Behind My Charade: A Legacy Falls Romance, page 9
“You’re broken now… He’s broken without you. Broken pieces can fit back together. With your love as the glue, I’d say you two make a pretty significant whole.”
I hear her. Is she right?
Is he going to fight for me?
I’m pretty sure he will. I think I knew that when I walked out.
I’m just so damaged… I don’t want to break him with the weight of my issues.
Momma kisses me again and says, “Why don’t you head to bed. Sleep in your old room. Tomorrow is another day. I’m bringing you to your appointment, so we have an early start anyway.
“I love you, baby girl. Just sleep for tonight.”
Remy
She left me…
She told me she couldn’t do this… couldn’t be with me. She just left… I had no say so.
Well, fuck that.
“Be happy. I wish you love, just not with me.”
That’s complete horseshit!
Be happy without her…
Yeah, ok, Bethie. See how well that’s worked out up til now?!
Hell no. She’s not going to throw us away like it’s nothing.
I love her. She loves me. And she IS my happy. She IS my love.
It’s her or no one and I’m not going to let her just push me away.
She’s fucked up… like seriously fucked up… her head is all crazy town, but I’m going to handle her crazy.
Move on with my life and forget about her…
Forget about Bethanie Reynolds, the woman who stole my fucking heart at three years old and has kept it in her grip all this time.
I don’t think so…
“Nope, sweetheart. Not happening. Leave you alone… not even close. Move on with my life…. What life? You are my life. Be happy… Then accept that I’m not abandoning you. I wish you love… then ACCEPT that I love you and you love me and we’ll deal with the rest!
“Because THAT’S what love is.”
Good lord, I’m talking to myself.
Maybe it’s all the beer I’ve drank. How many bottles is this?
Glancing at the coffee table, I try to count. “One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six… Seven…” And then there’s the Fireball, too.
Ok, I’ve had enough. Besides, the bottles are dancing on the table.
Well, I should finish this one in my hand first. I hate to be wasteful.
The steaks and grilled vegetables are in the fridge. After Bethie left, I didn’t even want to eat. I’ll have it tomorrow.
I let Bethie go tonight because with all of the emotion and the things she said, I wanted to give her space and let her go over the things she said.
She’ll realize that she’s wrong. We’re not over. She can do this. She is going to do this. She’s not going to just throw me away. She knows I love her. She loves me, too.
We finally made love… and she even said she loved me.
This isn’t over; she just needs a little space.
I’ll give it to her.
How long though!?
I’ve been staring at this ceiling for what seems like hours. As I glance at the bedside clock, I see the green numbers, 2:34AM. Yup, four hours. After all I drank tonight, I thought I’d pass right out. But, nope…
My brain won’t shut off. I’ve been going over the details of the attack and the things Bethie said to me… and I said to her.
I can see how she’d be upset with me. I was trying to make her understand that it wasn’t her fault… it wasn’t. I stand by that.
But she’s not ready to accept it yet. So, I’ll give her time and space. She’ll come to the realization on her own. She has an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. I don’t know what time. She never told me. And I don’t know where. It can’t be here in town. We don’t really have that here. So, where is she going?
It is the VA? Are they the best? Will they be good for Bethie?
Will they work with her to help her heal herself? I don’t want her on those drugs that some people take. They make people zombies. Her emotions are all over the place, but they’re hers.
As I lay staring at the ceiling… more and more questions arise and I wish I knew where she was going tomorrow.
Maybe I can question Connie tomorrow and she’ll fill me in. She’s kept me up to date with Bethie so far.
Yes, I’ll call Connie tomorrow. She’ll tell me what I need to know. That way, I can give Bethie her space, but still know what’s going on so I don’t end up in the insane asylum.
Chapter Fourteen
Bethanie
Momma and I decided to take the train into the city for my appointment with the VA psychologist. It’s the preliminary appointment, so I’m assuming they’ll just go over my file and then we’ll talk about nothing before scheduling my next appointment.
I don’t have any expectations for this appointment, but it was required as part of my discharge, so here I am…
As I’m sitting in the sterile waiting room, I realize slept pretty well last night. I only had one nightmare and it wasn’t the one about the attack. No, this one was completely different. It was about… Remy.
We were on opposite sides of a rolling river. He was screaming at me, but I couldn’t hear him over the raging of the river. There were whitecaps. I was screaming for him, too, but he couldn’t hear me either. We were both scanning the shore for any hint of a way to cross. But, there was nothing as far as the eye could see. No bridges, no tied up boats.
After looking futilely for what seems like forever, I watched him as he called once more to me, but again, I couldn’t hear his words.
Then, he dove into the furious water.
My heart started racing and I screamed at him to swim back to shore. But, of course he couldn’t hear me.
So, I dove into the water and started swimming toward the middle. I couldn’t see anything over the whitecaps.
The waves were brutal, pushing and pulling me every which way. Sometimes one would break over my head and I’d be thrust under the water with the weight of the wave. I’d fight my way back to the surface and struggle again to make headway to where I thought Remy was.
