Mesmer, page 16
“That’s good. Come sit down,” he said, gesturing at the chair angled toward his, and my feet were moving before I told them to. It was strange, like being on one of those automatic walkways except I was the one walking forward.
My brain felt slow as I sat down, frowning at my legs, confused.
*He made you do that. Mesmer. Bad man.* Greta stomped and grabbed her hair, letting out a little screech that made my skin buzz. *You never fucking listen!*
Tomik sighed, and my attention snapped back up to him. He was so handsome, even more than when we were young. A man, not a boy anymore, but he looked sad as he met my eyes. “Hannah… do you love me?”
“I’ve always loved you,” I answered fast, feeling the truth resonate inside even as the gray Greta girl growled.
“Are you happy that you’re with me?” he asked, setting the guitar beside the chair so he could lean forward, his brown eyes seeking mine out in a way that made me want to get up and hug him. I just… couldn’t.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to be with you again, Tomik. I— When you left, I felt so empty. Why did you leave me?” The tears were back, burning my eyes, and he sighed and raked a hand through his wild hair.
“I tried to protect you, Hannah. I swear.”
“From what?” I asked on a whisper, ignoring the muttering from the angry gray girl.
“From me.” Tomik stood up, pacing toward the empty fireplace framed in shiny white stone that almost matched the pristine tiles except for the silvery veins running through it. He faced the fireplace, showing me his bare back, and I wished he would look at me again because I didn’t understand his words. I tried to get up again, to go to him, but my legs wouldn’t listen.
*He said sit, Hannah. Like a dog. Sit, Hannah. Stay, Hannah. Scream, Hannah.* Greta sneered, pointing at me from inside my skull. *That’ll come next. You never listen, but it will. He’s ruining you.*
No, he wouldn’t do that.
*He is. He already is.*
I shook my head hard enough to make myself dizzy, grabbing onto my knees, digging my nails into the red, sensitive skin. Raw. Like rugburn. Strange. Tearing my eyes away, I stared at Tomik again and fought the threatening tears.
“You wouldn’t hurt me, Tomik. You’d never hurt me. I love you, and you love me. We’re married.” Just as the words left my lips, my eyes found the shining diamond on my ring finger like a dream come true, and memories clattered into their places. Tomik inviting me to go with him on a photography trip to Rome. I remembered walking around the Parthenon, his camera clicking away as I smiled for him. I remembered Paris, Greece, Amsterdam—
*Moscow.*
Terrible things came with that word, made all the pretty memories shudder, horrible images leaking into the vision of clouds behind the Eiffel Tower. A storm. It had stormed that day in Paris. The day he asked me to marry him, the day we’d kissed in the rain—
*Lies. Lies. Lies!* Greta shouted, stomping one combat-booted foot in the black. *Remember, Hannah! REMEMBER!*
Pain lanced through my head, and I gasped. Violence and blood, so much blood. Men and pain. Hooks into skin, little holes left behind, soon-to-be-dead girls on the floor. A girl crying in silence, a beer bottle shoved inside. A tight latex suit on my skin. On my knees before Tomik, begging him to stop—
“Look at me, Hannah.”
He spoke, and I listened, chin lifted, eyes on his, and peace washed through me.
Bad dreams, just bad dreams.
*Not dreams. Real memories, not this made-up shit.*
“I wish I didn’t need to hurt you, my Hannah.” Tomik stepped closer, closed the gap between us in a few long strides, and then he touched my cheek. It was soft, warm. Good. “But do you remember why I hurt you?”
“Because I need it too, because I need you,” I whispered, because the words were right, even though they felt sort of wrong. But after I’d said them, they seemed to settle deep, to find all the niches in my head that needed filling. It made sense.
*It doesn’t. It’s another lie. He’s going to make you scream and cry.*
I think I like to scream for him.
*You don’t.*
“That’s right,” he said, smiling a little. A lopsided tilt to his lips as one side quirked up. Not quite the bright smile I remembered, but better than his serious stares. I smiled back, encouraging, and his thumb brushed under my mouth. “Are you hungry?”
