When Parents Text, page 7
MOM: A1 or B1?
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ME: WAFFLES
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MOM: Sooo…A1?
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ME: Mom. Yes.
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MOM: I think I would rather have muffins. I’m making muffins
Dumplings
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MOM: Eating your leftover dumps and thinking of you! xoxo
* * *
ME: ….?
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MOM: Remember how you ordered chinese food the other night? Well im finishing up the dumps.
Dinner Date
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ME: Wanna do dinner or something this week? Monday maybe?
* * *
DAD: !!!! Ab so lu tely! Daddy love love love. Daddy love.
Secret Sandwich
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DAD: can u bring me my sandwich into my room? Dont tell anyone i asked you this.
* * *
DAD: please, dont tell any one. please dont tell. Please dont say anything.
On Domino’s Delivery Tracking
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DAD: Jaun has double checked our order for perfection at 8:08pm! Good job Jaun! He sounds like a nice guy. The internet is a fascinating place.
Egg Salad
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ME: what did you have for lunch?
* * *
DAD: Egg Salad. It smelled like a fart which was good. Afterwards I farted and it smelled like egg salad which was bad. Go Figure.
Twins
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MOM: I just saw a heavy set older man in a velor track suit similar to mine @ cracker barrel. LOL!
OoOoOoOoO
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DAD: Im making popcorn
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ME: cool…save some for me!
* * *
DAD: nope
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ME: ..why?
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DAD: i already ate it. make your own popcorn. OoOoOoOoO
* * *
ME: wow thanks. and what are all those “o’s” for?
* * *
DAD: their big and little popcorns. i bet no ones made that before!
Bagle n’ Dirt
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MOM: got u a bagle n’ dirt cokr xo
* * *
ME: translation, mom? you got me a beagle and dirt?
* * *
MOM: sorry i was trying to text while driving. got u a bagel and a diet coke xo
Sushi for Dinner
* * *
ME: Sushi tonight?
* * *
DAD: Definitely
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DAD: just you and me
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DAD: ?
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ME: K
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DAD: You and me or the family.. or bring it home?
* * *
DAD: Make a decision…we can be together and talk
* * *
DAD: I would like that
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DAD: Or we can go as a family which is good too.
* * *
DAD: You decide :-) there is no bad choice
* * *
ME: Stop texting me.
PETS
Growing up, neither of us had real pets in our household. Lauren had a bunny named Slipper, and Sophia had a goldfish named Skully. For this reason alone, we may never understand why almost 25 percent of our website is dedicated to the delicate relationship between parents and pets. Perhaps they are fillers for an empty nest, or maybe they’ve always been the family favorite. Either way, parents love to text about them, and we love reading the results.
Family Photo
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MOM: can you be available about 1 PM on sunday for a family photo?
* * *
ME: Sure. Should I wear anything specific?
* * *
MOM: black, so the dog’s colors will show best.
FWD
* * *
MOM: FWD: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Opposable Thumbs
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DAD: The cat texted me, he wants to come in!! He’s freezing in the bushes
Catnip
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MOM: Hi Sweetie I’m getting Patches wasted
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ME: How so?
* * *
MOM: Catnip. It’s like pot
Goldie the Cat
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MOM: Hi…it’s goldie. i figured out how to use dad’s phone. just wanted you to know i miss you. i was having a really good day with dad until i puked (i knew i shouldn’t have eaten those plant leaves…) anyway, dad’s kinda mad at me so i am hiding. can’t wait to see you. your favorite cat, goldie
Trip to the Vet
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MOM: it was a bite to the muscle, he’s got a fever too, they took his virginity and butt temperatured him.
* * *
ME: wow mom, wow
Hail Mary
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MOM: Pray for me. I am throwing up in the bathroom. Yuk! I need your prayers.
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MOM: Surrounded by cats they don’t know what to think.
Family
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MOM: You will add the dog as your facebook friend RIGHT NOW!!
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ME: mom he’s a dog….
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MOM: He is FAMILY, add him or you are grounded!!!!
Tinsel
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MOM: Kitten just sneezed and i swore i heard a strange sound when i checked him ov i discovered tinsel in his nose when i pulled on it 12 inches came out-
Dog Days
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MOM: the dog is in a mood today. ugh
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MOM: Literally sniffing every blade of grass so gingerly. Been out here 20 minutes.
* * *
MOM: And now the dog is giving me the cold shoulder.
* * *
MOM: I love you!
Latest Accessory
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MOM: Hey boo it’s so cold i’m wearing the cats!
The Lord Giveth
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MOM: big fish died today
* * *
ME: oh no! poor fish
* * *
MOM: the lord giveth and the lord taketh away, we now have 9 birds.
Monkey
* * *
DAD: Hi Monkey there is fleas in my house love dad
* * *
ME: What!? Seriously? Ah those stupid dogs shouldn’t have gone inside.
* * *
DAD: Monkey yes I am agreeing I am upset going to panera love dad
Benadryl
* * *
ME: We’re going to Jons
* * *
MOM: Hooray
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MOM: The dog is so itchy. I gave him a benadryl
* * *
ME: what? why would you give a dog benadryl?
