainly am not on the hunt for a baby daddy, nor do I expect that out of anyone.” She pauses, and even in the darkness of my bedroom, I can feel her eyes on me. “I just mean that if we’re serious about giving this a try, for now you’ll be her mom’s boyfriend to her. I don’t expect you to know what you’re doing, because I sure as hell don’t and I’m with her all the time. I don’t expect you to try to be her father. I expect you to try to be a friend for now, and if this gets serious, then we can revisit the conversation.”
For some reason, a bit of relief crawls up my spine. It’s not that I thought that’s what she wanted out of me, but I have no idea what to do with kids or how to handle them—little girls in particular. I raised my brothers, but they were two years older than Charlie is now, they were boys, and it was nearly fifteen years ago. “I appreciate you saying that. Can I be honest with you?”
“Always,” she says into the darkness.
“I’m a little terrified,” I admit on a whisper.
“Me too, Kane. Me too.”
CHAPTER 42
I’m nervous as I drive to Long Beach. It’s the first time I’m heading that direction with an actual invitation rather than a surprise drop in.
Ruby’s grandmother is having me over for dinner, and today I’m not meeting just one important person in Ruby’s life...I’m meeting the two most important ones. As if meeting her grandmother wouldn’t be enough pressure, I’m also meeting her daughter—the one I didn’t even know she had until I found out by mistake.
I have a bouquet of flowers on the passenger seat for her grandmother and I also bought some cupcakes for Charlie. All kids love cupcakes, right? And I got purple with sprinkles because I was listening when Ruby was telling me all about her daughter.
I thought about looking for some kind of unicorn toy, but I didn’t want to go overboard for this first meeting. Cupcakes are sufficient.
I think.
I pull up to the house and put the car in park. I sit for a minute and draw in a deep breath.
Ruby’s words from last night come back to me. I don’t expect you to know what you’re doing, because I sure as hell don’t.
The sentiment is comforting because I really have no idea what I’m doing here. It helps to know I’m not alone.
But it’s not just the nerves of meeting the important people in Ruby’s life. It extends far beyond that. I was nervous to meet Sierra’s parents all those years ago, and it turned out fine. There’s a kid involved here, though, and it’s much more of a two-way street. What if I meet her and realize being with someone who’s raising a little girl just isn’t for me?
On the other hand...what if the opposite happens? What if I meet her and realize this is what’s been missing from my life? I’ve been so wrapped up in thinking the guys in my band were doing it all wrong by giving into society’s norms and pressures, but what if they actually had it right the whole time and I was the one who was just blindly and stubbornly believing what I wanted to?
And it’s not just that.
What if that little girl hates me? What if she resents me for being with her mother?
I won’t know until I get inside this house, and so I finally gather the gifts I brought along, open my door, and start the trek toward the front door.
Ruby answers, her hair a little disheveled and her cheeks a little pink but as gorgeous as ever, and she steps out onto the front porch before closing the door behind her.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
She rolls her eyes. “She just threw a tantrum because I wanted to wash her blanket. God forbid I try to clean that gross thing. I sent her to her room and Grandma’s in there now with her trying to convince her to give up the blanket for the laundry.”
“Sounds pretty traumatic.” I set the flowers and cupcakes down on the bench swing.
She leans into me and rests her head on my chest for a beat. “It’s typical.”
“I meant for her.”
She chuckles, and then she backs up a step and looks at me. “Oh, you’re serious.”
“She goes back and forth between your house and her father’s, right?”
Ruby nods.
“And you’re here a lot of the time, but you’re also gone some of the time because of your career, right?”
She nods again. “Yeah. What’s the point?”
“That blanket might be the one constant in her life, Ruby. The one thing she can’t bear to part from, and I get that. My brothers had these awful stuffed monkeys that they brought with them every time we went from one house to the other. They would have fought to the death for those stupid things. I remember one time, Josh left it at my dad’s house, and I ended up riding my bike almost ten miles one way in the rain at midnight just so he wouldn’t have to sleep without it.”
