Finding Carly, page 15
“He was gone a lot. He worked long hours and he spent most of his free time with his poker buddies,” Carly said with a shrug. “I have to admit that really bothered me about Shawn…the amount of time he spent with his friends. He’d sometimes invite them over even when I was there. Many times I ended up leaving and going back to my apartment, and he’d call me later and ask when I’d left. It was pretty telling that he didn’t even notice me leaving.”
Jag brought a hand up and smoothed it over her head. She rested her cheek on his shoulder and began to play with the buttons on his shirt.
“My mom left when I was young,” Jag said. “I don’t even remember her, and Dad never talked about her. I remember asking why I didn’t have a mother once, and he got really upset, so I never asked about her again. But my dad was a guy’s guy…you know the type. Really into cars and football, always telling me boys shouldn’t cry. Had a new girlfriend every other month, and he drank a lot of beer. He was always telling me to man-up, to stop being a pussy, things like that.
“I tried my best to be just like him, but I always seemed to fall short. I didn’t love the things he did, and it took a toll on me, constantly trying to impress him. It was exhausting.”
“I know how that feels,” Carly said softly.
“Yeah. I was on the football team in high school, and my ol’ man was so proud. But I wasn’t really very good. I wasn’t big enough to be a good linebacker. I was a fast runner, so the coach tried to turn me into a wide receiver, but I couldn’t catch the ball worth shit, so that didn’t last long. Interestingly enough, though I couldn’t catch, I could throw. So eventually I settled into the quarterback position.”
“Really?” Carly asked, sitting up so she could see Jag’s face more clearly. “You were the freaking quarterback? Jeez, Jag, that’s like being high school royalty.”
His lips twitched and he shook his head. “It would be if I actually got any field time. I was the backup to the backup quarterback. I spent most of my time standing on the sidelines during games. I think I played about ten minutes in my entire four years.”
“Oh,” Carly said, lying back down. “I’m sure you were great during those ten minutes,” she told him.
Jag loved how supportive she was, but he didn’t want to mislead her. “I had two interceptions, ten missed passes, and a grand total of thirty-seven yards gained.”
“Well, that’s thirty-seven more yards than I had,” she said with a goofy grin.
He shook his head. “My point is, I was always a disappointment to my dad. I didn’t go to my junior or senior prom and wasn’t that interested in girls.” Jag’s heart rate sped up. He was getting dangerously close to thinking about a time in his life that he really just wanted to forget.
“He has to be proud of the fact that you’re a SEAL,” Carly said after a moment.
Jag relaxed a fraction, now that they were veering away from his childhood. He shrugged. “I guess.”
“You guess?” Carly asked in disbelief. “Jag, you’re the best of the best in the Navy. You’re doing amazing things for our country. You put your life on the line constantly, even though no one knows exactly what you do. And if your dad wanted a son who was a ‘man’s man,’ you are the epitome of that.”
He liked the defensiveness in her tone a little too much. He hadn’t had anyone who’d really stood up for him growing up. If something happened at school, his dad had just told him to suck it up and deal.
“He wanted me to go into the Marines,” Jag said. “His father was a Marine, and to him, that’s the best branch of the Armed Forces. He told me more than once that the Navy was for wimps.”
“Oh, good Lord,” Carly said with a shake of her head. “He’s an idiot.”
Jag couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I’m serious,” she huffed. “For the record, Jag, I think you’re incredible. And you’re more of a man’s man than anyone I’ve ever met. It has nothing to do with guzzling beer and sitting on a couch and watching football. It’s about more important things. You’re protective and bossy, which are both traits I associate with men—sorry, but it’s true. More than that, you pay attention and listen to what’s going on around you. You take everything in, then act if needed.
“Like when you dropped me off at Food For All last week, and Lexie was carrying on about the spiderwebs in the corners of the ceiling, complaining that she couldn’t reach them and was genuinely afraid to walk under them because she thought a spider was going to fall on her head. Elodie and Ashlyn made fun of her, and even I thought it was a little funny. But when you came back to pick me up, you brought a ladder and you cleared every single spiderweb.
“Every time we walk from the parking lot to Food For All, you take the outside of the sidewalk. You make me stay in the car while you come around and open my door. And I know that’s not just you being polite; you’re checking out the area, looking for anyone or anything you think might be a danger to me. You texted me almost every day when I was too scared to leave my apartment, and you came over when I needed you.
