Casstiel; Born of Lightning, page 12
“Ah—” Ashara appeared startled by the question, and Cass knew she was once again worrying about shifting.
“No, thank you,” Skye snapped, eyes flashing.
The happiness Cass felt at Aries calling him Pepaw was quickly overshadowed by anger at Skye’s attitude. Yup, it was one step forward and two back with her. Realizing there was never going to be a good time, he decided to confront Skye. “Uncle Zales took me to where you followed Wren. You should’ve told us.” He was still worried about the things his daughter was doing.
Skye didn’t reply, just dug into her food, then she lowered the utensil she was using. “Did you at least figure out what it was?”
“We believe it’s an Ilyium lab,” Cass told her.
“So are you going to destroy it?” she asked.
“Not yet. For now we are just watching it.” Cass thought about the strange ward his lightning magic hadn’t been able to penetrate.
“I can help,” Skye offered.
That was the last thing Cass wanted. “I think we have it covered. Zales has some of his rebels on stakeout duty.”
“But—”
Cass interrupted, “Please, Skye. I don’t want you going there again, all right?”
“You can’t start telling me what to do all of a sudden, Casstiel.”
“Skye,” Cass growled low in his chest. “Actually, I can. I’m your father.”
Skye stood up. “No, you stopped being a father the day Mata died.” Then she shot Ashara a hate-filled sneer before looking at Aries. “Come on, it’s time to go flying.” Turning away, she stormed off.
Aries bit his lip but didn’t move.
“It’s all right, go.” The truth of Skye’s words hit like a blow to the stomach, making him feel sick.
Aries looked at him uncertainly.
“Really, it’s fine. Your company will probably be good for her.”
“Okay.” Aries got up, and with a last look at them, took off after his sister.
Cass sighed and looked at Ashara. “What about you? You ready to yell at me yet?”
“I’m sorry you two are having so much trouble right now, and I hate that I’m adding to it,” Ashara said.
Her quiet understanding made Cass want to swear. “That’s not your fault. She can deal. But she is right about the other.” He looked down at the rest of his food, with no desire to touch any of it.
“And so are you. No matter what happened before, it’s obvious you love them, and you are their father.”
Cass didn’t respond. How could he? That feeling of having failed was all-consuming, and just when he tried to make peace with it, it reared its ugly head and shook him like a dog with a bone, not ready to let him forget.
“Will you still show me how to shift into my dragon?” Ashara asked, as if knowing that he could use the distraction.
“Of course.”
“Well, I’ve eaten all that I can, and you look done, so where do we do this?”
Cass thought about it, then stood up. “I know just the place.” Then he paused. “First, I’d like to show you something.”
CHAPTER 27
Sunset on Angel
* * *
Cass led her through the village, around one of Angel’s wings to the other side, where there were steps worn into the stone. “You want me to climb up there?”
“Yes, you go up first,” he said and then followed close behind her, in case she slipped.
Once she reached the top, Ashara drew in a deep breath, looked down, then outward, and gasped.
Tartaria’s three suns were setting and the field stretching toward the horizon looked like a shimmering sea of reds and pinks.
“Oh, it’s beautiful.”
“It is,” Cass agreed, staring at her. Fire shown in her eyes, and suddenly he could feel her longing. Dreams that she’d never let herself feel.
“Do you come here often?” she asked in a whisper, without taking her eyes from the magic transforming over the land into soft red and gold hues.
“No.” His chest tightened. “Not anymore.” He used to love sitting and watching the suns rise and set. The peace that would enter him, wiping for those few moments the brutal horror of death that was his life, had been his favorite times of the day.
“When was the last time?” Ashara asked.
Cass glanced out at the fiery red orbs. “Over ten years ago. Maya was supposed to meet me.” Agony speared him at the thought of his mate and that long-ago day. “But she was busy.”
“I’m sorry. I heard she was a healer,” Ashara said, changing the subject. A breeze blew a stand of black hair into her face.
She is so very different in every way from Maya, Cass thought as Ashara shoved the hair away. “Maya was a great healer. She wasn’t a fighter, but she was fierce in her own way. She was highly sought for her healing power and skill.”
“Skill?”
“Yes, she trained at the Medical Institute of Yara,” he answered.
“Good for her, but that must’ve been hard for you. Were you already mated?” Ashara asked.
Cass swallowed, remembering just how hard it had been. “No, and it damn near killed me. I’d been trying to get her to mate with me, and she finally agreed. But Maya wanted to bond as well, and I knew that once we did, I’d not be able to let her go. So, I waited until she came back. I wanted to go see her, but that wouldn’t have been a good idea either.”
He looked away. He hadn’t wanted to take Maya’s dream from her. “The day she came home and took me as mate, was the best day of my life.”
“Why didn’t you just go to Yara with her?” Ashara asked, drawing his gaze back to her.
“I couldn’t. Besides trying to locate my lost family, we were down fighters. I had to stay and help protect dragonkind.”
