Becoming the Enigma, page 4
Logan lifted his head and tilted to look at the bathroom floor. They were both barefoot. If they took a step in any direction, the undersides of their feet could be sliced open.
"We need to move carefully." His breath tickled her skin. "I'm going to let go now."
Katey’s fingertips squeezed his arms, a wordless protest to the idea.
"I know," he said, understanding perfectly. "It'll be all right. I'm not going to leave you."
She swallowed hard and took a moment to prepare herself, then nodded. With the utmost care, Logan released her body, but transferred his hold to her hands. They picked gaps between the broken mirror and were back in the hall.
Out of his arms and out of the bathroom, a knot of nausea clamped over her stomach and fresh adrenaline shot through her limbs, making her tremble. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry," was all she could manage to say in a jumbled, blubbering way.
Logan stepped closer and cupped her face between his hands to shush her manic sobs. "It's fine. It happens. It's very normal, okay? We've all been through it."
That wasn't a consolation. Katey expected better from herself. She had to prove she could do this, that she could manage the wolf and her temper. But where did the wolf begin and Katey end? How much of that outburst was her and how much was the wolf? Did she instigate the rage and the wolf fanned it into a roaring flame? How was she supposed to get through a normal day without flying off the handle like that? The thought that perhaps she couldn’t, made her want to cry even harder.
Dustin's approach with a broom had her tamping down the rest of her unshed tears as Logan wiped away the moisture on her cheeks.
"Might want to get her cleaned up," the beta said. "This will take me a while."
Logan forced her to meet his crystalline blue eyes. "Let's go downstairs to the other bathroom."
All the fight had gone out of her, and she let him lead her away. Katey refused to lift her stare as they made their way down the hall and across the house. She couldn't bear the looks the rest of the pack must have given her from the breakfast nook. Thankfully, they didn't say a word, but she sensed Darren rise from his chair and follow them down the hall to the half bathroom off the billiard room.
Like a helpless child, she let Logan turn on the faucet in the sink and wash away the blood. The water turned red against the white porcelain before swirling down the drain. She expected his strokes to hurt as he rubbed over the places where sharp edges carved into her skin. But his hands passed over her perfectly healed wrist and knuckles. Just like the spot on her shoulder where Logan had bitten her, there was no evidence of what she did.
"She's all right," Logan told Darren standing in the doorway.
Was she? Wasn't this some sign that she needed to be watched more closely? That she needed a guardian after all? That she couldn't be trusted around others?
"You two may be late for second period exams," Darren said. "I'll inform Lisa. This may be a good thing. Avoid the crowds."
Fighting weariness, Katey looked up to her alpha, a muted, panicked question in her eyes.
"Only if you feel up for it,” he assured.
Katey gulped back the flash of anxiety and gratefulness. They were willing to give her another chance, but also a pass if she wanted to forfeit the challenge of going to school. Did that mean what she did was meaningless? That it was not as terrible as she thought it was? That made no sense.
Logan cut off the water and took up a towel to dry her hands. Again, he took care of her as if she couldn't do that herself. "Let’s get some breakfast, then you can decide."
Katey snapped out of her daze. "No... I'll go."
She had to make up for what she did, to take the second chance she was given. Maybe this morning was a slip up, a temporary lapse in judgment brought on by an overflow of emotions. That was what they all acted like anyway. Katey knew she could do better and she had to show them.
Logan and Darren didn't seem too shocked, and the alpha gave a nod before pulling out his phone to make the call. "Take your time."
When Darren was out of the way, Logan turned Katey around and forced her to look up at him again. "Are you absolutely sure? No one will think less of you."
Checking herself, Katey realized she wasn't shaking as violently anymore, and a bit of her strength returned. "I'm sure."
Logan studied her, his stare devoid of affection and then let out a breath. "Next time you feel that mad again, close your eyes, clear your mind, and count. I know it sounds silly, but it can work. Count to ten or a hundred if you have to, but as long as you need until it goes away and you can think straight."
Katey listened and nodded, but she wondered just how effective it would be when the reason for her rage would never go away. Every time she looked at Logan, she'd be reminded that they couldn't be together until she got a handle on her loup-garou life. She needed that to happen sooner rather than later. She doubted any other loup-garou was as driven as she would be to earn that independence.
"It's also easier to deal with your anger when you've eaten. I know you're not big into breakfast, but it's going to be important that you try to eat three meals a day, if not more."
Katey’s face wrinkled like she tasted something awful. "I don't know if I could eat anything right now. I'm... I'm too nervous about the exams. I studied a lot, but I don't know if I'll be able to focus enough." Right now, she couldn’t remember a damned thing she learned over the last few months at school, besides what had happened just within the last week.
A corner of Logan’s mouth tilted. "I think once you get into it, you'll find your information recall is much better than it used to be. If you're not going to eat, Darren will probably send us off with hunger suppressors."
"Hunger suppressors?"