“To me, that’s being a man’s man. Being helpful. Protective. Considerate. Perceptive. Most men wouldn’t have stuck with me for so long when I was hiding out. Not only that, but you haven’t pushed yourself on me sexually. Haven’t asked for more than I’m ready to give. Not once have you made me feel as if I’m just another notch on your bedpost. I know what society believes is appropriate behavior for a guy, but I’m very happy that you’re exactly the way you are.”
Jag couldn’t take his gaze from the woman staring back at him with wide eyes. She was practically winded by the time she’d finished having her say, and Jag knew he’d remember this moment for the rest of his life.
He’d worked hard to be the man he was now. It wasn’t always easy, especially with his father constantly judging every decision he made, but Carly’s words made everything he’d done in his life worthwhile.
“Sorry,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “I just think it’s ridiculous that you somehow think you don’t measure up to anyone’s idea of what’s masculine and what isn’t.”
“I…” Jag stopped and cleared his throat before he could continue. “Thank you.”
She nodded and snuggled closer. “Besides, you’re also a hell of a good kisser. That has to count toward manliness too.”
Jag couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that burst out of him.
Carly grinned. “I like you smiling and laughing a lot more than you being all introspective and finding yourself wanting,” she told him.
“Me too,” he agreed. “Tell me more about yourself,” he ordered.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
She laughed once more. “Can you maybe narrow it down a bit?”
“How’d you end up in Hawaii?” he asked with a small grin.
“After I got my associate degree, I didn’t really want to spend another two years in school. I wasn’t a great student, got mostly B’s and C’s, and decided I wanted to do something different. Something exciting. At least more exciting than staying in my hometown in Illinois. I remembered the pictures one of my friends in high school showed me of a vacation she took out here, and I was so jealous. So on a whim, I bought a one-way ticket to Honolulu. I was young, and kinda dumb, and came out here without a plan. I had a thousand bucks that I’d saved up and was full of hopes and dreams.
“The first two years were great. I stayed in a hostel downtown at first, met some cool people, couch surfed for a while before settling down in a very crappy studio apartment.” Carly chuckled. “I can’t believe how great I thought it was. I worked a few waitressing jobs, then got the gig at Duke’s. I made enough to trade in the studio apartment for the one I currently have.”
She got quiet, and Jag knew what was coming next. “Then you met Shawn.”
“Yeah. He wasn’t always an asshole,” she said a little defensively. “At first he was kind, and quite the gentleman. He definitely wooed me. I was leery at first, because he was so much older than me…and I’d dated some older guys. But eventually he won me over. Then he slowly began to change, and I didn’t realize it at first. It was little things here and there, that I could easily blow off because everything else about him seemed so great.
“I feel so stupid for staying with him after the first time he manhandled me. He apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. Said that if I tried harder not to make him mad, he’d be able to control himself in the future. He made me think it was my fault he’d shoved me against the wall so hard, I knocked my head against the plaster and had a headache for three days.”
Jag growled low in his throat. “What a guy decides to do is never a woman’s fault. We all have free will. One thing I hate hearing is when someone blames a woman for being assaulted because of the clothes she wore, or because of something she said, or the way she acted. A guy doesn’t get a free pass because he can’t control his own lust or anger around a woman.”
“Yeah,” Carly agreed. “Shawn had already begun to belittle me, made me feel incredibly naïve and stupid compared to him. Thank goodness I never moved in with him. I totally get why people stay with abusive partners though. It was incredibly hard to break up with him, even though I had my own bank account and place to live. If I had no place to go and no money to move, or if we had children, I can imagine it would’ve been next to impossible.”
Jag nodded. “That’s one of the reasons I wholeheartedly support Food For All. A number of their patrons are single parents who’ve left abusive relationships.”
“Same. Speaking of which, there’s a big catered thing tomorrow at Duke’s. Some company is bringing in all their employees. They rented out the entire restaurant for two hours. I assume there’s going to be a lot of leftover food, so I volunteered us to bring it to Food For All. I hope that’s okay.”
“Of course it is,” Jag told her. Then he asked something that had been nagging at him. “Now that you’ve been here a while…you ever think about moving back to the mainland?”
“No way,” Carly said. “Yes, there are a lot of bad memories here, not to mention I keep running into Shawn’s friends and that sucks, but I love Hawaii. I love the energy, the sunshine, the people. I can’t imagine going back to Illinois and the cold winters. What about you? Will the Navy be moving you anytime soon?”
