Handle With Care, page 1
To my family and other animals (because for this book, only a Durrellesque dedication would do!)
Contents
1. Kolkata Durga Pujas: Armed and Marvellous
Pause for Thought: Finding Magic in the Mundane
2. London: Night at the Museum
3. Gotham: Batman’s Lair
Pause for Thought: Ponchos Aren’t Forever
4. Delhi and Rajasthan: The Golden Veggie Triangle
Pause for Thought: Travelling as a Twosome
5. Corfu: Garden of the Gods
6. Amsterdam: Sex, Drugs, and Sunflowers
Pause for Thought: Going Solo
7. Zurich: Moo-ving On
8. Sheffield: Nerves of Steel
9. Nottingham: Second Chances in Sherwood
Pause for Thought: Qualities of a Tripfella
10. New York and Las Vegas: Lady Liberty
Pause for Thought: Stop and Smell the Kaapi
11. Odisha and Kerala: Southern Comfort
12. Manila: Call of the Sea
Pause for Thought: The Best Exotic Literary Tour Company
13. England and Wales: The Game Is Afoot
14. Dorset: Four Go Off in a Caravan
15. Haworth: Wuthering Heights
Pause for Thought: Tots Can Trot
16. Wales: Train to the Top
17. Disneyland, Paris: Never Never Land
Paws for Thought: Our Canine Conundrum
18. Wye Valley: Puppy Love
19. Whitby: The Wet Dog in the Night-time
20. Travelling in India: Horn OK Please
21. Hong Kong, Bangkok, and Oman: Schoolgirl Errors
Pause for Thought: Gallivanting with a Gaggle
22. Nainital: The One with Friends
23. London: Orf with Their ’Eads
24. Nepal: The Hills Are Alive
Pause for Thought: A Plan for All Seasons
25. France in Summer: Le Grand Prix
26. Cambridge in Early Spring: The Queen’s Gambit
27. Britain in Winter: Christmas Chronicles
28. Kolkata in the Monsoon: Homecoming Joys
Final Pause: No Place Like Home … However Many Places That Might Be
Sources
Acknowledgements
About the Book
About the Author
Copyright
1
Kolkata Durga Pujas
Armed and Marvellous
There is magic in the air in Kolkata tonight. The autumnal night sky is lit with rainbow hues. These colours reflect off the pandals, those magnificent, glittering, multicoloured marquees. Tonight, our pandal-hop starts from south Kolkata’s Selimpur and ends at Park Circus. The Gariahat road on which we walk is long and busy. We see hundreds of pandals, big and small, all decked up as distinctively as can be. We spot everything from a giant-bird marquee to the slightly less fantastical South Indian temple. We stop at a pagoda-like one in Ballygunge. It is stately, not serene. Nothing is serene during the Pujas. Though the air is filled with loud music and voices, the pagoda is worth a halt and deserves a better look. But that’s precisely our problem. We – two little children and their diminutive mom – don’t think we will get that better look tonight. In fact, close to the ground as we are, even the magic in the air slightly eludes us. Air itself does too, hemmed in as we are by a large, surging crowd, jostling and jabbering.
‘Oh, Mommy,’ said my seven-year-old daughter, ‘it’s bootiful, but I can barely breathe.’
It was clearly time for the Himshim Manoeuvre. Similar to the Heimlich Manoeuvre, Himshim brings release from a peculiar kind of choking particular to Kolkata at Pujo-time. I was about to find out if I’d grown rusty from my many years away. Gripping my children’s hands tightly, I ploughed through the palaver of people till we breathed refreshingly un-regurgitated air on a quieter side street. There were enough people there still to fill a small hall, but it was undoubtedly easier to breathe. Soon spirited home in our car down similar back streets, the children were relieved but also eager for more. ‘Shall we do it again?’ asked our young man of nine.
Of course we would! That’s why we were in Kolkata for the Pujas after twelve long years. We visited annually but till this year, the kids had seemed too young to enjoy the colour and chaos of the Pujas to the full. And much like the Goddess Durga’s own homecoming, as celebrated by the Pujas, this was meant to be a triumphant one. We weren’t meant to scuttle away after a single attempt at rubbernecking. We had not covered ourselves in Pujo-hopping glory on our first foray into the festivities. I was, however, determined not to be deterred by a puny crowd of thousands. Did Durga down arms and slink away when confronted by the macho Mahishasura? No, she grappled him to the ground instead. And so would I, I decided, find a way to master the Pujas all over again, introducing its magic and mayhem to my eager young ’uns in the most painless way possible.