“That had to have been very hard, choosing duty over what your heart wanted,” Ashara said.
“You have no idea,” he said, wondering at the look that passed through her eyes, before it quickly disappeared.
“Did you ever resent her for her choices?” Ashara asked.
“No. Never. I was proud at what she could do, how she’d give her whole heart. It had been one of the things I’d fallen in love with,” he said, a touch too vehemently.
“Wait, you bonded with her?”
Cass looked out at the setting suns. He could feel Ashara’s eyes on him, but she didn’t say anything.
Memories of his life with Maya swamped him. One in particular, which he hadn’t thought of in years, suddenly stood out. The last time he’d sat up here and watched the suns sink into oblivion, an intense sense of loneliness had entered him and hung on, sticking to every fiber of his being. He’d stayed until stars lit the night sky, waiting and hoping Maya would be able to get away from her duties and join him. She hadn’t. Then, after she’d been taken from him, he’d never ventured up here again.
“What about the family you were looking for, did you at least find them?” she asked.
“No. Well, I did find one of my brothers.” Cass remained staring at the suns, the pain fresh as he saw the lifeless eyes of his older brother.
“That’s good.” Then Ashara must have noticed the tense look on his face. “Or, maybe not? I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I wanted to go with Maya that night, but I was supposed to meet someone who had info on my brother. Then Maya was attacked, and I knew—I could feel it—and instead of meeting the contact, I headed back for Maya. But I was too late.” Cass raked a hand through his hair, unsure why he was telling Ashara all of this, but found himself still talking. “When I recovered enough to finally go meet the contact, I was too late there as well. My brother had been undercover and the Ilyium found out. They tortured him.”
“And I take it you didn’t find the rest of your family either then?” she asked.
“No, and I stopped looking.”
“I’m so sorry, Cass,” Ashara said and he could feel that she meant it.
They were silent for a long time, each lost to their own thoughts.
“His name was Haszar and he was older than me, we never really saw eye to eye. It surprised me that he’d be helping the rebels, though.”
“Life changes people,” Ashara said quietly.
“That’s for sure.”
“I should never have brought it up,” Ashara said softly and her finger grazed his arm.
The sizzle of contact drew him back into the moment. He blinked, shocked at a truth he wasn’t ready to acknowledge quite yet. One that was staring him in the face, but he couldn’t look at. “I’m fine.” I shouldn’t have come up here.
“Maybe we should go?” Ashara suggested, and the understanding in her eyes made his throat tighten up. He was about to agree, but the peace on her face as she gazed out at the setting suns, like she’d never seen anything so beautiful, stopped him.
“No, we’ll stay. We can sit over there.”
Suddenly much calmer, he led her over to where he used to sit, and they were both silent as the night turned darker.
“You keep asking me to release you. What do you mean? Release you from what?” Ashara asked, and he could feel the heat of her gaze.
Cass stared at the moons moving to take over night. Did she really not know? “Do you not feel this connection between us?”
Ashara was silent for so long, Cass thought she was going to say no. All her life she’d buried her dragon, and who knew what else. Could she really just not be as in touch with her inner self?
“I … think I do,” she finally said. “But what does it mean?”
“This connection is what held me here, when Maya died,” he said quietly.
CHAPTER 28
Wishful Thinking
* * *
Ashara blinked as horror and a deep sadness for Cass washed through her. “And you think it is me, keeping you here?” She’d always felt something, in fact, it had kept her sane during some of the harsher moments of her life, but she hadn’t realized what it was before now.
“I know it is.”
Ashara then thought about Shayaira and the stuff the other female had said. “Do you want to be released because you’ve found someone else?” She regretted the question as soon as it left her mouth.
Cass stiffened up, and his snarl gave her the answer. “Demons, no. Why … why would you ask that?”
Ashara bit her lip in regret, though the relief she felt at his answer was startling and utterly ridiculous. She really didn’t even know him, though if she were truthful with herself, she felt like she’d known him all her life. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“Why did you?”
“I don’t know. I just wondered.” She still did. Why did he want to be released so badly? Then the answer came to her and Ashara looked away. Her stomach cramped with that same old ache. That utter despair she’d lived with for so long.
Ashara looked back out across the land. What would it be like to experience the kind of love between two bonded mates. The kind of love that she heard in Cass’s words as he spoke of his mate. It was something she could barely imagine but longed for with every fiber of her being. But that was not in her future, and likely never would be. It was just wishful thinking.
Despair for what she’d never have, and could only dream of, made her wish that she could just turn herself into a million molecules and scatter on the wind. Become one with the land, sky, and all in between. Belong. It would sure beat this feeling that she’d never be wanted, loved, needed. To forever live with the loneliness, knowing it was never going to change.
CHAPTER 29
Git-lizers
* * *
Cass studied Ashara’s profile as a plethora of emotions crossed her face. Angels, she’s exquisite.
Finally, luminous blue eyes turned to him. “If what you say is true, then I’ve kept you from joining your mate.”