He could hear the concern in her voice.
“It’s always a possibility,” he said honestly. “The government can do whatever they want, no matter what they’ve promised. But when the team agreed to come out here, one of the stipulations was that we’d be here for at least five years. That’s an eternity in the military.”
“Good,” Carly said.
“Not to change the subject, but how are you doing with everything, angel?” Jag asked. “Honestly. There have been a lot of changes in your life recently, and it has to be a little overwhelming.”
Carly sighed. “It is. But I’m actually surprised at how well I’m coping. I mean, at first, stepping foot outside my apartment seemed like the hardest thing in the world, and now I’m working again, and even seeing Shawn’s friends hasn’t sent me back to the terrified blob I was not too long ago.” She looked up at him. “I have you to thank.”
Jag shook his head. “No, you don’t. It’s all you.”
She laughed in disbelief. “Um, no. If it was up to me, I’d still be cowering in my apartment. You make me feel braver, Jag. Just by being here. Sometimes when I get scared, I think about what you’d tell me to do, and it gives me the courage to get through whatever it is I’m struggling with.”
“I think you’re giving me more credit than you should,” Jag told her. “But I’ll take it if it means you’ll continue to blossom like you have.”
Her cheeks turned pink. “Did Elizabeth really make it through SEAL Hell Week?”
“Yes.”
“She’s amazing. And kind of scary,” Carly admitted. “But she’s inspiring and has really given me a lot to think about when it comes to personal safety. Now when I’m out at the store, or even in the car with Kenna headed to Duke’s, I think about what I’d do if something happened. I’m more aware of my surroundings.”
“That’s great, angel. That’s exactly what I wanted you to get out of the sessions with her. Yes, knowing how to break a hold or where to punch and hit someone so you can get away from them is important, but it’s also just as vital to be able to recognize danger before it can touch you.”
“I didn’t notice it as much before, but now I can see that’s what you do all the time. You’re constantly on the lookout for trouble.”
“Does that bother you?” Jag asked.
“Not at all. It makes me feel even more safe when I’m with you.”
Jag stretched out and rolled them until Carly was under him. He propped himself up on an elbow so he didn’t crush her. “You will always be safe with me. You can also talk to me about anything. Anything, Carly. If you’re scared, nervous, happy, excited, or any other emotion. I will listen without judgement. Okay?”
Carly stared up at him and nodded. “All right. And you know the same applies to me, right? I know you can’t talk about specifics with your job, but if you’re having trouble dealing with something that happened on a mission, I’ll listen. I won’t judge you for anything that you’ve done, or not done.”
Her words sank into his soul, filling in the cracks that had formed so long ago. He’d never in his life felt as if he had someone he could be completely honest with. Not his judgmental father, not his classmates, not even his SEAL teammates. And not because he didn’t trust them with his life, but because he didn’t think they’d understand what he’d survived.
But Carly would. She wouldn’t judge him, would probably get extremely pissed off on his behalf.
“What’s that smile for?” she asked.
Jag hadn’t even realized he’d grinned while thinking about Carly being defensive on his behalf. “Nothing. But thank you. Knowing I’ve got you to talk to means the world to me.”
“Good.”
“One more thing before we find more interesting and fun things to do,” Jag said. His hands itched to touch her. He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in her kisses. But this was important.
Carly smiled coyly as she ran her hands up his chest. “Interesting and fun sounds good.”
Jag caught a roaming hand with his free one and brought it up to his mouth and kissed her fingers. “I’m not thrilled about Shawn’s cronies suddenly showing up everywhere you are. Baker hasn’t found anything incriminating on anyone, much to his frustration, but that doesn’t mean someone isn’t still out there who wants to finish what Shawn started.”
Carly sighed. “I know.”
“I just need you to be careful, angel. Remember what you’re learning in your self-defense classes. I don’t want you to go back to being terrified of people, but I need you to be aware of your surroundings at all times.”
“I am. I will,” she said. “If something happens…you’ll come find me, right?”
“Nothing in this world would stop me from not only finding you, but making whoever dared fucking touch what’s mine pay.” Jag knew he sounded a bit bloodthirsty, but Carly didn’t even blink.
“Okay.”
“You can’t ever give up fighting though, angel.”
