Four Ever, page 11
“No, Delia and I are going for coffee afterward.”
I nodded. It was a good thing that he was talking to his sponsor, right?
Then why did I feel like he’d just torn my heart out and stomped on it?
“I fucked this up, didn’t I, Killian?” I asked as I watched him get dressed. He paused in the act of putting his arms through the sleeves of the navy-blue shirt he was about to tug on. “I never should have brought them here.”
“You wouldn’t be you if you hadn’t,” Killian responded, though he didn’t look at me. He pulled his shirt on.
“They’re not a stray dog or cat,” I countered, because it almost sounded like he was letting me off the hook. “I should have discussed it with you.”
Killian finally looked at me. When he started walking toward me, I was both relieved and terrified.
Maybe he’d finally lay into me for the mistakes I’d made. It would be a goddamn relief if he did. And maybe he’d finally walk away like he should have so long ago.
It would be my worst nightmare come to life, but maybe it would be a relief in some ways too.
“Don’t do that, Zak,” I heard Killian say as he came to a stop in front of me. His hand came up to clasp my face.
Oh God, how I’d missed him doing this.
“I’m never walking away, baby,” Killian whispered in my ear before he kissed the soft spot behind it. “You want me to go, you need to tell me so.”
“No,” I choked out. “No, never.”
I couldn’t bear to look at him because despite his words, it felt like I had a noose around his neck and he was practically ordering me to tighten it.
“And no, they’re not a stray dog or cat, but they needed someone to fight for them, Zak. If not you, then who?”
“No one comes before you, Killian. I’m afraid you don’t know that.”
He tipped my head up because I was staring at the floor. It was a behavior I hadn’t felt the need to do in a really long time. I had no idea why I was reverting to it now.
I waited for him to answer me. To say that he did know it. That he’d never had any doubt and that he never would.
But instead, he leaned in and kissed my cheek. His mouth was so fucking close to mine. I held my breath, but his lips didn’t move.
“Don’t wait up, okay? You’ve been working yourself to the bone. You need to sleep.”
I somehow managed a nod, but I kept the fact that my lack of sleep had absolutely nothing to do with work to myself.
Killian pulled back. I wanted to beg him not to go like this because it felt like another door was being closed on what existed of our old life together.
But he did leave.
I waited until I heard the front door close before I sank to my ass and pulled my knees up against my chest. I stifled the sobs that threatened but trying to keep them in just made them worse. I covered my mouth with my hand to help mute the sound and let go. I wasn’t sure how much time passed before I felt a soft sensation against the free hand I had resting on my thigh. I looked down through tears and saw Waldo looking up at me. He cocked his head back and forth, then gently pecked at my hand again.
I actually let out a watery laugh.
“Now?” I whispered. “Now you decide I’m not a threat to you?”
He pecked my hand again, then turned so he was facing the door and just sat there.
My very own little protector.
I started crying all over again because as much as I loved the little toucan, I needed Killian.
“Zak?”
Liam’s voice had me quickly wiping my eyes and climbing to my feet. I was still trying to dry my eyes when he peeked his head into the open door. “Oh, sorry,” he quickly said. “I, uh… I… sorry.”
I heard his footsteps retreating and knew that it was because he’d seen me trying to get rid of the proof of my emotional breakdown. Humiliation went through me as I considered how I must look to the younger man. I was a big guy with tattoos, piercings, and my fair share of muscles, so it probably looked strange and a little pathetic to see someone like me having a complete meltdown. I remembered how broken Liam had seemed in that bathroom when Killian and I had helped him get cleaned up.
“Liam, wait,” I called. I moved to the door and saw that he’d paused at the top of the stairs. He cast me a quick look.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come up here… I just wanted to… fuck.”
He blanched when he heard his own words.
“No, not fuck like ‘I wanted to fuck.’ Fuck like ‘I’m an asshole.’” Liam tore his gaze away. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered.
“It’s okay, what did you need?” I asked. Surprisingly, his show of adorable awkwardness made me feel a tiny bit better. “Is Noah alright?”
“Oh, um, yeah, he’s lying down again. I thought I’d make him something to eat and was wondering if you minded if I poked around your kitchen.”
“Oh, no, of course not. I can make him something,” I offered quickly because cooking would give me the distraction I needed.
“No, I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Liam said. He actually sounded a little weird, but I passed it off as him not wanting to impose.
“I don’t mind,” I said, then admitted, “Cooking relaxes me.”
“Okay, if you’re sure.”
Several of the dogs had followed Liam upstairs. When Bentley nudged his fingers, Liam automatically began petting him.
“Come on, Waldo,” I called. I looked over my shoulder, expecting to see him poking around the bedroom, but to my surprise, he was at my feet.
I followed Liam down the stairs. He kept looking over his shoulder at me with an uncertain expression on his face. It threw me because it was so very different from how fierce and angry he’d looked in the hospital when he’d grabbed me.