I could no longer, I had to admit, flow through crowds like Saraswati’s swan through water, or match Ganesh’s nose for the finest grub. This time around, for example, it took a while to find the most mouth-watering double-chicken-egg rolls at the resplendent Park Circus Puja, which would have been the work of a mere few practised seconds years ago. Yet, some things hadn’t changed. The enthusiasm was still there, as was the pluck. Most of all, the mind ticketh over as before. It was formulating a plan with the practicality of Lakshmi and the maternal instincts of Durga. And that all-conquering arsenal in the latter’s ten powerful arms? I would need those too. Just adapted to less epic requirements to help me navigate, in feeble NRI ishtyle, this once-familiar festival:
First of all, I’d need the goddess’s three eyes. All the better to see the Pujas with. Our plan was to stick to familiar but spectacular south and central pujas near our Kolkata home on this trip, venturing farther north to take in more traditional beauties on the next. Within the span we set ourselves, we chose Mudiali for its glitz, Jodhpur Park for its ingenuity, and Maddox Square for its fashionable folk, of course. The second eye would help me watch the children, no matter how firm a hold I had on them at the time. And the third one, with a 360-degree sweep, would keep tabs on the insistent peddlers and even more persistent pinchers (of bags and other ‘b’ words).
Then I’d need a conch. The goddess’s conch blasting out a primordial ‘Om’ apparently created whole universes. Mine would just need to drown out the cacophony of loudspeakers. Not only when we were out Pujo-trawling, but all the time. Whether at home with family, digging into autumnal delicacies like malpoas and kosha mangsho, or in the thick of a meaty adda, there are always PA systems blaring for the Pujas. But though my conch would have to out-boom those speakers, it mustn’t drown out the dhakis, the traditional drummers beating a rhythmic tattoo through the festival. The rousing beat of the dhakis is simply divine and no Pujo could be complete without them. The best of them at a modest puja in Gol Park made my heart and my children dance, and the conch was forgotten.
Along with the goddess’s three eyes, you’d want her trishul or trident. Because what’s the point of being all-seeing if you can’t be all-doing as well? One prong of which in our more humdrum not-creating-universes sort of way could be a nimble DSLR to take phenomenal pictures of the Pujas. Of the always-elegant Ekdalia, the often splendid-in-a-tight-space Dhakuria, or the incandescent College Square (not in south Kolkata, I know, but an old favourite). Or you could have a nifty (and tightly-clutched) smartphone instead that not only takes photos, but gives you directions when lost, which you’re bound to get, with every street changed beyond recognition by the beautification and the barricades. The second prong could be the water bottles and stash of ‘bishkoot’ you plan to keep with you for the kids. When stuck in a traffic jam in between pandals as you invariably will be, Marie bishkoot or ‘Kerackjack’ will keep them occupied. The third and final prong of your trishul would have to be for despatching pests of all kinds – the ones you’ve identified with your omniscient third eye. Then your trident and your mace (a lot like the Devi’s, except it works like a spray) will make short work of them.
The deity’s sword would come in handy too. It signifies a sharp intellect, and you certainly need to be able to think on your feet when out and about on a blazingly beautiful but busy Pujo night. In fact, with children, afternoons and even early mornings are much better for unimpeded viewing. We found smaller, back-alley pandals to be far more child-friendly. The children were blown away by the peacock marquee in Lake Gardens, and couldn’t bear to leave the Fern Road pandal with its illuminated and animated animals. The friendliness of these parar pujos with locals warmly and personally ushering us in, added immeasurably to the experience.
Don’t forget Durga’s bow and arrow either, symbols of energy, of which you’ll need oodles for a proper pandal-crawl through even a quarter of Kolkata. Because when the sublime sculptors of Kumartuli get together with the masters of illumination from Chandannagar and the inspired pandal-makers from all over the city, there is very little you’d want to miss, even if you have to run the gauntlet of all of Bengal to do it.