It was taking forever and I wasn’t making much headway. For every foot I’d gain, it seemed like I was pushed back two more. Yet, I fought on.
I was determined to win.
My body was tiring and I was mentally exhausted. Then, as I rode a wave, I saw Remy’s head. He wasn’t that far away. If I pushed myself, I could get to him. I knew it.
I started swimming furiously. Waves were slapping me in the face, and tossing me around like a rag doll, but I kept on.
Finally, I was only feet away from him. I drank him in and could see he was as exhausted and battered as I was. I tried to get the last few feet him…
I was so close.
He called out to me. I could hear him! “Bethie, I love you.”
I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him, too, and a wave broke over both of us, dragging us under. I was so tired and beaten down… so close to Remy… to the surface, but I just couldn’t fight anymore… looking through the water, I saw Remy give up his struggle and then we both sank.
I woke up gasping and flailing my arms around like I was trying to swim.
It was quite a dream…
My name is called just as I’m trying to decode it. “Staff Sergeant Bethanie Reynolds.”
Looking up, I stand at the stern faced nurse standing in the open doorway. I smile at her and I think the corners of her mouth lift, but I can’t be sure.
Momma reaches out and takes my hand. She squeezes. “I’ll be right out here, baby.”
I smile at her and nod. “I know. Thank you for coming with me.”
She nods and I can see the sheen of tears in her eyes before I follow the nurse and disappear through the doors.
I’ve been back here for almost an hour. It wasn’t as bad as I expected it would be. Dr. Kersey is also a veteran. He’s just been asking me a few questions about my service and my job with the Army. We haven’t gotten to anything major and I’m thinking that won’t be at this appointment.
He asks how I’ve been sleeping and I look up at him. His face is kind, but serious as he looks at me from his notes on the pad in his lap. “Have you been having difficulty sleeping?”
I nod and swallow. “I have. I have nightmares. I dream about the attack almost every night and sometimes during the day.”
He nods and writes something down on the pad. “Can you explain to me what it is you see in the nightmares?”
I swallow again and grip the seats of the couch. “You want me to tell you my nightmare?”
He nods and says, “Yes, please. And I’d like the details.”
He wants me to tell him my dream with all the details? Isn’t what happened in my file?
I ask, “The details?”
He looks up at me over his glasses. “Yes. I want you to tell me your dream exactly as you remember it. Can you do that?”
I nod jerkily and feel my palms start to sweat. “I can.”
He looks back at his pad and holds his pen ready. “When you’re ready, start.”
Taking a deep breath… I start. “We’re leaving Base and the platoon decides to split into two squads of two…”
After I told Dr. Kersey my dream in my own words, he made a few notes and then he set his pen down and looked at me. He told me that it was a great first session and that I was so honest with him was widely appreciated. He also told me that he believed I was suffering from a form of PTSD… Survivor’s Guilt.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder… Survivor’s Guilt…
That would make sense.
We scheduled another session for two weeks and he also gave me a journal and told me to document when I had a nightmare. He wanted me to record the details. He also wanted me to journal when I had an anxiety attack. He wanted to know what I was thinking about… how long it lasted… if I was able to quell it and if so how long it took.
I walked out and back to the lobby where Momma was waiting. She stood as I approached and hugged me. “How was the session, baby?”
I waited until we were through the doors and back on the sidewalk outside to answer her. “I’m starving, can we get lunch while I tell you about it?”
She nods and clasps my hand. “Of course we can. Why not make a day of it? Let’s do lunch and then go shopping. You were saying you wanted some new clothes, weren’t you?”
I think about it and realize how much I crave doing something as simple as shopping with my momma.
“That sounds great, Momma. So, where do you want to eat?”
She picks a little Chinese place across the street and we head in and pile our plates with food from the buffet. I really was starving. I haven’t eaten since lunch at Momma’s yesterday and then I skipped out on dinner at Remy’s last night…
Remy…
What’s he doing today? Is he ok?
I should call him…
Wait, you WANT to call Remy when you just told him last night that you couldn’t have a relationship and you wanted him to move on?!
You’re crazy, Bethanie!
No shit! Which is why I can’t be with Remy!
No, I’m not calling him.
Momma interrupts my internal insult fest. “Bethie… did you hear what I said?”
I shake my head. “No, Ma’am. I’m sorry. I was lost in my head.”
She asks again. “Ok, so what did the doctor say?”
And here we go…
I tell her about the visit and what Dr. Kersey said about my Survivor’s Guilt.
Remy
After not sleeping at all last night and drinking all of that alcohol on an empty stomach, I finally just threw the covers off around 4AM and got up. I made a cup of strong black coffee and headed to the rocking chairs on the porch. Picking one, I sat and sipped on the coffee until the sun rose.
Then, I made myself get ready for the day. My crew would be here in a couple of hours and they didn’t need to know about what happened with Bethie or that I drank too much and didn’t sleep last night.
I showered and decided to leave my face alone. Not like anyone would give a shit if I shaved or not anyway.