“I won’t.”
“I mean it. No matter how bleak things seem, don’t lose hope in me. Or my team. Or Baker. Or your friends. I will turn over every single damn rock on this island to get to you, but you can’t ever give up, understand?”
She nodded, then got a thoughtful look on her face.
“What? What’s going through your head right now?” Jag asked.
“Most guys would probably tell me not to think like that at all. Would tell me nothing’s going to happen, that I’ll be fine.”
“First, I’m not most men. Second, I wish to God I could tell you that you’ll be fine. That I’ll keep you safe. But I’ve learned that what we want to happen isn’t always what does happen. I want you to be prepared for anything, and if I sit here and tell you that all is well, that you’re safe, that nothing bad will ever happen to you, I’m doing you a disservice.
“Life is fucking hard. It’s not all birthday parties, doughnuts, and pretty pictures on Instagram. It’s falling down and skinning your knees, it’s losing people before they’ve gotten to live out their lives, it’s cancer, chronic diseases, and bullies getting away with being assholes. I need you to be strong enough to weather those storms, both with me by your side and when you’re on your own. As a couple, we’re only as strong as we are individually. I can’t be with you every minute of every day, no matter how much I want to. If shit happens, I need you to fight, angel. Fight for yourself. Fight for me. Fight for us.”
Tears formed in Carly’s eyes as she stared up at him. “I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. I know you go into horrible situations on missions. Dangerous ones. With bullets flying and stuff. I need you to promise the same thing. If you get captured, or shot, or whatever, please hold on until you’re rescued or see a doctor.”
“I promise,” Jag said. This conversation felt like they were taking vows. And in a way, they were. He cleared his throat once again. They’d had some pretty emotional conversations tonight, and he was ready to move things into more pleasurable territory.
“You good?” he asked.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yup. You want to watch TV? I could put on a movie. Make us some popcorn or some other snack,” he suggested.
“Or…?”
“You have something else in mind? A card game or something?” he teased.
She laughed. “Or something.” Carly reached up and palmed the back of his head and did her best to force him closer.
Jag smiled, resisting. “You want something, angel?”
“Yes. You,” she said simply.
“I’m yours,” Jag told her, then let her lower his head.
They made out on the couch for what seemed like hours. When Jag was with Carly, nothing else mattered. Not his past, not the present, and definitely not what might await them in the future. It was only the two of them, lost in passion, in each other.
Jag brought a hand up and smoothed it over her head. She rested her cheek on his shoulder and began to play with the buttons on his shirt.
“My mom left when I was young,” Jag said. “I don’t even remember her, and Dad never talked about her. I remember asking why I didn’t have a mother once, and he got really upset, so I never asked about her again. But my dad was a guy’s guy…you know the type. Really into cars and football, always telling me boys shouldn’t cry. Had a new girlfriend every other month, and he drank a lot of beer. He was always telling me to man-up, to stop being a pussy, things like that.
“I tried my best to be just like him, but I always seemed to fall short. I didn’t love the things he did, and it took a toll on me, constantly trying to impress him. It was exhausting.”
“I know how that feels,” Carly said softly.
“Yeah. I was on the football team in high school, and my ol’ man was so proud. But I wasn’t really very good. I wasn’t big enough to be a good linebacker. I was a fast runner, so the coach tried to turn me into a wide receiver, but I couldn’t catch the ball worth shit, so that didn’t last long. Interestingly enough, though I couldn’t catch, I could throw. So eventually I settled into the quarterback position.”
“Really?” Carly asked, sitting up so she could see Jag’s face more clearly. “You were the freaking quarterback? Jeez, Jag, that’s like being high school royalty.”
His lips twitched and he shook his head. “It would be if I actually got any field time. I was the backup to the backup quarterback. I spent most of my time standing on the sidelines during games. I think I played about ten minutes in my entire four years.”
“Oh,” Carly said, lying back down. “I’m sure you were great during those ten minutes,” she told him.
Jag loved how supportive she was, but he didn’t want to mislead her. “I had two interceptions, ten missed passes, and a grand total of thirty-seven yards gained.”
“Well, that’s thirty-seven more yards than I had,” she said with a goofy grin.
He shook his head. “My point is, I was always a disappointment to my dad. I didn’t go to my junior or senior prom and wasn’t that interested in girls.” Jag’s heart rate sped up. He was getting dangerously close to thinking about a time in his life that he really just wanted to forget.