Pain hit Cass hard.
Tears trickled down Ashara’s cheeks as she lowered her head. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. How you must hate me.”
“No. I don’t hate you,” he said, surprised that it was the truth. For so long he had, all he’d wanted was to find the one holding him here and destroy her. But that was before he’d met Ashara.
She wiped her tears away. “How could you not? To have known the kind of love you speak about, and lost it—”
Ashara’s words made moisture fill the backs of his eyes, and he blinked.
“I’m sorry. I seem to be saying all the wrong things,” she said, wringing her hands together.
“No. You only speak the truth. I did love Maya, with my whole being,” he said.
Ashara sighed. “Well, I understand your anger—your hatred—better now, and I can’t say that I blame you. I think most would have gone insane. To have been kept from their soul mate.” She grew quiet, and he could see her thinking. Sadness filled her eyes as she shook her head. “I have no idea how this connection works—how I’m doing it, and even further, no clue how to stop … or sever it.”
“I know. We’ll figure it out.” He stood up. “We should get going.”
Ashara was silent as she rose to her feet, and he could sense her deep sadness.
“Please, I don’t want you sad. I brought you up here to enjoy the sunset.”
Ashara gave him a small smile. “And I thank you, I will always remember my first sunset.”
“You’ve never seen a sunset?” Cass asked, completely shocked.
“No. At least not that I can remember.”
“I know they have a protective dome over the bases, but you can’t see sunsets through them?”
“You can from certain spots. But as a slave, I wasn’t allowed out of my home after curfew,” she said.
Sudden rage filled Cass, making his power surge and his dragon roar in his head. Knowing his eyes would be glowing, he turned away before he scared Ashara, and fought for calm.
When he regained control, he turned back. “Was the male you were with, your children’s father, was he at least good to you?”
It was a long moment before Ashara spoke. “You know that their father was the commander, right?”
“I do.” But he didn’t say any more. He’d hated the commander, along with all the Ilyium for so long, but he prayed that maybe her life hadn’t been so horrible. It was a lot to wish for.
“Well, I know that it could have been worse, and for some breeders it was. He wasn’t nice, but he was never rough, and he let me be at the end,” she said.
“So … you’ve never known love?”
“I loved my children,” Ashara said.
“That isn’t what I mean. Have you never fallen in love with anyone?”
For a split second Ashara looked uncertain, then she shook her head. “No. And I was only ever with the commander. I was his breeder, and though he was a very cold, uncaring man, he was also possessive.”
“What was he like with his children?”
“Just as frigid.” Ashara twisted her hands together and looked uncomfortable with the questions.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and he was. To have never even known love … he couldn’t imagine how lonely that must be. Loving Maya was one thing he never regretted.
“It was fine. I didn’t know anything else,” she said.
“What did you mean when you said he ‘let you be’?” he asked with a frown.
“The commander stopped coming to me five years after I had Wren, when it became obvious I wasn’t going to be able to give him more children,” Ashara said, not looking at him.
“And Wren is twenty now?” he asked.
“He is.”
“What did you do all this time?”
“I—” Ashara paused. “I had a home. It could have been worse. But I was lucky. As the mother of the commander’s children, I was allowed certain things. But then Casin took over and not long after, I ended up at Darry Caverns.”
“That was a shitty thing for a son to do to his mother,” Cass said, heart aching of the life she’d lead.
Ashara didn’t respond, so he indicated they leave. “Come on. I know the perfect spot for you to shift into your dragon without any prying eyes.”
“Um, it isn’t too late?” she asked, with a touch of anxiety in her voice.
“No. Light or dark, it doesn’t matter, and the sooner you do this, the better,” he said, though he couldn’t help but wonder who it would be better for, her or him.
As they left the village, Ashara suddenly slowed and then stopped, glancing around nervously.
Cass also stopped, surprised. “You felt that?”
“Yes, what was it?” Ashara shivered, still searching for something, though he knew she probably had no idea of what she looked for.
“That was the first set of wards, and it’s good that you felt it. I wasn’t sure that you would.”
“It’s very strong. Is it not something that most would feel?” she asked.
“It is, but I wasn’t sure how in touch you were with your power,” he replied and led her toward the teal forest.
“I’ve always felt my power, and I’ve even let it out a little bit over the years.” She continued to search around, as if expecting monsters to jump out at her. “Are we … is it safe out here?” She wrapped her arms around herself.
“Very. We’re still within the second set of wards. But even if we weren’t, I would not let anything happen to you,” he said and almost stumbled as he realized that he really did mean it. The thought of anything happening to her made his rage surface.
“I hate feeling so scared all the time,” she admitted quietly.
“Another reason you need to bring forth your dragon,” he said. Emotions he wasn’t ready to study too closely shook him to the core, and that scared him.
“You really think that will make a difference?”
“I’d be surprised if it didn’t,” he replied, praying that it did, as he wouldn’t always be around.