"It's something a loup-garou scientist came up with. It holds back our hunger for a short time, but shouldn't be used all the time. He makes other things like pain killers specially formulated for our body chemistry. Darren keeps a stash of different little cures in his room.”
Logan moved around her to the bathroom door, but then turned back. Either in her face or through the pack bond, he must have sensed her general apprehension. Today would probably be the hardest day of her life, if this morning was any indication of that. Hopping from one foster home to the next would be nothing compared to all of this, yet everyone had faith that she’d pull through. She had to have faith in herself, but all she felt was… overwhelmed.
"Don't worry about today. It hasn't been that long that I can’t remember how rough this must be for you. I'll be right there the whole time to keep you on track if that's what you need."
She nodded and tried to take comfort in that. They may not have been an official couple, or whatever it was that they were before he turned her, but he was still here. It may have been out of obligation, or that he had much more patience to wait through the years, but he was still in her life. That was something.
Chapter 3
By Katey’s estimation, they would end up arriving at school almost right on time. Instead of driving separately, Logan had suggested that he drive her to school instead of the other way around. With her new senses, her reflexes may have been better, but driving, like everything else, would be a brand new experience. Katey gave in, but not without some eye rolling. She didn’t like the idea of letting someone else drive her car, but there was logic in what Logan said. That became clear once they were on the road and Katey’s eardrums felt as if they would vibrate out of her head from just the road noise.
Before they left the house, Darren had entrusted Logan with their lunches, an exorbitant amount of deer steak and sliced roast beef, most of which would be for Katey. She may have taken some hunger suppressors, but there was no telling how the pills would affect her. New loups-garous were not supposed to go too long without eating, especially within the first twenty-four hours.
For the first half of the commute, they sat in silence. Through their bond, Katey could tell that Logan was just as conflicted as she was, though she wasn’t sure why. With one elbow propped against the edge of the driver’s side door and fingers thoughtfully grazing across his chin and cheek, Katey wondered what was on his mind.
In an effort to sneak the truth out of him, she said, “I’m sorry Darren’s making you go with me. I’m sure you would rather be sleeping off what… what happened last night.”
He shook his head, gaze still fixed on the road. “It’s fine. I’d rather go and make sure you’re all right.”
Katey shifted against the seat and sucked in a breath. “What about that whole sleep deprivation thing?”
“I’ll be all right. I’ll probably sleep during the exams anyway. Mrs. Kimbrough won’t like it, but Darren will understand… Unless he decides to be a sadistic ass about it.”
That made her smile a little, but her thoughts trailed back to exactly why he was tired, and why he walked a little stiffly around the house that morning. “Did you know that they would do that to you?”
He blinked slowly, as if the memory of his punishment caused him pain. “No, I didn’t.”
Katey couldn’t stop herself. “If you knew what they would do, would you still have… you know.”
His blue eyes darted in her direction and he sighed. “I don’t know… I wasn’t thinking clearly yesterday. I… I let my wolf take control of the situation and I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why did you?”
“The wolf is braver than I am, but also more reckless. It didn’t care that I could have killed you, but we… we agreed so strongly on one thing that I made the logic work when I should have left it alone.”
Katey tried to follow what he meant. “So, you regret it?”
Logan finally looked at her dead-on, but he froze before he could answer, then turned back to the road. After some thought, he said, “I regret putting you in that position to make a life or death decision, and swaying that decision in my own favor without regard to your safety.”
That sounded so rehearsed, as if he had been thinking about it ever since he woke up in the sitting room the evening before, or like it came out of Darren’s mouth instead of his own.
Then, came the hardest question of all, the one Katey wasn’t sure she wanted to ask, but knew she had to. “If I had said no… would you have turned me anyway, since you wanted it that badly?”
Logan rubbed his face as they entered the city limits. They had a couple of stoplights before reaching the school and Katey would not let him get out of the car before answering her.
“I don’t know what I would have done.” At the first red light, he stared at her. “Would you have still said yes if you were facing the real me instead of the wolf?”
Katey’s mouth twitched into a tiny smile. She had been thinking about that too. “I would have. You didn’t scare me into saying yes. I already knew it was what I wanted, but Darren said it wouldn’t happen, so I wasn’t going to push for it… I wanted this, Logan. Please don’t let them convince you that this is bad.”
A line formed between Logan’s brows. “Katey, I could have killed you. Nothing about that is a good thing. I don’t care if it was for a good reason, if you wanted it, or that it all turned out fine in the end… I could have killed you.”
He talked slowly at that last part, biting out each word as if they were driving the nails into his own coffin. Katey heard him, acknowledged the pain, but she would be the last person in the world to condemn him.
“I would have preferred death over a future without you in it.”
The light turned green and Logan said nothing as he eased into the intersection, but a wealth of emotion passed through their bond to tell her that what she said meant a great deal to him. They may have had to wait, but that didn’t mean Katey loved him any less. It was less that made her say yes, not the wolf, and not logic. Even if she said as much, could he have accepted it?
The next light was green, and they slowed through the school zone before turning onto the campus. Right about then, Katey realized they wouldn’t speak any more about it. Not that morning, anyway. Whenever, or if ever, he wanted to return to the subject, she’d be ready.