“He has to be proud of the fact that you’re a SEAL,” Carly said after a moment.
Jag relaxed a fraction, now that they were veering away from his childhood. He shrugged. “I guess.”
“You guess?” Carly asked in disbelief. “Jag, you’re the best of the best in the Navy. You’re doing amazing things for our country. You put your life on the line constantly, even though no one knows exactly what you do. And if your dad wanted a son who was a ‘man’s man,’ you are the epitome of that.”
He liked the defensiveness in her tone a little too much. He hadn’t had anyone who’d really stood up for him growing up. If something happened at school, his dad had just told him to suck it up and deal.
“He wanted me to go into the Marines,” Jag said. “His father was a Marine, and to him, that’s the best branch of the Armed Forces. He told me more than once that the Navy was for wimps.”
“Oh, good Lord,” Carly said with a shake of her head. “He’s an idiot.”
Jag couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I’m serious,” she huffed. “For the record, Jag, I think you’re incredible. And you’re more of a man’s man than anyone I’ve ever met. It has nothing to do with guzzling beer and sitting on a couch and watching football. It’s about more important things. You’re protective and bossy, which are both traits I associate with men—sorry, but it’s true. More than that, you pay attention and listen to what’s going on around you. You take everything in, then act if needed.
“Like when you dropped me off at Food For All last week, and Lexie was carrying on about the spiderwebs in the corners of the ceiling, complaining that she couldn’t reach them and was genuinely afraid to walk under them because she thought a spider was going to fall on her head. Elodie and Ashlyn made fun of her, and even I thought it was a little funny. But when you came back to pick me up, you brought a ladder and you cleared every single spiderweb.
“Every time we walk from the parking lot to Food For All, you take the outside of the sidewalk. You make me stay in the car while you come around and open my door. And I know that’s not just you being polite; you’re checking out the area, looking for anyone or anything you think might be a danger to me. You texted me almost every day when I was too scared to leave my apartment, and you came over when I needed you.
“To me, that’s being a man’s man. Being helpful. Protective. Considerate. Perceptive. Most men wouldn’t have stuck with me for so long when I was hiding out. Not only that, but you haven’t pushed yourself on me sexually. Haven’t asked for more than I’m ready to give. Not once have you made me feel as if I’m just another notch on your bedpost. I know what society believes is appropriate behavior for a guy, but I’m very happy that you’re exactly the way you are.”
Jag couldn’t take his gaze from the woman staring back at him with wide eyes. She was practically winded by the time she’d finished having her say, and Jag knew he’d remember this moment for the rest of his life.
He’d worked hard to be the man he was now. It wasn’t always easy, especially with his father constantly judging every decision he made, but Carly’s words made everything he’d done in his life worthwhile.
“Sorry,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “I just think it’s ridiculous that you somehow think you don’t measure up to anyone’s idea of what’s masculine and what isn’t.”
“I…” Jag stopped and cleared his throat before he could continue. “Thank you.”
She nodded and snuggled closer. “Besides, you’re also a hell of a good kisser. That has to count toward manliness too.”
Jag couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that burst out of him.
Carly grinned. “I like you smiling and laughing a lot more than you being all introspective and finding yourself wanting,” she told him.
“Me too,” he agreed. “Tell me more about yourself,” he ordered.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
She laughed once more. “Can you maybe narrow it down a bit?”
“How’d you end up in Hawaii?” he asked with a small grin.
“After I got my associate degree, I didn’t really want to spend another two years in school. I wasn’t a great student, got mostly B’s and C’s, and decided I wanted to do something different. Something exciting. At least more exciting than staying in my hometown in Illinois. I remembered the pictures one of my friends in high school showed me of a vacation she took out here, and I was so jealous. So on a whim, I bought a one-way ticket to Honolulu. I was young, and kinda dumb, and came out here without a plan. I had a thousand bucks that I’d saved up and was full of hopes and dreams.
“The first two years were great. I stayed in a hostel downtown at first, met some cool people, couch surfed for a while before settling down in a very crappy studio apartment.” Carly chuckled. “I can’t believe how great I thought it was. I worked a few waitressing jobs, then got the gig at Duke’s. I made enough to trade in the studio apartment for the one I currently have.”
She got quiet, and Jag knew what was coming next. “Then you met Shawn.”