* * *
MOM: He’s fucked up.
Patches
* * *
DAD: Can not make phils game tonite it is in san fran. I guess i will be watching at home with the only one who loves me. Thank you patches. By the way do u hv patches cell ph number or does he just use momas ph.
Squirts
* * *
ME: How was your day?
* * *
MOM: Kinda crazy…Amber woke up early (with the squirts) then there was a bomb threat at school so I was very late for work but other than that it was a nice day.
Cat Paw
* * *
DAD: Paw says Happy Wednesday. Wheres my tuna.
DREAMS
Why do people love to talk about their dreams?
Mass Text
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MOM: Hi. I had a really weird dream. So let me ask you a weird question. Are any of you pregnant?
Wildest Dreams
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MOM: Just saying in your wildest dreams what color kitchen aid mixer would you like?
* * *
MOM: False alarm. sorry. got excited at a macy’s sale. please forgive.
Small Octopus
* * *
MOM: On my way, love you and great to see you, your room, your suitemates, your studio, and to do all the fun things! I must be feeling guilty about the cats because last night I dreamt that I had a (small) octopus and a horse that I had forgotten to feed. I really DID have a horse once, but I never had an octopus.
Happy Pride Month
* * *
ME: I had a dream last night you thought I was a lesbian haha!
* * *
MOM: It wasn’t a dream
Battle
* * *
ME: I had a dream last night that we were dance battling. I can’t remember but I think we tied.
* * *
DAD: Well, it was obviously a dream because I definitely would win the poppin and the lockin.
NO TATTOOS
* * *
ME: I had a dream last night that I got a tattoo. I started crying and freaking out in the dream because I knew you guys would be so angry. Luckily it washed off!
* * *
DAD: DON’T EVEN GET A DREAM TATOO!!!
Interpretations
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MOM: I had a dream about rescuing a kitten last nite which I believe reflects my desire to be a grandmother someday
Someday
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MOM: Someday i want to hold a penguin and rub its belly. It looks so soft.
Waist Deep
* * *
ME: We’ll be in RI around 4:30 tomorrow
* * *
MOM: I had a dream last night that you were in a cave in waist deep water smoking pot.....
Haircut
* * *
MOM: I had a dream you got a dyke haircut.
Marshmallow Dreams
* * *
DAD: So I had a dream last night that I ate a huge marshmellow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
* * *
ME: Where was your pillow?
* * *
DAD: I don’t know, I cant find it.
PIX
With the discontinuation of Kodachrome, our photographic dialogue is becoming more immediate, and mobile cameras have added a new texture to the way cell phone users communicate—”Aren’t you jealous of where I am right now?” “Are these the socks you asked for?” “Look at this fabulous sandwich I am about to consume.”
The modern postcard—picture messaging—is both versatile and humorous. When parents send picture messages, the possibilities are truly unbelievable, and the photo submissions that we have been saving for this print edition of When Parents Text have been some of the funniest to date.
Twenty-First-Century Parenting
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MOM: I want a picture of u at her house. either outside w house showing or w her mom at home so i know ur there
Only in America
* * *
DAD: Only 2000
Birthday Is a Wash
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DAD: happy birthday I hope you like what we got us for your birthday!
* * *
ME: what..........
Condom Cat
* * *
MOM: The cat wants to know why she found condoms in your laundry.
Gun Show
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DAD: Funny face made from a white tail deer’s butt LOL. At the gun show today.
My Naner
* * *
DAD: Sweetie sorry the visit was so short, I feel sad about that. I miss you.
* * *
DAD: this was sent from my new iphone by the way! Not my brick phone….
* * *
ME: Picture msg me then. If its not HD then you are lying. haha! love you!
* * *
DAD: I will as soon as I figure out how to do that???
Number One
* * *
DAD: Youre the number1 I love you dad
Lost
* * *
ME: We’re lost...can you send directions?
* * *
MOM: Sure.
* * *
(ten minutes later)
* * *
MOM: here is map
Regret
* * *
MOM: my greatest regret in life is that ill never have a dog
Mobile Mouse
* * *
MOM: Where is my mouse?
* * *
ME: I didn’t move it
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MOM: I saw it on booktable a few days ago; now I can’t find it
* * *
ME: I didn’t touch it
* * *
MOM: Why is it hanging with the snow people?
* * *
MOM: Didn’t know it was mobile!
Stallion
* * *
MOM: New living room art
Do You Have a Clue?
* * *
MOM: Guess who?
Best Mom
Postcollege
MOM: present! :)
Frankie’s Fun Park
* * *
DAD: your grandmother wants to ride the motorcycle at Frankie’s Fun Park. ONLY 3 TOKENS
* * *
ME: ...do what?
* * *
DAD:
WOW
There are some texts that you receive and immediately have to share. “Tacos for Dinner” was our first “wow” moment. From that day on we’ve received hundreds of messages that give us that same sense of astonishment.