Her brows draw down, and she stares at me for a beat. I can’t tell what she’s thinking, and I’m worried I’ve already stepped over some imaginary line she drew that I was unaware of.
She shakes her head, and then she leans up on her tiptoes for a short kiss. “You are amazing. Do you know that?”
“Tell me again,” I murmur into her hair, and she laughs.
“You ready?” she asks.
I nod. “Yeah, I’m ready. Blanket or not, tantrum or smiles, just as she is.” She smiles and turns toward the door, and I add, “You said she’s exactly like you, so I think I already love her.”
She turns back to me. “Love?”
“We said it last night, babe. You’re falling in love with me, and I said I’m falling for you too, but I lied.”
Her brows dip down, and I grab her back into my arms.
“I’m not falling,” I say, giving her a smile. “I’m already there.”
She looks up at me. “I’m already there, too,” she says, and then she kisses me once more before she pulls back, grabs my hand, and leads me to the door. “Come on in.”
Floral print couches and wingback chairs decorate the living room just inside the front door, and she leads me through the hallway and into the kitchen, where an older woman and a little girl sit giggling at the table, a bowl of goldfish crackers in between them.
“Mommy, watch,” she says, and she tosses a goldfish up into the air, tries to catch it, and completely misses when it hits her square in the forehead. She bursts into giggles, and her great-grandma laughs along with her.
“Good try, baby!” Ruby says in a totally different voice than I’ve ever heard her use. I’ll call it her mom voice. “Girls, I have someone to introduce you to.”
All eyes in the room turn to me, and my heart pounds.
“This is mommy’s friend Kane. Kane, this is Charlie,” she says, squeezing her daughter’s shoulders, “and my grandma.”
“Rosemary,” she says, and she stands. Her hair is white and her face is wrinkled but I still see a lot of Ruby in her. “Pleased to meet you.”
“It’s my pleasure,” I say, gripping her hand in mine, and she winks at me. “These are for you,” I say, handing Rosemary the flowers. “And these are for you,” I say, setting the cupcakes in front of Charlie.
Her eyes light up and her mouth forms an O shape. She looks up at me. “You brought these for me?” she asks, shock in her little voice.
I nod. “You might have to share them with the rest of us, though.”
Ruby catches my eye and smiles at me.
“I will! Pinkie promise! Can I have one now, Mommy? Your new friend is so awesome!”
A dart of satisfaction rushes through my chest. She approves.
“After dinner,” Ruby says, and she taps Charlie’s nose. “And if you’re really good, maybe you can have two.”
“My mom used to let me have two after dinner but only when I would put my blanket in the washing machine all by myself,” I say.
Her eyes widen. “Can I, Mom? Can I, can I, can I?”
Ruby shoots me a grateful look. “You bet! Go grab your blanket and let’s put it in the washer together.”
“Yes!” she says, and she stands, makes a fist, and punches the air with total abandoned excitement.
Ruby and Charlie leave to grab her blanket, and Rosemary looks at me with a twinkle in her eye.
“Yeah,” she says, and she smiles at me. “I think you’ll fit in just fine with those two.”
CHAPTER 43
“I can’t believe how well that went,” Ruby says. We’re on the porch swing, her head snuggled into the nook of my shoulder and my arm resting comfortably around her. We just tucked Charlie into bed—together—and her grandmother went to bed, too. “Like, shockingly good considering the rough start we had right before you got here.”
“I can’t pretend like I’ll always be able to swoop in with cupcakes to solve every problem, but I’m glad I could help tonight.”
A comfortable beat of silence passes, and then she asks, “How are you feeling about everything?”
I lift my other shoulder. “I don’t really know. I haven’t had time to really categorize what I’m feeling, but honestly it felt like the greatest thing in the world when I earned her approval within seconds of meeting her.”