At precisely seven, I stepped outside and was greeted by Jake briefing the rest of the men about what needed to happen today. I listen as he gives everyone a section to check for damage from last night’s storm. Wind can heavily damage wheat and if anything is bent, we need to get it straightened out before it breaks and we lose that portion of the crop.
He sees me and nods as I walk toward him. “Any questions, fellas?” No one answers, so he says, “Remember, it’s hot as shit, so make sure you stay with your partner. If anyone wanders off and suffers heat stroke or anything, we wouldn’t know until it could be too late. Use your heads and stay hydrated throughout the day. Radio back if you find anything.”
He’s got this shit under control… which is why he’s my right-hand man.
He opens his truck and says, “Come on. We’re heading to the crop out back. I’m driving. It’ll be about an hour so you can tell me all about your hot date last night.”
My brow crinkles and I frown as I jump in the passenger seat and shut the door… hard.
Jake looks over and arches his brow. “Date not go well?”
I grunt. “Something like that. Just drive.”
Pulling my hat over my face, to clue Jake in that I don’t want to talk, I lean back and cross my arms. Maybe I can nap since I didn’t sleep last night.
Jakes turns around in the drive and it seems like he’s heading back toward the fields near the Reynold’s property. Tipping my hat back, I glance at the direction we’re heading.
Shit… Yup.
I mutter, “Fucking of course…”
Jake chuckles and plucks my hat brim. It causes the hat to jump and I jump with it. “What the fuck, Jake?”
He laughs and says, “No, you’re not sleeping while I drive. Come on, what happened. Why did you say the date was a bomb?”
I growl. “I didn’t say it was a bomb. You said it didn’t go well and I said something like that. I never said it was a bomb.”
He smirks. “Well, if it didn’t go well, wouldn’t that be a bomb?! So, tell me what happened. Give Jake all the gossip.”
I mutter, “No. You’re a nosey bastard.”
He glances over and says, “Yeah, damn right I am. You’ve been in love with Bethanie for twenty-plus years man. She comes back a couple of days ago and you were so full of nervous energy. Then, you take off early to go get her from the depot. You apparently spend the night with her and you’re like dancing on clouds and shit yesterday, man. You were supposed to cook for her last night and were all excited at what the night could bring… so, what the hell happened between the time I left last night and got here this morning?
“Did she stand you up or something?”
I grunt. “No, she didn’t stand me up… she came.” I mutter. “Just long enough to tell me that she couldn’t do this and I should move on and be happy loving someone else.”
Jake slams on the brakes. I pitch forward and catch myself with my hands on the dashboard. “Jesus! I could have gone through the windshield, asshole. Be careful!”
He’s staring at me incredulously. “What the hell did you say? She came over to dump you? You were together for like twenty-four hours. She seriously ended things with you after a day?!
“What the hell? What happened? Something had to happen.”
I snap at him. “Nothing, she told me about what she went through and how she was injured. I was horrified…
“You know she was the only survivor of the attack, right?”
He nods at me. “Yeah, you told me that when you found out that she’d been hurt.”
I nod and rub the back of my neck. “Yeah, well… she blames herself for all the others not making it.”
Jakes sputters, “The hell did you say? She blames herself for a terrorist attack?!”
I nod. “Yup. And I told her that was crazy and she wasn’t responsible… she blew up and told me I didn’t understand and needed to stop trying to protect her… or that was pretty much what she said. Then she said we were done.”
Jake stares out the windshield and exhales. “Damn, man. I’m sorry. Are you ok?”
I laugh harshly. “Yeah, I’m super. The woman I love, the only woman I’ll ever love, the only woman I want a future with basically called it quits and told me to have a nice life… I’m fucking fantastic.”
He whistles. “Wow.” Then, he turns to face me. “So, how long are you going to give her before you’re beating down her door?”
I grin at him and chuckle. “You know me so well.”
He nods. “I do and if it was me, I’d fight for her, too. Love like you feel for her is the real deal, bro. You don’t just walk away from it.”
I mutter, “I know and I don’t intend to. I’m giving her time and space, but I’m not accepting that it’s over. When she realizes I’m still here, still waiting for her… I’ll be ready.”
He clasps my shoulder and then puts the truck back in drive. “There’s my boy. Now put your damn seatbelt on!”
Chapter Fifteen
Bethanie
Four weeks later
It’s been about four weeks since I told Remy I couldn’t be with him and he’s left me alone, like I asked him to, but I miss him. I don’t see him. Okay… that’s a lie. I’ve seen him pass the house in his truck and I’ve seen him three times in town and once at church, where I purposely went to the 7AM service, Momma mentioned he attended.
I’ve been to three appointments with Dr. Kersey and I seem to be making progress. I didn’t really understand why he wanted me to keep the detailed journal about my nightmares and panic attacks, but now I do. The nightmare seems to be changing some. I still have it, but I’m seeing details differently. Things that I probably saw during the attack, but pushed to the back of my mind. It’s giving me more clarity.