*How gracious of him to fucking feed you. Breaking your brain into tiny pieces, but at least you won’t starve to death!* Greta flipped me off, or flipped Tomik off, it was hard to tell.
Maybe it was for both of us.
It didn’t matter though, my stomach did feel empty, and I nodded. “Yeah, I think I’m hungry.”
“Good, I had Alice make us some lunch.” Tomik offered his hand to me, and as soon as I took it, I was able to stand, to walk with him through a wide doorway and into a brilliantly bright dining room. The curtains were open, and he let go of my hand to let me wander to the windows, staring in wonder. I could see an arched bridge and the Sydney Opera House. I knew it from magazines and TV, but I’d never imagined I’d get to see it in person. It was beautiful, all bright white sweeping curves, and I was here. Really here.
Because Tomik had brought me here.
“I didn’t remember…” we were in Australia. I couldn’t say it out loud, because it felt wrong. Stupid to say aloud. Tomik had told me we were going to visit, hadn’t he? He did. When we were at the airport. A surprise.
*That’s at least true,* Greta grumbled, dropping back onto her shiny couch to glare. *You’d be able to remember more if he’d stop fucking with your head. Tell him that. Tell him that he’s going to make you glitch again if he keeps lying!*
“What is it, Hannah?” Tomik asked, coming up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. “I thought you’d love the view.”
“I do,” I answered, trying to brush away the strange girl, but how do you push something away that’s inside you? That’s a hell of a question.
*Hint-hint, there’s no fucking answer. I’m here to stay. You’re mine, and he’s going to break you.* The gray Greta girl lounged back, staring upward. *I just have to wait. It never takes long anymore. Glitchy, glitchy Hannah.*
My stomach growled, and Tomik chuckled against my ear. “You can stay here and enjoy the view. I’ll have Alice serve lunch.”
*Alice is another collectable. Just like you. Has to do whatever he says.* Greta whirled her finger in the blackness above her. *Round and round we go. Tell me when you want the fucking truth.*
I tried to ignore the girl, but staring out at the beautiful water, the bright sunlight glinting off the waves, it felt like cobwebs clearing out of my brain. Obeying. I’d obeyed him. Answer. Sit. Look.
*Want the truth yet?*
“Leave me alone,” I grumbled under my breath, and then jumped as I heard the rattle of a cart behind me. I turned fast to see a thin blonde girl pushing it, but she didn’t even look at me as she moved covered plates to the two place settings across from the windows. Next came the wine, poured into glasses and set on the table without a word, without a glance. Then the carafe of water, poured and placed.
*Talk to her.*
“Hi there,” I said, lifting a hand to wave at her, and she froze with her hands on the handle of the cart. “Are you Alice?”
The girl shuddered, twitched, and then Tomik appeared in the doorway wearing a T-shirt. “Answer her.”
“Yes, I’m Alice,” the girl replied, and her head turned stiffly. It was creepy, a sharp snap of her head to look at me, and then a quick jerk back to the cart before she started to push it out of the room.
*Zombie-robot girl. He does that to you too.*
An uneasy feeling unfurled in my belly, but then Tomik gave me another small smile and pulled a chair back from the table. “Ready for lunch?”
“It smells good,” I said as I went over to take the seat he’d offered me. This time I knew I’d walked over, I’d felt my own legs responding, felt in control as I sat down.
*Ready for the truth now?*
Stop it.
Tomik sat next to me, the rounded curve of the table letting us see each other and the view at the same time. He fluffed out his napkin and laid it in his lap, and I did the same… because I wanted to.
*He didn’t command you, dumbass.* Greta rolled her eyes and dropped back on the couch, lying down. *The nice shit won’t last, just remember I told you that.*
“She made lemon chicken with risotto. I remember how much you liked the risotto in Rome.” Lifting the covers off the plates, he set them aside and steam rose. I inhaled deeply, it smelled heavenly, and Tomik was already taking a bite, but as I picked up my fork my gaze drifted to the doorway he and Alice had come through.
“Is Alice okay?”
“What do you mean?” Tomik asked, talking through a mouthful of the chicken he’d sliced off while I’d been staring.