“Yeah. He wasn’t always an asshole,” she said a little defensively. “At first he was kind, and quite the gentleman. He definitely wooed me. I was leery at first, because he was so much older than me…and I’d dated some older guys. But eventually he won me over. Then he slowly began to change, and I didn’t realize it at first. It was little things here and there, that I could easily blow off because everything else about him seemed so great.
“I feel so stupid for staying with him after the first time he manhandled me. He apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. Said that if I tried harder not to make him mad, he’d be able to control himself in the future. He made me think it was my fault he’d shoved me against the wall so hard, I knocked my head against the plaster and had a headache for three days.”
Jag growled low in his throat. “What a guy decides to do is never a woman’s fault. We all have free will. One thing I hate hearing is when someone blames a woman for being assaulted because of the clothes she wore, or because of something she said, or the way she acted. A guy doesn’t get a free pass because he can’t control his own lust or anger around a woman.”
“Yeah,” Carly agreed. “Shawn had already begun to belittle me, made me feel incredibly naïve and stupid compared to him. Thank goodness I never moved in with him. I totally get why people stay with abusive partners though. It was incredibly hard to break up with him, even though I had my own bank account and place to live. If I had no place to go and no money to move, or if we had children, I can imagine it would’ve been next to impossible.”
Jag nodded. “That’s one of the reasons I wholeheartedly support Food For All. A number of their patrons are single parents who’ve left abusive relationships.”
“Same. Speaking of which, there’s a big catered thing tomorrow at Duke’s. Some company is bringing in all their employees. They rented out the entire restaurant for two hours. I assume there’s going to be a lot of leftover food, so I volunteered us to bring it to Food For All. I hope that’s okay.”
“Of course it is,” Jag told her. Then he asked something that had been nagging at him. “Now that you’ve been here a while…you ever think about moving back to the mainland?”
“No way,” Carly said. “Yes, there are a lot of bad memories here, not to mention I keep running into Shawn’s friends and that sucks, but I love Hawaii. I love the energy, the sunshine, the people. I can’t imagine going back to Illinois and the cold winters. What about you? Will the Navy be moving you anytime soon?”
He could hear the concern in her voice.
“It’s always a possibility,” he said honestly. “The government can do whatever they want, no matter what they’ve promised. But when the team agreed to come out here, one of the stipulations was that we’d be here for at least five years. That’s an eternity in the military.”
“Good,” Carly said.
“Not to change the subject, but how are you doing with everything, angel?” Jag asked. “Honestly. There have been a lot of changes in your life recently, and it has to be a little overwhelming.”
Carly sighed. “It is. But I’m actually surprised at how well I’m coping. I mean, at first, stepping foot outside my apartment seemed like the hardest thing in the world, and now I’m working again, and even seeing Shawn’s friends hasn’t sent me back to the terrified blob I was not too long ago.” She looked up at him. “I have you to thank.”
Jag shook his head. “No, you don’t. It’s all you.”
She laughed in disbelief. “Um, no. If it was up to me, I’d still be cowering in my apartment. You make me feel braver, Jag. Just by being here. Sometimes when I get scared, I think about what you’d tell me to do, and it gives me the courage to get through whatever it is I’m struggling with.”
“I think you’re giving me more credit than you should,” Jag told her. “But I’ll take it if it means you’ll continue to blossom like you have.”
Her cheeks turned pink. “Did Elizabeth really make it through SEAL Hell Week?”
“Yes.”
“She’s amazing. And kind of scary,” Carly admitted. “But she’s inspiring and has really given me a lot to think about when it comes to personal safety. Now when I’m out at the store, or even in the car with Kenna headed to Duke’s, I think about what I’d do if something happened. I’m more aware of my surroundings.”
“That’s great, angel. That’s exactly what I wanted you to get out of the sessions with her. Yes, knowing how to break a hold or where to punch and hit someone so you can get away from them is important, but it’s also just as vital to be able to recognize danger before it can touch you.”
“I didn’t notice it as much before, but now I can see that’s what you do all the time. You’re constantly on the lookout for trouble.”
“Does that bother you?” Jag asked.
“Not at all. It makes me feel even more safe when I’m with you.”
Jag stretched out and rolled them until Carly was under him. He propped himself up on an elbow so he didn’t crush her. “You will always be safe with me. You can also talk to me about anything. Anything, Carly. If you’re scared, nervous, happy, excited, or any other emotion. I will listen without judgement. Okay?”
