Moms of the Missing, page 21
Now Barry and the daughters had a full explanation of Rhonda’s past, and how it affected her present. She then decided to write a book, titled I Survived Ted Bundy: The Attack, Escape & PTSD that Changed My Life. Rhonda says that writing the book is the best decision she ever made, because it worked as therapy, forcing herself to go through the assault all over and driving her to structure her thoughts.
“I have freed myself by writing that book. As a victim you think you are the only person who [has] suffered this. It was your experience, and you feel alone with it; but when you open up you find out there are others who have suffered the same. You almost find some kind of camaraderie with other victims that will make you move forward from being a victim to a survivor. I found that camaraderie when publishing the book,” Rhonda says.
However, getting the book published was not easy, because many publication houses were afraid people would accuse them—and Rhonda—of telling a lie.
“Some doubted my trustworthiness, because I had kept silent for so many years, and there was no police report to confirm my story. But most victims of rape and abuse keep silent. They do not go to the police, and my intention [in] writing the book has also been to hopefully help victims have the courage to share their stories and begin their healing journey as it is difficult to heal if you just hold all the pain inside secretly,” Rhonda says.
She hopes that sharing stories of abuse will in some cases also help prevent others from becoming victims. And, not least in her mind, she hopes it will shed light on how many victims there are.
“The feeling of loneliness is a deep, horrible state of mind, and it is important, sharing your story, and reaching out to others. Knowing you are not alone gives comfort, and it is easier to regain trust in others if you have the help of others,” Rhonda notes.
She also believes that the more stories that are shared the greater an understanding people will obtain of what being a victim is like. Rhonda says that today people often wrongfully accuse victims of having self-inflicted their abuse.
“[I]t does not matter if the victim has been drinking, if the victim has been walking alone, or what the victim has been wearing. It is never the victim’s fault,” Rhonda says.
To avoid self-guilt—and to create a beautiful life even after becoming the victim of a predator—Rhonda suggests victims always seek professional help immediately after the assault. After having suffered from her trauma for forty-five years, Rhonda says she believes that the effects due to PTSD, in some cases, can feel worse than the actual assault.
“I would suggest that you as a victim contact a psychologist right away. A psychologist can even help you [go] to the police. But never conceal what happened to you. If you open up, you’ll often have the entire support of your community. If you keep it to yourself, you won’t have any help at all, and your offender will keep creating victims, just like my offender did,” Rhonda says.
EPILOGUE
A LETTER OF HOPE
by Mary Kozakiewicz
Dear Reader,
This may have been a difficult book for you to read, due to the heavy—and often heartbreaking—content. Your child may have gone missing, or may have been recovered. You may be a survivor. You may have picked up this book to discover tips regarding how to keep your own family safe. Or perhaps you were merely curious about what it is like to live through every parent’s worst nightmare.
Our children are precious, irreplaceable, and the centre of our universe. Children give us purpose and reason. To lose them, in any manner, is unthinkable.
I know this all too well, because the little girl, Alicia, who is featured in the first chapter, is my child. Or at least she was.
That little girl is now an adult, and she is so strong. She fills my heart with pride and is my hero. Actually, hero is the perfect word to describe her. She works to prevent crimes against children and seeks to provide aid in their rescue and healing. This is her passion and her life’s mission. It has been her focus for sixteen years. She is an advocate, motivational speaker, and survivor. Recently, her impact reached to new heights: She joined the International Centre for Missing and Exploited Children (ICMEC) as the Director of Outreach and Global Impact. Alicia, and the entire ICMEC team, are dedicated to crafting miracles for children around the world.
These miracles do happen, but heartbreakingly, only for some. Families do move forward, with varying success, but it’s not all luck. It’s fate—yes, fate—and, barring that, it’s hard work, determination, and tears.
So many tears.
When your child is recovered safely, it may be the happiest day of your life. It also may be the most harrowing. Initially, there is an intense joy. The nightmare has ended, and your miracle actually happened! All of the prayers, posters, phone calls, hard work, and, most importantly, tireless and boundless hope, helped to bring your child home. In my family’s case, before Alicia was returned to us law enforcement shared that the chance of Alicia being recovered alive was a million to one.
Think about that, a million to one.
We won the lottery.
This lottery, though won, was not the one we played. The child who returned, our princess, was not quite the child she had been. However, neither were we, her family.
Trauma changes us. It shakes our core. Not only in major, earth-shattering ways, but also in the tiny day-to-day moments that make up our lives. Predators sometimes do not only physically steal our children. In our case, the predator stole, through nearly a year of grooming, her heart and soul, her ability to reason, and even her childhood memories—her past. This also took our future; at least, the future we believed we would have. I still grieve for my child and the life that I lost.
Today, though, I rejoice in the future we have built in spite of the struggles. We, through hard work, love, and the will to continue, made it. However, it was not easy. It’s amazing how quickly everything can change.