The campus still hummed with activity by the time Logan pulled Katey’s jeep into a parking stall.
Logan turned to her after he shut off the engine. “Do you want to wait in here for a little while?”
She stared out the window, already overwhelmed by all the sounds inside the building that somehow reached her within the safety of her own jeep. Was this what they all heard on a daily basis? No wonder they wanted to live out in the middle of nowhere. If she had enough courage to take back her choice to go to school, she would have demanded they go back to the house where it was quiet.
“No, I can do this.”
Logan gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and they made their way across the parking lot. Katey kept her head down and stayed close to Logan’s side, merely following his scent to stay with him. Through the harsh scents of the city and parking lot, she was amazed that she could recognize anything. When they entered the school, Katey ran into a wall of smells and sounds that left her reeling as if she were hit by a sledgehammer.
They all mingled together in a discord that made her head swim. For a moment, all she could do was stagger and grope for something stable to cling to.
Logan was there in an instant to steady her. “Are you all right?”
Stunned into silence, she couldn’t answer and squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to block it all out somehow. Shuffling feet, whispers down the hall, the roar of copy machines, and odors that were indistinguishable from one another, but still familiar all crowded around her.
After a moment, Logan pulled Katey back outside to recover. “If it’s too much for you, Darren said you don’t have to be here. We can leave now and go back home.”
She opened her watering eyes and stretched out her sinus cavities with her facial muscles. “No, I’m fine,” she said through a sniffle and cough.
He sighed in a way that made her think he pitied her struggle. “Try to block it out. Just focus only on what you want to hear and nothing else. It’ll take a while, but all of it can become just background noise without even trying.”
That was what Darren said before, but she wasn’t going to snap at Logan that she already knew that. Katey nodded and steeled herself before they walked back in. This time, she tried as Logan suggested and tuned out much of the chaos, letting it become white noise. It worked for the most part, but Katey couldn’t wait to get into a quiet classroom where students would be silently testing instead of screaming.
Logan edged closer to Katey and took her hand in his, gripping it firmly. She jumped and turned her inquisitive eyes up to him. They had never held hands like this in front of so many people. Was it to comfort her, or to claim her? With the way teenagers noticed stuff like that, rumors were bound to make their rounds through the grapevine before the end of the day. Did Logan realize that? Did he not care?
His eyes were fixed upon the crowd, keeping a sharp eye for anything and everything as if he were her bodyguard, as if ready to jump in and intercept her from danger or any minor inconvenience. His hand was rough and a little damp with sweat, as was hers, but she held on tightly despite her jittery nerves.
As they were halfway to Mrs. Kimbrough’s room for their English semester exam, and the initial shock of sensory overload began to subside, she realized she could sense something else entirely new.
Emotions.
They passed by students filled with joy and anxiety over the coming exams, which was to be expected. She felt it all so keenly, like invisible auras around their bodies that only her wolf could sense. She knew dogs could sometimes read the energy in humans, but she hadn’t thought wolves could do the same. Their main method of communication was body language, and humans could be masters of putting off one emotion while feeling another. She knew that all too well.
Grouped around a set of lockers were several girls, all happy and giggling amongst themselves about some juicy gossip. Amongst them was a girl that Katey knew. She was top of their class, beautiful, easy going with all the students, envied by the freshmen girls for her grace, and a prize to be won by the senior studs. But Katey was thrown off guard by something she hadn’t expected to see. The girl was smiling and laughing, but Katey could sense a deep sadness within her. She recognized that sadness.
She froze in the middle of the hallway and stared at the girl who wore a mask just like Katey had only weeks ago to hide how she truly felt from the rest of the world. The depression this girl gave off was so consuming that Katey could feel it thicken around her like mud, even from across the hall.
How could this girl, who seemed totally different from Katey, suffer the same way that she had? What did this girl have to be so sad about? This extra sense for emotions could have been a blessing, but Katey could only see it as a burden. She knew that this girl was struggling, and yet, there was little she could do to help.
Logan must have seen the distraught look in Katey’s face and followed her gaze to the girl. He sighed heavily and wrapped his arm around her waist to lead her out of the way of student traffic.
“Logan...” Katey managed to whisper. The swell of emotions tightened around her throat and threatened to choke her.
He continued to lead her toward the senior hallway. “I know. Just keep going.”
“But, can’t we—”
“I already asked Darren about her. There’s not much we can do unless she asks for help.”
Katey didn’t want to accept that. Her wolf, too, couldn’t accept it. She wanted to heal that hurt somehow, just like the pack had tried to help her when she suffered behind the mask.
She tried to put it out of her mind as they entered the classroom. An effective distraction looked up from her phone and gasped at the two of them.
Lily gawked at her friend’s new body and Katey forced a weak smile as she wondered how many layers of perfume Lily had sprayed on before leaving the house that morning. She smelled more like a walking chemical factory than the usual flowery perfume Katey knew.