“She seemed… off?” I leaned back in my chair, trying to get a better look into the kitchen. I could see the edge of a counter, but no Alice.
*Mesmer’d. Just another toy. Just like you. Playing house with you like a doll before he decides to rip your head off and play inside it again.*
“Alice is fine. Don’t worry about her,” Tomik said casually as he leaned over to brush my cheek, and then I couldn’t remember why I’d been worried. She worked in this house he’d rented for us. Why wouldn’t she be okay?
“That’s good,” I answered with a smile and took a bite of the food. It tasted even better than it smelled. The citrus tang of the lemon exploded on my tongue with the first bite of chicken, and my stomach growled in appreciation. For a few minutes I was lost to the food, absorbed in each bite as my hunger abated to normal levels. From my left Tomik chuckled.
“I should have woken you earlier. I didn’t realize you were so hungry. But… the jet lag has really been bothering you.”
“I know.” I nodded, forcing myself to take the next forkful of risotto more slowly. “I didn’t mean to sleep so long.”
“It’s okay, my Hannah.” His fingers interlaced with mine on the table, squeezing as he held my hand. “What are you smiling about, angel?”
“I was just remembering the first time you held my hand.” I flexed my fingers, weaving us closer together before I gripped his hand tighter, reveling in the warmth of touching him. “I was so nervous and excited… I don’t think I would have even dared to dream we’d end up together. Like this. For real.”
*Not real.*
“Yeah… I think it took me a whole week to build up the courage to hold your hand,” Tomik answered quietly, and I glanced over at him to find his eyes firmly glued to where our hands were linked. “I’m not the kid you remember, Hannah. I’m not the same and… I don’t think I can ever be the same again. Not like I was.”
“You’re still the sa—”
“No,” he interrupted with a sharp squeeze of my hand that almost hurt. “I’m not.” Tomik took a slow breath, and his grip gradually eased. “We can’t be the same kids we were, Hannah. Neither of us can and… I’m sorry for that. But you said you wanted me.”
“I do want you, Tomik. Forever and ever.” The words buzzed through my veins, and I gripped his hand, hard, feeling the strength of his fingers between mine. “Whatever you think is different about us, we still chose each other, right?”
“Yeah… I guess you’re right.” He sighed and unwound our hands so he could rub at his neck, his quiet brown eyes meeting mine. “What is it about me, Hannah? Why do you want me? Why me?”
“I’ve always—”
“Really, Hannah. Tell me the truth”—his words were a bright spotlight inside me, lighting up the shuttered places, and I dropped the fork to the plate—“why did you keep pursuing me?”
“I…” My head spun. I remembered calling his parents, asking for a mailing address, a phone number, but they kept brushing me off. Telling me Tomik was always traveling, that his phone was rarely on because of the international rates, that they’d tell him I was thinking of him. But eventually I’d got the number out of them, and I’d called. I’d left a hundred voicemails, and then… one day he’d answered. Right?
*Wrong.*
No… he showed up, he came for me, invited me to Rome. He wanted me too.
*Wanted to fuck you. Hurt you. Finally hear you scream for him.*
“I always wanted you!” I said, too loudly, because I could barely hear myself think over the Greta girl, but he just stared at me, and I felt more words bubbling to the surface, pushing at my tongue, my lips. Tell the truth. “You’re the only person who ever saw me, Tomik. You’re the only one who ever tried. You never excluded me, you let me play D&D with you, let me hike with you… you never left me behind. You never abandoned me.
“But then you did! You left! You left me behind and it broke my fucking heart, Tomik. You took everything good with you when you left. You left, and the whole world lost all color, all meaning. You left a hole in me and… I was lost. Why wouldn’t I want you? You’re my missing piece, my other half, and I hated my life, hated myself without you! I hated everything!”
I gasped in air as I finished, feeling the tears burning my cheeks, but it was worth it to see Tomik’s stunned expression. I’d never said these things out loud, I knew that. Not in any of the beautiful places he’d shown me, not during any romantic dinner, or any night in bed together.