“Is Killian okay?” he finally asked.
We were taking the stairs slowly in deference to Waldo. Killian would have offered the bird his arm, but I didn’t want to push my luck with the toucan. But I also didn’t want to leave him behind to fend for himself.
“Yeah, he’s good,” I lied, since I didn’t really know what Killian was. “How’s Noah?”
“Probably asleep by now,” Liam responded. He averted his eyes, but I didn’t miss the hurt in them.
So, things might not have gone smoothly for the pair after Killian and I had left the room.
I wasn’t sure what to make of the two young men. Their relationship seemed far too intimate to be the brothers they claimed to be… well, stepbrothers.
And why did that distinction bring me this weird relief? I wasn’t one to judge others, so even if they’d been blood brothers and in a relationship, it wouldn’t have been any of my business. But for some reason, my muddled mind couldn’t get past the thought that the two not being related by blood was like some kind of obstacle had been removed.
Obstacle to what exactly, though?
“Yeah, he’s probably going to need to rest for at least a few days until he gets his strength back,” I said.
“Um, yeah,” Liam murmured. We’d reached the bottom of the stairs and were just waiting on Waldo to make it down the last few. “We’ll be out of your hair just as soon as we can.”
I opened my mouth to tell the younger man that he and Noah should stay for as long as they needed, but I snapped it shut when I realized that wasn’t my call to make. As concerned as I was for Liam and Noah’s safety, I couldn’t risk doing any more damage to my relationship with Killian. At this rate, I wasn’t even sure I would talk to Killian about the possibility of the younger men staying with us until we could figure out what kind of trouble they were in and help them get back on their feet.
“It’s no problem,” I said.
Liam nodded awkwardly. “Thanks.”
We both fell silent as we watched Waldo use his beak to balance his body as he got down the last step.
“What happened to him?” Liam asked as he pointed to the bird.
I began telling him the story about the abuse the toucan had suffered as we walked to the kitchen. I could see Liam growing angrier and angrier as I continued, and by the time we’d reached the kitchen and Waldo had climbed onto his little ground-level perch so he could pick at the food in his bowl, Liam was raging.
“I hope someone ripped that fucker’s arms from his body.”
I kept my smile to myself because that was pretty much the same thing Killian had said when he’d heard Waldo’s story for the first time.
“So you two have saved all these guys?” Liam asked as he motioned to the various dogs and cats lying around the kitchen.
“A lot of them were supposed to be fosters, but Killian and I just couldn’t face the prospect of letting them go. Not when they’ve become family. The rescue group we volunteer for has this saying that by letting one pet go to its forever family, you can take in and save another pet.”
“But you do both, right?” Liam said.
I chuckled. “Yeah… we’re still trying to figure out the letting go part, obviously. Killian and I always wanted to have a big family, so—”
My words dropped off when I realized that that dream was in true jeopardy. Despite having so many rescue animals that we truly did want as part of our family, Killian and I had always talked about having kids. It was something that we’d discussed on an almost daily basis before life had gone to hell.
“Zak?”
I heard Liam’s voice but was too entrenched in the idea of a future without Killian and the human family we’d dreamed about.
“Zak?” Liam repeated, but it wasn’t until he touched my arm that I was jolted from my thoughts.
“Sorry,” I murmured as I pulled away from him so I wouldn’t lean into his touch like I wanted. The fact that I even wanted that made me feel sick to my stomach. “How about some broth for Noah?” I asked as I turned to the cabinets and began looking through my spice rack. “I’ve got these bouillon cubes that have a decent amount of flavor. And if you add the right spices to it…”
“Do you have chicken, by chance?” Liam cut in. I turned to look at him and swore that he looked kind of sheepish. I passed it off to the awkwardness of the situation overall.
“You mean like chicken pieces?”
“Um, yeah. A whole chicken would be best… we could use the main parts to make some roasted chicken or something and then use the leftovers to make a really nice chicken soup. I can strain out the solid stuff for Noah until he’s feeling better.”
“Yeah, I think we have one,” I said as I went to the fridge and began sorting through it. “You know how to cook?” I asked Liam.
He shrugged. “I can throw a few things together. I kind of had to learn after my mom died because my dad worked a lot. Peanut butter sandwiches got really old really fast.”
His voice dropped a little when he mentioned his mother. “Do you mind?” he asked as he motioned toward the spice cabinet.
“Not at all,” I said.
I watched Liam from the corner of my eye as he went through the spices and took out at least half a dozen. Only a couple were ones I would have chosen. I grabbed the chicken from the bottom shelf of the refrigerator and placed it in the sink.
As Liam began asking me if I had certain vegetables, I started pulling them from the refrigerator. The younger man was setting up a space on the island where he could work. He was clearly in the zone as he organized himself, and when he finally got the chicken cleaned and laid out on the cutting board, he seemed to finally remember my presence.