You really will require the Devi’s thunderbolt to light your way through those very crowds. And to create the occasional diversion when you want to manoeuvre the kids to the front because no amount of craning will allow them to see. Of course, keen night vision like that of Lakshmi’s owl would help too, to savour the splendid sights while sidestepping the decorously covered potholes. Add to that Durga’s inextinguishable flame, emblem of knowledge (which is precisely what I didn’t hav
Well, almost. We can’t ignore her fearsome lion. Or my pair of cubs, less fearsome but as keen to get going. They are what this trip back to the motherland at this time of the year is about. With a firm grip on them and my good sense, taking care to stay stocked on all kinds of supplies, practical and metaphorical, I am ready to introduce them to the magic of the Durga Pujas. To the delight of dancing lights, delicious festive food, and that magnificent array of awe-inspiring pandals and majestic idols, that only Kolkata at Pujo time can provide.
Pause for Thought: Finding Magic in the Mundane
That was four years ago. It is summer now in Kolkata. The fans are whirring, moving the hot air around inside the house, which pursues the inmates as they dive, relieved, under showers and fans. Outside, the streets are baking in the sun, with what little vegetation there was on the edges wilting like the people crammed into flats. Ordinarily, the slow summer months would have slid into a crisp autumn, and then in a flurry of colour, artistry and energy, the eagerly awaited festivities – the Durga Pujas – would have arrived. We have flight tickets to be there this year too, but we don’t think we’ll make it in the middle of this most unexpected pandemic.
‘All this will be over in a few months,’ Didou declares, with a certainty I know she doesn’t feel, on our twice-weekly video conference with them (made more frequent by the lockdown). My mother, the children’s maternal grandmother in faraway Kolkata, is just as anxious as we are about the terrible situation the world finds itself in. Yet, October is a long way away, and things might indeed improve in time. Till then, the good memories of our last visit to Kolkata will keep both the children and their grandparents happy. ‘The fish fry and mishti doi will be waiting for you, whenever you can join us next,’ their Dadu, my father, reassures. ‘And boy, is it going to be a shock to our systems after the solitude of these months!’
‘A shock indeed. But our holidays are always full of surprises,’ I chortle with the two children and our dog, when the videocall is done. ‘Even the ones that give us a jolt, where something unexpected and not entirely pleasant happens, can be fun in retrospect. Ones to remember!’
‘We’ve had all sorts of mishaps on holiday, haven’t we?’ The son giggles at the memory.
‘But wouldn’t dispense with any of them,’ I finish for him.
As an everyday family, striving to keep ends neatly tied in every situation, including holidays, even as we manage to enjoy it all a great deal, very little that we do goes to plan. It will rain, or we’ll get lost, or fall sick, or something surreal will happen. That’s not because we overreach with our holidays, not at all; we have modest ones. With the exception of our one long trek to India every year, they are neither expensive, nor extravagant, or extreme in any way.
We are, as I said, just an ordinary family of five. My husband Steve is in finance, has a beard, wears glasses, and sings out of key. But he also cooks marvellously, photographs with flair, fixes every seemingly insurmountable problem, and is our rock. The daughter is a bright spark, rebellious but creative, loving and buoyant, while the son, our exceedingly stubborn deep-thinker, is both quiet and fun. As for the dog, well, the dog is daft, but adorable and full of boundless energy. And I? You’ll get to know me as we go along. Together we make quite the quirky clan, living on the edge of Nottingham, in green and shady Sherwood Forest.
Except for those interludes in the year, when we strike out beyond the forest for our adventures in the world. ‘We always find magic when we do,’ the daughter exclaims, her face lighting up as she remembers the many enchanted sojourns we’ve been fortunate to have over the years. ‘It’s almost as if it follows us,’ the young man agrees. We know it’s nothing we knowingly do. We don’t stretch our pockets, or even ourselves sometimes, except in the most gentle, pleasurable, inconspicuous way. But out of that unique maelstrom that make up our holidays, emerge the unexpected and the marvellous. While I reckon it is the frisson between us all that makes it so fabulous, the children, including the dog, believe it’s something in the forest. Luna, our pup, certainly dashes into its green thickets often enough in search of this benevolent presence.