*Interesting…* Greta whispered, sitting up on the couch and leaning forward as she smiled. *Keep going, Hannah. I think you actually hurt him.*
“Hannah…” Tomik groaned, grabbing onto the sides of his head as he shoved his chair back so he could lean forward. “Fuck, I was trying to protect you.”
“From what!” I snapped, twisting in my chair to stare at him. “Tell me what you actually wanted to protect me from! SAY IT!”
“I already told you! From me! ME!” he shouted, cursing under his breath as he looked everywhere but me. The table, the window with its beautiful view, the shimmering light fixture above the table. And then he stared straight up, shaking his head. “I wanted to protect you from what I was becoming. From who I was becoming. I’m a mesmer, Hannah, and you’re collectable. I knew it. I’d felt inklings of it before I even knew what it was. The night we made out in the back of my truck, I could… feel it. This empty hunger, this bottomless darkness, and it wanted you. I wanted you. But it wasn’t that strong yet, I was able to push it away, I was able to keep it away from you. I was able to just kiss you. Just touch you a little.”
He licked his lips as his eyes drifted back down, his gaze skirting my face to land on my chest, and then he reached out and brushed the side of my breast through the soft, white dress. Every nerve ending in my body lit up, and I arched into his touch, a quiet moan escaping through parted lips.
“I remember touching your breasts, brushing your nipple for the first time. You made the sweetest little gasp, made that same little moan against my lips when I ran my clumsy hands over you.” Softly, he slid his thumb over my nipple, and I gasped, exactly like he’d described. “All I wanted was you, Hannah. I couldn’t even believe we were together, and it had taken seeing that fucker Edwin Hedgley kiss you to finally give me the balls to do something about it.”
Tomik pulled his hand away, his fingers curling into a fist as he pressed his knuckles into his thigh. I wanted to reach out and bring his hand back, but the tension in his shoulders made me stay still. A bitter laugh came out of him as he tore his gaze from me and shook his head.
“Touching you, feeling your body under mine… it was like striking a match, and once that fire had started, the rest of me started to burn. I woke up the next day and I felt different. I knew I was different. I tried to fight it, Hannah. I tried. For you. But more and more of me burned away until there was nothing left but darkness and thoughts in my head… I didn’t want them—but at the same time I did. I just didn’t want to do them to you. Not you. My best friend. My angel. My Hannah.”
“I don’t understand,” I whispered, almost soundlessly, terrified to break whatever spell had come over him.
“I did terrible things, Hannah. To Susan…” He swallowed hard, reaching for the wine and downing half the glass in one go.
*You should probably drink too,* Greta said, and in my mind I could see her eating popcorn, sitting cross-legged on the shiny black couch. *This is the information we need to destroy him, Hannah. Keep him talking.*
Leave him alone.
*Fuck no. He’s a monster. Ask him what he did to Susan.*
Instead of doing what my strange mental figment demanded, I reached for the wine. It could have been delicious, or terrible, I didn’t know because I couldn’t taste anything. My taste buds were as numb as the rest of me. Bereft of his touch, I couldn’t feel anything at all, and I didn’t know why… but I was afraid to ask about Susan. The girl who had been a friend. Not close, but we’d had enough classes together. Enough for me to miss her when her parents pulled her out of school. Enough of a friend that I went to her house to ask about her after Tomik disappeared. Her mother had cried the day I came by, and I still remembered the soft way her father had explained I couldn’t see her. The way he’d thanked me before he’d shut the door in my face. She’d gone mute, lost her mind, or at least that’s what the rumors had said.
*The same week Tomik disappeared. Ask him, Hannah. Ask him, ask him, ask him!*
“Tomik… what—”
“I left to protect you, Hannah. To protect you from me, from what I was becoming, from this. From the man, the mesmer I am now.” He buried his face in his hands, elbows braced on his thighs, and all I wanted to do was hug him. Mesmer, he kept using that word. I wanted to take all the darkness away, I wanted to show him it was okay. We were together, so it had to be okay. But before I could move, he whispered something so quietly I would have missed it had I budged an inch. “I should have stayed away.”
“No, Tomik.” I shook my head and pushed my chair back so I could grab onto his arm, pulling his hand into my lap to grip it tight once more. “I was miserable without you in my life, and—”