Carly stared up at him and nodded. “All right. And you know the same applies to me, right? I know you can’t talk about specifics with your job, but if you’re having trouble dealing with something that happened on a mission, I’ll listen. I won’t judge you for anything that you’ve done, or not done.”
Her words sank into his soul, filling in the cracks that had formed so long ago. He’d never in his life felt as if he had someone he could be completely honest with. Not his judgmental father, not his classmates, not even his SEAL teammates. And not because he didn’t trust them with his life, but because he didn’t think they’d understand what he’d survived.
But Carly would. She wouldn’t judge him, would probably get extremely pissed off on his behalf.
“What’s that smile for?” she asked.
Jag hadn’t even realized he’d grinned while thinking about Carly being defensive on his behalf. “Nothing. But thank you. Knowing I’ve got you to talk to means the world to me.”
“Good.”
“One more thing before we find more interesting and fun things to do,” Jag said. His hands itched to touch her. He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in her kisses. But this was important.
Carly smiled coyly as she ran her hands up his chest. “Interesting and fun sounds good.”
Jag caught a roaming hand with his free one and brought it up to his mouth and kissed her fingers. “I’m not thrilled about Shawn’s cronies suddenly showing up everywhere you are. Baker hasn’t found anything incriminating on anyone, much to his frustration, but that doesn’t mean someone isn’t still out there who wants to finish what Shawn started.”
Carly sighed. “I know.”
“I just need you to be careful, angel. Remember what you’re learning in your self-defense classes. I don’t want you to go back to being terrified of people, but I need you to be aware of your surroundings at all times.”
“I am. I will,” she said. “If something happens…you’ll come find me, right?”
“Nothing in this world would stop me from not only finding you, but making whoever dared fucking touch what’s mine pay.” Jag knew he sounded a bit bloodthirsty, but Carly didn’t even blink.
“Okay.”
“You can’t ever give up fighting though, angel.”
“I won’t.”
“I mean it. No matter how bleak things seem, don’t lose hope in me. Or my team. Or Baker. Or your friends. I will turn over every single damn rock on this island to get to you, but you can’t ever give up, understand?”
She nodded, then got a thoughtful look on her face.
“What? What’s going through your head right now?” Jag asked.
“Most guys would probably tell me not to think like that at all. Would tell me nothing’s going to happen, that I’ll be fine.”
“First, I’m not most men. Second, I wish to God I could tell you that you’ll be fine. That I’ll keep you safe. But I’ve learned that what we want to happen isn’t always what does happen. I want you to be prepared for anything, and if I sit here and tell you that all is well, that you’re safe, that nothing bad will ever happen to you, I’m doing you a disservice.
“Life is fucking hard. It’s not all birthday parties, doughnuts, and pretty pictures on Instagram. It’s falling down and skinning your knees, it’s losing people before they’ve gotten to live out their lives, it’s cancer, chronic diseases, and bullies getting away with being assholes. I need you to be strong enough to weather those storms, both with me by your side and when you’re on your own. As a couple, we’re only as strong as we are individually. I can’t be with you every minute of every day, no matter how much I want to. If shit happens, I need you to fight, angel. Fight for yourself. Fight for me. Fight for us.”
Tears formed in Carly’s eyes as she stared up at him. “I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. I know you go into horrible situations on missions. Dangerous ones. With bullets flying and stuff. I need you to promise the same thing. If you get captured, or shot, or whatever, please hold on until you’re rescued or see a doctor.”
“I promise,” Jag said. This conversation felt like they were taking vows. And in a way, they were. He cleared his throat once again. They’d had some pretty emotional conversations tonight, and he was ready to move things into more pleasurable territory.
“You good?” he asked.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yup. You want to watch TV? I could put on a movie. Make us some popcorn or some other snack,” he suggested.
“Or…?”
“You have something else in mind? A card game or something?” he teased.
She laughed. “Or something.” Carly reached up and palmed the back of his head and did her best to force him closer.
Jag smiled, resisting. “You want something, angel?”
“Yes. You,” she said simply.
“I’m yours,” Jag told her, then let her lower his head.
They made out on the couch for what seemed like hours. When Jag was with Carly, nothing else mattered. Not his past, not the present, and definitely not what might await them in the future. It was only the two of them, lost in passion, in each other.