Because the near at hand can indeed be magical, especially when it is close to the heart. And that, you might say, is our philosophy – in life as in travel.
2
London
Night at the Museum
‘Is that a raptor snoring?’ our seven-year-old daughter asked wide-eyed.
Waking in the dead of night to thunderous snores reverberating around us, I couldn’t immediately remember where I was. My nine-year-old son was on the ball though. ‘Raptors aren’t big enough to snore like THAT. It’s gotta be a T-Rex!’ Not far from the row of gigantic fossils behind which we’d settled for the night, there was indeed something loud, and quite possibly very large, snoring. And it wasn’t Daddy because he’d been woken by it too. Nor had we breached a gap in the time–space continuum and travelled back to the Cretaceous Period. Or been magically transported to Conan Doyle’s Lost World or the blockbuster Jurassic Park. Looking up, I could see the humongous skeleton of a more modern leviathan – the blue whale that had washed up on English shores in 1891 – taking up most of the vaulted ceiling of our vast bedroom for the night, and it all came back. We were participating in ‘Dino Snores’, a sleepover event at the Natural History Museum in London, home to 800 million species spanning 4.5 billion years on earth. Designed to teach kids about the natural world in a new and interesting way, it was certainly working because, shaken from our sleeping bags by locomotive-like rumblings in the magnificent Hintze Hall in the early hours, we now knew that dinosaurs definitely snored!
On a torch-lit tour earlier that night, we’d learnt another pack of eye-opening facts about them. Again, in the most unexpected way. After togging up for the adventure with dino T-shirts we’d designed on site, we struck out on the trail of the mystery dinosaur we were instructed to find. Armed with paper to note down clues, and a crayon each to defend ourselves, we walked through the darkened halls guided by torchlight. It wasn’t long before we were hoovering up the clues and gathering the facts we’d been told to, expecting to scoot back to base in no time, and congratulating ourselves on a job nearly done.
No spooky skeleton or fearsome fossil – and we’d brushed past plenty – was going to stop us acing our mission. The clearly extinct and obviously fossilized don’t frighten us, we laughed as we went. In fact, we oohed with delight when our torchlight found an imposing, 135-million-year-old iguanodon, and we aahed in wonder when our beam alighted on an astoundingly tank-like triceratops. But then something went bump in the night. Something that sounded distinctly alive. Our flashlights wobbled to a halt on a blinking eye, and then on the razor-sharp talons clawing the air a mere hair’s breadth from us! It was scaly. It was screeching. It was one of those rapacious raptors!
It was also a robot, we realized quickly. One of the several animatronic dinosaurs scattered through the museum. We gave it a wide berth regardless, only to back into one that chittered greedily in our ears. Careful not to stumble into any of the other large lizards, especially those that seemed to be monitoring our every move, we arrived at our last set of clues. The mystery dinosaur of our quest turned out to be an enormous, roaring, foot-stomping T-Rex, filling the room as only the king of dinosaurs can. It seemed to take a swipe at us in the semi-darkness, making our entire torch-lit tribe jump. Then, with a gnashing of large, glinting teeth and wild swerves of its gigantic head, the fifteen-foot creature appeared to advance on us. And though everyone knew it was a robot and fixed to the floor, as a body we decided it was time for that king-sized snack we had been asked to bring along.
But enthusiastic as we were, many of us were not spring oviraptorosaurs any more, and we woke the next morning with aches and pains worthy of explorers. Yet, while my husband and I felt as if our old bones had been tested and bested by thin mats and those disturbingly thick snores, the children were raring to go. We found ourselves sitting campfire-style around a tottering pile of large boxes for one last communion with critters. And this bunch was very definitely alive. From furry friends like meerkats and South American chinchillas, to creepy crawlies such as African tarantulas and scaly slitherers like a young but already formidable boa constrictor, the man in charge trotted them out, one after another, to the delight and occasional horror of the hundred-strong crowd of children. Very few got the opportunity to touch, some more got to eyeball up close, but every kid learnt something new that day. As well as the night before. But amidst the lessons, the drama, and the comedy, a little swirl of mystery clung to our experience. Whose were those earth-shaking snores after all?