In a millisecond, the blink of an eye, a family can be destroyed. Whatever the circumstances of your child’s disappearance, it is true that nothing will ever be quite the same. Once you’ve survived the devastation of your own Ground Zero, that ground never again will promise the stability you had previously counted on. For the families who have experienced this trauma, the next quake—and the subsequent, oncoming explosions—are forever imminent. Parents who have lost their children, no matter the duration or outcome, are no longer unaware of the existence of pure evil.
You may feel hopeless…lost in the storm with no direction or path to follow. So, what can we do to find our way?
The expectation cannot, and should not, be to immediately “bounce back”. It does not seem possible to survive such an event and simply move forward. We do just that—we move forward—sometimes slowed to a crawl—each at our own pace. But, we move…and we keep on moving. It’s okay if it’s 100 steps forward and 99 steps back. The pitfalls may be many, as that landscape of our existence has forever been altered. I have certainly fallen into my share of emotionally and physically exhausting pits, and I have helped to pull my daughter from hers as well. We do this by being supportive, and by standing together. Love, and the hope for a better tomorrow, must be constant. It all starts with that first step in the right direction.
What are the first, and most crucial steps, we can take when we first discover our child is missing? We do the impossible—and we can—because nothing is impossible when it comes to the safety of our children. We strive to keep it together, knowing that we are our child’s best advocate. We have to try to take deep breaths and stay focused, because time is of the essence. Our children might be moving away from us at the rate of 60 mph. The rate our children are separated from us will be even faster if the child is moved from a car to an airplane.
When your child is missing, you need to call emergency services and law enforcement immediately. Do not hesitate, and do not wait twenty-four hours. There is no easy way to say this next sentence. Statistically, here in the United States, in the case of an abductor with homicidal inclinations, children are typically murdered within three hours of their abduction.
You need to locate your child’s most recent photograph. Perhaps it is a school photo. Please, just be certain that it is not highly edited or filtered. Compile a list of friends, family, neighbours, schools, and anywhere your child spends their time. It is also important to consider all relationships. Are you separated or divorced from your child’s other parent? Call them. Now.
After you establish that your child is indeed missing, contact the 24/7 call centre at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC). The number is 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678). The centre has translators and people waiting on the line to assist you. Supply the centre with the picture of your child and all relevant information, so that they can coordinate with any authorities and create a “Missing Child” poster to be shared throughout the community, and the world. These posters do bring our children home. An NCMEC poster helped to bring Alicia home, and the posters have helped in the recovery of so many other children as well.
It is also essential to cooperate with law enforcement, be it local police or federal authorities. Media is an effective tool, but can become overwhelming. Use it, but be cautious, sharing only relevant information. Often, it is best to appoint one trusted family member to speak on your behalf. Do not be afraid to ask for, and be willing to accept, help from family, friends, or whomever might be willing and able to assist you. Many people may want to help, but they may not feel comfortable reaching out and asking you. It will be so much harder to go through this alone.
After you have done all that you can…you wait. Time ceased to exist while Alicia was missing. The days rolled into nights and slipped slowly back into days. This passage of time barely registered. To me, it felt like one excruciatingly long day. During this period, I neither ate nor slept. How could I eat or sleep when my child was quite possibly in the hands of a monster? She could be cold, hungry, hurting, and terrified—or worse. The “worst” is what you struggle to contain below the surface of consciousness, never wanting to make that reality a possibility. I knew that once I allowed myself the freedom to consider the worst, I would cease to function.
Friends came to my house and offered whatever assistance they could. They attempted to engage me, and to ease my pain. They were angels of mercy when I could allow myself none. When Alicia was recovered, they offered support, while I was unraveling what had transpired. Alicia was one of the first children to be groomed and abducted by an internet predator. No one understood the grooming process, and ultimately, both my daughter and our family were blamed, rather than the predator.
How?
By convincing themselves that Alicia was a “bad child”, and that my husband and I were “bad parents,” a terrified public could excuse themselves from accepting responsibility for their own inadequacies on the subject. Due to the intense media coverage, we found ourselves unable to leave the house without a sometimes hostile public pointing their collective finger at us.
Alicia, already severely traumatised from the abduction, was now traumatised by the environment surrounding her. This environment was her home, her community—it should have been a safe and comforting place for her to return to. This created new complications in the healing process. Alicia would walk with her shoulders hunched, and her head down—the stature of a victim—when she was confronted by others. She experienced what no victim ever should—shame for what had been done to her.
This was not at all acceptable, but it also was unavoidable. We had to learn to cope and determine appropriate responses. I shared with Alicia that the best revenge was to be happy. Alicia changed her stance—she stood straight and tall, with her shoulders back. She would look the detractors directly in their eyes and simply give them a wide smile. This helped her to gain her footing and grow her confidence. It was amazing how quickly the cowards would back down and then assume the same head-down posture themselves.