“Oh, sorry,” he murmured as he put down the knife he’d been sharpening. “Did you want to—”
“No,” I said as I put up my hand. “Keep going. You obviously know what you’re doing.”
Liam shrugged. “Watched some YouTube videos and cooking shows. I’m okay, but…”
“But what?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
“Nothing,” he said with a shake of his head.
I didn’t like how the fire I’d just seen in him seemed to die a quick death. Whatever pleasure he’d found in the act of getting ready to cook was gone.
Snuffed out.
I felt the loss more than I wanted to admit.
“I always wanted to learn how to cook,” I said. “Like, really cook.”
“You can cook. Killian said you were very… creative.”
Was the young man actually blushing as he said the words? He kept shooting me little glances that had my body reacting in the most inconvenient way. Shame curled through me.
“Killian and I each used to live on take-out food when we met. Once I started nursing school and learned about nutrition and stuff, I figured we should probably eat things that were a little less artery-clogging.”
“You guys are in fantastic shape,” Liam scoffed. This time he was definitely blushing when he seemed to realize what he’d said. “I mean, you obviously take care of yourselves.”
Heat spread throughout my body, mixing with the guilt I was feeling that I was even noticing things about Liam that I shouldn’t be.
Like the blushing.
Or how gracefully his long fingers moved as he worked.
I remembered how his body had felt against mine and what it had been like to look over his shoulder at Killian as we’d worked together to get Liam into the tub. I’d been ashamedly turned on by the sight of Killian’s gorgeous mouth near Liam’s ear as he’d whispered words of support and encouragement to the younger man.
Turned on.
Not jealous.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
A tense silence fell between me and Liam. I knew I should just leave him to it and go do some of my continuing education work, but my feet wouldn’t obey my brain.
“Do you have a stock pot?” Liam asked.
I managed to utter an uneven-sounding “yes” and went in search of the pot.
“Well, you obviously know what you’re doing, so I should leave you to it,” I said.
I was in the process of turning away when Liam suddenly blurted, “I could teach you.”
“What?” I asked, more because I needed to say something instead of just standing there getting lost in his intense, dark blue eyes. He was still covered in bruises and lacerations, but they were starting to fade a bit and the swelling had gone down enough that I could make out his features more than when he’d first been admitted. He was a beautiful young man, much like his stepbrother. But while Noah was more “pretty” and had a certain softness to him, Liam had the kind of striking good looks that turned heads.
“I mean, not that you need to learn anything because that broth you made was really good, but I could… I mean, as a thank you for everything you and your boyfriend… Killian… have done for us… fuck.”
I smiled because it was the second time he’d babbled incessantly and ended his sentence with the same frustrated swear word. Never in a million years would I have guessed the guy who’d been ready to do battle with me and Killian to protect his stepbrother would be so lacking in confidence.
“Never mind,” Liam spit out. His attitude changed just like that and I realized it was probably because I’d been too quiet and had just been staring at him. His self-defense mechanism of lashing out was clearly kicking in.
“I’d love to learn,” I said as I moved closer to him. He was about the same height as me, but I probably outweighed him by a good thirty pounds. I figured once he put some weight back on, our builds would be a pretty close physical match. “It never even occurred to me to try and watch some videos,” I admitted. “I look up recipes and stuff, but I’m not really techie. We use certain applications at the hospital, but I’m always the one the computer decides to humiliate. I heard the IT team has a monthly contest to see who has to come to my rescue most often.”
Liam was silent for a moment as he worked. I practically held my breath to see if he was going to open up to me again or just shut down altogether. I was thinking it was going to be the latter when he murmured, “Me neither.” He paused, then glanced at me. “I’m not good at computer stuff, either. Noah’s like a genius with them. He pretty much knows everything about everything.”
The way he smiled when he talked about his stepbrother made me feel good inside for some reason. There was clearly some kind of bond between the pair that went beyond a sibling relationship, and it made me glad that they’d found that in one another. But it also made me curious if there was something more there too. The intimate touches Liam gave Noah and the way the younger man inherently trusted his older “brother” hinted that there was a relationship of some kind that went beyond the normal familial bonds.
“What about you?” I asked. “You clearly know how to cook,” I remarked as I motioned to all the ingredients lying on the island… ingredients I wouldn’t have even considered using. “What else are you good at?”
Liam shrugged. “Not much,” he said. “Noah, he’s going to change the world, though.”
The fact that he’d shifted the conversation back to Noah didn’t surprise me. It was just further proof that his feelings for his stepbrother were complex. I had no idea if Liam was gay or bi or just really, really confused, but my gut was telling me that he wasn’t entirely straight. I’d seen him casting glances at Killian as he’d been getting the bath ready for Liam.
My brain suddenly went to a place I hadn’t considered before but that had me freaking out all the same.
What if Killian had noticed Liam too? He had left the bathroom very quickly once we’d gotten Liam in the tub. And the way he’d encouraged Liam with soft words… that wasn’t normal Killian behavior.