You may need to prepare yourselves, and your child, for this sort of public behaviour. Often, it may be those you would least expect who become the loudest detractors. Realise it’s their fear, but realise that it can also be jealousy. No, seriously. There are those who live such narrow, small-minded little lives that, despite the agonies that your child and family have endured, they will begrudge you what attention you may have received through the media. You’re now, in their misguided opinion, famous, and they are not. Alicia was confronted with this mindset by her peers. Unbelievable. There were times when Alicia would share her story, and although the children in the audience understood her pain, they felt it would be worth it to go through something similar, simply for the “fame”.
It is also important to remember that although some may be cruel, there are people who would love to offer kind words and support. Do not misjudge the good, and good-natured, people, based on a few truly terrible people. It is often human nature to focus on the negative. Try not to let the terrible people continue to darken your days.
As Alicia and I moved forward, working tirelessly to educate the public, my peers would accuse me of living vicariously through my child. Ironically, my mission was their children’s safety.
A piece of advice: Walk away from those who refuse to see beyond themselves and from those who do not have the courage to be there for you as you need them, and to love and support you despite public opinion. Stare them down, or simply try to ignore them. Your child, and your family, require positive support in order to heal.
Returning to school was yet another hurdle for Alicia. I had home-schooled her for the remainder of the year following her recovery, in order to allow her the time to heal, and also to protect her from the public. Learning is difficult when one is experiencing flashbacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, insomnia, and memory loss, yet we persevered. Alicia returned to public school for her freshman year. I encouraged her to join every activity that interested her, and to engage in public service. She created the Alicia Project, at fourteen years old, just about a year after her rescue, and began to give presentations, teaching her peers how to stay safe in the online world and off. She had given what happened to her a purpose, and that purpose is to save other children, and families, from experiencing a similar ordeal.
Despite a myriad of social, emotional, and educational issues, Alicia graduated from high school with honours. It was a huge accomplishment, but nobody saw the nights that I tutored her into the wee hours of the morning in order to relearn what she had lost due to amnesia. Nobody saw the tears forming at the cruel words of her peers. Yet again, we persevered, and held our heads high. I would remind her: You just have to study until you ace the test. Smile at your detractors until they back down. Ignore the ignorance because it is just that, and it is beneath you.
That’s the secret. Support your child tirelessly and expect them to succeed, not just adequately, but superlatively. They have been traumatised, and it may be harder for them in some areas, but they are not destroyed. They’ve survived hell, and so have you. You are both stronger than you think. You can do this. With your unconditional love and support, your child can accomplish anything! As far as education, I am proud to share that Alicia went on to get her master’s degree in forensic psychology.
The struggles of surviving trauma are not simple, and are not always expected. Over the years, Alicia and I have found ourselves in rooms filled with families who are still searching, or whose children have been recovered deceased. I remember the first conference where this occurred. Alicia and I were both overwhelmed by “survivor’s guilt”. This was an emotion for which we were not prepared. We did receive a miracle, and are grateful beyond words. But, why us? Why were we so lucky?
Every child, every family, deserves that same miracle. We are unable to change the past, but we have made it our life’s mission to create a safer world tomorrow for all children.
We parents, the “moms of the missing”, if you will, stand together, and pray when a child is missing, celebrate when a child is found safe, and mourn when a child is recovered deceased. We are part of a club that no one would choose to join, but we members are here for each other, for it is so much harder to go through it alone. Many of those featured in this book have been members, alongside myself, of various organisations dedicated to protecting children, and supporting the families of the missing and exploited. I have listened to their stories, celebrated their victories, and have shared their grief. NCMEC hosts an incredible group of these parents who volunteer themselves as support structures for other families, as shoulders to cry on, and as someone who truly understands the sheer terror others who are sharing our nightmare may be experiencing. I was one of those parents and received great comfort, support, and advice while Alicia was missing. I am proud to have been a member of this team for fifteen years. Together, we are Team HOPE—and offering hope, healing, and peace is what we do.
Alicia’s story is a message of hope for the families who are still searching for their children. It is the hope that every child can be returned safely home.
Yours sincerely,
Mary Kozakiewicz
Author’s Note
As the author of Moms of the Missing: Living the Nightmare it is my hope that this book will help readers understand the extreme pain the victims suffer from these horrific crimes and, as importantly, raise awareness about how these abductions may occur. My deepest hope, however, is that by telling the stories of the victims we may help some of the missing persons return home. Someone knows something, and we hope they will come forward with information leading to the recovery of the missing person. By putting the focus on these types of crimes—which are committed against both children and adults—we can also hope to help prevent others from becoming victims. Here are some ways to keep your child and loved ones safe.
